Suggesting Alternative NYC Tabloid Headlines for the Chris Brown–Drake Fight

DrakeAmazingly, both of New York City’s major tabloids — the Post and the Daily News — devoted their front pages today to Drake and Chris Brown’s club melee. The story seems to still be evolving, but as it currently stands: Drake and Brown were both at “the club,” with their own crews, independently; Brown, cheekily, sent over a bottle of champagne; Drake returned the champagne with a note reading either “I’m still f—–g Rihanna,” their mutual ex, or “I’m f—–g the love of your life”; Brown got pissed, words were exchanged, shirts were removed, bottles went flying; and blood. Was. Shed. Seriously, check out this photo of this random Australian tourist caught in the middle. Pretty gnarly stuff! (I bet you $10,000 Drake sends her flowers.)

OK, but let’s get to the point here: did the Post and the Daily News — both famous for their irreverent, pun-based headlines — do the rich, manifold story justice?

The Daily News went with a fairly straightforward bit of punmanship:

R&Beef — Rihanna sex taunt sparks love-rival club carnage

One could argue all day whether it’s fair to lump Drake in as an R&B artist for the sake of a headline when he’s clearly a rapper first, but for the most part this works: It’s blunt, it’s quick, it rolls off the tongue. You get the feeling with a headline like “R&Beef” that it was the very first suggestion thrown out in the edit meeting, and then everyone spent 45 minutes shouting out other ones before ultimately going back to the safe option. You can’t be mad at it. You can’t be particularly inspired by it, either.

Meanwhile, the Post really stretched out its legs:

The face that launched a thousand bottles! — Chris Brown, Drake in wild club brawl over Rihanna

That is a reference to Helen of Troy of Greek mythology fame! Very high-brow! Very impressive. OK, the Post clearly wins this round. While we’re here though, maybe we can try and think up some tabloid-esque headlines of our own? I’ll go first. Let’s just rattle ’em off here now. No judgment, no judgment.

  • We Found a Bottle Fight in a Hopeless Place
  • Brown v. Board of Bottle Throwing
  • Stand Under My Umbrella — you know, because there were bottles flying everywhere, because of Rihanna?
  • Bottle Episode — it’s a reference to a semi-obscure TV trope, made semi-famous by Community. Not the strongest option, I know.
  • Meek Inherits Earth — this one would only work if Drake’s pal Meek Mill, who was on hand, was much more famous, and much more prominently involved in this situation. Like, if he had somehow been declared the victor, this one might have worked.
  • Christened — because they break a bottle on a ship to christen it? And because Chris Brown’s first name is Chris? And he got a bottle in the face?
  • Bizarre Love Triangle
  • No Love in the Club
  • Drake Smash
  • Brown Out
  • YO-No!

Make me a job offer, Post/Daily News. Make me an offer.

Filed Under: Beef, Chris Brown, Drake, Rihanna, Tabloids

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Amos Barshad has written for New York magazine, Spin, GQ, XXL, and the Arkansas Times. He is a staff writer for Grantland.

Archive @ AmosBarshad