Rihanna and Chris Brown’s Secret Year of Hookups … and Other Horror Stories From This Week’s Tabloids

Us

Rihanna and Chris: “Of the 100 people gathered gathered to ring in Rihanna’s 24th birthday at a Beverly Hills mansion the day before Valentine’s Day, only one stood out: her abusive ex-boyfriend, Chris Brown.” A witness says, “Rihanna and Chris were very much together. He was touching her butt, rubbing her arm, and they kept dancing with each other. They seemed like a couple to everyone.” But while they have “been covertly hooking up for almost a year” they have finally “become more open about their mutual affection.” A Riri pal says, “Chris was a strong first love for her that she wants to hold on to. They had a violent, stormy relationship. Her friends obviously think this reunion is crazy — but nobody can tell Rihanna what to do.” And since it was her birthday, nobody said an unkind word about Brown’s presence, who “kept his gaze on Rihanna until past 4 am,” saying “Isn’t Rihanna beautiful?” to fellow party guest LaLa Vasquez Anthony. Chris “will always love Rihanna” and would drop girlfriend Karrueche Tran (whose face he recently had tatted on his arm) if Rihanna asked — but Rihanna prefers the control and power she currently has over him, even if Chris still has the upper hand. “She likes the loose nature of it and she doesn’t want a boyfriend. This is dangerous, and she likes playing with fire.”

The Bachelor‘s Courtney: “Courtney Robertson was feeling especially cocky” as she surveyed her remaining rivals on the reality dating show. “She didn’t see any competition from, in her words, Horsey, Fatty, and the Kid,” the insulting code names she bestowed on the three other girls. “Robertson is the most unscrupulous player ever to accept a rose on the hit ABC show. Emphasis on player.” Somehow “she hid her devious trash-talking side from Flajnik, whom she seduced with charm … and nudity.” You better work, evil model. Despite her lack of attraction to floppy-haired Flajnik, “she ruthlessly pursued him — and willed herself to find him attractive. If you tell yourself for long enough that you like someone, you will like them.” But then Flajnik may also just be in it for the fame: “He did the show to publicize his wine.” But since hooking up with Jennifer Love Hewitt last year, Ben “started thinking he was a celebrity.” A perfect mark for Robertson, who “was as icy to the other women as she was warm to Flajnik.” Robertson’s sister comes to her defense: “Her comments are not intended to be cruel. She just has a quick wit. We call her funny expressions Courtneyisms.” Contestant Kacie Boguskie begs to differ: “That fucking bitch. She is the shittiest person I have ever seen in my life. She’s a black widow.” After Robertson’s amazing fake-wedding gambit, who could begrudge her a well-earned if underhanded victory?

Eight Fun Facts About Ben Flajnik

  • “I have a huge crush on Kristen Wiig”
  • “I hate bananas and mayonnaise. I think they should be banned.”
  • “My first concert was Raffi. And I’ve been every year since.”
  • “I’m terrible at basketball and at doing my hair.” (YOU DON’T SAY … )
  • “I love free popcorn.”
  • “My golf handicap is 7. My other handicap is women.”
  • “I’ve never received a Valentine in my adult life, and I am still haunted by not receiving a ton in school. Maybe it’s why I went on The Bachelor.”
  • “My alter ego is Storm Horse, a smooth-talking moustached R&B crooner.” (Has Storm Horse met this guy?)


Misc/Etc:
“In the middle of the night I can run around through the wilderness naked” “It’s neither based on nor inspired by Angelina” “I can do something truly disgusting” “I jump in my car and do a full transformation!” “Men are terrified of me now.” “Tom Brady couldn’t resist his wife’s tight end” “stars who google themselves” “This color is so strong and alive!” “She likes to be the dominant one.” “It’s not like she’s meeting guys on JDate!” “Johnny loves bombing!” “She was fed up with him being a dog and wanted to prove a point.” “I fumbled all my lines because as he was talking, it’s like, he’s so pretty!” “I want it to be rustic and chic — like, chandeliers and wood” “Sonny John Moore aka Skrillex” “It wasn’t huge like a Kardashian ring” “She’s always off in her own world.” “She’ll give me a wink or a purr to let me know if she’s feeling something.” “My abs are my best feature.” Bon Iver: “I’m balding, and I’m happy about it!”

Star

Christina Aguilera: “Sleeps all day, parties all night and is barely hanging on.” In the public eye she “has a hit show, millions of dollars in the bank and a boyfriend by her side,” but secretly she “is out of control.” After divorcing Jordan Bratman last year, “she’s been floundering” and “getting wasted a lot and just embarrassing herself.” While Bratman was a grounding influence, current boyfriend Matt Rutler “can’t really help her at all,” getting busted for DUI with Aguilera last March. She ditched her son Max on his fourth birthday to go sake-bombing at Nobu. “Christina goes days without ever getting out of bed. She’ll have food brought to her, and she even drinks in bed too!” Her main gig on The Voice gives her life slight structure, but “she’s barely holding herself together there too.” A source says Aguilera’s “dressing room is always littered with wine bottles. She says it loosens her up, but really it just makes her confrontational. She’ll start screaming at the top of her lungs about the lighting, the direction, the food, even the maid service for her dressing room.” Staff on the show “circulate fat pictures of her and make fun of her behind her back.” Friends are concerned something awful will happen if nothing changes. “It looks like it’s time for an intervention.”

A Baby for Lady Gaga: “Now head-over-heels for Vampire Diaries hunk Taylor Kinney, the pop icon is planning for their future — and a little one!” The meat-dressed star “has babies on the brain! Gaga knows that Taylor is The One, and she wants children with him as soon as possible. They’re already plotting out their life together.” But will they be born from giant eggs? “She’s been thinking of baby names but is keeping them a secret.” Kinney’s family met Gaga over the holidays and liked her style: “She’s very well spoken and down-to-earth. She’s basic — and is a sweet, normal, healthy person.” While ex Luc Carl may still pine for her, Gaga is strictly gaga for Kinney these days. “Gaga is more surprised than anyone that she feels this way. But she can’t help it — she’s madly in love.”

Misc/Etc: “Drake celebrated with some pretty ladies” “fabulous and futuristic” “Being beautiful is no blessing” “Though the screen siren may seem to have it all, she lives in paralyzing fear of five dangerous stalkers!” “His career is booming. His love life? Not so much.” “Girl with the 12 tattoos” “A slightly bumpy-looking Vanessa” “I’ll wait it out until everyone goes to sleep.” “Katy stated, quite loudly, that Russell was a dud in the bedroom.” “a water slide and grotto spa” “just an ordinary Italian Catholic schoolgirl in New York City” “smuggled cocaine into the UK by taping packets of the drug under her wig.” “As a celebrity, she’s in the spotlight far more than I” “fake blood and blanks instead of bullets” “struck a pose in a pet’s cage” “It’s great that someone out there wants to put a skinny guy in action shows!” “Mommy may be crisscrossing Europe, leaving battered bad guys in her wake.”

In Touch


Angelina and Billy Bob:
“had amazing sexual chemistry, and they still do.” Lemonade was a popular drink and it still is. “Angelina is still so close to her ex, she wrote the foreword to his memoir,” out in May. “Angelina doesn’t care what Brad says. She still loves Billy Bob, and she always will.” He writes about her in his book, which is co-authored by Kinky Friedman, of all people. “Angelina’s selfish liaisons with Billy Bob are all too humiliating for Brad — and hypocritical considering that Angelina goes ballistic if he has any contact with his ex-wife Jennifer Aniston. But clearly she plays by her own set of rules.” And the deck is stacked. “Angelina and Billy Bob flirt like it’s 10 years ago.” Maybe they’re just nostalgic for their passionate, kind of gross love affair, when the “oversexed” couple used to “wear each other’s underwear” just “like two dirty peas in a pod.” A pod filled with symbolic lovers’ blood. “Brad is furious about it, but to her, that doesn’t matter.”

Kim K. and Reggie Bush: “It was something no one could ever imagine Kim Kardashian doing in a million years: taking a trip to see a boyfriend without posing for a single photo op.” But she managed to avoid the media during a recent trip to see Reggie in Miami. “She didn’t go out once, and they weren’t seen in public together, per his request.” She flies on private planes and “leaves in the middle of the night.” While Bush loves Kim, “he will not tolerate her spotlight-hogging lifestyle” and “agreed to elope” if she is willing to “give up her reality TV career and quit trying to make Reggie part of the Kardashian brand.”

Katy Perry on the Prowl: “Katy Perry seems to have very strange — some would even say bad — taste in men. First there was oddball sex addict Russell Brand, and now comes word she has a big crush on a married man!” What married man, you are wondering? “Gwyneth Paltrow’s husband Chris Martin was the object of Katy’s lust” at a recent concert where they both performed. Perry “never took her eyes off Chris.” Plus “while they were waiting to go onstage, she kept playing with her dress to get his attention. At her table she was telling friends how ‘yummy’ she thought Chris was.” But Katy may not be a home-wrecker quite yet, as she “was recently spotted partying with The Office‘s B.J. Novak” and “it looked romantic” but “for her sake, let’s hope he’s a 100 percent single — and nice — guy!”

Misc/Etc: “Intimate calendar” “She’s allergic to bras” “Gym muscles are useless and they look stupid.” “chugged her favorite dip” “getting matching spray tans” “existed solely on lettuce, liquids, and pills” “Jonah Hill can at least take comfort in knowing his actual moneyballs weren’t showing” “only allowing herself to swallow the beef’s juices” “I love the naked human body” “These stars are getting revenge on the dudes who did them wrong.” “chicken and pound cake” “it feels like an old lady breast” “those crazy, kooky fantasy suites!” “loves her honkers” “Now girls with curves want to be called meatballs!” “it’s hard not to stare at the hot dancers” “it took a lot of steam and a bottle of tequila to turn on LeAnn Rimes” “As a teen she taped her huge breasts down.”

OK!

Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez: “Just days before Valentine’s Day, adorable Justin Bieber gave equally cute girlfriend Selena Gomez a diamond-studded ‘J’ ring. The couple were also spotted walking arm in arm and enjoying a romantic dinner for two at a Thai restaurant.” An inside source says “It was kind of a pre-engagement ring, really. They’re too young to get married, but they are just head over heels in love with each other and they want to spend the rest of their lives together.” During a January trip to Disneyland the teenybopper king and queen “went on all the rides, got cotton candy and made out.” Sounds pretty killer. So does this: “They are 100 percent monogamous — Justin has girls throwing themselves at him all the time, but they are essentially invisible to him. He never misses an opportunity to tell Selena how beautiful she is.” Yet the squeaky-clean teens “can be a little naughty.”

Misc/Etc: “She’s the most adorable little cookie you’ve ever seen. She looks like she just smoked an exploding cigar.” “Few healthy almost 6-year-olds get carried around as much as I do!” “being on vacation you do things you don’t normally do” “the heir didn’t err” “Harry Potter and the gross party trick” “They’re my coconuts” “leopard print and lace” “She is strong-willed but cuddly” “sucked down the same dark path” “Tareq also claims Neal e-mailed him a photo of his penis.” “coordinate a middle school ping pong league” ” like a dust mop on a leash.” “What about a boy in a pink shirt?” “their fame makes them believe that they, themselves, are a god.” “I recall Katherine Heigl being in a movie about sleeping with an older man when she was about 12.” “has a fresh, unspoiled look” “If you don’t like it, don’t look.” “What are they, you ask, these sneakers with phalanges”

Filed Under: Angelina Jolie, Ben Flajnik, Billy Bob Thornton, Bon Iver, Chris Brown, Christina Aguilera, Drake, Justin Bieber, Katy Perry, Kim Kardashian, Lady Gaga, Molly's Magazines, Reggie Bush, Rihanna, Selena Gomez, Skrillex, The Bachelor

Photo on 2014-01-10 at 12.58 #3

Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

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