Taylor Swift and Conor Kennedy Are Never Ever, Etc. … and Other Horror Stories From This Week’s Tabloids
Taylor Swift & Conor Kennedy Split: “Taylor Swift was in the mood to talk about — what else? — heartache.” During a listening party for Red she explained one song saying, “Long-distance dating is hard, and is something I face constantly.” And will probably deal with for the rest of her life, unless she quits touring. Swift and her 18-year-old boyfriend, Conor Kennedy, recently broke up. “The breakup was mutual because of the distance, schedules, and being at different places in their lives.” Why do I not believe that any Taylor Swift breakup is ever really “mutual”? Although self-professed “hopeless romantic” Taylor tried to make it work with Conor, soon “reality set in.” She is promoting her new album nonstop for the next year, and Kennedy is in high school. “There aren’t many guys game for a serious relationship with a girl who’s out of town the majority of the year.” Swift should date a pro athlete next! Just playing. She should date a civilian who could go on tour with her. Are there any sweet guitar techs out there that don’t mind having an album potentially written about them?
Justin Timberlake Apologizes for Tasteless Wedding Video: “This was clearly a lapse in judgment.” JT is “very sorry to anyone who was offended” by the video that exploited homeless Angelenos. He says of his friend that made it, “You can bet your ass that I’m having him do 100 hours of community service … Boom.”
Things You Don’t Know About President Barack Obama (Excerpts)
- “I taught Sasha how to shoot a three-pointer”
- “I’m left-handed”
- “I’ll never forget my favorite teacher, Ms. Hefty, whom I had in fifth grade.” Man, a teacher named Ms. Hefty? No kid would ever make fun of that name.
- “Homeland is my favorite TV show”
- “A couple of the things I miss most about growing up in Hawaii: bodysurfing and eating shaved ice.”
- “I’ve never missed a parent-teacher conference since becoming president.”
- “Apples are my favorite healthy snack.”
- His first kiss with Michelle was “outside of a Baskin-Robbins ice cream shop in Chicago’s Hyde Park.”
(Mitt Romney declined to participate in this exercise after being asked by Us.)
Javier Bardem: “To write an email is like I am doing rocket science. I am not so into it.” I love you, Javier Bardem. You and Penélope Cruz are my favorite Hollywood power couple, hands down.
Adam Levine: “I just need a buffer zone between my junk and the outside world.” SO DO WE, ADAM LEVINE. LOTS AND LOTS OF BUFFER ZONES.
Misc/Etc: “Mahalo, Don Draper!” “He’s very entitled” “mullet of yesteryear” “Both of them are mothers and divorced” “I’m a dancer at heart!” “Sean’s still a ladies’ man!” “It’s healthy, y’all!” “Do you like it hot?” “Marilyn Monroe or a skeleton? Who knows!” “He’s genuinely the nicest guy” “They are very cuddly” “She’s trying not to be clingy now that they’re together” “He guided her with his hand on the small of her back” “they are boys and like to roughhouse” “The single actress, 40, ferociously flirted” “They hook up whenever she’s in New York” “I don’t think they’ll get together for real” “Beyoncé shopping at a Target” “A longneck bottle of beer” “their sweet, sweet harmonies” “redneck carousing in the Georgia swamps” “a guitar covering his love thing” “I love my ass!” “nobody is too young to write a memoir” “a cocky pilot who snorts cocaine” “casual spending and icky sex talk” “Heartbreak can be invigorating.”
Hollywood Stars Don’t Respect ‘The Girl Code': “Female friends around the globe know you never hook up with a BFF’s ex — but not these celebs, who shared the same guy!” Well, it’s not their fault the pool of eligible Hollywood dudes is so ridiculously small and polluted. Maybe they don’t care anymore, and are aware that some famous dudes are known to be big sluts. Kristen Wiig got together with her Whip It director Drew Barrymore’s on-and-off Strokes drummer ex Fabrizio Moretti, John Mayer went from Taylor Swift to Katy Perry, and Cameron Diaz and Kate Hudson fought over A-Rod. “These guys get around!” Let’s mix it up! How about Katy Perry and Fabrizio? John Mayer and Kristen Wiig? Taylor Swift and A-Rod!
Katy Perry & John Mayer: Speaking of Perry and Mayer, Perry “has started seeing him as father material” despite his rep as a “notorious lothario.” Katy, 28, is “daydreaming of a life with John, 35.” Better not tell John. “Katy has the romantic notion that she and John could raise a pack of kids on his ranch in Montana. Katy’s friends and family are horrified at the thought.” Although she swore it was going to be a casual hookup, “she’s telling friends that she’s fallen in love with John and it’s out of her control.” I think everyone saw that coming, just like everyone sees a horrific public Mayer-Perry breakup coming in the near future, and two albums about said breakup coming sometime shortly after that. Patti Stanger says, “It’s official: Katy has lost her mind. To beg John to be her baby daddy with no responsibilities is just asking for abuse.” She suggests that if Perry is really baby crazy, she should get some sperm from a reputable bank.
Britney Spears & Jason Trawick: After Trawick and Spears first got together, her family was pleased. “Finally, she’d have someone who would love and take care of her, a welcome change after years of being surrounded by losers and users.” But Trawick has reportedly moved into a hotel recently, and has been accused of cheating on the pop princess with club skanks. “He can’t take [Britney's] craziness anymore. He never knows what she’s going to be like from one day to the next. Sometimes she’s happy, other times she starts talking in funny accents and doesn’t make sense. He is exhausted.” And I’m like, I’m just, I mean, this is exhausting, you know?
Kanye and … Khloe? “Kanye West has found a new fashion project — Khloe Kardashian. Tired of his girlfriend Kim’s constant fashion fails, the rapper and designer is turning his attention to Khloe. She’s been living in her sisters’ shadow for so long, it’s nice to finally get the attention. Kim’s love of tacky, tight dresses has made her an outcast with high society.” Kim is an Edith Wharton heroine. But now “Khloe’s chic new style is a hit. Kanye introduced Khloe toVogue‘s Anna Wintour, who shunned Kim.” I hope Khloe gets a Vogue cover.
Russell Crowe & Teresa Palmer: Palmer was “jilted by hunky beau Scott Speedman” recently and is hoping for rebound revenge. “Teresa is looking for a really big fish to date since boyfriend Scott dumped her. To be blunt, she’s looking to snag an older, super rich guy and isn’t afraid to be a homewrecker.” She should’ve chosen Noel her freshman year at NYU? The 26-year-old Palmer has crushed on Crowe “since she was a teenager” and is a fellow Australian. “She’ll only be satisfied when she’s a part of the superelite.” I guarantee you she won’t be satisfied then.
Jennifer Aniston’s Body Double Dating Mel Gibson: Aniston’s friend and stand-in Ashley Cusato has been warned by Aniston to watch out for Mel. “Jen respects Mel as an an actor, but he’s not the type of guy she’d want her friends to date — he’s a heartbreaker.” You meant to say abusive racist, I think. “Ashley insisted that he’ll be different with her, but Jen didn’t buy it.” How about a Taken-style revenge movie in which Jennifer Aniston is forced to kill Mel Gibson on behalf of her body double? It’s like Face/Off with bodies.
David Duchovny & Minnie Driver: “Smush alert!” Sorry, all you RL Mulder/Scully ‘shippers (me) hoping those rumors of Duchovny and Gillian Anderson shacking up were true, Duchovny is actually having a “no-strings attached relationship” with his Return to Me co-star Minnie Driver. “They aren’t dating because they don’t want to risk losing their friendship, so they’re just hooking up.” That will end well.
Scarlett Johansson & Lindsay Lohan’s ex: Scarlett is dating “Lindsay Lohan’s ex-boyfriend Domingo Zapata.” Zapata is “a contemporary artist whose works include a portrait of a barely clothed Sofia Vergara.” He has a penthouse at The Bowery Hotel that Scarlett has been spotted leaving. “Domingo has been telling all his friends about Scarlett — he’s crazy about her.” He also “cut ties with Lindsay, who was driving his Porsche in September when she allegedly hit a bystander.” ALLEGEDLY! “He couldn’t handle being with Lindsay. Her antics were just too much.” Remember the time that Lohan was hanging out with Kate Moss in New York and they tagged “Scarlett is a bloody cunt/L/Peace and love/[illegible] fucker” on the bathroom wall at Dark Room? I do.
Rosie O’Donnell Matchmaking For Honey Boo Boo‘s Uncle Poodle: Rosie “knows how it feels to be treated differently. She’d love to find Poodle a hot, rich, gay man from New York City.”
Misc/Etc: “No one can quite understand why you hurt so badly” “too blotto to be embarrassed” “The country world disowned her” “a twisted publicity stunt” “slid down an open overflow pipe” “feeding a duck” “They say they’re still friends but there are a lot of hurt feelings involved” “dumped by another Prince Charming” “She’s a beast!” “It drives her crazy that she was so wrong” “really low-class” “her album sales have tanked” “Can she turn the Biebs into the next Paul Newman?” “He sleeps, eats, and breathes movies” “Hollywood is fickle, but a college degree lasts forever” “it’s hard to flirt with girls from a hospital bed” “the traditions and turmoil of ancient womanhood” “intoxicated, red-eyed, and showing some serious butt crack” “sucking down mixed vodka drinks all night long” “She became an animal” “She hates being alone” “as the teenage star of a homemade sex video” “Boys actually do cry”
Rihanna & Chris Brown: “Just two days after Rihanna, 24, got cozy with on-again beau Chris Brown, 23, at a Beverly Hills party, the bad-boy singer was spotted sneaking out of his house with ex-girlfriend Karrueche Tran, 24.” Here we go again, I guess. Ugh. “Rihanna has seen the incriminating pics, and she’s humiliated that he’d screw her over. Chris made this big thing of saying it was over between him and Karrueche, but it’s clearly not!” Chris Brown is full of shit.
Clooney’s Sister Says George Won’t Wed: “George will probably not get married. I know everyone says, ‘Well, Warren Beatty said he’d never get married and then he met Annette Bening,’ but that’s the only example people can think of.” Also, Clooney was married once before, to Talia Balsam, now better known as the onscreen and real-life wife of John “Roger Sterling” Slattery. “George decided that he could have the career, or he could have a family. Stacy [Keibler] seems very nice,” but George “hasn’t brought her home to meet the family, and he rarely talks about his girlfriend.” He keeps in touch with his sister mostly by e-mail and the occasional phone call. “He set goals for himself and worked hard and achieved those goals. He’s very happy with his life.”
Misc/Etc: “He’s terrified of commitment” “spent the summer kissing and snuggling” “nothing a little cardio and a new stylist can’t fix” “She’s still getting over her divorce” “astonishingly arrogant liar” “he couldn’t mask his hotness if he tried!” “Everyone in their social circle went to that instead” “breast-dressed” “I get to yell!” “gives himself a carrot mustache” “It’s not like we’re going to go out and cheat on each other” “an ’80s Volvo with a broken headlight” “I don’t know if Joe is gay, but I think he’s lost chasing his youth” “He was even throwing money on the ground” “her old pattern of falling hard for a guy she barely knows” “She’s on display” “Exploited by adults” “stage parents had her modeling at age 3″ “He’s gone all the time” “People were weirded out he was creeping on sorority girls” “She didn’t seem to care that everyone saw her naked.”
Tom Hanks & Bruce Springsteen: “Tom spoke of exchanging texts with The Boss.” That’s an all-American bromance we can all get into.
Guyliner: “Johnny Depp wears guyliner (eyeliner for guys) while playing Captain Jack Sparrow in the movies. But he also wears it in real life, when not portraying eccentric pirates.” The pioneer of modern guyliner is Elvis, who wore his mother’s eyeliner to feel close to her (and get that smoldering look). Kathie Lee Gifford weighs in to say “The day Frank Gifford wears guyliner, civilization has ceased to exist.”
Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes: “Tom literally never even considered that they would get a divorce.” If Tom Cruise leaves Scientology he will win an Oscar just for existing.
John Mayer’s Napalm Dick Is a Life-Ruiner: A “friend” of Mayer’s says, “Every girl I know who has slept with John says it was the best sex of their life. I’m not sure what exactly he does, but after girls sleep with him, they’re ruined.” Maybe it’s what he DOESN’T do, am I right? Wink wink nudge nudge. What are we talking about again? Oh right, John Mayer’s dick. Yeah I don’t know. He’s a good guitarist. His head game is probably crazy.
Snooki on What Jersey Shore Will Be Remembered For: “Animal print.”
Michelle Williams & Jason Segel: The couple “are setting up house in Brooklyn, sharing a loft in a converted warehouse overlooking the Manhattan skyline.” Kim Kelly totally made a good call setting these two up.
Misc/Etc: “Bad, bad, boyfriend” “They want to start a family, like, yesterday” “the South is the best place in the world for kids to grow up” “the greatest vampire sex you’ve ever had” “seasonal muffins” “Can’t decide if Jennifer Lopez looks like a granny or a teenager in that track suit” “Taylor Swift flaunted it all in the middle of NYC’s Times Square” “Baby will you go get daddy? Just tell him I’m bleeding” “a satirical deadpan beat poem” “No laser surgery will be required for this split” “She has never stopped loving him” “I just look like I have a beer belly” “known for running through women like socks and then telling the world about it” “He admitted that he acted like a dick to her at times” “John sucks these hot women in by charming the pants off them” “serial thoughtlessness” “inevitably end up with his hipster vibe of darkness”