ScarJo’s Russian Rampage … and Other Horror Stories From This Week’s Tabloids

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Star

Scarlett Johansson Is Depressed: “She was totally out of control in Moscow recently” at a champagne brand’s promo event. “She was drinking nonstop and barely slept. It was obvious that she was trying to numb her feelings.” She’s sad about her breakup with ad exec Nate Naylor. “She’s not used to going home alone — it’s a shock to her system. The fact that Ryan Reynolds is happily married while she’s single again has done a number on her. And the drinking is taking its toll — she’s been crying because she feels so fat.” She got a lucky horseshoe tattooed on her ribcage “because she’s feeling a bit unlucky.” A rebound with ex-boyfriend Jared Leto quickly went south. “She thought a fling with Jared would make her feel better, but since it was only a hookup, it only made things worse.” Time for Lost in Translation 2? I know I’d pay good money to watch Scarlett be sad in Russia.

Did Christina Aguilera Get Butt Implants? Signs point toward yes. At the AMAs she “showed off a new, bizarrely perky bubble butt à la Kim Kardashian,” prompting rumors that she may have pulled a Kim and gotten ass shots. Skeptics claim she was just “sporting foam or silicone butt pads under her dress.” That’s why her bustle is so big. It’s full of secrets.

Stars Without Makeup:

Katie Holmes: “She’s more of a Holme-run than Holmely!”
Emma Stone: “Channeling Kurt Cobain!”
Miley Cyrus: “Miley looks just like any other pierced, defiant, punk-rock youth”
Rihanna: “In desperate need of a nap!”
Kirstie Alley: “Mom-esque appearance”
Julianne Moore: “Redheads can sometimes look washed out with a little mascara”
Kim Kardashian: “Blemished skin and puffy eyes”
Geri Halliwell: “The oldest of the Spice Girls, Geri spent years lying about her age before Victoria Beckham outed her for being over 30.”
Reese Witherspoon: “Like a typical mom of three”
Adele: “Virtually unrecognizable”

Zoe Saldana: “Her boyfriend Bradley Cooper just ended his reign as Sexiest Man Alive, but that doesn’t give Zoe license to let herself go!” This article made me so mad I don’t know what to do with it. Oh well, I guess it’s your problem now too!

Taylor Swift & Harry Styles: “Fresh off her split from summer love Conor Kennedy, Taylor, 22, has rekindled her relationship with commitment-phobe One Direction heartthrob Harry Styles — but has no idea that she’s already creeped him out with her talk of weddings and kids!” Taylor is going to have sooooo many husbands. After Swift and Styles bonded on the set of The X Factor, Swift fell hard, prompting Styles to take a step back. “While he sees this as just another fun fling, Taylor is gushing to pals that the British playboy is the one.” Stop dating teenagers, Taylor! And famous guys! Maybe just stop dating for a few months!

“She’s obsessed with Harry. She’s planning a romantic Christmas vacation, just the two of them. She’s gone off the rails.” One Direction fans have been sending Swift death threats, and Harry is already plotting his escape. “Harry’s panicking over Taylor’s clingy behavior and is looking for an exit strategy to avoid becoming fodder for her next hit song.” TOO LATE!

Trouble in Paradise for Ellen & Portia? “Insiders claim that Ellen keeps her wife on a very short leash. Ellen fears that her younger, more beautiful spouse will leave her if she gives her a second to get close to anyone else. Ellen is so paranoid, she tries to dictate every move Portia makes. And Portia has gotten into the habit of just doing whatever she says.” I refuse to believe this. They seem very content to be codependent.

What Are 30 Rock Stars Stealing From the Set?

Tracy Morgan: “There’s only one thing that I’m taking when I leave the show, and that’s my TJ chain. I worked on the show for seven seasons — it’s mine! One day, it’ll go in the Smithsonian.”
Jack McBrayer: “It will probably be the page uniform — who else would want that polyester thing? The white-trash museum?”
Grizz Chapman: “I have my eye on a pair of Jordans in Tracy Jordan’s room, and I want those sneakers bad.”

Misc/Etc: “CUDDLE FEST!” “bathing blue-ty” “did the hokey pokey on the beach in Malibu” “gave Taylor Swift a piggyback ride” “an on-stage groping” “kill the frown” “looking aghast at a fried potato kabob” “glasses make celebs look smart and sexy” “the Mad Men star ponders the meaning of life” “explain the theory of relativity” “no pumpkin pie for you!” “gets along better with edgy women” “When she falls in love, all common sense disappears” “her mother’s plus one to nightclubs and parties” “It was sad. She seems so sweet in her movies.” “Friends are warning her to pump the brakes on her whirlwind romance” “Is Kanye dressing Kim to look fat?” “Happily engaged forever?” “A separate entrance to the cave” “the paperless marriage” “the teenager the world watched grow up” “Gone are their days of making out on the beach in Hawaii, not caring who’s watching” “the sweet girl who is mistreated by the remorseless ladies’ man” “they may have a superior job, but we are all equal”

Us Weekly


Animal Deaths on The Hobbit: “All is not well in the shire! Four livestock wranglers have come forward claiming that 27 animals — including sheep, goats, chickens, and a miniature horse named Rainbow — died during production of The Hobbit.” NOOOOOOOOOO, RAINBOW! This is seriously fucking horrible and disgusting. “The on-set handlers say the New Zealand farm that housed the critters was a ‘death trap’ with its bluffs, sinkholes, and broken fences.” Peter Jackson “has refuted the cruelty claims” but it sure doesn’t look good. No movie is worth that.

Jessica Simpson Pregnant Again: “Yes, Jessica is pregnant again.” Did she get knocked up so she could eat again and stop torturing herself for Weight Watchers? Or to take public focus off her parents’ divorce and dad’s weird public midlife crisis? I wouldn’t really blame her either way. “She is really overjoyed.”

Jennifer Lawrence: “I started craning my neck. And then I saw a little girl. I was like, ‘There’s Honey Boo Boo,’ and I rear-ended the person in front of me. I was like, ‘I’m sorry I hit your family. I thought I saw Honey Boo Boo.'” It could happen to any of us.

Chris Tucker on Bradley Cooper: “He’s a little John Travolta. He’s good!” Careful there, Chris Tucker; you might have inadvertently revealed something secret.

Pickup Lines for Ladies to Try, From New Girl‘s Men:

Max Greenfield (Schmidt): “Guys are easy. A ‘hello’ and ‘What’s your name?’ will get any man.”
Jake Johnson (Nick): “First, show up looking good. Have a nice line, but not too written. When a lady says, ‘Can I get you a drink?’ it’s awesome.”
Lamorne Morris (Winston): “Guys don’t have time for games. Walk up and say, ‘Wassup? I think you’re great. Let’s go do something.’ I’m not playing!”

Jessica Biel Loves Constricting ’50s Undergarments: “I mean, the underwear that we wear now is just, ugh, boring, who cares? Let’s wear that stuff again!” Ha-ha, have fun wearing ’50s underwear and being married to Justin Timberlake.

What’s in Fran Drescher’s Purse? “I carry a variety of over-the-counter and prescription drugs. For me and anyone else in need!” Perfect. “I have a couple of condoms in my bag, in case I get lucky!” Also perfect. Also in her bag: toothpicks, glasses, pepper spray, and a Bumpit. Thank you, Flushing, Queens-based goddess.

Psy: “I don’t Gangnam at 7 a.m.!” Nor should you, Psy.

Misc/Etc: “KOOKY TO CLASSY” “People still think I’m that 16 year old little shit” “I’m double-jointed everywhere” “I don’t have many female friends in Los Angeles.” “a faux beau” “the future yachtsman, 2″ “these celebrities dabble in different gender roles” “They’ll be together forever” “The pair, who met through LMFAO’s Redfoo” “She fits his mold: young, blonde, and pretty” “Things that were once mundane are full of wonder. My mind is now open.” “He’s a true partner. He encourages me to be fully myself.” “I’ve found the love of my life!” “She’ll always be over-the-top aggressive!” “pick up the gold in red hair” “a ragtag bunch of coworkers from her dull office job” “teaches her how to kill off her father” “It’s also a kick to see the famously steely Anna Wintour gripe about the grunge era” “a Highland dominatrix”

In Touch


Halle Berry’s Ex And Boyfriend Fight on Thanksgiving: “A horrified Halle Berry grabbed her 4-year-old daughter, Nahla, and rushed her inside as a bloody fight broke out in the driveway of her LA home on Thanksgiving morning.” Halle’s ex, Nahla’s father Gabriel Aubry, got in an altercation with Berry’s boyfriend Olivier Martinez. The fight was allegedly over the “long-running custody battle that saw Halle seek to move to France with her fiance and cut Gabriel out of Nahla’s life.” Aubry objected. “Gabriel thinks Halle is out to ruin his life. There’s a ton of bitterness, but it all could have been handled so much better. It’s hurting Nahla.”

Sean Penn & Florence Welch: “Hollywood bad boy Sean Penn is reportedly wooing ethereal British singer Florence Welch.” RUN, FLORENCE, RUN!

John Mayer Meets Katy Perry’s Parents: Perry took Mayer to her hometown of Santa Barbara. “He’s met her family.” While friends worry that she is making a huge mistake falling for the “infamously indiscreet ladies’ man,” Perry is fully convinced that “she can make him husband material.” Somewhere, Taylor Swift and Jennifer Aniston are both rolling their eyes and drinking white wine (ideally together). “Katy isn’t wasting any time with this new relationship.” She’s brought “the Hollywood heartbreaker, 35, into every aspect of her life. He’s stayed at her house, he’s driven her car, and he’s helped her with her music. They started dating only in September, but they’re so serious that they’re already acting like a married couple.” Her homies are still totally dubious. “All of her friends feel like she went from bad to worse.” No way. Hats and all, Mayer is still an upgrade from Russell Brand.

Backstreet Boys’ Advice to One Direction: “Pace yourself.”

Dolly Parton On …

Plastic Surgery: These days, I do very little — just fillers and Botox. You owe it to people not to look like a dog if you can help it!” You owe it to yourself to do whatever the hell you want, Dolly Parton. You are perfect!

… Dolly Slot Machines: “The players can listen to their favorite songs of mine! At the touch of a button, it changes songs. It’s really not for hard-core gamblers. It’s more like entertainment.”

… On Marriage: “You have to respect each other. The good thing about us is we’re not stuck in each other’s faces all the time. He’s not in show business. I’m interested in the things he does, he’s interested in the things I do, but they don’t clash and collide. We’re both good on our own, and we’re happy together too.”

… Goddaughter Miley Cyrus: “I love Miley to death, and people are mean about her all the time. She’s just trying to grow up and find her spot.”

… Guilty Pleasures: “Yes, but you don’t tell something that makes you feel guilty! It’s a secret!”

Misc/Etc: “Bill would love it!” “Wrestling-ready leotard and high-waisted acid-washed jeans” “10 bags of Flaming Hot Cheetos” “wearing sashes that said ‘boobs'” “The girl can hold a grudge” “some fresh fake blood” “this one takes the biscuit!” “complete with suckling babe!” “abs-solutely smokin’ 43-year-old star” “imitating his model mom” “I am so grateful for my new lil family!” “It’s something emotionally moving every thirty seconds!” “gives four sexy male models a thrill” “Helen Mirren cops a feel of Jessica Biel” “drinks like an Irishman” “It was a drunken mistake. Don’t know how I thought it was cool.” “shaved his head, got a tattoo, and hit the party scene hard” “I have tattoos and I mess around.” “he has an infamous weakness for cougars” “a naked photo circulated” “everyone in the industry” “He’s flaunting his sexuality with other girls while she’s having health issues.” “I’m sure he was advised to keep a low profile.”

OK!

Jessica Biel Gushes About Her Honeymoon to Scarlett J: “It was like magic. It was like heaven. It was the most beautiful thing.” Uh, does Jessica know Scarlett and Justin had a thing? And probably also did the most beautiful thing?

Nicole Kidman on Tom Cruise: “I would have gone to the ends of the earth for him. I was so impulsive and naive. We were in a bubble, just the two of us.” Wouldn’t you love to know the real story, though?

Kat Von D & Deadmau5: The couple got back together! LOVE IS REAL!

Misc/Etc: “Her topknot bun is on trend” “sporting a suspicious looking bump” “A big giveaway is her abs” “before her biological clock runs out” “You better do a good job. People are paying a lot of money.” “put on his best outraged face” “lingerie-model mom” “I’m just not one of those girls that’s had the kind of fantasy wedding thing” “IT’S BENAPHINA!” “Adam Scott was spotted reading OK! at Gelson’s supermarket” “brilliant and exquisitely tasteful” “showed off her svelter shape” “a jiggly little bundle of joy” “a romantic self-guided tour” “Kim Kardashian and Kanye West plan for two babies” “Nothing says coupledom like shopping for groceries together”

Filed Under: 30 Rock, Adele, Bradley Cooper, Christina Aguilera, Emma Stone, Halle Berry, Jennifer Lawrence, Jessica Biel, Jessica Simpson, John Mayer, Kanye West, Katie Holmes, Katy Perry, Kim Kardashian, Kirstie Alley, Miley Cyrus, Molly's Magazines, New Girl, Nicole Kidman, Ok!, One Direction, Psy, Reese Witherspoon, Rihanna, Ryan Reynolds, Scarlett Johansson, Sean Penn, Star, Tabloids, Taylor Swift, The Hobbit, Tom Cruise, Tracy Morgan, Us Weekly, Zoe Saldana

Photo on 2014-01-10 at 12.58 #3

Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

Archive @ mollylambert