The Bachelor’s Born-Again Virginity, and Other Absurdities From This Week’s Tabloids
Sean the Bachelor Is a Virgin: Despite one date where he “cuddled and made snow angels” and another involving “a catamaran ride to a private island,” this season’s The Bachelor contestant, Sean Lowe, is abstinent. As in “chaste.” As in, he still has his V-card? “Sean doesn’t want to have sex until he’s married.” Turns out he’s a born-again virgin. “Though Lowe did have sex in college, he embraced religion in his twenties and no longer believes in premarital relations.” Oh. Producers claim they didn’t exactly know, but, yeah, right. “By the time Lowe whittled down the women to his final three, these potential wives were eager to pass first base.” Normally, the fantasy suite dates are known for being sex marathons, “but instead of seducing them, Lowe revealed his idea of a fantasy: waiting until marriage.” Oh. “The women didn’t see it coming. They were disappointed.” Hopefully, producers provided them with vibrators or something. “He had some pretty intense makeout sessions.” A virgin who only ever wants to make out? Sounds like Taylor Swift has finally found her future husband.
How Stars Lost Their Virginities:
- Ashton Kutcher was 15 when he took “like two seconds” to lose his virginity “in the Iowa woods.” Two years later, he had sex with the same girl “just to show her that the first performance was a fluke.” Suuuuuure, Ashton.
- Angelina Jolie “employed a dangerous prop” which would be shocking if this weren’t Angelina Jolie. “The emotions didn’t feel enough. In a moment of wanting to feel closer to my boyfriend, I grabbed a knife and cut him. He cut me back.” She was 14, and could probably have eaten Ashton Kutcher for lunch.
- Jessica Simpson famously saved herself for Nick Lachey. She was 22. After her divorce from Lachey, she made up for lost time with John Mayer.
- Tina Fey was 24 when she lost her virginity to her now-husband, Jeff Richmond. “I couldn’t give it away. That’s just good Christian values. Or bein’ homely.” LUV YOU SO MUCH TINA HAPPY ANNA HOWARD SHAW DAY!
Blake Lively: “I just want Beyoncé to be the mother of my children.”
Michelle Williams on Jason Segel: “I didn’t realize he was so tall. I thought, ‘Hey, man, you’re cramping my style!’ I tried wearing wedge heels for a while to compensate, but it just wasn’t me and I gave up.” This is the Michelle Williams who is not in Destiny’s Child, by the way.
Mila Kunis Rides for Cargo Pants: “I’ve been wearing the same pair of dark green Old Navy cargo pants like, nonstop for 15 years. My friends hate them so much, they hide them from me. When those fall apart, I swear I’m going to get someone to copy them for me.”
Gwyneth Paltrow & Jessica Simpson: Gwyneth “is giving up showbiz for, well, business.” After her next movie wraps, “she will focus on growing her lifestyle website Goop.” OH, GOOD, MORE GOOP. “Her role model: Jessica Simpson!” What? Do blondes stick together or something? “She admires Jessica’s empire. She wants to make a killing.” Girl, more money is not going to help what is wrong with you. “She’s lost her passion for movies.” Is trashing movies the new cool thing? Next thing you know she’ll be doing an hour-long cable TV drama. Sigh.
Cameron Diaz & Michael Fassbender: The Counselor costars had dinner at London’s Soho hotel “and then made their way upstairs to a suite!” Is it weird how much I want Cameron Diaz to go on The Millionaire Matchmaker so Patti Stanger can ream her out about dating athletes and peak-era Justin Timberlake (womanizers)? Actually, fuck that. Maybe Cameron really doesn’t care about settling down or having kids. She’s basically said as much. Get that Shame dick, Cam!
P!nk: “There’s something about breaking up with someone — you just look hotter than you ever did before.” Yeah, everyone looks awesome crying in sweatpants.
Jennifer Lawrence on John Stamos: “I turned into a perverted guy. I was, like, following him into rooms and staring at his ass.” You’re a pervy girl, J. Law, it’s cool. Come join us on the Internet.
Lena Dunham on Katy Perry’s Boobs: “They are so amazing.” Have you seen John Stamos’s ass, though?
Keira Knightley on the British Royals: “I really can’t mount an argument in favor of the monarchy. Is that treason? Do I have to turn in my passport?”
Things You Don’t Know About Drew Carey (Excerpts)
- “I drive my Vespa on the freeway. In LA you can split lanes, and I hate traffic more than I value my life.”
- “I’m a Libertarian, so after presidential elections I’m depressed no matter who wins.”
- “I didn’t start doing stand-up until I was 28. Before that, I worked mostly as [a] waiter.”
- “I was once so broke, I had to give blood to get money for food.”
- “I play accordion, but not well.”
- “I took up photography after The Drew Carey Show went off the air in 2004. I shot the World Cup in Germany.”
- “Every day, I do something I wish I could take back.”
- “I was academically dismissed from Kent State University in Ohio. Twice.”
- “I have an honorary degree from Kent State.”
- “I used to have my nipples pierced.”
What’s in Martha Stewart’s Purse? “I’m known as ‘The Bag Lady’ because I carry all kinds of stuff.” PACK LIGHT! “I clean it weekly!” Stuff in Martha’s purse includes three pairs of glasses, two hairbrushes, and two BlackBerrys. “I download my books with the Kindle app. I’m reading Bring Up the Bodies, Hilary Mantel’s novel about Thomas Cromwell. She has an iPad, “a week’s worth of supplements, as well as floss and aspirin.” Makeup includes “Amore Pacific primer, Clé de Peau foundation and Lancome eyeliner, which I love for its very thin applicator. I also carry a few Bobbi Brown lip glosses.”
Misc/Etc: “I never wear anything shorter than a 4-inch heel” “obese and obnoxious” “sexist and gross” “I know I look superyoung” “female hippo” “addicted to getting work done” “Come with me, little one!” “This is a problem I can fix by making a cake.” “That’s usually a hot night in the house: uncovering murders.” “Priscilla Presley in the 70s” “Adele literally sprinted over to hug Dave Grohl” “John Mayer, in a plaid shirt and cowboy hat, brunches on pancakes” “She posts a picture of her cat, Meredith” “Nicole Kidman happily headbangs” “acting like two teenagers in love” “Selena Gomez snapped a selfie” “I have always liked names that have resonated over hundreds of years” “holding each other and cuddling” “Luckily I have a wife who really understands and is very supportive” “My wedding would be like a keg party if I got my way.” “She is pretty carefree.” “If you’re going to faint, it’s a very elegant place to faint!” “Justin Bieber snacking on guacamole” “Jennifer Aniston and costar Mos Def sharing a four-hour meal.”
Lindsay & Dina Lohan Are Homeless? Dina was served with foreclosure papers for her $1.3 million Long Island home. “Just when Lindsay thought things couldn’t get any worse, they did.” While Lindsay has usually “taken care of the family financially,” she’s low on funds and “her chronic habit of putting partying before work has finally caught up with her.” So she’s kinda like anyone else who has to move home in their mid-20s and finds it completely humiliating? I wonder if she watches Girls. “She has chosen to spend all her time in nightclubs, and now she’s seeing the consequences of her actions. She’s burned too many bridges.” Meanwhile, worst mom ever Dina Lohan “would rather be the princess of the poorhouse than go to work.” So that’s where Lindsay got her work ethic. “Dina needs to quit thinking she’s better than working-class people and actually get a nine-to-five job to take care of her family.” Yeah, right, but also, SERIOUSLY.
Kate Upton’s Favorite Things
- “My iPod is mostly country and rap. One minute I’m singing about heartbreak in the countryside — I’m a big Miranda Lambert fan — but then I’m rapping about chains and rims!”
- “Nobu! I could literally eat sushi all day, it’s almost disgusting.” ALMOST.
- “Anywhere in the Caribbean — if there’s a beach, I’m good!” Anyone else grossed out by that quote about how shooting in a bikini in Antarctica for Sports Illustrated made Upton start to lose her sight and hearing afterward? Especially since the photos ended up looking totally green-screened anyway? Shouldn’t someone have been in charge of making sure Kate Upton’s health was cared for in extreme conditions? Or did everyone assume those titties would keep her warm? (That was a serious inquiry.)
Katy Perry & John Mayer: “She followed him around like a puppy” at the Grammys. “It’s as if she was scared to let him out of her sight.” John and Katy both “used to party all night” but Perry has “put the wild life behind her for John.” Here’s what Patti Stanger thinks: “I guess two players like Katy and John make a stayer who likes to hang at home. Good for them; if they keep this up they may be engaged by fall, married by next spring, and become two boring folks who end up growing old together while strumming their acoustic guitars. What’s next, knitting?” Man that’s an unusually positive comment for Patti, only sort of undermining.
Chris Brown & Karrueche Tran: Still together. She’s living at his Hollywood home while he shacks up with Rihanna for publicity (and to emotionally torture Rihanna). “He sees Karrueche whenever he can.”
Selma Blair: Wearing the crew hat for Cruel Intentions at the Hollywood Farmers’ Market bearing the movie’s original name; Cruel Inventions. That movie is so good, and Selma Blair is sort of underrated. She was great in Todd Solondz’s Dark Horse.
Drew Barrymore Lasers Off Her Tattoos: She’s converting to Judaism for her husband, Will Kopelman, and wants to be buried in a traditional Jewish cemetery (which means no tattoos). Shockingly, she only has six, which “she accumulated during her years as a wild child; a bouquet of flowers on her hip, a butterfly on her stomach, a crescent moon on her toe, a cross on her leg, and two angels on her lower back.” Sounds about right. “Drew also wants to be a Santa Barbara mom, and tattoos clash with that wardrobe.” Pretty sure there are moms in Santa Barbara with tattoos. I mean, it’s still California! “She’s growing up and turning conservative.”
Misc/Etc: “He has an arrogance about him” “In an effort to enact revenge on the Grammies for snubbing him” “he’s a little too similar to his conceited alter ego” “who knew nerds could be so cold?” “A victory for hipsters!” “drinking, smoking weed, and abusing pills” “from failed NFL player to failed fashion designer” “Britney Spears apparently invented a time machine to return to whatever year this curious outfit was popular.” “Kelly Clarkson was a royal for a day as the Grand Marshal of the Krewe of Endymion Mardi Gras parade in New Orleans” “escaped the frigid winter of his native Scotland” “Prepare to swoon, tweens!” “donned a curly wig and leather pants” “looking like a cross between Billy Idol and a 1991 Forever 21 clearance rack” “Eco-warrior Leonardo DiCaprio” “Reunited and it feels so wrong”
Jenny McCarthy Swears Off Men: “I’m taking a break from love!” announces Jenny McCarthy. She claims that she’s focusing on making herself happy after investing too much in relationships that went south. She was married for six years to John Asher, and then dated Jim Carrey for five. “Now I’m enjoying being single.” Wait, Jenny McCarthy is the one who should go on The Millionaire Matchmaker. Duh. Jenny also admits “if someone wanted to set me up with Bradley Cooper I would say ‘Fuck all the bullshit I just said!’” Her last serious romance was five glorious months with Chicago Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher. Jenny “is on a dating sabbatical. A man would just distract me right now.” She’s also “done posing nude” but could be persuaded in a decade “if my boobs aren’t zucchinis when I’m 50!” She also says “in my twenties I was searching for my ‘ever after’” and was surprised when it didn’t work out. “But if I tried to tell 20-year-old Jenny that, she’d be like ‘Fuck you, old Jenny!’” Anyone else laughing to keep from crying? She says she “won’t commit unless someone meets me at my level.” Her son Evan is “turning into a real ball-buster!” She says her new talk show emulates Oprah, but “no way would I ever say I’m the next Oprah — that’s like saying I’m the next God!” She says she’d have any of her exes on the show, “but I’m not going to be the Taylor Swift of talk shows” (BURN!) She’s not sure what her type is anymore. “I’ve always flip-flopped. I’m like, ‘I want a guy who wants to stay at home.’ So I date that guy and then I’m like ‘Ew! I need a guy who goes out a lot.’ So I’ve surrendered to not putting that out there. Even if he’s got a belly, I’m happy.” The five words she uses to describe herself naked are “hairy, pale, bloated, sweaty, and saggy” Jesus, Jenny, you’re still incredibly beautiful and your favorite movie is Airplane. I’m too sad about this to do a Singled Out joke. For breakfast this morning, she had “soup.”
Lady Gaga’s Latest Tour Rider
- 6 containers of Activia yogurt
- 1 pack of long straws (must be extra long)
- 2 large fluffy lavender towels and 2 lavender washcloths
- Fresh lavender, yellow, or white roses
- Irish whiskey
- a “glam rock” dressing room with “silver satin draped over the walls”
- 1 mannequin with puffy pink pubic hair
Tim McGraw: “These pants were too tight to put underwear on. Now I’ve really embarrassed my daughters!”
Jennifer Lawrence & John Stamos, Continued: When Lawrence trailed Uncle Jesse room to room staring at his ass, “he asked me if I was on mushrooms.” I’m rooting for Jennifer Lawrence to win, mostly so we can hear her Oscars speech. Also, that could’ve been flirting! Maybe!
Julianne Hough: “Every conversation with the Houghs ends up with us talking about vaginas somehow!”
Misc/Etc: “SETH IS DATING BLAIR?!” “lighter skin and a smaller nose” “which the rep deemed unflattering” “loser of the week: the monopoly iron” “the cookie’s bigger than your head!” “drives, eats a macaroon, and walks the dog!” “doesn’t let freezing East Coast temps stop her from enjoying some Italian ice.” “looks royally sexy” “Will it catch on like ‘The Rachel’?” “My big sister is such a stud” “Love is everything!” “Inappropriate or respectful?” “she snuck in some sex appeal” “you had at emerald green sequins” “more like curtains than couture!” “narcissistic stalker” “embarrassingly tacky” “she needs to grow up” “miserable, trapped, and alone” “was a tomboy growing up” “I WORE HILLARY’S HAND-ME DOWNS”
Sarah Silverman on Gaming: “I’m stuck in a moment called Nintendo 64.”
Sean the Bachelor: “The cool thing is, your whole relationship is documented.” Will the loss of your second virginity be documented, Sean?
Bradley Cooper Is Honest: “I’m enjoying every minute of this.”
Jennifer Lawrence: “I’m still waiting for a couple of tips on how to shut up.” Nah.
Misc/Etc: “Her natural look appears effortless” “a youthful braid” “these two are so loved-up they don’t need the trappings of Hollywood to keep their relationship alive.” “Now they have an incredibly racy sex life.” “They’re happily setting up their white-picket-fence dream in Bedford and planning to pop out a baby as soon as possible.” “He’s even talking about setting up chicken coops!” “I felt like a princess” “soaked up some sun and caught up on some magazines” “bags, Dachshund, and a Starbucks beverage” “This year, I am having fun.” “It’s a real gusher” “using those formidable torso muscles of him to gyrate with that 1950s favorite, the hula hoop.”
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“ITS TIME THAT US MEN STARTED RESPECTING TO THE BASIN THAT OUR QUEENS SIT ON! LETS RAISE THE NEXT GENERATION TO HAVE BETTER AIM SO WOMEN DONT HAVE TO PEE & POOP ON OUR PEE!…and IM NOT TRYING TO POOP ON YOUR PEE EITHER! BASICALLY, TO ALL THE FRAT GUYS AND SHITTY DADS, QUIT FUCKING UP THE DEUCE SESH FOR THE REST OF US! BUMP THIS CUT IN ALL AIRPORT BATHROOMS AND FOOTBALL GAMES! FUCK A DRUNK DAD PISSING ON THE GROUND, AND A FRAT BRO TOO HAMMERED TO HANDLE HIS DANGLER! MAN UP AND LEARN DONG CONTROL!…IM OUT!!!” — Macklemore