The Brand/Perry “Sexual Pyrotechnics”… and Other Horror Stories from This Week’s Tabloids

“MARRIED TO A CRAZY MAN” The Saga Of Russell Brand And Katy Perry: “Katy Perry awoke alone in her Kauai, Hawaii, rental home December 30, ready to organize a party for New Year’s Eve.” A trial separation exploded in flames when Perry realized “her husband of 14 months had reneged on the deal, blindsiding her by filing for divorce.” Katy “struggled to make sense of it all” while in the U.K. Brand “even released a statement to the press.” This all compounded Katy’s “private hell” wherein she had been “trying to salvage a doomed union.” Brand’s friends say he “has an insatiable desire for pushing limits.” But “he soon learned that, for all her whipped cream-shooting bras and double entendres” Katy is actually “a good Christian girl” and “Russell didn’t like the real Katy the more he got to know her.” Now Perry, who really thought “marriage is forever” is devastated, since she “feels she failed.” Katy initially “used her ‘wild child’ persona to keep him sexually infatuated” but just “a year in” and “Brand was already bored.” At the start of their courtship “Katy was kinky” and Brand “was very attracted to her. When things got bad, if they had a roll in the hay, they were always better after.” But all that kinky sex was “never enough” and “Russell doesn’t like being alone.” Katy’s career interfered. Brand “always needs someone there, and that’s not Katy — she’s busier than he is.” Without constant female companionship to keep him in line, “Russell goes to a dark place.” This dark place is on the internet, where Brand “really gets off on one particular porno with a guy in a wheelchair. He’s attracted to things he can’t imagine happening to him.” For the couple, “all their sexual pyrotechnics couldn’t mask a larger problem”: Russell’s sober lifestyle opposed Katy’s party girl antics. But was the real problem the imbalance of fame and Brand’s resentment of his wife being a bigger star? “She had so much going on this year, and there were so many times when he wasn’t there.” Perhaps it’s because “being called ‘Katy Perry’s husband’ bothers him.” After Katy’s SNL hosting gig (which he skipped) “he told her that she wasn’t that funny. That really hurt.” Now Brand will “no longer have to pretend to be her biggest fan.” He is already “ringless” and “on the prowl” in the UK while Katy “continues to nurse her broken heart.” Who gets custody of the cats???

Mark Wahlberg and The Ravages Of Time: “So I got this call from Paramount [with a story about] an old guy and a young guy. I’m like ‘Cool, let’s get Jack [Nicholson]. Let’s get Robert De Niro.’ And they go, ‘What about Garrett Hedlund?’ I’m like, ‘For what?’ They’re like ‘For the young guy.’”

J. Lo’s Man: Dirty Dancing For Ca$h: “He was dressed like all the other male go-go dancers in the club — and he moved just like them too. But, as Jennifer Lopez’s lover Casper Smart, strutted around shirtless and grinded female patrons, onlookers couldn’t help but stare — and wonder why Casper was still working at the adults-only hotspot.” Maybe he likes having a job. Maybe he enjoys dancing. Maybe J.Lo, who spent her formative years as a Fly Girl, identifies with having to put on body glitter and booty shorts to dance and hustle for a dollar. Casper “is still working a job that many would consider sleazy and a potential embarrassment to an A-lister like J. Lo. Add in that Casper has an arrest record for drag racing and driving without a valid license and a reputation as a womanizer, and it’s easy to see why so many are worried about her.” TELL YOUR FRIENDS TO FIND A MAN OF THEIR OWN.

Demi/Ashton/Lorene Scafaria: “Demi is way more pissed about Lorene” since it “seems like an actual affair. Everyone thinks Ashton just sleeps with 21-year-olds from clubs. But Lorene is a smart educated woman, and now he’s flaunting her.” Demi, who will play Gloria Steinem in Lovelace, is devastated. “The fact that Scafaria is a Hollywood insider is another bitter pill for Moore to swallow.” And “Demi isn’t dating yet.” “Nearly 4 million people live in Los Angeles but the City Of Angels is still too small for Demi Moore.” “LA is a small city if you’re rich and famous.” “Demi doesn’t want to see her ex at her favorite restaurants, stores, or clubs, so she’s decided to spend more time at her Central Park co-op.”

Tom Cruise: “If I’m not climbing big buildings, I’ll just go and find something else to climb!” “I got the chance to dance in a different way than I ever have before, and I sang like I’ve always wanted to.” “Being an actor is great because I always get to build new skills, from learning to play pool with Paul Newman to racing cars. I totally love that.” Suri “dresses herself and creates her own outfits. She was born that way!” Katie Holmes “has exquisite taste.”

Kim Kardashian Broke Up Kanye West and Amber Rose? According to Amber “Kim is one of the main reasons why me and Kanye are not together. She’s a homewrecker!” Rose was dating West while Kardashian was with Reggie Bush. “They were both cheating on me and Reggie with each other.” Kim “instigated the whole affair by calling, texting, and sending racy photos of herself to Kanye.” Amber found out and confronted Kim, but “she just wouldn’t give up trying to steal Amber’s man. Quoth Amber: “She was sending pictures and I was like, ‘Kim, just stop. Don’t be that person.’” Kardashian never responded to an e-mail from Rose. “She’s cut from a different cloth than I am. I thought at least she’d be woman enough to respond to me. I would have answered it. I would have said ‘I’m sorry.’” She speculates that “Kanye was telling her that he cared about her” and then asserts “it’s very important that us women stick together and we don’t fuck each other over like that. It’s not cool. You don’t do that to somebody. There are a million men out there.” Amber rebounded from her relationship with Kanye with Reggie Bush (TWIST!) “When me and Reggie met, it was kind of like we had that conversation about what happened to both of our relationships.” Amber wants to thank Kim for helping her get together with Wiz Khalifa. “I want to thank her, because if she was never a homewrecker then I would never have met Wiz and I wouldn’t be as happy as I am now!”

Sandra Bullock On Her Divorce: “I was perfectly content to be permanently broken.” “her next challenge is to start dating again.” “Bullock and the giggling tot shared a grilled cheese” “Louis is the only man in her life.”

Getting Married: LeBron James and Savannah Brinson, Wynonna Judd and Cactus Moser, Michael Jordan and Yvette Prieto, Aretha Franklin and William “Willie” Wilkerson, Steven Tyler and Erin Brady, Mario Lopez and Courtney Mazza, John Legend and Chrissy Teigen.

Things You Don’t Know About Bravo’s Andy Cohen (Excerpted)

    - I’m an NRA-certified Expert Rifleman
    - I was a B-52s go-go dancer
    - I fantasize about moving to an island and tending bar
    - I have only been inside one Housewife’s house: RHOBH‘s Lisa Vanderpump
    - I wish men’s jumpsuits would come back in style
    - I’m a Deadhead at heart
    - Snoopy makes me happy
    - I can’t imagine anyone is interested in this list
    - I love a lady with a side ponytail

US Weekly

Best Pictures: Jonah Hill surfing, Mischa Barton reading Jennifer Egan’s A Visit From The Goon Squad on a lounge chaise in Miami Beach.

Actual Story: “Stars Are Chillin’” (celebrities go skiing)

Miscellaneous/Inane: “Long locks, leotard, frosted pink lips and pouty power pose.” “tinted tresses make her look like three different women.” “Keep the ring and the Bentley, I want the puppy.” “It looks new even though I’ve spilled on it.” “straw fedora from her recent getaway to Mexico with beau George Clooney” “Why should you pay more for something that someone else is paying less for?” Lea Michele: “I’m half-Italian. I can eat some bitches under the table.” Scarlett Johansson: “I’m not the kind of person who just slops around in sweatpants.” “Seal kept his Frau from getting too frosty.” “They Admire Sea Life!” “They were making out for 20 minutes!” “I’m married again — suuuuuuck it!” “Glanville is glib about the nonsense nuptials.” “Justin knows how much she loves snowboarding.” “the most regular Bachelor ever!” “I’m more attracted to brunettes, but then I never find myself dating them, which is weird.” “It’s a workplace drama, and that workplace is Marilyn: The Musical” Robert Harling’s Good Christian Bitches is now titled GCB. “ladies who punch the comedy clock.” “The dad of two, 45, who was detained in August for allegedly punching a bus driver.” “Someone even shouted, ‘Are you the real Dolly Parton?’ I said ‘There’s no such thing!’” “everyone’s replaceable.” “Fire engine-red evokes an attitude — like high heels but for your face.”

InTouch

Best Pictures: Staged anthropomorphic photos of praying mantises.

Actual Story: “They Look Like Gumby” (stars in green)

Miscellaneous/Inane: “Pippa appears to be in serious need of a nap.” “Kevin Federline seems to have found his ideal sport — one that allows him to sit down!” “SHOW US YOUR NIPS!” “Hey, sailors!” “Taylor Swift — so matronly.” “‘He’s a little nerd!’ says proud big sister Rihanna of computer science-loving little brother Rajad Fenty, 14″ On Jason Sudeikis: “How does this guy get so many hot girls?!” “Someone just maxed out their Hot Topic gift card! And that someone is you, Steven Tyler!” “Jessica wore her beloved green turtleneck after her breakup with John Mayer.” “It’s my magic sweater!” Owen Wilson: “Babies look more like other babies than their parents.” “She’s super-fun and I want to squeeze her!” “So certain, in fact, that she secretly wrote him a letter a day, confiding her hopes and dreams that they would one day spend the rest of their lives together.” “Big breasts would look weird on me.” “seeking solace in comfort foods like buttery croissants, soft pretzels, corn dogs, and Chinese buffet.” “she fears leaving him in charge could mean a cheeseburger wedding cake!” Britney Spears “has been married twice, but she’s never gotten to have her dream wedding.” A still-pregnant Beyonce had a special “hairpiece designed just for the delivery! She wanted to look spectacular for her biggest performance.” “Just because he has a baby on the way doesn’t mean that Scott Disick has changed his playboy ways.” “Bristol’s in love again — but still celibate!” “Her career goals are modest, at least when compared to her mother’s.” “Leo loves the libations!” “I’m not as mean as I seem.” “healthy competition is important.”

Star

Best Pictures: Brenda Song’s yellow smiley face poncho

Actual Story: “The Bachelor Lesbian Scandal”

Miscellaneous/Inane: “A heavily pregnant — and hungry — Jessica Simpson.” “A Good Paddling” “If I was not in the gym every day, I would be a house!” Adele “always swore up and down that she was comfortable in her own skin, but she’s only human. Se wanted to sex up her image a bit. And she thinks she’ll get even more fashion and acting offers if she shaves off a few pounds.” “There’s just one man who can satisfy Sofia Vergara…when she has a craving for crunch!” “to bring some decadence to the table.” “I want them to be sexy but not trashy.” “Good thing Mom was there to take care of his owie!” “shops for mink while facing jail” “nonstop fights and sexless nights” “Ryan Phillippe has landed himself another hot blonde girlfriend — and this one is the youngest yet!” “They keep them a little looped up” “Both were party demons while attending college in Arizona!” “We played drunk tennis. Not to brag but I dominated, yea” “the couple plan to use the wedding as a scheme to pocket extra cash.” Amber Rose: “I was never a prostitute. I would dance. I would make my money and then I would go home and pay my bills.” Scarlett Johannsson “saw photos of [Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds] spending the holidays together and wanted to throw up.” “Hilary’s having one of those adorable ‘all-belly’ pregnancies — no wonder she wants to show off her legs!” “Tweak Of The Week” “the joke is supposed to be that the city of Portland, Ore., is full of hipsters who don’t know how pretentious and silly they are.” “this low-key drama is about giving up youthful dreams, which is hard to do.” “we were legit doing laundry.”

OK!

Best Pictures: An out of focus pixelated photo of Halle Berry, various shots of Lindsay Lohan looking uh, exhilarated, on prior New Year’s Eves.

Actual Story: “Queen Elizabeth Takes The Train”

Miscellaneous/Inane: “She claims she’s learned to control her anger.” “She has a sense of entitlement now, and if anyone tells her what to do — watch out!” “this classic kid move — the old fall-on-the-ground-and-become-dead-weight trick” “Kate’s really cool Christmas hat” “Experts credit shows like Teen Mom with reducing the teen birth rate to the lowest level reported in years.” “how she keeps her famous hair looking so good” “This product is nothing more than a party enhancer, designed to give users the ability to drink until they drop — and it promotes a dangerously excessive consumption of caffeine among youngsters and teens.” “Be the rebel you are, Shiloh!” “Angelina’s plot to steal Jen’s baby joy” “Angie’s having a child because she wants one, but part of her can’t wait to steal Jen’s thunder. She knows a Brangelina baby would be the best revenge of all.” “an adventurous side seems to be a must for Matthew’s ladies” “At dinner I always ordered the restaurant’s most popular dish.” “Fruit is very filling.” “self-proclaimed wild teen once hooked on drugs” “It takes pain to be beautiful.” “Leather dress.” Sinead O’Connor: “looking for a bit of smoke of weed for me wedding night.”

Molly Lambert is a Grantland staff writer.


Previously:
This Week’s Top 10 Dance/Club Play Songs
Hollywood’s (Excellent) Crazy Lady Boom
Molly Grades the Charts: The Top Ten of 2011

Filed Under: Jennifer Lopez, Kanye West, Katy Perry, Kim Kardashian, Lebron James, Michael Jordan, Molly's Magazines, Reggie Bush, Russell Brand, Sandra Bullock, Tom Cruise

Photo on 2014-01-10 at 12.58 #3

Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

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