Ryan Lochte Is an American Genius … and Other Observations From This Week’s Tabloids


Us Weekly

Diane Keaton: “Oh, I’d like to get married … What happened was nobody ever asked me.” La di da.

Things Ryan Lochte Says:

  • “One of my favorite movies is What Women Want, the Mel Gibson one. If I could read women’s minds, I’d be the king of the world.”
  • On his hero Abraham Lincoln: “What other president can rock a top hat? Seriously, he got some mad swag.”
  • “My philosophy: You gotta be a man at night, you gotta be a man in the morning.”
  • On his catchphrase JYEAH: “You have to really put the emphadence [sic] on that J. And then the a-h just kinda flows”
  • “I don’t even remember what I got at the Olympics.”

Shakira Goes Nashville? “I’m beginning to really like country music! The Voice is like a cultural exchange.”

Blake Lively: “My mom used Advil as blush once. She didn’t have blush, so she licked the Advil and took the pink off of it.”

Kate Hudson & Goldie Hawn Know How to Party: “Let’s just say we can throw down. We can hang with the boys.”

Emily Blunt’s High School Nickname: “It rhymes with a word that’s rather rude. That was what happened when I hit my teenage years.”

TEEN MOM MONSTERS: “After nearly 30 years as a porn producer, not much shocks Vivid Entertainment honcho Steve Hirsch. But when Teen Mom star Farrah Abraham, 21, came to his L.A. firm April 21 to discuss the sale of her hardcore sex tape, he was taken aback by the 4-year-old she had in tow.” Hirsch admits, “I was surprised Farrah brought her daughter Sophia. I am not comfortable with a child in my office during a sex tape negotiation.” Why not? Sophia has only got 14 years left until she can make her own sex tape and sell it! “Sophia ended up sitting alone in the lobby, coloring” as Abraham brokered the nearly million-dollar deal for her sex tape, Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom. Meanwhile, elsewhere fellow Teen Mom Jenelle Evans was “jailed for alleged heroin possession and assault.” Both girls are “thriving on the attention,” which they became accustomed to as MTV starlets. “Farrah wasn’t happy with her waning fame. She thought a sex tape would increase her fame, like it did for Kim Kardashian.” There’s a difference between fame and notoriety. “She doesn’t realize how out of touch with reality she really is.” The video, made with porn star James Deen, “contains backdoor scenes,” according to Hirsch.

Misc/Etc: “Let’s put on another pretty dress and be boring” “she’s owning it!” “I skipped kindergarten” “I like to call this look ‘no date for homecoming'” “I’m a dork for anything with a shamrock on it” “the most vulgar, look-at-me, attention-seeking dress” “I’ve tried repeatedly to be a blonde or a redhead” “She’s the ringleader of that circus” “I didn’t want to go with one of those Hollywood weird names” “The Obamas said they love Duck Dynasty!” “Bette Midler chatted with Glenn Close” “They fail to notice friends!” “dressed as a Confederate soldier” “Still the best man I know” “That’s why they kept breaking up” “she says her groupie days are over” “Greek gods of hotness” “She sampled cocaine” “if you’ll ever get your body back”


Star

Johnny Depp & Amber Heard: Holy shit, Star was correct! I thought this was fan fiction but then it came true! Hard news journalism is alive and well! “It’s true! Johnny Depp and Amber Heard finally revealed that they’re dating, enjoying a very romantic and public night out on April 27 when the stunning couple canoodled in front of hundreds at the Rolling Stones concert at the Echoplex in Los Angeles.” Did Amber Heard really dump her hot photographer girlfriend for a 50-year-old man who wears multiple necklaces? “They whispered a lot and laughed. He was obviously smitten, touching Amber affectionately and giving her soft kisses on her neck while they listened to the band. It was really sweet!” I guess this means he won’t be getting back together with Winona. Sigh. “In the summer of 2012, Johnny, 49, broke up with Vanessa Paradis after a 14-year relationship while Amber, 27, split from female photographer Tasya Van Ree.” Man, I blame The Rum Diary! “Johnny has been crazy about Amber for more than a year — but he was concerned about hurting his ex and his children, so he didn’t want any media attention.” I mean they will probably still be hurt, dog. “Amber, meanwhile, has been playing hard to get. She cozied up to other women, which made Johnny a wreck. Now they both seem open to taking the next step in their relationship as one of the hottest couples in Hollywood.” I don’t know about this. Depp is turning 50 this summer, and playing Tonto. Dude is begging for a big fall. Wait, is Johnny Depp a real-life Don Draper?

Tom Cruise Is Shrinking: “Tom Cruise has always been insecure about his 5’7″ stature — and word is, his recent press tour for Oblivion now has him really worried. Since seeing the photos from the red carpet with Olga Kurylenko, Tom is convinced that he’s lost a quarter of an inch. Tom could be right: Studies show that men over 40 shrink by a quarter-inch every decade.” Cast shorter actresses!

Ryan Reynolds Is Controlling Blake Lively: Is Ryan Reynolds a secret Tom Cruise? Ryan and Blake “are starting to feel the consequences of their quickie wedding — because, according to sources, Ryan’s major control issues are starting to show! After secretly tying the knot last September, Ryan, 36, has halted 25-year-old Blake’s work schedule, taken control of her wardrobe and constantly forces her to work out with him.” Leave Amityville now, Serena! “Ryan was very loving and sweet to Blake before they got married. But not long after they said their vows, his demeanor started to change. She’s concerned. She can’t keep living like this.” On set in her Black Widow costume, Scarlett Johansson chuckles to herself.

Katy Perry & John Mayer: “Forget the last word — Katy Perry is determined to have the last verse now that her romance with John Mayer is over.” How about the last pre-chorus? “According to friends, Katy, 28, is embarrassed that she didn’t listen to warnings about 35-year-old John’s womanizing ways that she’s pouring her heart out in a song called ‘Feel Like A Fool.'” Songwriting is “Katy’s form of therapy. She rips John a new one for making her think he wasn’t the dog everyone claimed he was. To avoid coming off like the next Taylor Swift, Katy is letting only her friends hear the tune, for now. But since the song has been getting such a positive response, pals say it’s only a matter of time before it’s released to the public.” DRAG HIM, HUNTY!

Kardashian Family Nanny Pam Behan Tells All:

  • “Kris definitely wanted fame for the children … She was the one who wanted it more than they wanted it.”
  • She found the kids “pleasant and reasonably well-behaved” except for 12-year-old Kourtney, “a serious child who always speaks her mind … She seems unhappy.”
  • Ten-year-old Kim was “stunning,” and “a bit on the quiet side” but “sweet and friendly.” Stop thinking about how hot Kim Kardashian was as a 10-year-old, pervs!
  • Kris is “tenacious and does not take ‘no’ for an answer.” Once when Pam forgot an item on the shopping list, Kris yelled “Where is the broccoli? I can’t fucking believe you fucking forgot the fucking broccoli!”
  • “Kris used to poke fun at Khloe and her weight issues. She was mean. She would say things like ‘You aren’t allowed to eat cookies, Khloe. You are getting a little chubby.’ It definitely left a scar on Khloe’s psyche.”
  • “The family’s spending habits also astonished Midwesterner Pam.” She recalls, “Khloe, Kourtney, and Kim all loved fashion, and Kris encouraged them to dress well. The girls spent thousands of dollars on clothes they would wear only once or twice before giving them away. Kris liked to flaunt how much money they had.”
  • “Despite their overflowing closets, Kourtney and Kim were regularly at each other’s throats.” They had “huge fights about clothes” all the time. “The girls were all so selfish and shallow — a family of fakes! They would have knock-down drag-out fights over designer clothes. By the end they would be crying and bleeding.” YIKES.
  • “The kids led such privileged lives,” she says, recalling the time “Kris and Bruce bought Kourtney a brand-new BMW for her 16th birthday.”
  • She tried to get the kids to do their own chores, but Kris would stop them and ask why they were cleaning when “That’s what Pam is for!”
  • “They are surrounded by wealth and affluence. The Hollywood scene and celebrities are a regular part of their lives. They’ve never known another way of living.”

Ryan Seacrest’s Gag Order: “A former gal pal of the American Idol host reveals that despite his squeaky clean image, Ryan, 38, has some unusual habits in the sack — so to avoid airing his dirty laundry, he coughs up the cash to keep his exes happy … and quiet.” He bought Julianne Hough a $3 million home “as a parting gift.” WHAT DO YOU THINK HIS UNUSUAL HABITS ARE, GO!

Jennifer Lawrence Cut Her Hair Because It Was So Fried: “Jennifer Lawrence surprised everyone by sporting a short new do at the GLAAD Media Awards on April 20, but sources say it was less of a style statement than a Hail Mary.” A friend says, “Jen chopped her hair off because it’s falling out of her head. She’s had so many chemical treatments and extensions that the only thing she could do to make her hair healthy again was to start over. How bad was she overdoing it? Following the Oscars, she went from blonde to black to brown in 24 hours.” And looked fierce in every one!

Gwyneth Paltrow, TV Host? “She thinks she can be a kind of New Age Ellen DeGeneres. She completely believes she has what it takes.” I’d watch.

How Many Shoes Does Celine Dion Own? Three thousand. You’re my angel, Celine.

Misc/Etc: “Cone Heads” “COOLSCULPTING” “to revitalize skin and purify the senses” “Russian Bovine placenta facials” “observed Mr. Lochte urinating between two vehicles” “he believes she has ballooned since the season two finale” “So perms are out?” “THE BATTLE FOR KATY PERRY” “Bunny fight!” “instead of sharing parenting tips, they avoid each other like the plague” “Baby Or Burger?” “she dared him to hold a tarantula” “a pop-up exhibit at Macy’s in Century City” “Zach Braff and model girlfriend Taylor Bagley kept things steamy, cuddling throughout the night” “a risqué wedding dress hemline” “Their matching straight black hair made Demi Moore and Cher look like sisters” “his own personal mirror holder” “The Backstreet Boys — who mark their 20th anniversary this year” “she’d get her breasts done every year if she could” “Why so miserable?” “Bacon Chops” “A porn star couldn’t get it up after working as hard as he does!” “barbecue style”


In Touch

Kimye In Trouble? Kim “looked miserable” on a Kardashian family vacation to Greece. “When she met up with her boyfriend Kanye West in NYC just days before her trip to Greece, she thought he had ‘checked out of their relationship.'” But remember when they were so happy? Wearing leather and eating ice cream cones? He “has absolutely no intention of walking down the aisle with her” now that her divorce to Kris Humphries has been finalized. “He only wants the baby.” So creepy! Kanye “is trying to figure out how he can dump Kim and have his baby with him in France.” Uh, kill her and do a really good job of not getting caught? “For Kim, the turn of events is utterly humiliating and ironic. Kanye, 35, pursued her for years, but she was always involved in an on-again, off-again romance with NFL star Reggie Bush, 28. When that relationship finally ended in 2010, Kim, 32, still pushed Kanye to the side as she dated a series of men.” Including Kris Humphries. Obviously being forced to wait made Kanye want her more than ever. Kim then finally fell for him. She thought he’d “give her street cred and make her even more famous. But once he finally got her, Kanye’s obsession with Kim evaporated.” He loved the chase, but not the slaughter. “Kanye — who’s living in Paris, 5,700 miles away from his baby mama — has only spent 27 days with Kim since she announced her pregnancy in December. Life with the object of his desire wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.” He hated the kamera krews. Kim “served a purpose for him. Kim used to be so desirable that every guy wanted to date her. But now he’s over it.” Kim is secretly miserable. “She always has to be in control of everything. Between gaining all the weight and having to deal with Kanye not being around, she’s really struggling.” Kim “created this house of cards with Kanye, and now it’s crumbling.”

Amanda Bynes Interview: In Touch asked the tough questions. She says the “worst thing she’s read” about herself lately is “that I’m mentally insane.” Bynes claims she has “no clue” why people are saying that. “Every time I’ve heard it, it came from an ugly person’s mouth, so I don’t care.” She “doesn’t drink” and is “allergic to alcohol.” She says “I don’t smoke pot. I smoke tobacco” in response to purported pictures of her smoking a joint in New York. She shaved her head after a bad dye job. “I had to shave my head. It’s so annoying to have no hair at 27. I have extensions that I love, but I miss my own hair.” Bynes “often stays up all night and tweets around the clock.” She says “I only have hot friends. They have my back until I die.” She got the facial piercings because “I wanted to look like [exotic dancer] Blac Chyna.” That’s where I’d seen that look before! She is starting a clothing line because she “loves how Justin Bieber dresses.” It will be “a mixture of sick styles and it’s going to be for everybody.” She has retired from acting, and is focusing on singing. She “can’t wait to start working on an album.” She’s working out because she’s “getting in shape for all of the photo shoots.” She’s concerned about her weight, and says “I like being 100 pounds … 21 to go!” They ask who her dream guy is, and she says “My favorite kind of man is good-looking and smart.” No reference to pussy murdering. In five years she see herself “happily married!”

Gwyneth Paltrow: The GOOPster is “under fire for hawking a line of revealing bikinis for young girls on her lifestyle site.” Gwyneth retorts, “two-piece bathing suits have been worn by young girls for decades” and that haters are ugly single bitches.

Rob Kardashian’s Weight Gain: “Every time I hop in the shower and see myself naked, I cry because my penis looks so small now.”

Jessica Alba’s Post-Pregnancy Weight-Loss Secret: “I wore a double corset day and night for three months.” For a film, right? No? Oh.

Jenny McCarthy: “After childbirth your boobs turn into pancakes!”

Jada Pinkett Smith: “Surfing is what we do together as a family for fun.”

Janice Dickinson’s Fiancé Rocky: “I met his son at a gay bar in LA and he set us up. Two weeks later I called Rocky ‘my boyfriend’ and he said, ‘I don’t like that word, let’s make it fiancé.’ and took out the ring. He’s the love of my life.”

Peter Dinklage’s Son: He named his son “Zelig.” That is all. Tyrion 4evaaa.

Mike Tyson’s Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Ate His Pet Pigeon: “She said ‘I don’t know why you’re flying those damn birds, you should be eating them.’ She happened to grab one and cook it and proceeded to eat it.”

Misc/Etc: “PONYTAILS ON BOYS” “It hurts so good!” “Not big enough for her ego, perhaps?” “Chanel’s supersize hula hoop purse” “Sarah Jessica Parker, 48, rocks a topknot that’s less than top-notch” “Pamela Anderson, 45, looks more like Carol Channing than Brigitte Bardot with this bouffant bob” “I call myself a ‘former fat person'” “She’s juggling jugs!” “his dance partner, Peta Murgatroyd” “ordered tube pasta smothered in parmesan cheese” “Bankruptcy won’t keep me from Botox!” “I especially don’t miss the coke or being hung over” “When I was younger I never felt as beautiful as I was” “I’m trying to keep my ass off the back of my kneecaps” “Some hairdresser picked me up and my boobs fell out” “I was eating myself to death.”


OK!

More Kimye Trouble: “Kanye didn’t even want to reunite with Kim in America. If he had his way, Kim would have flown to Paris or London.” She eventually did. “They bickered because Kim wanted answers. She wanted to know why he’s being so cold, staying away from L.A. and hiding behind the ‘work’ excuse in France. Kanye didn’t want to talk about it. But she kept pushing and eventually he snapped, telling her about his issues with the family.” WAY TOO COLD, YEEZY YEEZY.

Miranda Lambert on Blake Shelton: “Blake’s 90% good ol’ boy and 10% bad boy, which is a really great balance. I’m flattered that people think he’s attractive. It’s cool to be on his arm, like, ‘I’m with him, back up, ladies!'”

Angelina Jolie Won’t Eat: “She’s a control freak. She’d never admit it, but she is terrified about being in her 40s.” And Angie “is convinced she’s at her sexiest when she’s skinny.” She “equates being super thin with looking young.”

Christina Ricci Is Fabulous: “I don’t care that I’m 33, I still wear glitter!”

Christina Milian Loves Sushi: “I am obsessed with sushi. I love sushi. It’s healthy; it keeps me fit. If I’m working out, I go for sushi. I stay connected to sushi.” Sushi.

Farrah Abraham’s Porn Star Diet: Abraham insists that “all the girls she’s met in the porn world are super skinny and she wants to compete.” Stop giving her press! This is exactly what she wants! “She used to have great muscle tone but she lost a lot of it because her body is literally eating itself.”

Flavor Flav’s Dream Comes True: “I’m always buying OK! Magazine from the supermarket. Someday, I want to be in the magazine too.” BRING THE ‘BLOIDS!

Brandi Glanville & LeAnn Rimes Truce? Brandi says “I think that we both have come a long way. We just hosted a birthday party together and it was all good. I’m looking forward to the next chapter that has nothing to do with any kind of war or anything like that with Eddie and LeAnn.” That is mature? I’m kinda speechless.

Misc/Etc: “Soccer and underwear icon” “a band-aid baby” “BLAIR KID PROJECT” “They understand that Daddy works hard.” “it seems the 40-year-old single mom is recovering nicely” “ginger-tressed” “Smurffffffffffff breaaaaaaaaak” “Mark Wahlberg and Rebel Wilson cozied up” “Hoodie can’t hide my guns!” “especially if it’s Blake Shelton” “Miles is pure dog” “SECRET CRUSHES” “she’s a great kisser and she’s gorgeous” “Sooner or later we’re going to run into each other in the hallway and something’s going to be created” “How could I have a baby with a man who may cheat on me?” “We draw ourselves dirty pictures” “completion of her fairy tale” “has always been a bit of a loner and likes his space” “arguably the world’s prettiest bird” “We love a good California pony” “have to be cabana girls” “I’m designing leotards.”

Filed Under: Amanda Bynes, Blake Lively, Diane Keaton, Gwyneth Paltrow, Johnny Depp, Kanye West, Kim Kardashian, Molly's Magazines, Ryan Lochte, Ryan Reynolds, Teen Mom, Tom Cruise

Photo on 2014-01-10 at 12.58 #3

Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

Archive @ mollylambert