The Kardashiad, Part 11: Tinted Moisturizer Is Amazing

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Jake meets Kim to show her the pictures he took while tailing Scott in Atlanta. First, though, she makes him get in her car and drive to some presumably less-conspicuous location, like their transaction is going to involve space plans on microfilm. Even Jake, the professional private investigator, seems to think this level of subterfuge is a bit much. The envelope with the pictures in it is a regular tan mailing envelope that says SPECIAL INVESTIGATION FILE on the front. Is there a private-detective office-supply catalogue I can order stuff like this from? I have a lot of questions for Jake.

Kim seems nervous to finally see the pictures, like it’s only just occurred to her that the SPECIAL INVESTIGATION FILE could contain some un-unseeable imagery. “Are they bad?” she asks Jake.

“They’re subjective,” Jake says.

We never get to see what’s happening in the pictures, but Kim looks at them and says, “Oh my god.”

“He was really drunk,” Jake says. “He was pretty wasted.” Dude, which is it? Because those are two different things.

Kim tells the talking-head camera that in the photos, Scott is “in a nightclub and he’s drinking,” and that if she were Kourtney she wouldn’t be happy about it. Objection, your honor — speculation! Also, that tells us nothing about what’s happening in the pictures, because Kourtney is never happy about anything. Seriously, though, how bad could pictures of somebody drinking actually be? Is he drinking human blood from the hollowed-out skull of one of the cuter endangered animals?

Jake says there’s “a few things” he’d like to follow up on, and he tries to make it sound ominous, but to me it sounds like maybe Jake did not exactly catch his limit on this fishing expedition. Kim says she’d like “more information.” And yet she still marches purposefully up the stairs of the Kardansion after the first commercial break, holding the SPECIAL INVESTIGATION FILE like it’s a very important prop for her role as an Office Person Who Knows All The Office Words in Tyler Perry’s Bad People Get AIDS. You can tell the movie in Kim’s head is different from what ends up happening, though, because what ends up happening is Kim’s barely through the baby gate when Kourtney appears and says, “How dare you get involved in my family?”

Khloe’s in the shot, too; she starts to say something and gets out maybe a syllable before Kourtney’s like, “Why are you even standing here?” to her, which is actually kind of the best thing Kourtney’s done this entire season. Turns out Kourtney saw Kim and Jake in the car together and badgered Khloe into telling all. She orders Kim to leave the house; when Kim hesitates, Kourtney grabs a bunch of Kim’s clothes and throws them off the roof into the driveway. Kim says “Oh my god, that’s couture,” which is also a little funny, if a little on-the-nose and Sex and the City–ish. I’m really running through my weekly guilty-giggle allotment fast this week.

Talking-head talk: “I didn’t want Kourtney to find out, y’know, like this,” Kim says, as if the problem here is the way Kourtney found out and not, y’know, the entire private-detective situation existing in the first place. Khloe points out that nothing’s come to light so far that counts as “really, like, hard-core evidence that Scott’s shady,” and then Kim takes her bag and goes to stay with Jonathan.

The next morning in the breakfast nook, the most important meal of the day is tension. Kourtney accuses Khloe of being in on Private Eye–gate and Khloe denies it; Scott walks in and asks what they’re arguing about and Kourtney breaks it down. Scott’s shock and surprise (“Kim hacked into my phone records?”) feels a little canned, and a lot of the editing in this sequence is choppier than usual, like this is at least the second time they’ve had this conversation and they’re trying to put together a believable scene from a couple of different takes, although when he walks out and mutters, “I’m just sick of your family doing things like this to me on a day-to-day basis,” it seems pretty real. How could he not be?

But, look, we all know what really matters here, namely where for the love of Christ the new Dash store will be located. Kourtney’s talking about making this decision — a decision that, based on what we’ve seen on this show, appears to have been the only work-related thing Kim and Kourtney have had on their to-do list for the entire time they’ve been in Miami, and we’re told later by the way that they’ve been in Miami for three months — without consulting her sisters, because she just wants to get it resolved and get back to Los Angeles. I don’t know — I’m a little worried that she’s rushing things.

Scott’s been out clearing his head. When he gets back, he says to Kourtney, “I’m sure Kim knows where I was for the last three hours.”

A seed’s been planted. Kourtney’s already predisposed to distrust Scott, and now she’s clearly not loving his reaction to finding out he was surveilled. There’s a pretty awkward conversation (Kourtney conducts her end of it entirely in side-eye) about which parts of Scott’s private life he wouldn’t want someone looking into, and he says all of it, which is not the right answer. “Who knows what you’re up to?” she says.

The next day, Kourtney and Roya are in the car, driving and talking about how much the rent on the new Dash is going to be. They’re eating something. “This whole cube is like 130 calories,” Kourtney says to Roya. It’s hard to see what it is — cheese? Tofu? Moist papier-mâché? Kourtney says again that she’s going to pull the trigger on this Dash thing without asking her sisters. You can tell Roya doesn’t think this is a great idea, but Roya holds her tongue. That’s probably Roya’s job description, in a way.

Kim drives over to the house to pick up her laptop. She makes Khloe walk outside with it so she doesn’t have to run into Kourtney. Khloe admonishes her, “What you do in the dark will come to light. It’s not our business,” and then tells her that Kourtney and Scott are now united on “Team We Hate Kim & Khloe.” Kim goes home to Jonathan’s and ends up in bed with a case of stomach cramps that isn’t in any way the [Movie Cough] foreshadowing of anything. Chekhovian cramps.

So this new Dash store turns out to be one block away from the old Dash store. Seriously. I’m sure the move is going to be transformative, but seriously, after the quest we’ve been on, it turns out the best place to put the new Dash was 90 seconds away from the old Dash? I kinda want to throttle almost everyone involved in this decision more than I did five minutes ago. “This is the best block,” Kourtney tells her decorator. It’s supposed to just be her and Khloe there checking out the new space but somehow Kim’s found out, and moments later here she comes through the door like it’s an airlock, fixing her hair, a scrum of paparazzi closing ranks behind her as the door shuts. “Let’s keep it professional,” she says to Kourtney, in subtitles, which means she said it quietly, which is indeed professional; Kourtney snaps, “How did you even know to be here?”

Khloe tries to force the rapprochement by literally physically shoving Kourtney closer to Kim, which doesn’t work. I guess at this point it quickly becomes clear that nothing in any way professional is going to take place here today, because before long the Kardashians are in what looks like a fitting-room foyer, having it out. “I just don’t want to argue about it,” Kim says, which is, like, an A-plus apology that, go figure, Kourtney doesn’t accept, even when Kim garnishes it with a high-pitched “Pleeeeeease?” Commercial break. The Rock standing by a pool with Mark Wahlberg, introducing the Pain & Gain trailer by saying, “Wanna see us take Miami our way?” I would just like to see somebody, anybody, actually “take Miami” in some way before this show is over. I would like some tangible proof that this show was not shot on a soundstage in Glendale.

Kourtney walks into the bathroom while Scott’s doing some grooming-routine stuff. There’s something guilty about his demeanor as Kourtney helps him tweeze his unibrow and he helps her apply the fuchsia-est fuchsia lipstick I’ve ever seen; later, in the car, she tells Khloe that when she walked in, “I could see him messing around with my makeup situation.” She tells Khloe that every single guy she’s dated, by the way, has worn makeup. Then there’s a whole sequence where Kourtney decides she’s going to put on a white shirt and get Scott to motorboat her so that some of his makeup will come off on her, and this happens, maybe because otherwise this would have been an entire episode without a scene involving a character hatching some stupid plan and putting it into action while tiptoe-y “sneaking music” plays. Scott eventually cops to wearing tinted moisturizer, which Kourtney tells him is an amazing product that he shouldn’t be ashamed of using.

Onscreen title card: THREE DAYS LATER. Slow zoom in on the Kardansion at night, sound of a cell phone buzzing. Kourtney picks up; Kim says “I know you’re mad at me,” then asks her to come to Jonathan’s and pick her up. She has a medical emergency and she can’t drive. When she gets in the car with Kourtney she’s in a black hoodie, no visible makeup. She looks like a human being. She says she has to tell Kourtney something.

“I don’t want to tell Khloe,” she says, “but you’re gonna die. I’m pregnant.”

Of course we’ve all known this since before this season even started; one of the weird quirks of Kardashian Time is that every season builds to some event that feels, for us, like the distant past. And yet the grammar of reality TV requires the show to treat these things like they’re surprising, on the off chance that somebody is getting their Kardashians news here and here alone. Everything is prequel and therefore everything is anticlimax. We see nothing of consequence that we have not already read about, we learn nothing we did not already know. This is the paragraph where we wrap things up, but I’m putting it here, the way this show always puts the Bunim/Murray and Ryan Seacrest Productions bumpers after the last commercial break.

Kim spends six hours at the hospital, an experience we see not even one second of, which either means the hospital wouldn’t let them film or Kim decided not to share her raw, un-made-up humanity as an expectant mother experiencing sudden cramping with everyone in the world who gets E!. Either way, the tests come back normal — she had a cyst in her ovary, it burst, in the morning she’s in the Kardansion eating cereal.

She and Kourtney need to have a private conversation so Kourtney pulls Kim into what appears to be an entire walk-in closet full of children’s clothing — baller! — and they talk about how excited Kim and Kanye are (“We’re just, like, oh my god, is this happening?”) and then say patronizing things about Khloe and how they “don’t know how she’s going to react,” given Khloe’s long and so-far-fruitless struggle to conceive.

“What if she just, like, starts crying?” Kim says.

“This could, like, send her over the edge,” Kourtney agrees, not at all overdramatically.

Suddenly they’re packing up the house — or, y’know, giving people instructions regarding how to pack up the house — to fly back to Los Angeles and I’m like Oh my god, is this happening? Kim wraps Mason in green bubble-wrap and pretends she’s going to ship him back to Los Angeles, and then Mason runs away, stomping bubble-wrap bubbles. Finally Kourtney makes Kim go tell Khloe the news. Her reaction is kind of muted; she doesn’t seem sad, but she’s not shrieking with excitement, either. Maybe she already knew and they re-shot this scene; maybe she already knew and she’s mad at Kim for not telling her sooner. “A baby is, like, perfect for Kim right now, especially with, like, everything she’s gone through,” Khloe says, and I rack my brain for a minute to think of something Kim’s “gone through” before deciding that Khloe’s being at least a tiny bit sarcastic here, as is her right, especially with everything she’s actually for real gone through.

So this episode ends up being about Kim using her pregnancy news to force people to stop hating her for having done awful things to them. Scott’s overjoyed: “We’re finally, like, hip-hop royalty forever.” And then everyone flies back to L.A., except Kim, who goes to New York to see Kanye. There is a shot of the Fort Lauderdale airport. Scott says the inside of the airport smells like Cinnabon.

Filed Under: Kim Kardashian, Kourtney and Kim Take Miami, Kourtney Kardashian

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Alex Pappademas is a staff writer for Grantland.

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