The Inevitable Union of John Mayer and Katy Perry … And Other Horror Stories From This Week’s Tabloids


Us Weekly

John Mayer & Katy Perry: At a party in the Hollywood Hills a “bikini-clad Katy Perry” chilled out, “grabbed a beer and clung tightly to John Mayer in the swimming pool. They hugged each other and splashed around. They were all over each other, making out! Neither of them is exactly shy.” The pair are not only hooking up, they are “officially dating,” hence the lack of trying to hide it, or maybe they just realized they wouldn’t be able to avoid being outed by paparazzi right quick. Whatever. Katy girl, get your roots-rock divorce rebound hump on. Just do us a big favor and tell John Mayer to stop wearing that Rolling Thunder Revue hat everywhere. We get the whole hipster Americana thing already. While Mayer has a reputation as a manipulatively romantic womanizer incapable of keeping his mouth shut or his pants on, the 34-year-old guitarist claims he has changed his evil ways and is ready to grow up. He recently told Rolling Stone, “I haven’t had a girlfriend in a long time. Now I feel like I’m extremely open to love.” I’m sure Taylor Swift is thrilled to hear that.

Katy and John have been spotted out every night around Los Angeles, sharing pizzas and generally acting like a couple. Katy “doesn’t want to get her heart broken again, but she feels a real connection and wants to see where things go.” Katy probably also thinks she might succeed where Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Aniston, and Jennifer Love-Hewitt have failed. Could the mutual conquest have turned into something much deeper? Perry and Mayer share a passion for ’80s pop culture artifacts like Knight Rider (really?) and nasty sex in crazy places. “They are both into that stuff big-time!” As previously mentioned, John is also into tig ol’ bitties, big-time. “He loves curvy girls.” And Katy likes charming dirtbags she wants to believe might have secret hearts of gold. Their meetings take place at “secret date spots — little dives in the Valley where they won’t be seen.” Can’t you just see them driving down Ventura Boulevard listening to Tom Petty songs and fooling around on dark Mulholland vistas? Or is that just the fan-fiction novel I’m writing in my head (Perry Shades of May). Russell Brand “is annoyed” but will crane pose it out. You know all cynicism and disgusting Playboy interviews aside, I kinda think these two crazy kids might make it. At least until the end of the summer, maybe even past next spring. They’re like Sandy and Danny in Grease. And if not, imagine the breakup songs.

Jennifer Aniston & Angelina Jolie: Aniston wants to stage a photo op with Jolie to make fun of the idea that they hate each other. Jen is “dying to spoof her seven-year rivalry with Angelina Jolie” and prove that she’s over it. Holy god, it’s been seven years? I’ve wasted my life.

Natalie Portman & Benjamin Millepied: Portman married her ballet dancer beau in a traditional ceremony at Big Sur, “on a cliff under a chuppah of twigs.” The menu was vegan and instead of cake they served macarons. “She couldn’t stop smiling.”

Gabby Douglas: “My favorite meal is matzo ball soup.” Maybe Natalie Portman has a good vegan recipe.

Jessica Biel: “You sort of have an unrealistic idea of your abilities.” Is that why you’re marrying Justin Timberlake? BURN. Just kidding! Call me, Jessica — I’m throwing you a bachelorette party.

Miranda Lambert Stalks Her Husband Blake Shelton’s Twitter: “I unfollow Blake when he’s too much. But I always monitor hot girls he follows.” YIKES.

Catherine Bell: Daughter “Gemma and I used to have a joke where I’d say ‘I’m gonna beat you!’ One day at a store, in front of everyone, she yelled, ‘Don’t beat me, Mommy! Don’t beat me!’” YIKES AGAIN.

Olivia Munn: “People tell me, ‘Your work won’t keep you warm at night.’ But it does pay for my heat, so it technically does.” I love you, Olivia Munn. I’m a Munnhead. Seriously though, Olivia Munn is the best thing on The Newsroom and was great in Magic Mike. How do you like them shrimps, Rat?

Misc/Etc: “I was sewn into it” “So high school!” “Will’s wife would rather stay home” “Italian for wolf” “They love being engaged” “Bling-a-ding-ding!” “purple leopard rhinestone” “bigger is better!” “he had a really long beard and this Rasta hat” “Dotty hottie!” “hooker role” “She’s in love. They’re totally together!” “Teri Hatcher donned a dirndl” “armed and adorable!” “primed a plastic pump” “Coco prowled the shores of Asbury Park” “Robert Downey Jr. drifted like an otter” “Kris Jenner mounted an inflatable penguin” “get everything done so they can get married and have babies” “Jonah Hill sweating” “We’ve just been chillin’ in pajamas all day” “He’s very hot on her” “angry young woman” “I’ve mastered getting other people to do things for me!” “What recession? The culture of excess is alive.” “They were born wired” “Who’s psyched to see an old couple discuss why they stopped having sex?”

Star

Jennifer Aniston & Justin Theroux Over? The couple’s recent much-photographed trip to Paris was “in fact, a last-ditch attempt to salvage their flagging relationship. On their vacation, Jen expected an elaborate proposal with a big diamond ring, but Justin didn’t deliver. Her heart sank after that trip. It was a huge letdown. So, after nearly two years together, Jen finally gave up on Justin.” They broke up in late July. At a dinner in Santa Monica with friends just before Aniston left to film We’re the Millers in North Carolina, “someone started ribbing Justin about proposing to Jen. They put him on the spot and said ‘Come on, Justin, when are you going to put a ring on it?’ Justin just shuffled around in his seat and said ‘Can we change the subject please?’ It was obvious he wasn’t comfortable. Jen nearly broke down in tears. She managed to hold it together until they left, but she started crying the minute they left the restaurant.”

She confronted him at home. “Jen said ‘I need a commitment and I need it now.’ But Justin sort of shrugged his shoulders and didn’t say anything.” Ugh. Aniston had been suspicious of Theroux’s close relationship with his ex-girlfriend, stylist Heidi Bivens. “Heidi and Justin have been talking for months and Jennifer had no idea. Justin and Heidi had a real heart-to-heart recently and he told her he thinks Jen is too focused on her career. He is ready to start a family and he wants a wife who will be home with the kids. He knows he will never get that with Jen.” Jen worries he was planning to get back together with Bivens all along. “Now, looking back, Jen never fully trusted Justin.” Her friends are rolling their eyes in advance at having to comfort Jen yet again. “Since Brad, it’s been one heartbreak after another.” I’m sure she’ll be thrilled to hear about John Mayer and Katy Perry. “To give her closure, Jen even had someone following Justin in New York while she was away. Her suspicions were confirmed because he got together with Heidi within days of Jen leaving. It seems like Justin couldn’t wait to be rid of Jen so he could cut loose.” He was seen at ABC Kitchen in late July with Jake Gyllenhaal and two blondes. “It looked like they were on a double date. Justin was touching one of the blonde’s hands. I didn’t recognize her but she was very pretty.” Jen has “mixed feelings” about the split and is “kicking herself that she gave almost two valuable years of her life to him.” But she is “staying upbeat,” telling friends “I can still be a mom without him.” This all seems pretty sad if true. Well, at least we got Wanderlust out of it.

J.Lo & Casper Smart: “We said it would be a tough spin, yet spin they have. Since Star published photos of Jennifer Lopez’s boyfriend, Casper Smart, walking through the entrance to a gay peepshow and cruising spot in Manhattan, the couple have been in full damage-control mode. In addition to denying that Casper visited the establishment, they’ve threatened to sue unless Star runs a retraction, right here, in this issue. Star stands by its story.” Gossip reporting lately is like All The President’s Men. Suck on that hot tip, Aaron Sorkin! The couple “are claiming that Casper was getting a haircut next door and had entered the peepshow to use the ATM at the adult toy store next door. Those stories, which seem to have been driven by a barbershop seeking free publicity, are not true.” The witness from Star says “I followed Casper from his hotel to the peepshow and back. He didn’t go into any other nearby buildings. He was inside the peepshow door for 10 minutes.” The eyewitness also “never saw him use the ATM, which he passed right by as he entered the peepshow.” Since the story came out, Lopez “is reevaluating her relationship. She is crushed because she’s in love with him and knows she should just end it.” She hired him to choreograph her tour, which makes a clean break more difficult. She is also just embarrassed that she fell for yet another slimeball. Can she date Jen Aniston? Imagine their combined net worth!

Khloe Kardashian: “One look at Khloe Kardashian on Aug. 1 in Beverly Hills and we can’t help but wonder if she just enjoyed a big lunch or if she and hubby Lamar Odom are finally expecting a baby.” Damn it, Star.

Lindsay Lohan Banned From Cabo: “She has her heart set on chilling on the beach in sunny Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. But there is un problema: She can’t find a good hotel that is willing to take her in! Linsday has been permanently banned from the two best hotels in Cabo — the Palmilla and the Montage Los Cabos. They’ve had enough of her late-night partying and drunken antics. The guests complain about her, and they think she’s bad for business. Her team is now trying to convince her a private rental house is the way to go. They said it’s what all the big stars are doing.” How has Lindsay Lohan possibly not been banned from the Chateau Marmont? Can you get banned from the Chateau Marmont? Or is that part of how so many guests end up checking out permanently?

Kim Kardashian’s Sex Tape Was Sold By Her Mom: AHHH GROSS. “Kris, 56, was the driving force behind the February 2007 public release of her own daughter Kim’s sex video, filmed three years earlier.” GROSS GROSS GROSS. “Kris was totally involved in arranging the sale of Kim’s tape. The video already existed, and Kris was there every step of the way as a middleman was brought in to market it to an adult entertainment company.” A source says “I saw Kris Jenner’s name on the contract” with Vivid. Oedipus Kardashian. Kris Jenner has no shame. She had all her shame vacuumed out and injected back into her ass.

Zac Efron: “Hard-partying Zac Efron figured out a great way to avoid an intervention planned by his management team: fire them all! Zac was showing up for meetings stinking of beer and cigarettes, and his team got so worried that they were going to intervene. But Zac found out about it and got rid of them first. Apparently Zac, 24, doesn’t care about being the squeaky-clean Disney kid anymore. He’s not worried about his image, and he’s having fun. As far as he’s concerned, everything is more than OK.” Who would win in a fight, Zac Efron or Justin Bieber?

Misc/Etc: “A confirmed womanizer” “recently went full-on zebra” “friends in haute places” “smooch a new pair of wrinkly lips” “Pasta or Pregnant?” “always a bridesmaid!” “struck a sprawling pose” “Channing Tatum (sadly) kept his clothes on” “fluffy new companions” “built her fame on showing skin” “partners in business and life” “more sour than sassy” “She plays a sweetheart, but she’s a bitch” “He worries he gets overlooked for parts because of his pretty face and buff body” “They have a very sexual relationship!” “another conquest on his list” “She thinks no one would care if she died.” “block with your booty” “straight-up swaggy!” “shredded some toasty Hawaiian waves” “trained hard at sexy boat drinking” “sighed a nearby walrus” “a little bit scared of the wacky 45 year old actress” “racist slurs and hateful rage” “on your mark, get drunk, fall!” “I was sleeping with the writer, director, and star!”

InTouch

Rosario Dawson & Danny Boyle: New most random couple ever. “Rosario led her new beau — 22 years her senior — on a romantic stroll along the sunny Brighton seafront on the south coast of England, where the couple were spotted enjoying a romantic kiss.” So much interest lately in the relationships between older male directors and younger female actresses.

Bradley Cooper: “The sexy actor worked up a sweat at the gym, so he can maintain his physique while performing in The Elephant Man.”

Kim Wants Kanye’s Baby: “She’s already gone off birth control. Kim is ready to have babies and talks about it all the time. She’s been on the pill for around 15 years. It’s doubtful they will get married, but they are actively trying to have a baby.” Great idea jeans.

A Letter Amy Winehouse Wrote at Age 12: “I would say my school life and school reports are filled with ‘could do better’ and ‘doesn’t work up to her potential.’ That is because my present school is a horrible place to go to every day. But I guess all schools are.” Right you were, young Amy Winehouse.

Matt Lauer Hates Ryan Seacrest: “Matt sees Ryan as a threat. Ryan is younger and hipper and an international star, while no one knows who Matt is overseas. Matt is frustrated. He’s an old-school news guy. He thinks Ryan is silly and pop culture.” Matt Lauer is Will McAvoy. Team Ann Curry TBH.

Sad Kelly Ripa Story: About how she gets Botox injections whenever her kids start complaining that she looks “mad,” because that means her frown lines are coming back. The world is the movie Brazil.

Teresa & Joe Giudice: In an upcoming episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Teresa Giudice’s husband “disrespects and demeans Teresa in the foulest of ways during a mystery call.” At a surprise party for Caroline Manzo, “Joe excuses himself from the table, claiming he had to leave to call ‘work.’ When he spots Teresa approaching, Joe says in a low voice ‘Here comes my bitch wife. She’s such a c—.’” When confronted, he claims he was talking to “a worker who didn’t speak much English.” While Joe has been accused of cheating before, “Teresa is famously in denial. Friends believe only catching Joe in the act of infidelity would make her leave him. She knows that she has said she’d leave him for cheating, but she doesn’t want to do that. She doesn’t want to be divorced.” Uh, this seems worse?

Misc/Etc: “Too bohemian” “too much can have an aging effect” “I wore Mrs. Roper’s muumuu” “Pigtails at 50!” “They have their own sausage maker!” “gets her bubbles on” “Her taste in men is awful” “She never admits she’s wrong or that she’s embarrassed” “sweated away her stress with a spin class” “like everything he does, it’s extreme” “regal presence and prim yet flamboyant fashion sense” “give the face a more youthful contour” “I love drama” “a piece of his sex-crazed mind” “when all else fails I get Botox injected right here, right into my forehead, as much as possible!”

OK!

Robert Pattinson & Rupert Sanders: “Rob wants to look Rupert in the eye and say ‘You ruined my life.’ He has all these speeches prepared in his head about how Rupert’s not a real man, and what kind of person not only cheats on their own wife but tries to steal another guy’s girl? And is he so desperate for female attention that he had to use his power as a director to seduce someone almost half his age?” I guess Rupert Sanders is just that kind of guy. Kristin Stewart “dreads the prospect of Rob and Rupert meeting. She is terrified about what Rupert might say. She knows that if Rob hears any details of the affair, he’ll never be able to forgive her — and she’s desperately trying to remember all the things she said to Rupert about her relationship with Rob. She’s scared that Rupert will try to appeal to Rob on a man-to-man level and paint her as the bad girl.”

And despite her bad-girl image, Stewart was just striking a faux-jaded pose. “She has not stopped crying since this happened. She can’t eat, she can’t sleep, she’s been chain-smoking and even starting off her day with a glass of merlot, and then going back to bed at noon. She has this tough, hard shell, but Rob was her world; he was her everything. That’s why on the surface it might seem so strange that she cheated. But even though she was head over heels in love with Rob, Kristen always felt so threatened and insecure in their relationship. She was constantly bombarded with rumors about him with other girls. Part of her wanted Rob to feel some jealousy too. She and Rupert got very close — he kept telling her how spellbinding she is and what an amazing actress — it got to her.” Also imagine going from a normal existence to being followed all the time and having your life secretly recorded. Imagine message boards about your love life. It would be like a Philip K. Dick story. Something had to give.

Kate Beckinsale: “My daughter said ‘I’d really love it if you never said the word ‘vagina’ in an interview again.’ Whoops.”

Blake Shelton: “When I have a bad hair day I get embarrassed. And when I get embarrassed I drink.” And shortly after that is when your wife unfollows you on Twitter for a little while.

Tom Cruise Spoiling Suri in Florida: Tom took Suri on a weeklong trip to Disney World and bought her a Little Mermaid costume, among many other things. A therapist cautions, “There’s a possibility of raising an entitled and materialistic child who is very disconnected from the world, who often gets into trouble later because she doesn’t have the coping skills for pain, frustrations, and disappointment.” Good thing Scientologists don’t believe in therapy!

Misc/Etc: “He is a master sweet talker” “She gets giddy whenever John texts or calls” “They’ll have a glass of wine and they’ll make all kinds of music together in every sense of the word” “hey be my gf?” “dangled perilously over a mechanical crocodile’s jaw” “if you worked that hard for that body, you can do whatever you want with it!” “We were greeted by a tiny band of children, singing and playing drums” “whispered and rubbed each other’s thighs” “she doesn’t plan on posing in her bikini drinking pina coladas the whole trip” “a New York City suite literally filled with stuffed animals for her to play with” “She’s flawless with perfect skin” “these Southern icons are seventh cousins” “It was the friend that never left” “your mat better be phat!”

Filed Under: Amy Winehouse, Angelina Jolie, Bradley Cooper, Casper Smart, Danny Boyle, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Lopez, John Mayer, Justin theroux, Kanye West, Kate Beckinsale, Katy Perry, Khloe Kardashian, Kim Kardashian, Lindsay Lohan, Molly's Magazines, Robert Pattinson, Russell Brand, Ryan Seacrest, Tabloids, Us Weekly, Zac Efron

Photo on 2014-01-10 at 12.58 #3

Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

Archive @ mollylambert