Rihanna’s Reefer Madness … and Other Horror Stories From This Week’s Tabloids

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Star

Rihanna’s Fast Track to Disaster: “Rihanna loves to party, but this past month she’s gotten really out of control. She’s been drinking almost every day and talking about smoking weed a lot too.” On Twitter, “she often tweets about ‘420,’ a popular term for smoking marijuana,” and “makes no effort to hide her nonstop alcohol consumption.” She stopped off at “Club Perfection in Queens” at 2 a.m. on May 2, to “dance with and throw money at the strippers” at the “grimy strip club.” She shrugs off similarities to Whitney Houston, but crazy nights have “become the norm” for the 24-year-old. “She’s actually a very lonely girl,” says a friend. “She gets fed up with sitting in her hotel room, so she goes out drinking.” She was hoping to get back together with Chris Brown, but Brown “returned to his girlfriend Karrueche Tran and even got a tattoo of her face inked on his arm to prove his love and loyalty. When Chris got the tattoo, Rihanna freaked out. She’s been obsessed with the thought that he’s going to marry Karrueche and she’ll never be able to get back with him. She’s heartbroken and in a bad place. She’s been numbing the pain with alcohol.” She likes to test boundaries. “When people tell her she’s a role model, she goes crazy. She doesn’t want to hear it. If anything, she rebels and goes out and does something even more shocking than the time before.” When she “posted a picture of a substance that appeared to resemble cocaine” her managers got mad, but “she responded by claiming to be in a lesbian relationship with her friend Melissa Forde.” Riri “loves being a bad girl and shocking people. She says she’s having fun, but it’s clear she’s acting out because she’s in a lot of emotional pain.”

Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux: Despite reports that she was planning a wedding in Greece, “the 43-year-old star and her actor beau of a year haven’t been photographed together in 32 days, since the once-inseparable pair were seen riding in a black Mercedes in Malibu. That may be because Justin is having serious doubts about the romance, as the L.A. transplant pines for his former NYC home base — and for his former girlfriend of 14 years, NYC fashion stylist Heidi Bivens.” Ugh, poor Jen. “Justin walked out on the love of his life for Jen, but he’s started to realize that he made a mistake.” When he first met Jen “he was blown away by her charm, sexiness and power on set. But the bloom is off the rose, and he wants his old home, his old love, and his old life back.” He misses Bivens, with whom he still talks. “Heidi is lovely, soft-spoken and dignified. Justin feels she’s handled herself with grace, never becoming nasty or vindictive.” Theroux is “full of remorse and regret” and has been “trying to get her back in a clandestine way.” While he moved in with Aniston in Beverly Hills, he already wants out. “Justin wants a family, but he doesn’t want it with Jen.” He “fears Jen wants to control him — as she did with previous mates” and “is finding Jen to be a bit of a nag. The way it’s going, the honeymoon will be over before it begins.”

Joe Jonas Over the Line: “The party is over for Joe Jonas,” whose “bandmate siblings Kevin and Nick are sick of Joe’s wild ways. Nick and Kevin staged a career intervention and told Joe they’re fed up with his partying, random hookups, and complete lack of focus. They’re threatening to boot him from the group.” The trio announced a new album, with Kevin saying, “I think the tides are perfectly lining up for the future of the Jonas Brothers again.” What could possibly go wrong? Meanwhile, “Joe was on an endless bender. He spent much of the past few months cruising babes — after infamously loving and leaving several starlets, including Demi Lovato, Ashley Greene, and Taylor Swift.” He told his brothers that “he went to Miami to clear his head, relax, and write music. But they started hearing reports of him hanging at the pool all day, sipping cocktails and picking up various models. Then he reportedly started romancing Brazilian cover girl Jessica Pott. Now Joe is back in New York. And it’s do or die for him. He’s getting the message.”

Kirsten Dunst and Garrett Hedlund: “After gathering 20 of Kirsten Dunst’s loved ones at L.A.’s Chateau Marmont for the actress’ 30th birthday, her On the Road costar and beau, Garrett Hedlund, popped the question. He ordered pale-pink and cream-colored roses for the table and had a big white birthday cake. Kirsten loved the attention.” Sounds like a Sofia Coppola joint. “Just before midnight the actor, 27, took Kirsten in his arms and asked her to marry him. She thought he was kidding because there was no engagement ring — but he told her one would be coming soon, and they kissed passionately for about a minute. Everyone applauded!”

Bryan Greenberg and Jamie Chung: Former Real World: San Diego cast member and “Sucker Punch babe Jamie Chung and actor Bryan Greenberg” (from HBO’s defunct How to Make It in America) “made their feelings for each other very clear during the Tribeca Film Festival.” The pair “have previously avoided being photographed together, and his rep has denied that they’re an item, but Jamie and Bryan were laughing and cuddling. And she stayed close by his side all night!”

Misc/Etc: “Someone is still being a dick” “it splattered all over the internet” “He was a cool guy and he wanted to meet some girls!” “Floyd Mayweather Jr. is a Belieber!” “a sexy techie” “mainly male clientele” “low-budget love nest” “lets the slithering reptile be seen” “filling a room with upside-down orchids” “divine green apple scent” “have a guy’s touch to it” “basics like rubber ducks” “if u knew what I know, u’d be AMAZED at my restraint” “Partying degraded their looks” “lots of soft safe toys” “couture nursery” “a lot has changed — including her face” “she’s going crazy trying to stop the clock” “did her best to schlep” “a boy obsessed with Susan Lucci”

Us

Mark Ruffalo: “If you’re not yelling at your kids, you’re just not spending enough time with them.”

Teen Mom‘s Jenelle Evans: “My boobs are hurting so bad, I can’t stop crying.”

Gabrielle Union: “I dated a lot of dreamers. Some people call them dreamers. My parents called them losers.”

Cameron Diaz: “I used to ask my grandparents all the questions I wanted to know because they had experience. Now kids just Google.”

Taye Diggs: “I used to glance in the mirror while I was crying to see what it looked like.”

Misc/Etc: “There are hardly any other men to flirt with there” “I was being stalked by a dog” “He punched Siva in the balls” “When my wife and I first met, we didn’t like each other” “I hate the smell of beets!” “I’m 41 but feel like I’m 15″ “Leonard Cohen’s book of lyrics” “I love to smell like cake!” “She looked like a sexy angel!” “Snake on a dress!” “Big melons!” “orthopedic dog cushion” “Anyone got a castle they’re not using in September?” “He’s used to girls just throwing themselves at him” “tossed Christmas cookies” “a sombrero giveaway” “In one scene Cruise wears buttless chaps” “baggy boyfriend jeans have been dumped” “a minivan full of babies”

In Touch

Rihanna and Darren McFadden: “The sexy singer only had eyes for her new man — Oakland Raiders star Darren McFadden” as they frolicked on a beach together. “She kept calling his name and at one point, she discreetly flashed him. That did the trick. He ran into the water and they started kissing.” While it may seem that she’s “finally over her abusive ex, Chris Brown, Rihanna’s romance with Darren, 24, masks a sad truth. She’s still in love with Chris. She’s using Darren to make him jealous.” It’s working: Brown “sent $3,000 worth of tropical flowers to her suite. She was shocked and encouraged. Just days later she made a point of wearing a Raiders shirt to a New York strip club and tweeted numerous pictures of herself in the hopes that Chris would see.” The couple “still seem to have a negative, destructive connection. It’s a dance, but it isn’t a healthy one.”

Drake Romancing Rashida Jones and Tyra Banks: “Drake, 25, has become the main attraction for two older women. Even though their reps of course insist they are just friends, a source says the rapper has secretly been dating Rashida Jones, 36, since they met at Sundance earlier this year.” A source says, “She wants them to go public, but he’s reluctant. Maybe it’s because he was just spotted having frozen yogurt with Tyra Banks, 38, at Disneyland.” Watch out, though, girls, “He isn’t ready to settle down.”

Tara Reid: “I became known as having the ugliest breasts in the world”

Ashton Kutcher at the Kentucky Derby: “People go to the Kentucky Derby to see the fillies, but it seems Ashton Kutcher may not have understood quite what that meant. The single star was seen flirting with an endless line of beauties at the famed horse race.” At a Maxim party, a hot blonde “was carrying a whip and swatting him.” He left with the blonde at 3:30 a.m. as she told pals “I have to! It’s Ashton Kutcher!”

Cameron Diaz on Turning 40: “I’m not 25 years old anymore, nor do I want to be — I wouldn’t even want to go back to being 30! I don’t feel empty because I haven’t had a child yet, or that I may not.”

Kris Jenner: Caring Mom or Monster?

  • “Doesn’t let Kylie, 14, act like a kid — and is pushing her into a modeling career”
  • “Is discouraging Kendall, 16, from going to college — and is instead pressuring her into doing a reality show with her sister Kylie”
  • “Criticized the way Kourtney is raising her son — in front of the cameras”
  • “Told an insecure Khloe that she was too fat for the family brand, making her admit that if Kris wasn’t her mom she’d fire her.”
  • “Is trying to force still-married Kim into getting engaged to Kanye West”

Misc/Etc: “random ball necklace” “and he’s bitten the head off” “relax and eat a pizza, Miley!” “I dressed like a homeless person” “the so-in-love duo” “eating cake under the tree” “Ron Burgundy: Style Icon!” “He’s got a sex chamber?” “as overwhelming as it is exhilarating” “the pin-thin woman with rock-hard abs was once a chubby-cheeked tween idol” “her beloved burgers and potato chips” “chiseled body, sexy accent, and endless charisma” “we were talking and he started showing me videos of him having sex with other women on his phone.” “I was just going with the passion.” “He’s very sensual” “He is making promises to both women” “Business + Pleasure = Ratings!” “Scarlett Johansson never did this.” “Even after surgery, these stars could still suffer from imperfections”

OK!

Is Jennifer Aniston texting John Mayer? “As her relationship with Justin Theroux cools — due in large part, sources say, to his continued contact with his ex Heidi Bivens — Jennifer Aniston is back in touch with her former lover John Mayer! And pals are speculating that the two may be close to rekindling their rock ‘n roll romance.” His new single, “Shadow Days,” has lyrics like “I never meant her harm / But it doesn’t mean I didn’t make it hard to carry on” and may be about Jen. “He has never really gotten over her.” Jen downloaded the song to listen to it “and the tears were rolling down her face. Jen has a lot of wonderful memories from her days with Jon, and they all came flooding back. Still emotional from hearing the ballad, Jen texted John to tell him ‘the words in the song are so beautiful.’ And he texted back!” Now Aniston “is desperate to see John again. She realizes a piece of her heart still belongs to him. They’re sending each other a lot of flirty texts and it’s obvious John still has very deep feelings for her.” Jen better make sure that John doesn’t just love a challenge, since he wasn’t such a great boyfriend the first time around.

Jessica Simpson: “Her biggest panic is that she’s going to lose everything: her looks, her career, and that she’s going to be a bad mother on top of it!” The Fashion Star star “may be cracking under the intense pressure to get back to work as quickly as possible.” Baby daddy Eric Johnson is concerned. “In the last months of her pregnancy, Jessica was coming home exhausted. He doesn’t understand why Jessica does it, because she doesn’t need the money.” A tired but headstrong Jessica is “totally worn out and her hormones are trying to rebalance themselves, so she’s all over the place. She got so emotional that she lashed out at Eric, telling him she doesn’t want to get married anymore.” Joe Simpson tried to talk to Eric, which “really pissed him off. He told Joe that he isn’t just a sperm donor. He cares just as much about Jessica as Joe does.”

Nick Cannon on Celebrating His Fourth Anniversary With Mariah Carey: “Every day, my respect for Mariah continues to grow higher. People have no idea how funny she is. I feel like I’ve always known she was my forever love.”

Misc/Etc: “Gotta love a gal who won’t give up on romance!” “swoops in on a skateboard” “a pair of swingers” “feline walk, jumpy as a puppy” “they both are very elegant, but they are very cuddly, and they are lovers” “manning up to full strength” “I crashed bad and hard hit” “Forget alligators” “if Vanessa loses the weight before she does, she’ll die” “She feels good about having a butt and boobs” “strawberries and whipped cream” “a lady whose faves include pasta, ice cream, and McDonald’s” “the free-spirited teenager is forging a promising career in art” “We are very proud to be Scientologists” “When Suri wants wa-wa, she means Pellegrino!” “and then there’s the gravy” “spinning floor-rattling jams for a wild crowd until the wee hours of the morning” “terrifying concoction is composed of three kinds of whiskey, Jagermesiter, and tequila”

Filed Under: Ashton Kutcher, Cameron Diaz, Chris Brown, Drake, Jennifer Aniston, John Mayer, Justin theroux, Kirsten Dunst, Mariah Carey, Mark Ruffalo, Molly's Magazines, Oakland Raiders, Real World, Rihanna, Teen Mom

Photo on 2014-01-10 at 12.58 #3

Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

Archive @ mollylambert