The Kardashiad, Part 18: C’mon, Sporty Guy

Rob tells Kourtney and Khloe that Lamar suggested that he should start a porn company. Rob lists off reasons why it’s a good idea. “I know so many porn stars,” he says. “I know the top porn director … I go on [bleeped name of website undoubtedly dedicated to the finest/most disgusting porn] every morning. I wake up at 6 a.m. just to [bleep].” He pretends to fellate a half-full bottle of yellow energy drink. He wakes up at 6 a.m. just to mime fellating a half-full energy-drink bottle? Weird.

We join Kim and Kris Jenner in Kris’s car, and the worst story ever told already is in progress: “I was the horniest I’ve ever been after I gave birth,” Kris is saying. Please, tell us less! They’re driving to some hair-accessories store to shop for hair accessories. Stuff that looks like you could send a PA out to Walgreens for, but I don’t know, maybe this is the place with the really good hairbrushes and I just don’t know about it because I’m not the face of an international superbrand. “It’s all about a good mirror,” Kim says, stopping to regard herself. It’s a blissful moment and it doesn’t last. Kim looks at her phone and says “Oh my God.” Like, stricken. “They’re telling me now that my house won’t be ready until February,” she tells Kris. Godzilla-rising-out-of-the-ocean music plays.

“What did you add to your house that’s going to take so much longer?” Kris asks. But let’s get real: The question is what did Kanye add. And honestly there is no answer that would surprise me. It could turn out that Kanye has commissioned a clear plastic replica of the Da Vinci staircase at the Château de la Rochefoucauld except made entirely out of reclaimed dildos and I’d believe it. Or maybe the tile for the kitchen backsplash is on back order. That seems to happen a lot.

Bruce and Brody and Brandon are driving through Malibu. They pass a sandy hillside off PCH. Brody reminds Bruce that when he and Brandon were kids, Bruce said he’d give them a hundred bucks if they could beat him up this sand hill. So they get out and try it. Brody and Brandon beat Bruce pretty handily, but they barely make it to the top themselves. We don’t see any money change hands, maybe because this show has rules about not ever depicting a causal relationship between hard work and remuneration. Bruce’s hair is looking less absurd this season. It’s like old Battlestar Galactica hair.

Kim and Kourtney drive around looking for a new gated community for Kim to move into. Kris gets on the phone with Kourtney and says, of Kim, “Why doesn’t she just move into our house?” Kim orders Kourtney to cut somebody off and honk at them. They’ve got 15 paparazzi cars tailing them. It’s interesting how much of an onscreen and/or in-story presence the paps are this season; I’ve always assumed everything that happens outside the confines of a private home on this show happens with a scrum of photographers just out of frame, but if they’re acknowledging them this much, it must mean the state of siege got really intense as little North West’s birth approached. “You should be here, Kim, behind my gates,” Kris says, like the Calabasas house is the Eyrie or something. She says it would be more practical. “Practical Pat, that’s your new name,” Kourtney says.

Bruce and Brandon play Ping-Pong at the Jenner house. Jump up off the couch in excitement and kick over a giant, conveniently placed bowl of popcorn, table-tennis-loving home viewers who watch TV in a half-lidded daze just in case there’s a Ping-Pong subplot! Interview snippet: Kim talks about how happy it makes her to see Bruce bonding with his sons. If she had to watch it happen and then blog about it every week she’d be singing a different tune.

Kim shows Kylie and Kris and Kourtney an exercise where you stick your lower jaw out like a puggle. Good for your neck muscles. Kris keeps bugging Kim to move in with her. Kim tells Kris she has issues with the monochromatic décor in the Jenner house: “I hate black and white. I can’t take a shower in a black shower.” Kris steps into her shower, which is indeed so black William Hurt could take acid and devolve in there, and asks, “What is not chic about my black shower? I feel like a ninja in this shower.” Then she does a little hi-yah. Turns out everything in Kris’s bathroom is black — everything. “The toilet paper leaves little black dots in your vadge,” Kourtney says. Kim says she’s not sure this house is the right environment to learn to raise a newborn in. Kris leaves the room and Kourtney calls her psychotic.

Kourtney’s cleaning her freezer, pulling out petrified Armenian desserts. “I’m so annoyed — I got this stroller, and I’ve been trying to put it together,” Kim says. Scott hears her and tells her not to worry, that everything gets easier after the baby’s born, and Kim actually believes him for a second. Scott offers to go over and help her. Kourtney says this is weird, since Scott won’t lift a finger around their place. “Look at our kids,” Scott says in response. “How beautiful they are, because of this spermicide that I injected into your vagina.” Pretty sure that’s not how that works.

So the upshot of the whole Ping-Pong thing from earlier is that Bruce has convinced Brandon to enter a Ping-Pong tournament with him to see who’s the better Ping-Pong player. Now Bruce is practicing in the garage. He needs somebody to return his serves, and when Kendall and her friend won’t do it, Bruce pulls the family housekeeper, a middle-aged lady named Cruz, away from her duties, and in what may be a first for this show, one member of the probably-not-small army of domestic helpers who keep the Kardashian house running is thereby given a name and a face. So that’s pretty cool, although Cruz turns out to be terrible at Ping-Pong.

Scott goes over to Kim’s place to help her put the crib together. She’s in Spanx. Scott’s weirded out, although it’s that classic Scott Disick I’m-weirded-out act that indicates he’s actually kind of into it. It’s really sad that I know what that looks like. “Relax,” Kim says. “They’re like bike shorts. They’re like nude-color bike shorts.” Scott says she shouldn’t have her “volumptuous” body all on display like that. Scott says something about Kim’s boobs. Kim gets up and puts on sweat pants. Scott helps Kim put together a stroller and Kim talks about how she’s holding off on buying certain things. Kim says, “I need to see what skin tone my child is before I …”

“Your kid’s gonna be black,” Scott says.

Brandon gets Ping-Pong lessons from a friend of his mom’s, Soo Yeon Lee, a professional table tennis player who holds a number of impressive-sounding Ping-Pong titles and once played herself on Entourage. Bruce drops by unannounced and almost catches them training together but Brandon escorts her out a side door while Leah runs interference. Soo Yeon is also a brand ambassador for SPiN, Susan Sarandon’s chain of upscale ping-pongeries, so maybe this whole subplot is a product placement. Bill it to Ho-Ho.

Kim and Scott go to dinner. Kim tells Scott that Kanye’s never even held a baby before. This is going to be great. Kim says she wants to take a baby CPR class before the baby comes and Scott calls Kourtney to get the number for the CPR instructor who taught them. Kourtney gets pissed off that he’s having dinner with Kim and hasn’t bothered to call home and tell her. She pretends her phone is dropping his call.

And yet off Scott goes with Kim — and without telling Kourtney — to a place called Fun CPR Training, whose mandatory-GTs policy Scott puts to the test right away:

INSTRUCTOR: Let’s say you come into a room and there’s just somebody lying there and you have no idea what’s going on. What do you think we should do?

SCOTT: Have sex with her!

Kim laughs. Everybody laughs. Dear anyone who finds themselves alone in a room with Kim Kardashian and/or Scott Disick and in need of CPR: You’re going to die. Kim is asked what it means when someone is breathing and answers, “They’re alive,” confidently.

Bruce buys “the most expensive, nicest ball machine I’ve ever seen in my life” so he can train to beat Brandon. Scott gets home and strolls into the kitchen. Kourtney asks him where he was, Scott tells her about the CPR class, and Kourtney ice-grills him. She’s not just mad about him not telling her; she’s annoyed about Scott being there for Kim in ways he never was for her. Cue inconvenient montage of pregnant Kourtney going to answer the doorbell while Scott lazes on the couch, pregnant Kourtney building a crib with no help from Scott — basically everything but Scott playing Angry Birds in the delivery room as Kourtney’s crowning.

Kanye’s in Paris recording his album, so Kim takes Kris with her to look at a place she’s thinking about renting until her place is ready. It’s a five-bedroom, three-guest-house mansion in Westlake Village. Kim likes the “Hermes orange” sitting room, but Kris says the place is too big, and notes that when she lived in the neighborhood years ago, nobody came to see her. She’s transparently undermining so that Kim will move in with her, although honestly Kim seems to be doing a pretty good job of making the house-picking process seem impossible on her own — we get a quick montage here of her driving around rejecting various houses for eww-what’s-up-with-that-driveway reasons.

Then in a phone conversation after the commercial break, Kim bemoans her inability to decide on a house and Kris says “Well, you know that old saying — never make an important decision when you’re pregnant,” and somehow this convinces Kim to move in with her even though nobody actually says that.

Back in the ’70s, Neil Young owned a piece of a Malibu bar called the Crazy Horse Saloon. Now it’s the Malibu Inn and they’re having a Ping-Pong tournament there. Once you’re gone you can’t come back. Bruce rolls up in his ’76 Olympics warm-up jacket and says “This room has the smell of competition and beer. It’s gonna be a good night.” Brandon is warming up with Soo Yeon on the other side of the table and Leah accidentally-because-the-plot-demands-it lets slip that Soo Yeon is Brandon’s coach. Bruce can’t believe it. But there’s no time to reel; this Ping-Pong tournament isn’t going to play itself.

Bruce squares off against a guy who looks like Matthew McConaughey’s loser brother. FauxConaughey has a real aggro presence at the table, hopping up and down and yelling things like “C’mon, sporty guy!” and playing little fuckyouitive air-guitar solos on his paddle. Bruce loses the game point to this knucklehead; Brandon makes it a little further but ends up losing to a hulking Asian dude and coming in second. “I did it, Dad,” he tells the camera. “I got you. That’s me up there [on the winners' podium, which is also the DJ booth] and not you.” He and the Asian dude both get trucker hats.

The next day Bruce comes over to Kim’s place and helps her move a bunch of baby crap out of her house and into the car so he can drive it to the Jenner house. He’s got a little Band-Aid on his nose. All of a sudden this show is Chinatown, I guess. At the Jenner house everyone chips in to help set up the baby’s room, including Scott. Kourtney walks in and sees him popping stroller wheels expertly into place and says “I love how you literally don’t do any of this at our house,” except she says it in a way that makes it clear that she doesn’t actually love it that much! Sick burn. Kris says “Kourtney, don’t be so jelly.” Kris has a glass of white wine in her hand.

Kourtney picks a fight with Kris about whether Kim needs to have three baby towels on hand or only two, which turns into a fight about whether Kris knows anything about being a mother. “I had six kids!” Kris says. “You had a hundred nannies!” Kourtney shoots back. Kris says no, it was just the one nurse — but look, what this is actually about is so obvious that even Kris can articulate it. “You know what’s going on there,” Kris says, after Kourtney storms off. “She’s been the center of attention since the day Mason was born.” Kris is the most perceptive person in this episode. I don’t know how to feel about this, so here is a link to the “picture of an asshole” drawing from Kurt Vonnegut’s Breakfast of Champions.

Eventually she and Scott talk it out, back home on the terrace of their house, in front of a view that looks like it would inspire anyone to be less of a rotten self-centered jerk. The neighbors’ houses in the middle distance have been blurred out, presumably for homeowner-privacy reasons. As always with Serious Talks that begin in the last segment of the show (after the Ryan Seacrest Productions vanity card), their conflict is the proverbial jar whose lid has been loosened: It resolves itself neatly the second Scott says one nice thing to Kourtney, and Kourtney ends up feeling guilty for overreacting.

And then there’s Kim on the bed at the Jenner house, texting, with Kris bringing her water and massaging her sausage pregnant-lady toes and presumably ready to meet even the most unreasonable of croissant-delivery requests were it to come to that. Kim seems pretty surprised and maybe a little touched by how maternal her mom is being. Kim says, “Thank you for being so fab.”

Next week: Rob doesn’t sing Wesley Willis’s “I’m Sorry I Got Fat” but from the looks of things he might as well have; even in Greece everybody finds something to fight about.

Filed Under: Kanye West, Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Kim Kardashian, Kris Jenner, The Kardashiad

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Alex Pappademas is a staff writer for Grantland.

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