Robin Thicke is a Big D— … and Other Horror Stories From This Week's Tabloids
Robin Thicke Cheats on Paula Patton: Despite his constant boasts about his marriage to high school sweetheart Patton, Thicke is a dog. After a photo taken at NYC club 1 Oak went viral that shows Thicke palming a mystery blonde’s ass, the blonde has come forward. Her name is Lana Scolaro, and she says that Robin “whispered dirty things, like, ‘You don’t understand what I’m going to do to you.’” That sounds very American Psycho of you, Robin Thicke. “He’s a player. That’s for sure.” Well then why bother being married, ya dumbass? “Lana, 20, reveals that after Robin’s security guard snapped the telling photo, the ‘Blurred Lines’ singer whisked her away to a private afterparty at his suite at the Greenwich Hotel, where he kissed and groped her until she left at 8 a.m. even though his wife, actress Paula Patton, was there the whole time!” Maybe it’s an open marriage? “We hooked up,” says Lana. “Things got a bit out of control.” #blurredlines! “I came out and Robin was standing there. He turned out the lights so no one could see us and started making out with me. He was grabbing me and putting his hand on my bum. I kind of pushed him away, even though obviously I was like, ‘Wow, I’m hooking up with Robin Thicke!’” I KNOW YOU WANT IT. “They could have been caught at any moment.” Lana goes on, “We were against the wall in the hallway. It was so risky. I was like, ‘Whoa, you have a wife! What are you doing?’” Robin told her to relax. “He said he and his wife are very chill. He was like, ‘Be nice to her, she’ll love you. But just make sure you’re nice to her, because things could get ugly.’” Patton’s rep denied any of this went down. Lana “can’t get over how open Robin, 36, was about it all. And how oblivious — or accepting — Paula seemed.” She spills, “I’m still shocked about the whole thing.” Robin and Paula have a 3-year-old son, Julian, together. And apparently a very laissez-faire attitude about monogamy! What rhymes with polyamory?
Snooki: “I’m a closet nerd. I love anything sci-fi related and I’m obsessed with learning about astronomy.”
Liam Payne Tells Taylor Swift to Move on From Harry Styles: “Hashtag get over it.” NEVER!
David Schwimmer’s Town House Vandalized: Rapscallions painted “ROSS IS NOT COOL” on the property that Schwimmer demolished and rebuilt, overriding preservationists who wanted to protect the “irreplaceable historical building.” Another tag read “Fuck you and your ugliness.” Hahahaha ROSS IS NOT COOL.
Blake Shelton: “Got stung in the hand by a wasp yesterday. My hand is swollen 2x too big. Been trying to get stung in the dick for the last 11 hours.”
Liam Hemsworth to Dump Miley Cyrus?: “There it was again: Miley Cyrus’ backside on display for the whole world to see.” AND SO WHAT? “Miley is not the same person Liam first met when they shot The Last Song in 2009. Now she’s wild to the extreme.” AND … SO … WHAT? “No one is more disappointed — or disgusted — than Miley’s fiance Liam Hemsworth. After a year of her increasingly desperate grabs for attention, the Aussie movie star, 23, has had enough. He’s mortified by her raunchy, classless VMA performance.” PSHHHHH. “She may have finally gone too far.” After the VMAs “They had a fight about her performance. He’s now giving her the silent treatment.” A source says, “I remember when they first began dating, and he was obsessed with her. He would literally stare at her like he was a little boy, so in love. I honestly don’t recall the last time I saw him look at her that way.” PSHHH. “He’s very unhappy. They’re not in a good place. She’s desperately trying to get his attention, but in the wrong way. If she keeps it up, they’ll be over for good.” PSHH!
Gwen Stefani Is Pregnant at 43: “She’s in the early stages, and she’s having a hard time with morning sickness. But she and Gavin Rossdale couldn’t be happier.”
Misc/Etc: “He said it was regarding my audition and asked me very private questions [about my sexual history]” “We didn’t have a shot and we just imploded.” “I don’t even recognize her.” “WHOSE NEW BABY HAS THE CUTER NAME?” “The 2-year-old busied herself by feeding candy to her hunky dad” “With their auburn locks” “With those pecs, Dan, you can harvest our produce anytime!” “Maybe cross eyes, but that is about the extent of his goggle eyes!” “Being beautiful is only the fifth or sixth thing that’s amazing about her.” “promotes a positive message and flaunts her killer body” “Best selfie ever!” “BURY ME IN STRIPPER BOOTS”
Clint Eastwood’s Divorce a Wife Swap? “The plot thickens! Just two days after Clint Eastwood’s wife of 17 years, Dina, told Us the duo was separated in June 2012, the Oscar winner, 83, was photographed in L.A. with a girlfriend, mom of two Erica Tomlinson-Fisher. Here’s where it gets crazy: Clint’s flame, 42, was wed until 2012 to Dina’s friend of 33 years, University of Hawaii basketball coach Scott Fisher! After Scott and Erica divorced, Erica was sure Scott was romancing Dina. Erica called Clint’s office last February to discuss her suspicions — then he fell for her!” While Dina and Scott weren’t actually cheating, as soon as Clint and Erica hooked up, Dina and Scott started casually dating. Dina says, “I am saddened to see photos of Clint with Ms. Tomlinson-Fisher. I look forward to new beginnings.” High school never ends in Hollywood (or anywhere else, for that matter).
Fergie Gives Birth: What did she and Josh Duhamel name their first child? Axl Jack, naturally, “likely named after Mom’s rock idol — Guns ‘N Roses frontman Axl Rose.” Ferg legally changed her name from Stacy Ferguson to Fergie Duhamel. “They are all using this quiet time to bond with Axl.” Sweet child o’ mine?
Selena Gomez: “We’re not afraid to just be confident in who we are, and if a gentleman can’t handle that, then that’s not my problem.” I wish Selena and Taylor Swift would date.
Kelly Osbourne Hates Grills: “The stupid faces they have to pull to show it off + breath like pennies is really unappealing to me!” Is there anything you DON’T hate, Kelly Osbourne?
Blake Lively: “My hair is my security blanket … I like having a lot of it, like a curtain.” Shake your hair cape, Blake!
Anderson Cooper Sunburned His Eyes: “I didn’t even know you could do that. And these baby blues, they’re my moneymaker.”
Misc/Etc: “It’s a slippery slope” “She’s obviously exhausted, but her excitement is overwhelming” “I’d love to have a mini of my man!” “The f-bomb was being dropped” “Just keep livin’ … back in the 1860s!” “his boyish doppelganger” “J is for jorts” “Dance involving thrusting and a squatting stance” “An intense, typically nonsexual admiration felt by one woman for another” “I could eat breakfast for every meal” “On not being a sporty kid” “They’re trying to pretty-cry?” “Miley Cyrus channeled Gwen Stefani” “tight … same as me and Britney” “prim teacher turned vigilante” “She rolls deep with him, for real, and he’s very loyal to her” “I have big boobs now!” “Makeout sessions! Wedding pressure!” “a serpentine manner”
Jen & Angelina: Now it’s Angie’s turn to cry. “Jennifer Aniston is happy and engaged and finally over Brad Pitt. But it seems the woman he infamously dumped her for can’t do the same. According to a source, Angelina Jolie is weirdly determined to forever remind Jen that she now has her man.” Why doesn’t Angelina just stand outside Jen’s window with a boom box playing “BOOM! I FUCKED YOUR BOYFRIEND” on repeat? Jolie “recently requested Jen’s favorite L.A. hotel room to have an all-night sex romp with Brad, complete with sex toys and rubber sheets, on a getaway from their kids!” Man, it’s a hundred degrees in L.A. right now and rubber sheets sound like a special kind of hell. They did it at the $2,500-a-night Sunset Tower suite, where Jen stayed while she and Justin Theroux were house-hunting. “Angie likes people to think that Jen isn’t even on her radar. But the truth is, she will never stop being curious about her.” Is that because Theroux is much hotter than Brad Pitt?
Whither Kim Kardashian? “Kim refuses to leave the house and gets so bored that she spends all her time shopping online for Nori. She mostly buys white items, and she buys multiples of the same thing because they get dirty so easily.” Kanye prefers to dress baby Nori in all black. “Whatever the color, the clothes all have one thing in common: an over-the-top price tag.”
Simon Cowell vs. Gordon Ramsay: “Forget the baby mama drama — Simon Cowell is more concerned about regaining his post as Fox’s top moneymaker.” After the failure of The X Factor, he was “livid when he read a glowing article about fellow TV hothead and Hell’s Kitchen star Gordon Ramsay that declared Ramsay the network’s ‘golden boy.’” He’s just blond, jeez Simon. “Simon is competitive, and the business at hand is making money and keeping the title of America’s love-to-hate TV personality. He likes to remind the executives that people know him by just his first name, but if you say ‘Gordon,’ everyone has to ask ‘Gordon who?’”
Kris Jenner’s TV Show’s Crew Happy Kris Got Kanceled: “We could not wait for the end of the show’s six-week trial period. Working with Kris was absolutely unbearable. She would show up on set hung over and demand her beauty team to fix her up and make her look stunning. Kris would give goody bags to the audience, but instead of giving the crew some too, which is typical, she insisted that she take them home to her family. Talk about tacky!”
Kristen Stewart & Zac Efron? “While insiders say Zac is excited at the prospect of hooking up with Kristen, don’t expect the two to be Hollywood’s next It Couple. He’s a bit of a playboy, so he wants to keep his partying lifestyle intact. He is not looking for anything emotional, and Kristen doesn’t want anything serious. This could work out great for both of them!” Famous last words, but I’d sure watch that rom-com!
Justin Bieber Not Allowed to Drive: “The accident prone star has been banned from driving in California. Turns out he never had a license!” Ha! Sounds right.
Misc/Etc: “He just wants to live out his life enjoying the things he’s always loved: seeing friends, watching the Lakers, and of course chasing women!” “She’s The Boss” “She signed a lucrative contract to continue deejaying in Ibiza next year” “she can never be skinny or glamorous enough, and worries that other women will catch her husband’s eye and tempt him to stray.” “The 31 year old’s thighs look like they’ve aged three times faster than the rest of her” “Beyonce channeled her inner daredevil” “got playful with a baby snow leopard” “He’s never too old to party” “It may not be the greatest outfit, but at least she’s wearing clothes!” “Nothing says summer comfort like a full-body leather jumpsuit” “Celebrity CELLULITE SHOCKERS!” “Translation? Mad Men it ain’t” “It’s frighteningly unfunny”
Kimye Want Another Baby Already? “Kanye would love a son. One of each would be perfect.”
Katy Perry & John Mayer: “He’s going to pop the question as soon as he gets the ring. Katy knows it’s coming, so she’s been doing some preliminary wedding planning.” The purported guest list includes Taylor Swift, who will show up dressed as Maleficent and put a curse on the marriage. Although Mayer probably doesn’t need any outside help at making his relationships fail. Speak now!
Blue Ivy’s First Birthday: Jay-Z and Beyoncé gave their daughter an “$80,000 diamond-studded Barbie doll” for her first b’day. Fuck Barbie though, for real.
Miley for Catwoman? “In our eyes, Miley passed the audition live on MTV’s VMAs by showing the world she’s got all the moves — and the tight plastic outfit! It’s her destiny.” I am so into this idea, obviously.
Russell Crowe: When he fronted a New Zealand pop band in the ’80s, Crowe went by the even sillier pseudonym Russ le Roq.
Misc/Etc: “She may need clothes — she’s barely covered up at all!” “Taylor is very strong. She doesn’t care what people think and she inspires me.” “Blake Lively plans to grow old gracefully without plastic surgery” “tired and a little restless” “enjoyed one of her last days as a single woman” “He’s the sweetest pup” “It’s not your money. You have the right to spend it any way you choose — even if it seems extravagant and wasteful to others.” “But now he has sex with her instead (and is losing weight!)” “Even though a bunch of beautiful models were standing around” “They were super close to each other. Their bodies were in sync.” “Green juice.”