Sandra Bullock Is Apparently Boning Brett Ratner (Eeew) … and Other Horror Stories From This Week’s Tabloids

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Sandra Bullock and Brett Ratner: “Sad for so long,” Bullock was “miserable” after her marriage to Jesse James fell apart with a cheating scandal and Ryan Reynolds rebuked her advances in favor of the younger and blonder Blake Lively. But “cuddling with a new male companion at an after-hours party on Oscar night, Sandra Bullock looked happier than she’s been in nearly two years.” Friends were stoked until they “realized who her mystery man was: Hollywood’s sleaziest bad boy, Brett Ratner.” Sandra’s rep issued an immediate denial, but eyewitnesses say she was “hanging out a lot” with 42-year-old Ratner, “who has crudely bragged about sleeping with a slew of starlets and resigned from his latest job producing the Academy Awards after using an anti-gay slur.” Maybe Sandy likes bad boys, but “Brett is a real player. He always talks about meeting girls and partying.” Could be he’s all talk and shrimp juice, if you listened to what Olivia Munn had to say about their brief casting couch encounter. “She wanted somebody her age or older — a tough guy who could handle her lifestyle, but with enough dating experience that he wouldn’t want to cheat on her like Jesse did.” She spent Oscar week flirting with Ratner and fellow “notorious player Gerard Butler.” She’s serious about settling down, and “her need to be in a relationship has trumped” her good judgment, although “she isn’t looking for a fling. She is looking for a man to grow old with, who can help her raise Louis — a nice, decent guy.”

And when you think nice and decent, you think Ratner, who “recently bragged on The Howard Stern Show that he wraps it up because, “If I breathe on a girl she can get pregnant.” With baby shrimps? “The pot-bellied player brags that as a lover, he’s the best in the world.” It seems more like an unreasonably small dating pool for women in Hollywood that has allowed him to date Lindsay Lohan, Rebecca Gayheart, Serena Williams, Paris Hilton, and Courtney Love. Or maybe it’s low self-esteem corroborated by an insanely sexist looks-based industry. Or really good expensive drugs. “The insecure star is simply happy that someone finds her attractive.” Even if he is a man who lives in a home called The Rat Mansion with a club in the basement. God, this made me feel sad and also laugh a lot, like a Brett Ratner movie will never, ever do.

Advice From a Semi-Professional Ryan Gosling Look-alike: “‘Poke your jaw out,’ he tells guys with ‘effeminate jaws.'”

Misc/Etc: “I’m definitely having more sex than the average man!” “I feel like an attractive skinny white woman!” “I’ve had all the fun I’m going to have!” “crazy hair, tarantula eyelashes, rosy clown cheeks” “suffering from estrogen overload” “her eye sockets looked a bit hollowed out” “She won’t read scripts if the character is 40″ “a nightmare he alone created” “making a point of being seen out with other girls” “a run-down apartment complex near the Scientology center” “seven bowls of ice cream” “She treats him badly in front of her famous friends” “It will be farm-themed with lots of pigs” “lots and lots of meatball eating” “I’m excited to be seen as sexy, but not slutty” “people who used to ignore me are now kissing my ass” “you’re electrocuted!” “the standard of beauty is kind of ridiculous in Los Angeles”

Star

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett: AIRHORN!!!!!!! Star magazine is spilling hot tea all over everything. “The man who came between” Will and Jada is Duane Martin, a.k.a. Willie from White Men Can’t Jump. “Will was joined at the hip with his main man” as they partied their way through Trinidad and Miami. Will and Jada are “living separate lives” and “can barely remember the last time they were intimate.” Smith and Martin “looked very close” at a fancy dinner in Port of Spain. They were joined by singer Machel Montano and Alfonso Ribeiro (CARLTON!), but “it was clear Will and Duane both arrived and left together.” Duane has been married to Tisha Campbell (GINA!) since 1996. “Will and Duane’s closer-than-close relationship has raised eyebrows in the past, with some even speculating the two are lovers.” Who would speculate such a thing?! Smith once bought Martin a Bentley as a birthday present, and cast him as the lead in the sitcom All of Us, which he executive-produced. Duane responds, “I’m not going to defend myself against a gay rumor.” Jada is focusing on making the kids into celebrities, which will obviously work out great for everyone’s mental health. Willow, 11, has been acting out, shaving and dyeing her hair, posing on a stripper pole in Las Vegas, and hanging out with Odd Future’s Tyler. Thirteen-year-old Jaden has been posting cryptic emo tweets like “My Only Dream Was To Be Cool With You Guys.” While Will and Jada continue to put up a public facade of being together, “it’s becoming clear that Will is going to have to decide between his marriage with Jada and his bromance with Duane — soon.”

J.Lo and Casper Smart: “Kauai is where Jen and Casper said ‘I love you’ to each other for the first time and she wants to go back for an intimate beach wedding.” Jen is set on the idea, since she “thinks life is short and doesn’t believe in wasting time.” Her friends are not so down, since they “are also concerned that Casper is just using her for her money and the fame.” She’ll also be working on the CBS lot soon near William Levy — a.k.a. “the Cuban Brad Pitt” — who costarred in Lopez’s video for “I’m Into You” last spring. “Don’t think for a minute Jennifer isn’t aware that William will be in the same studios. They had massive sexual chemistry when they worked together and he’s a thousand times hotter than Casper. If I was J. Lo’s boyfriend, I’d definitely be concerned about how often she and William could cross paths.” Jen is stubborn as the day is long and “determined to live her life the way she wants — and that includes making Casper her husband.”

Teen Mom Jenelle Back on Drugs: “In early November [former boss and love interest] James Duffy watched as Jenelle dropped an Ecstasy pill and then sat down to watch herself on an episode of Teen Mom 2.” Another night she “was drunk and taking shots of E&J brandy,” then “around 2 or 3 a.m. she snorted something.” She also copped to taking uppers with ex Kieffer Delp. (What a name!) “When they got ‘down’ they would snort Adderall ‘to pick them up.’ Jenelle did so much Adderall that her heart was pounding really hard, causing her to freak out.” During one binge, “Jenelle became so panicked, she believed the Illuminati were ‘coming to get her.’ But later on that night, she took a Xanax and calmed down.” James has “also seen her snort crushed-up painkillers. After a Jenelle visit, I would find powdery residue on the end tables in my bedroom.” MAYBE IT’S JUST BABY POWDER FOR HER BABY. While Jenelle refutes Duffy’s claims and has been passing her mandatory drug tests, “he has filed charges against her for cyberstalking and harassment in response to her claim that he poisoned her.”

Justin Bieber (via Twitter): “dear cougars. i see the jokes. im legal. hahaha.”

Misc/Etc: “clear-eyed and sober but puffy-faced” “I’m trying to be much more of a wife” “tiaras, glitter glue and tutus” “sweet schoolgirl style” “precious buttons” “you can’t always trust what celebrities say” “he should be focusing on his career, but he thinks about her all the time” “just a dumb surfer and a pothead” “she’s very insecure about him being around other women” “they all looked great naked, they were young” “He had a problem with fidelity” “it’s called repetition compulsion” “memories of springtime with her grandmother” “hydration squelches” “very secluded, very haunted” “a ridiculously naive endeavor” “butt-kicking hard-charger” “a warm gooey fruit tart” “satisfy that jolly personality” “as long as it’s creamy” “Bubba exposed her to porn” “high-end pajama party”

Us Weekly

Snooki Is Pregnant: “Though ‘maternal’ is not a word most would associate with the reality star — after all, she once bragged about passing out drunk in a garbage can — she insists she is ready to trade partying for Pampers.” She says, “I have different priorities now.” Boyfriend Jionni adds, “We are not going to screw this up.” When asked, 19 percent of poll respondents agreed Snooki will make a good mom. According to the parents-to-be, “House music will accompany her delivery” but she will avoid the boardwalk: “I don’t want to be one of those moms who’s pregnant in a club.” As for baby names? “I want something Italian and normal. Not like Blanket. Or Lamp.” Anything else, Snooki? “I had a dream I was in labor and my mom induced me with a shot in my shoulder. My old principal was my doctor. You know when you hold in a fart and it hurts? In my dream they were contractions.” Closing statements on a future wedding fit for Kenny Powers:

    Jionni: A Disney wedding!
    Snooki: No, I want it in my church, but with a reception in Jersey somewhere. I want bombs going off at the reception — fireworks, pyro.
    Jionni: Like WrestleMania!

Demi Moore: She’s out of rehab after a post-treatment trip to Turks and Caicos, but she’s “still obsessing over her estranged hubby. After Ashton Kutcher was spotted at a party in L.A. February 25, Moore demanded details about his date, screenwriter Lorene Scafaria, 33.” A source says, “She had a friend ask a party guest, ‘Was he with that girl Lorene?’ She was asking about it like we were in middle school.”

Four Ladies and Their Much Older Men in Perspective:

    1. “When 90210 started in 1990, Megan Fox was 4.”
    2. “Katie Holmes was a 5-year-old girl in Ohio when Tom Cruise, then 21, danced in his underwear in Risky Business.”
    3. “Angelina Jolie, now 36, couldn’t legally buy a beer when her partner Brad Pitt drunkenly romped with (and robbed!) Geena Davis in Thelma and Louise.”
    4. “In 1985 George Clooney, 50, joined The Facts of Life and launched his career. The same year, gal pal Stacy Keibler, 32, celebrated a milestone too: entering first grade!”

Excerpted From “25 Things You Don’t Know About Jeremy Sisto”:

    4. “I wore a Santa hat for a whole year in high school.”
    6. “I’m still mad at my seventh-grade baseball coach for benching me a whole season.”
    7. “When I can’t remember my lines, I start sweating profusely.”
    9. “I slept in a phone booth in Europe when I was 19.”
    15. “My wife was voted ‘Girl You’d Most Like To Have Sex With’ in her LA high school. I don’t want to raise my kids in LA.”
    16. “Once during Six Feet Under, the crew couldn’t find me because I was at a blackjack table.”
    18. “I started a porch-swing company. It’s defunct.”
    21. “I’m tired from my twenties.”

Taylor Swift: “I drink so much water, my friends call me an alien!”

Misc/Etc: “evanescent silhouette” “He likes baseball and all that stuff!” “Justin Bieber is legal — and loved!” “Cuter without cat eyes?” “argue over text so other people aren’t embarrassed!” “‘regular’ is code word for ‘fat’ in Hollywood” “Prince Harry’s Creole street boogie” “blue Gucci diaper bag” “I’m perpetually turned on” “Oh that’s nice, they’re going to ruin another great book” “she will be pretty, popular, and wear animal prints!” “Natural birth? Eff that!” “I was thinking he could at least send carnations.” “Has Lindsay Lohan had face-replacement surgery?” “comfortable hunting deer” “the pair’s Facebook friendship turned romantic” “towers of raw shellfish” “1976 disco classic” “getting the DNA facial”

OK!

Kim K. Adopting: “Kim’s had enough of boys — she married one. She wants a baby girl.” No, she’s not gay now. That would be too awesome. Think how much publicity she and Amber Rose could generate as a couple! Anyway, dreams. “It’s all top secret but the adoption is already underway. This time to think has cemented Kim’s certainty that she should take steps to adopt a baby by herself.” Four name suggestions from OK! “Koko Chanel, Kandy, Kween, or Karma.” Kandy Kardashian, the first baby to have a 4-D ultrasound sex tape. Kris wants Kim to “seek out a baby from the Republic of Armenia,” while “Kourtney thinks it’s a good idea in general but is worried it’s a knee-jerk reaction to the pain of her failed marriage.” Khloe is totally against. “She thinks Kim needs to focus on finding a husband first.” That doesn’t even sound like Khloe. Whatever. For Kim, “Haiti is at the top of her list, but she’s also drawn to China because of the sheer number of little girls up for adoption there.” Yeah, okay, sure. “Kim also realizes that the interest in her baby has potential to generate as much as $1 million. She’s a businesswoman, and she always thinks of ways to monetize her life. It’s what she’s been most successful at.” So basically, she will be Kris Jenner 2.0. Yikes. “She’s doing it because she doesn’t want to wait to be a mother, and she also won’t have to stop her career” of having sex with professional athletes and crying about it on TV “if she adopts. So just like the wedding, her heart is in the right place.” Kim, you have got to chill.

The OK! magazine Oscar Party: Just a lot of pictures, but man does this look like it was the jankiest shit ever.

Misc/Etc: “though labeled a tomboy, can’t wait to play dress-up” “she and the hunky actor no longer date” “real gold woven fabric” “many Mr. Wrongs” “their bedroom secrets” “defiantly dressed down, a mall rat look” “you guessed it — bras and panties” “the best accessory for any look is definitely a baby bump!” “google her, kids” “played with dolls and freshened their makeup” “You try something on and if you feel like a slut, you probably look like one” “three years ago, I fell in love with a one-pound pile of fur” “I’m not trashy unless I drink too much” “the surpassingly photogenic Suri” “when things heat up career-wise, so do things in the bedroom”” “excitable pup” “no milk? no bowl?” “Bring back my princess” “fun hair bling” “soft and whimsical” “a cupcake cheat” “obese, illiterate” “I’ve got a big hairy ol’ ass on me” “You like that you make people cry”

Filed Under: Academy Awards, Brett Ratner, Demi Moore, Jennifer Lopez, Kim Kardashian, Lindsay Lohan, Magazines, Molly's Magazines, Olivia Munn, Paris Hilton, Sandra Bullock, Snooki, Tabloids, Teen Mom, The Decline of American Civilization, Will Smith

Photo on 2014-01-10 at 12.58 #3

Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

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