Started From the Bottom, Now He’s the Rock … and Other Inspirational Tales From This Week’s Tabloids
The Rock Had a Tough Childhood: “Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson has a reputation for being the ultimate showman, playing badass tough guys in movies like G.I. Joe Retaliation and The Scorpion King, and winning over WWE wrestling fans with his charisma, sarcasm and million-dollar smile. But behind his confident facade, it turns out the 41-year-old actor has been hiding the truth about his heartbreaking past — one in which he’s had to overcome the pain of an alcoholic, unfaithful father and his run-in with the law.” I love The Rock so much. “Dewey had a really hard time as a child growing up because he never saw his dad,” according to Luan Crable, who had a “25-year-long romantic affair with Dwayne’s father, former pro wrestler Rocky Johnson.” Oh, my god, his father was a wrestler??? “Rocky was on the road 12 out of every 14 days” and “Dwayne must have worshipped his father, having followed Rocky into pro wrestling after a severe back injury ended his early football career.” Man, this is Shakespearean.
“Rocky was anything but a role model at home, according to Luan. When she first hooked up with Rocky in 1979 — after seeing him wrestle on TV and sending him fan mail — he lied and told her he was single, despite being married to Dwayne’s mother, Ata, at the time. Ata found out about Rocky’s ongoing extramarital relationship with Luan, and soon young Dwayne did too.” She says, “He was only 12 years old, and he called me, yelling, ‘Stay away from my dad, and leave my mother alone!’ Luan told him that “it was between adults and that he didn’t understand.” Sounds like he DID understand, Luan. “Rocky was a serial cheater,” Luan says. “It wasn’t until later I realized he had women in virtually every arena he wrestled.” Ata called Luan and “admitted she knew Rocky was seeing me and called me a ‘motel whore.’” Dwayne, acting out, stole Luan’s credit card from her purse “and went on a shopping spree, spending more than $3,000. He was probably trying to get back at me for my relationship with his father.”
Rocky was then “arrested and charged with the rape of a 19-year-old Tennessee girl,” which he still claims was “a setup” by rival wrestlers. After that, he was blacklisted from wrestling, “got really depressed,” and “started drinking.” Dwayne was 15 when he learned “about his father’s rape charges, and he was crushed.” Rocky was “drinking as much as a half gallon of vodka a day.” Dwayne, in college and wrestling, eventually mended fences with his father. His parents divorced, and Rocky quit drinking. He says his son is “my pride and joy.” I wish you nothing but happiness, Dwayne Johnson, America’s greatest movie star and friend.
Reese Witherspoon & Jim Toth Arrested for Drunk Behavior: “Reese is an angry drunk. She gets very nasty and uptight — not sweet at all.” The couple was arrested in Atlanta, “Reese for disorderly conduct and Jim for DUI. According to a state trooper’s report, Reese repeatedly disobeyed the officer’s requests to stay seated after her husband performed a field sobriety test because he was weaving in and out of traffic.” Yikes. “Reese was quoted as asking one of the arresting officers, ‘Do you know my name? You’re about to find out who I am.’” Meanwhile Ryan Phillippe “had to break the ordeal to the couple’s daughter, 13-year-old Ava. While walking through the Thompson Hotel in Beverly Hills, Ryan had his arm around Ava, who looked very concerned. He kept assuring her that Mommy was going to be all right. It was a very serious father-daughter talk.” Reese drinks to keep up with Toth. “At first Reese thought it was cute. But she soon realized it was a huge part of his life. He’d think nothing of downing three or four martinis over lunch.” I mean, he’s an agent. This is the best press Ryan Phillippe’s gotten … ever?
Charlie Sheen Wants to Save Amanda Bynes: “The phrase ‘Those who can’t, teach’ certainly seems to apply to Charlie Sheen, who has somehow reinvented himself as the patron saint to troubled starlets.” He loaned Lindsay Lohan cash to cover her taxes “and has now turned his efforts to saving Amanda Bynes.” He offered her a guest spot on Anger Management and “to be there for her if she ever needs a friend.” Too sad for jokes, sorry.
Liam Hemsworth Dating January Jones? “Liam, 23, is secretly dating January Jones!” Star claims that “Liam’s dalliance with January, 35, has turned into a full-blown relationship!” Get it treated! “Liam is at January’s house all the time. He brings her favorite wine, and they hook up. They have date nights in — they never go out, because they want to keep it a secret.” Hey, at least it’s a twist on the usual older man/younger woman tabloid narrative. “Although Miley [Cyrus], 20, is fully aware of Liam’s rendezvous with January, she is apparently refusing to break up with him; she’s praying it’s just a phase and that he’ll come to his senses.” She was spotted wearing her engagement ring again yesterday. Assuming there’s any truth to this story (which I wouldn’t), he could conceivably be lying to both women. Miley is “in denial. She is desperate to marry Liam and make the relationship work.” She also just made another statement about focusing purely on her music, so who knows. I think Miley is going to survive either way. “While the ‘Ashtrays and Heartbreaks’ singer may still be fantasizing about a wedding, Liam and January have developed strong feelings for each other. Liam is interested in seeing where the relationship with January can go. January is doing her best to keep Liam around.” Well then, Betty Draper, be sure not to dye your hair brown.
Armie Hammer & Elizabeth Chambers & Johnny Depp: “Armie Hammer may want to rethink the friends in his Social Network — because his wife, Elizabeth Chambers, has major issues with the bromance between him and Lone Ranger costar Johnny Depp! After hearing rumors about Johnny’s alleged affair with Amber Heard, Elizabeth, 30, is worried sick that 26-year-old Armie will do the same. Friends say the Mirror Mirror star’s wife is so on edge that she’s even refusing to leave his side.” I’m more troubled by those comments Hammer just made about how Native Americans “love” Disney’s upcoming The Lone Ranger, which updates the racist classic with white dude Johnny as Tonto (seriously). “Johnny is a bad influence, and she thinks the only way to stop Armie from straying is to be by his side nonstop. She had a panic attack. It’s really taken a toll on their marriage.”
SELENA & JUSTIN 4EVAAA: “Since releasing her new hit song ‘Come & Get It,’ Selena Gomez is taking her own advice.” Gomez was spotted in Norway reuniting with Justin Bieber. He was in Oslo on his world tour. “They have a crazy connection.” On Instagram, Justin “uploaded a photo of him getting cozy with her on April 20, only to delete it soon after. Ah, young love!”
Worst Beach Bodies: On Star’s list? Anjelica Huston. Oh, cool, body-shaming a 61-year-old Oscar-winning actress whose husband passed away fairly recently for not having a flat stomach with six-pack abs. THAT IS NOT AT ALL REASONABLE I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT THE WORLD ANJELICA HUSTON IS PERFECT.
Misc./Etc.: “CNN host Piers Morgan has devolved into a tantrum-throwing nightmare” “Halle Berry and Jennifer Lopez were broke and homeless” “should make for some very glamorous bake sales!” “You have never seen a grown man act so threatened and territorial.” “too much partying!” “checking out the I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter! lounge” “Bongo Man” “in a dress like that, who’s looking at her lips?” “the younger tot was catching a little too much air!” “it’s her show and she’ll grope who she wants to!” “put breakup rumors to rest” “(and SpongeBob)” “one doggie has a substance abuse problem and will dig into any purse containing cigarettes and eat them” “JEN TRIES CUPPING!” “played jumprope with seaweed” “a relentless gym rat” “BUFF BROS” “shots of the chiseled mimbo.”
Justin Bieber Art School: “Is Bieber secretly using Instagram to school his followers in the fine arts?” The evidence? Justin with floofy hair and the caption “I look like a peacock” is compared to “Andy Warhol’s 1986 selfie!” and Bieber and pet [monkey] Mally mimicked Jeff Koons’ 1988 porcelain statue Michael Jackson and Bubbles.” There’s also Bieber as Michelangelo’s David, and a Picasso nude.
Things You Don’t Know About Kerry Washington (Excerpted)
- “I am obsessed with pineapple.”
- “My grandparents’ names are on the memorial wall at Ellis Island.”
- “I have had a Tina Turner impression that I’m very proud of since the age of 9.”
- “I went to the same Bronx Boys & Girls Club as Jennifer Lopez.”
- “I’m a huge Game of Thrones fan.”
- “I’m named after Ireland’s county Kerry.”
- “The first musical that I truly fell in love with was Into the Woods.”
- “I love take-offs on planes.”
- “I do not drink coffee.”
Robert Downey Jr. Is Waiting for His Oscar: “I’m probably one of the best … I’m getting one.” Also, “If you don’t want to get caught cheating, don’t cheat.”
Kanye West: “My greatest pain in life is that I’ll never be able to see myself perform live.”
Seth Rogen on Zac Efron’s Hot Body: “He literally has the best body I’ve ever seen. I couldn’t keep eye contact with him ’cause I kept just, like, reaching out and touching his body like I was seeing some magical mirage.”
Jennifer Aniston on Justin Theroux: “He’s constantly hiding behind drapes. And I’m constantly scared. It’s like it doesn’t get old on me.”
Kid Rock: “On the road, you have a lot of days off. We hit up every strip club when we were very young. That gets old.” His new hobby for his days off? ANTIQUING. Oh, my lord, Kid Rock, you should date Taylor Swift! She loves antiquing!!!
Bradley Cooper’s Mom Lives With Him: “It’s not without complications. It’s not like I live in a compound and she’s in the guesthouse. No. She’s in the next room.”
Leonardo DiCaprio: Leo told Esquire he was an “underdog,” and “that always propelled me.” He said “I didn’t have nice clothes … my hair didn’t look good.” YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH YOUR HAIR WAS PERFECT.
Misc./Etc.: “He’s old” “I gravitate towards black!” “The wedding is not happening” “A guy doesn’t always have to do it” “HARRISON FORD showed JIM BELUSHI some shots at a flag football game” “He wanted to knock me up from our first date!” “her piercing blue eyes — they were piercing through my soul” “I’m not tall, dark, and handsome” “Dugout VIPs!” “He makes me feel alive” “SPIKE LEE (left) chatted up JACK NICHOLSON” “No drudgery here!” “She calls herself his groupie.”
Average Age of Actors on Glee: 26.
Gone But Not Forgotten: “Angelina Jolie, 37, just can’t escape her wild-child past. A never-before seen topless photo of the mom of six when she was 25 — getting nuzzled by a horse! — will be auctioned off at Christie’s in London on May 15.”
Mark Wahlberg’s Advice for Justin Bieber: “I think it’s best to put down the phone and Twitter … be a little more low-key … Less is more. Go take a vacation.”
Kim Kardashian: “I’ll Never Be Sexy Again” “Kim sobs: Even my armpits are fat!”
Gwyneth Paltrow: “I Have Better Abs Than Madonna” “The Iron Man actress, 40, is fanning the flames of her reported feud with her former friend Madonna, boasting that she has ‘far superior’ abs to the super-fit Queen of Pop, who’s 54. Why rub it in? “Let’s face it,” she joked to Self, saying she might “Polaroid my abs and text them to her.” YOU MEAN INSTAGRAM, YOU GLUTEN-FREE NUTBAR.
Ian Ziering Joins Chippendales: Magic Steve Sanders! “The former 90210 star, 49, has clearly been prepping for his upcoming stint as a Chippendales dancer.” Ziering says “joining the male dance revue is a dream come true.” He wants love. “I know there’s a girl out there for me, I just have to find her.” What did he wear to bed last night? “Sweatpants.” The last person he kissed? “My mom.” JYEAHHHH!!!
Ryan Lochte: “I’m a free spirit. I speak my mind. I’m financially stable. Girls throw themselves at me — in every guy’s mind, I’m living the perfect life.”
Psy: “Who are you calling a one-hit wonder? The ‘Gangnam Style’ singer’s video for the new song ‘Gentleman’ garnered a record-setting 20 million-plus online views in 24 hours.”
Misc./Etc.: “LOUIE’S EMOTIONAL FINAL DIVE” “ill-fitting leather leggings” “rocks jewel-encrusted nipples” “Channing Tatum, 32, gets into the groove — and keeps his clothes on this time!” “Show me the money!” “avoids a repeat performance of her infamous upskirt” “I eat a little ice cream” “Spending can be an escape. People use it to build themselves up when they are feeling down. It’s a temporary high.” “Golden Girl Really A Drunken Diva?” “She doesn’t like it when she doesn’t get her way.” “trapped on the marriage fast track.”
Kimye: “If Kanye West gets his way, his baby with Kim Kardashian will grow up eating croissants and saying ‘papa’ and ‘maman.’ That’s because the rapper is insisting on making Paris his home base with Kim and the baby. Kanye has his heart set on it. And when Kanye wants something Kanye gets it, period. He’s obsessed with moving to Paris. Kim’s family is, as expected, opposed to the move — especially her mother Kris Jenner. Kris is adamant that it’s a terrible idea. She’s worried. Yet Kim loves her man and the idea of moving to romantic Paris has its appeal: It’s the headquarters of the fashion industry, after all. So she has tentatively agreed, with one condition. She’ll only move after the baby is born in July.” Minus the baby, isn’t this the plot of the last season of Sex & The City? It is.
Misc./Etc.: “HE LIKES A GOOD CUDDLE” “sporting some unusual headwear — a monkey named Mar-Mar” “by freezing her eggs” “Looking great in tight leather pants and a snappy red fedora” “CRAZY GIRLS” “He claims that he helped shape her singing style” “claiming she was injured and humiliated” “topless but tasteful” “I couldn’t be in a relationship without equality, generosity, integrity, spirit, kindness, and humor, and awesomeness” “a bit of a hippie at heart” “J. LO’S BOOTY’S BACK” “She knows she’s not 23 anymore, but she feels just as sexy and confident.”