“I’m untouchable, bitch.”  It only took Rob Lowe three words to capture the hearts and the minds of an entire generation (or at least just me) when Lifetime released the trailer for its original movie Drew Peterson: Untouchable last month. The film finally premiered on Saturday, and it succeeds in turning a depressing true crime story (one that remains unresolved) into a campy suspense thriller. 

The film is based on true events, but as Drew Peterson hasn’t admitted to or been convicted of any actual criminal activity yet, all the movie can reasonably pull off is showing Drew Peterson being a creepy, woman-hating dick, something not even Drew Peterson denies, all with Rob Lowe made up like he’s on an episode of Undercover Boss. (“I wanted to see first hand what life was like working at Blonde Wives About To Die Industries.”)

If you thought “I’m untouchable, bitch” was an outrageous line of dialogue, the movie doesn’t disappoint. Most of the things Rob Lowe says and does in the film made me uncomfortable. It was a lot to handle, especially as I watched it first thing in the morning. I spit so much coffee at my TV I had to make a second and a third pot of coffee! (I didn’t spit any coffee.) Below are Drew Peterson quotes from the film, mixed in with ones that might as well have been. Can you spot the fake ones? You probably cannot:

1. [standing naked before his young son] “He should know why I’m called Big Daddy.”
2. [gesturing to a piece of furniture] “That goes in the man cave.”
3. “Keep your damn pole away from my wife.”
4. [in flames] “I’m combustible, bitch.”
5. [to his son that saw him naked a few scenes ago] “Justin, tell your uncle that Big Daddy’s got it going on.”
6. [to his brother who just attempted suicide] “You’re like a chick. You got that voice in your head yammering away. You gotta tell it shut up. Be a man. And a real man never folds. Never.”
7. [right before stripping in front of the cops] “Oh I get it. You just want to look at my package. I can make that happen.”
8. [to a female reporter asking him about his two dead wives] “Wow, you are so hot. Isn’t she hot?”
9. “The true colors of a nasty bitch come out eventually.”
10. [to his wife, having asked what snack he’s eating] “They’re Uncrustables, bitch.”
11. “Stacey threatened to leave me every month, coordinated with her menstrual cycle.”
12. “It’s like this every month with her. It’s like clockwork!”
13. “My wife’s outbursts are linked to the phases of the moon, because of her disgusting period. PMS should stand for premurder syndrome!”
14. “Don’t let her get pregnant. When women are hopped up on hormones, they turn into fat, sweaty monsters.”
15. “I want to know how many times you banged him. Just tell me. Is it 5? 10? 20?”
16. [in response to people assuming he killed his wife, because if it looks like a duck, if it swims like a duck…] “Well they don’t have all the ducks’ information.”
17. “What do you get when you cross a pig with the media? Nothing, because there’s some things even a pig won’t do.”
18. “What do you get when you cross a pig with a chick on her menstrual cycle?  I don’t know, because I hate women, and ultimately thinking about their bodies disgusts me, often times to the point of murderous rage. Maybe I’m gay? It seems like a possibility, because I talk about ‘babes’ like a nervous high schooler trying to prove dudes don’t give him boners.”
19. “You forget that I know what kind of whore you are.”
20. [To the cops, in response to them asking what his favorite film is] “It’s The Untouchables, bitch.”

[fake ones: 4, 10, 13, 18, 20]