Rob Rejects the Kardashian Name … and Other Acts of Rebellion From This Week’s Tabloids

Rob Kardashian and Kris Jenner

In Touch

Rob Kardashian Wants Out of the Family: “I don’t want to be a Kardashian anymore!” says the boy who would be Kim. He was a no-show in the family’s annual holiday pics. “He feels like his family puts TV first and they’re incapable of being real. He realizes that his expectations in life don’t line up with theirs.” Go be a cowboy, Rob! Run away! “The last year has been so painful. But instead of being there for her son, Kris tried to get him a weight-loss deal and pushed him to promote a hair-loss supplement,” a source tells In Touch about “Rob, who is prematurely balding. He feels like the family abandoned him when he needed them most. For him, life is more than just a business deal.” RUN AWAY!!!

Britney: “I have always been kind of shy, since I was a little girl. I really can’t help it. It’s almost like my alter ego when I get onstage … I turn into this different person … seriously … bipolar disorder.” Ahhhh Perfect Blue!

Enrique Iglesias: “My worst defect is from the waist down. There’s not a lot to show off.”

“Our Dad’s Our Plastic Surgeon!”: A scary story about the Niccole sisters, daughters of Orange County, California, plastic surgeon Dr. Michael Niccole. Brittani Niccole says, “I’d see my older brothers’ girlfriends who had boobs and I’d be like ‘I can’t wait until I’m older so I get boobs too!’ Then it never happened. So I was like, ‘All right, I need to get them done.’” Good thing your dad’s a plastic surgeon! “After begging her parents for an augmentation all through high school, Brittani’s father finally agreed to transform his adopted daughter’s decolletage from an A-cup to a C-cup as a gift for her 18th birthday — then granted her wish for a nose job for her 21st.” AHHHHHHHHHH. “I would rather have him do surgery on me than anyone else because he’s my dad and is so amazing at what he does.” Adopted sister Charm “also turned to her father last year to boost her 32B chest to a 32C after exercise and weight loss left her boobs deflated. What does the good doctor say? “I thought they were perfect before they got anything done. And I think they’re perfect now.” The picture accompanying this sentiment is him giving Brittani a Botox injection in her forehead. Yipes. Brittani says, “People will say, ‘Is it weird that your dad has seen your breasts? No! He saw me naked when I was a baby and he does this for a living. He’s a professional.” Dr. Niccole says he’s performed about 15,000 boob jobs in his career, and he agrees with his daughter. “Breasts have been sexualized so that’s how they’re viewed, but I don’t see them that way.” Is this creepy? Normal for the future? Or a viral promo for Flowers in the Attic?

Snooki Loves Kristen Stewart: “I feel like we could be friends, because she’s fun and she’s slutty, and I love her.” I’m sure she feels the same way about you.

No Wonder Beyoncé Hated Being Vegan“Even when I’m being strict, I always treat myself to one meal on Sundays when I can have whatever I want. Usually it’s pizza, which is my favorite.”

John “Snow” Mayer: Mayer “re-enacted game of thrones” in a fur jacket. “A song of ice and fire indeed! John Mayer, 36, knows that ‘winter is coming’ so he wears a fur like Jon Snow’s.” Your body is a Westeros.

Misc/Etc: “Chinese model Angelababy” “[Molly is one of those] happy drugs” “Cape Cod style mansion in Malibu” “With that six-pack, Mark-Paul, you’ll always be Most Likely to Win Our Hearts!” “has a personal umbrella holder while posing for pics” “Work is play!” “shows no evidence of packing on holiday pounds” “dares to bare her assets in a thong” “It’s always bikini season!” “He’s living like a king” “tries to smile through the pain, but deep down she’s all torn up” “He puts himself first in pretty much every situation and just makes the wrong decisions” “One of my favorite things in life to collect other than cars is watches” “Now that I’m done having babies, I can’t say that I wouldn’t go back” “She couldn’t be happier right now. Her weight is because of her eating habits and busy schedule, not because of her marriage” “chose to ignore the accusations even though everyone in town was talking about it” “I’m Scared To Gain Weight Again!”

Star

Reese Witherspoon Gets Behind the Wheel After Two Glasses of Rosé: Paparazzi stalkers caught Witherspoon at Gjelina in Venice and watched her “treat herself to two glasses of what appeared to be rosé” before she “promptly jumped behind the wheel of her BMW.” After lunch she and husband Jim Toth walked around the neighborhood for 20 minutes before she drove them home. I see you trying to paint Reese as a party girl after her DUI arrest, Star, but Witherspoon’s good-girl image is Teflon. What’s more wholesome than a mom kicking back at dinner with a couple of glasses of pink wine? Nothing. “She’s a grown woman, and that’s her right. She’s an excellent mother and businesswoman, so if she wants to have a few glasses of wine every now and then, good for her!” Maybe get a cab though, girl.

Never Change, Mariah Carey: “Mariah Carey posted this revealing picture on Instagram of herself wearing a skimpy bikini while walking her dog in the Aspen snow.” You’ll always be our baby, Mimi, and this is just one of many reasons why.

How Did Catherine Zeta-Jones & Michael Douglas Reunite? With their kids in town, the “family lunched at Orso restaurant, continued on to the Broadway show Motown: The Musical, and capped off the evening with a viewing of The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug.” Nothing brings estranged families together over the holidays like Smaug.

Misc/Etc: “Over the years, their strong personalities have clashed frequently” “MOTHER-SON WAR HEATS UP!” “the pop star, 32” “Welcome to No-Sin City!” “He’s an egomaniac and simply won’t accept failure” “ON THIN ICE WITH OPRAH!” “I would never fuck you! I’m not even attracted to you!” “Where’s your pregnant girlfriend?” “getting in some last minute shopping on her native island” “you’ve got Slothy” “to see a show by their friend, performance artist Marina Abramovic.” “received some over-the-top affection from a German shepherd” “Dumpster diving?” “The new selfie?” “When Audrina Patridge blows into the Windy City” “Jessica Simpson’s wedding dress isn’t the the only white thing she wants to show off on her big day!” “She’s been partying so hard that her extensions got ripped out, a common Hollywood mishap.” “She’s electric!”

Life & Style

Amy Adams on Bradley Cooper: “I’ve just never seen him as a frat boy … He’s a very soulful person, a very open person. People can mistake a sort of laid-back quality for that frat thing.” Still ’shipping them in American Hustle.

Carrie Underwood: “Underneath every dress, I’m wearing shorts.” We won’t tell.

Kerry Washington: “In my personal life, I really dress for comfort.”

Taylor Swift & High-Waisted Shorts: “The first time my stylist brought in a pair of high-waisted shorts I was like ‘What is that? No! Get it away from me!’ I ended up wearing them onstage all the time.” But why?

Jennifer Lawrence: “I really would not call myself a fashion icon. I would call myself somebody who gets dressed by professionals.” Look, that’s charming as hell. C’mon, haters, you can’t fight this feeling anymore.

Never Change, Keanu: “Despite hitting the big 5-0 next year, Keanu Reeves announced that he’s game to reprise his role in a third Bill & Ted flick.” DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT.

Leo Wants That Oscar Bad: “Just call him the Wolf of Sesame Street! Leonardo DiCaprio has a notoriously wild reputation, but the Great Gatsby star also has a way with the kiddos!” You mean models? Leo hung out with best bud Tobey Maguire’s kids at Fred Segal. “He even watched the little ones while Tobey ran an errand.” He looks so uncomfortable but like he’s trying to seem chill. He wants that Oscar soooo badly!

Jennifer Aniston: “Don’t grow up so fast. Enjoy your age … It flies by.”

Miley in Wonderland: “In her bungalow at the MGM in Las Vegas, surrounded by little people, a monkey that was dyed pink and people dressed as stuffed animals, Miley Cyrus had stripped down to a sports bra. As pot smoke wafted through the room, Miley was humping the floor. Then she humped the monkey, then male and female dwarves dressed in S&M gear.” Pretty mild Friday night, honestly.

Misc/Etc: “married Southern charm and Old Hollywood glamour” “I modeled for Chanel quite a bit when I was younger” “the imagination and excitement it brings never gets old to me” “I like experimenting with sunglasses and having fun with handbags” “going girlie” “The bombshell says she’d consider a boob job because her girls are ‘like mosquito bites.’”  “She snacked on Fatburger fries” “Tish Cyrus, who posed with Alan Thicke in a tribute to their kids Miley and Robin’s infamous VMA performance” “a steamy hot tub dip” “What’s a little boy doing sitting at the bar?” “I’ve never seen an adult woman who looks so freakishly small” “didn’t touch the mini burgers” “her butt is flat” “‘molly,’ slang for MDMA or ecstasy” “a pic of her kissing (or licking) model Cara Delevingne” “she has women over to her house all the time and hooks up with them” “Bodyguards love to dish dirt” “Our Family’s Finally Complete!” “I’ve never had a dark-haired baby!”

OK

Justin Timberlake & Jessica Biel to Split? The couple haven’t been seen together in weeks, sparking rumors that they’ve separated. She didn’t go to his L.A. show, but tweeted defensively, “I’m watching from home tonight. Calm down, internet.” Why the breakup? His tour, and backpedaling about having kids. “The reality of her marriage is taking a toll — she feels like a widow.” Justin didn’t wear his wedding ring at the AMAs. His rep says he usually takes it off to perform. A likely story! Has he been cheating? There’s no proof yet but “while involved with Jessica he’d been linked with a range of women, including Kate Hudson, Olivia Munn and Rihanna.” People were surprised when he proposed. While on the road to promote his new album, JT stopped calling on the regs. “She would go long periods without hearing from him, and would get enraged to learn he was out much of the night. Jessica drilled him with questions. But her badgering only made things worse. Justin began calling her even less.” They had a huge fight over whether he is “unable to control his impulses.” She’s probably not really going to file though. She’s just making a statement that she won’t put up with anything. “I think Jessica’s hurt did hit home. He knows she’s a good woman who has done nothing but love him with all of her heart.”

Justin Bieber & Selena Gomez: “It’s just hard for the both of us. But you know, she’s a great woman. I love her till this day.” Yes, but Selena is a woman, and you are a BABY MAN with a SILLY MUSTACHIO.

Howard Stern: “I’m a horrible bore. A terrible person to be in a relationship with. But she’s great.”

Kim Kardashian’s Diet: Currently it “revolves around steamed veggies doused in zero-calorie flavor spray, and Diet Coke.” How’s that going? “Boy, is she irritable. Everyone thought she had a case of the post-baby blues because she rarely smiles these days, but it’s really because she’s hardly eating.” PIZZA.

Juan Pablo Speaks: “I like a woman who is fun, smart, honest, athletic and knows how to dance — because I love dancing. If she doesn’t dance, it’s horrible. Another turn-off is if she doesn’t eat, because I like food.” Oh man, he’s perfect! What else? “If you like music and sports, you’ll have a blast. But I can be sarcastic and stubborn, and I like to watch sports — even if the sun is out, I just want to lie in bed and watch sports.” He’s so funny, I don’t even know how. “I don’t drink or smoke so dance [is my biggest vice]. Also, “Nutella and Doritos with salsa. I’m a fatty.” You’re a dream date!

Misc/Etc: “At 68 years young, Helen is one foxy lady” “TEEN STARS WRITING THEIR AUTOBIOGRAPHIES” “whom Queen Bey favored with a kiss” “to each and every one of you that worked on this shit” “Bey bestows a buss” “Her love life’s on a high note!” “COUCH POTATOES” “What’s black-and-white-and-black-and-white-and-black-and-white?” “She got out of control with drinking and junk food” “Lamest celebrity mustache ever?” “there better be a big tip in this!” “they fall wildly in (really kinky) lust” “In character as Ron Burgundy’s co-anchor and wife Veronica Corningstone, Christina sang a folky version of The Clash’s ‘Police and Thieves’” “TWO HOST GIRLS” “a Dawson’s Creek reunion special” “SHE WAS A HOT MESS” “She went crazy on Kanye a few days ago when he opened a package of cookies in front of her” “Our inspiration was ethereal vamp” “We’re like sorority girls hiding from the headmaster”

Filed Under: Tabloids, Jessica Biel, Justin Timberlake, Mariah Carey, Michael Douglas, Molly's Magazines, Reese Witherspoon

Photo on 2014-01-10 at 12.58 #3

Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

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