Rembert Reviews Obama’s Star-Studded Campaign Contact List

Over a week ago, an exhaustive list of individuals the Obama 2012 campaign hopes will help in some way, shape, or form leaked onto the interwebs. On this list are 194 individuals. Yes, that is a lot of people, but after a thorough examination, it becomes clear that the real beauty lies in the diverse array of humans who made the cut. Just to put it in perspective, if everyone showed up at the same party, it would be the most awkward, almost-200-person gala event in political history. Some of the names included are obvious and others make sense after thinking about it, but a considerable portion will have you wondering why you weren’t invited.

Because of every comical aspect of this document, I simply couldn’t resist the urge to give it the old line-item-veto treatment and give my two cents on each deserving/undeserving weirdo on this list.

The list:

(Parenthetical phrases are the individual’s job title, as described in the document)
(My sassy annotations are in italics. Sassnotations, if you will.)

—–

will.i.am (Musician, Rapper)
Ridiculous, but I guess after that hologram stunt, you have to bring him along.

Jessica Alba (Actress)
The only excuse for this is that Malia just got hooked on Season 1 of Dark Angel. If it’s anything else, I don’t understand.

Madeleine Albright (Former Secretary of State)
Duh.

Laila Ali (Boxer)
No. Joey Fatone did better than her on Dancing With the Stars. No.

Michael Alter (CEO)
$$$$

Odette & Dave Annable (Actors)
One of the girls from Cloverfield and the guy from Brothers and Sisters are married. What. A. Power Couple. If I see them on the campaign trail, Barack, I’m voting for Cain.

Marc Anthony (Singer)
Obviously, he’s the Latin American Prime Minister of Sound.

Arcade Fire (Band)
No. They’re Canadian. Is nothing sacred?

Katherine Archuleta (Political Director)
If she’s related to David Archuleta, no.

India.Arie (Musician)
Really, campaign? India.Arie still gets an invite in 2012? What happened, was Des’ree booked through Thanksgiving?

David Axelrod (Advisor)
OK …

Ernie Banks (Sports Marketing/PR/Former Athlete)
I don’t know why, but I support this so much. Yes.

Sara Bareilles (Musician)
Only if she sings this.

Melody Barnes (Director of the Domestic Policy Council)
Black.

Bob Bauer (Attorney)
Don’t care.

Joel Benenson (Pollster, Political Strategist)
Don’t care.

Jeremy Bird (National Field Director)
Yes, if he promises to stop emailing me every Tuesday at noon.

Dewey Bozella (Boxer)
No. Get Floyd Mayweather and the Money Team instead. But whatever you do, DON’T BRING RAY J. It’s a matter of national security.

Laura Breckenridge (Actress)
Really? A girl who was in three episodes of Gossip Girl got the call? So confused.

Carol Browner (Former Director, Office of Energy and Climate Change)
Don’t care.

Warren Buffett (CEO)
Poor.

Peter Burling (Former State Senator and DNC Member)
Don’t care.

Henry Cardenas (CEO, The Cardenas Marketing Network)
Nice. Just going to name the company after yourself, Henry? Real modest. Get this guy out of here.

Jon Carson (Director of the Office of Public Engagement)
Don’t care.

Vince Carter (NBA Player, Phoenix Suns)
PAUSE. WHAT? HOW? WHY? HUH? TO WHAT EXTENT? This has to be a typo. They must have meant Vince Wilfork? No? Blue Ivy Carter?

Philip E. Carter (Chief Operating Officer)
I still can’t get over Vince Carter. Did they mean Vince Neal? No? The cast of Get Carter?

Shawn (Jay-Z) Carter (Musician)
Only if he brings the baby.

Ron Chatterji (Economist)
Teaches at Duke. No.

Aneesh Chopra (Chief Technology Officer of the United States)
Jon Stewart says he looks like an “Indian George Clooney.” I, on the other hand, simply think he looks like George Clooney because We are the World.

Steven Chu (Department of Energy)
Why?

Jamie Citron (Deputy Director of LGBT)
Yes. And while you’re helping out, make sure to remind Obama to mull over that whole gay marriage stance thing he still hasn’t figured out yet. THX BYE.

Robert Clayton (Attorney)
No.

Max Cleland (Secretary of the American Battle Monument)
Yes. Former Georgia Senator. ATLien. Duh.

Chelsea Clinton (Philanthropist)
Her job title is listed as “philanthropist.” That’s cute. If I’m ever called up off the waiting list, make sure to list me as “CEO, Blockbuster Video.”

George Clooney (Actor/Writer/Director)
No. Already taken.

Bradley Cooper (Actor)
“The Sexiest Man Alive” is always an automatic bid. They had no choice.

Chris Cornell (Musician)
“The Former Lead Singer of Soundgarden” is always an automatic bid. They had no choice.

Pat Cotham (DNC Member)
Whatever.

Counting Crows (Band)
Why bring the whole band? Just call on Adam Duritz. He’s obviously some sort of magical creature, seeing as he tricked Emmy Rossum, Jennifer Aniston, Courtney Cox, Mary-Louise Parker, and Trishelle from Real World: Las Vegas into dating him. Make him Secretary of Trickery.

Robert Cray (Blues Musician)
His last name is “Cray.” That’s cray. Definitely get him on board.

Pat Cunnane (President and CEO of Advanced Sports International)
“Advanced Sports International” sounds like a front for a day spa that’s a front for the mob. So no.

Andrew Cuomo (Governor of New York)
Yes. This guy is my boy.

Richard Daley (Former Mayor of Chicago)
Chitown sticks together, for better or for worse.

William Daley (Outgoing White House Chief of Staff)
See above.

Tim Daly (Actor)
And the list of C-list actors continues. ATTENTION: If you’re trying to get a call from the White House, work on being slightly below-average. If you’re above average at being below average, you’ll get the call.

Anthony David (Musician)
Two first names, no.

Mark Dayton (Minnesota Governor)
A first name followed by a city in Ohio, no.

Donald Dell (Executive)
Tell me you didn’t read this and think about Donald Duck. I know you did. I promise. Yes, get this guy involved.

Nancy Ann DeParle (Deputy Chief of Staff for Policy)
Not interested.

Aisha Dew (Mecklenburg County Democratic Party Chair)
Not on Wikipedia. That means she’s not real.

Shaun Donovan (Secretary of Housing and Urban Development)
Already have one misspelling of “Sean” with Jay-Z. We really don’t need two.

Arne Duncan (Secretary of Education)
Tall. Ethnically ambiguous. Plays basketball. Duh.

Rob Dyrdek (Professional Skateboarder/Producer/Philanthropist)
And the list of philanthropists grows. Also, how are you going to invite Rob and not Big Black? So rude. SO rude.

Megalyn Echikunwoke (Actress)
DAVID PALMER’S DAUGHTER. SEASON 1. 24. YES. PLEASE DON’T INVITE SHERRY.

Bob Elliott (Co-chairman)
Not interested.

Len Elmore (Former NBA Player and Sports Announcer)
Absolutely.

Rahm Emanuel (Chicago Mayor)
BOSS.

Ari Emanuel (Co-CEO of William Morris Endeavor Talent Agency)
As long as he brings Mrs. Ari or Dana Gordon.

Eric Robertson and the Boston Boys (Band)
No. Switch them out for Three 6 Mafia.

David Falk (Sports Agent)
$$$$$$

Fergie (Black Eyed Peas)
The first rule of elementary school is that if you invite some of the group, you have to invite all of the group. How are you going to invite will.i.am and Fergie and not Taboo and apl.de.ap? I bet apl.de.ap is so sad. Poor, poor apl.de.ap.

Giselle Fernandez (Producer)
Okay, sure.

America Ferrera (Actress)
I’m going to name my daughter “America” or “USA” or “This Land Is Your Land” or something, because apparently that’s a sure-fire way to stay influential, forever. There’s no other way to explain why Ferrera is still getting tapped by the President to do things.

Tina Fey (Actress, producer)
YES.

Arnie Fielkow (CEO, National Basketball Retired Players Association)
Obama’s just trying to secure season tickets at every stadium with all of these basketball-related invites. It’s getting ridiculous. But yes, bring him along.

Justin Ford (Veterans director, Truman National Security)
Okay.

Jamie Foxx (Actor)
In my mind, Barack and Michelle watch re-runs of The Jamie Foxx Show in the White House every night. That, and Martin. And Living Single. And In The House. And almost forgot, Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper.

Al Franken (U.S. senator)
Sure, why not.

Patrick Gaspard (Executive director of Democratic National Committee)
Don’t care.

Phillip Gilfus (Attorney)
Double don’t care.

Whoopi Goldberg (Actress, comedienne)
Yes, if only for basketball/Eddie reasons.

Reagan Gomez (Actress)
Hold the phone. Is this the girl from The Parent ‘Hood? Wow. I’m going to need a 5-paragraph essay about how she got an invite, immediately. Wow.

Austan Goolsbee (Economist)
I haven’t thought about The Parent ‘Hood in 8 years, Goolsbee. Did you watch The Parent ‘Hood? Such a throwback. Goolsbee, you’ve got to go back and look it up. Such an average show. Wow, Goolsbee. Wow.

Al Green (Musician)
Reverend Al Green, you have already done your part. Thank you for your service.

Josh Groban (Singer)
No.

Maggie Gyllenhaal (Actress)
So pumped that Jake isn’t invited.

J.I. Halsell (Director of football operations and analytics)
OBAMA LOVES SPORTS. I GET IT.

Tom Hanks (Actor)
Unavoidable.

James Harris (CEO, James Harris Associates)
Am I the only one that thinks naming a company after yourself is extremely uncool? I mean, I understand it’s your company and you can do whatever you want, but why not be creative. James Harris could easily be the CEO of Maverick Iceman Goose Associates. So much cooler.

Neil Patrick Harris (Actor)
Absolutely.

Anne Hathaway (Actress)
Oh, the most overrated human ever? No. Invite the T-Mobile girl instead.

Grant Hill (Basketball player)
Only if Jalen can come. No exceptions.

Nancy Hogshead (Former olympian)
She won three gold medals for America. Duh.

Eric Holder Jr. (U.S. attorney general)
Proud owner of a “Top 5 Black Man Mustache: Living.” He is my hero. This campaign is nothing with him and that long strip of black velcro above his top lip.

Bruce Hornsby (Musician)
Can’t imagine this list without him.

Steven Horsford (State senator leader)
Blah

Robert Housman (Vice president)
Blah

Joie Jacoby (Independent TV producer)
YES. The ULTIMATE Friend of Grantland.

Valerie Jarret (Senior adviser to President Obama)
Love her. Yes.

Jack Johnson (Singer)
Don’t love him. But yes.

Broderick Johnson (Senior campaign adviser)
Not interested.

Nick Jonas (Musician, The Jonas Brothers)
Absolutely not.

Joe Jonas (Musician, The Jonas Brothers)
Definitely yes.

Kevin Jonas (Musician, The Jonas Brothers)
Gametime decision.

Dahntay Jones (Basketball player)
So far, both of the current NBA players are Dukies. Reggie Love, you may be gone, but the spirit of alumni nepotism that you created will never be forgotten.

Michael B. Jordan (Actor)
Pfew. I thought it was the other one for a second. Was about to warn FEMA Wardrobe.

Clark Kellogg (ESPN basketball analyst, former NBA player)
Obama’s basketball whipping boy. Yes.

Joe Kennedy (Head of men’s basketball operations)
Okay.

John Kerry (Massachusetts senator)
This must be a mistake.

Alicia Keys (Musician)
Yes, Mrs. Megaupload has to help out in some way.

Jewel (Musician)
Hahahaha.

Billie Jean King (Former tennis player)
Indifferent.

Ron Kirk (U.S. trade representative)
Whatever.

Amy Klobuchar (Minnesota senator)
One of my favorite senators. Reminds me of a character from a Judy Blume novel.

Brandon Knight (NBA player – Detroit Pistons)
He was born in 1991. NO.

Mila Kunis (Actress)
Get her in the cabinet.

Courtney Kurland (President)
I don’t know who you are and maybe that is my fault, but I am just going to assume that you are not as important as your invite warrants, so no.

Lady Antebellum (Band)
Horrible. Just horrible.

Ray LaHood (Secretary of transportation)
Might name my son LaHood Browne. In other news, I might name my daughter LaHood Browne. So yes.

Lilly Ledbetter
There’s a famous case named after her. I respect that. I hope Brown and Board are also being invited.

John Legend (Musician)
If he brings the lady.

John Leguizamo (Actor, comedian)
There isn’t a lady that warrants this.

Jeffery Lerner (Office of Political Affairs)
Nope.

Adam Levine (Maroon 5 singer)
Double nope.

Blake Lively (Actress)
Triple yes.

Eva Longoria (Actress)
No. Switch her out for Tony Parker.

Mario Lopez (Actor, TV host)
Surprisingly, I like this call.

George Lopez (Comedian)
Unsurprisingly, I hate this call.

Chris Lu (Cabinet secretary)
Don’t care.

Jimmy Lynn (Sports consultant)
Sure, Why not.

Maura Mandt (Producer)
Sure, why not.

Enrique ‘Ricky’ Martin (Musician)
Sure, why not.

Alyssa Mastromonaco (Deputy chief of staff for operations)
Sure, why not.

Corey Mays (ex-NFL player)
Proud member of the 2006 New England Patriots practice squad. Nice, Barack. What, Des’ree was booked through Thanksgiving?

Jason McCall (President, McCall and Associates)
Another one of these companies. So upset.

Audra McDonald (Musician, actress)
She’s awesome. Yes.

Tom McMillen (Homeland Security Capital Corporation)
Seems like a bully. Get. Him. Involved.

Jim Messina (Campaign manager)
Also, please cool it out with the emails. You got my vote man, chill.

Chrisette Michele (Musician)
Yes, and I hope she has a sing-off with Lea Michele.

Lea Michele (Actress-Glee)
Yes, and I hope she loses a sing-off with Chrisette Michele and is fired.

Bette Midler (Singer, actress)
No, but I hope she replaces Ben Folds on The Sing-Off.

Robert ‘Rob’ Miller
Who are you, job title-less, nickname-ladened “Robert Miller”?

Janelle Monae (Musician)
Yes. 100 percent.

James Morin (Attorney)
Whatever.

Alonzo Mourning Jr. (Former basketball player)
Confused, but okay.

Dikembe Mutombo (Former basketball player)
Extremely confused, but okay.

Hamady N’diaye (Basketball player)
Well, at least this makes sense.

Bebe Neuwirth (Actress)
Can’t hurt.

Adewale Ogunleye (NFL player)
I mean, maybe in 2008 I understand this. Maybe.

Eric Christian Olsen (Actor)
I was waiting for a CBS actor. Didn’t think it would be someone from NCIS: LA, was thinking more Without a Trace.

Jen O’Malley Dillon (Deputy campaign manager )
Probably can’t play basketball. So no.

Sarah Jessica Parker (Actress)
No.

Deval Patrick (Massachusetts governor)
Yes.

Ameya Pawar (Alderman 47th Ward, Chicago)
More CHIlluminati.

Federico Pena (Former secretary of transportation)
Okay.

Kal Penn (Actor)
Somehow, this guy is a White House staple. I don’t know how he did it, but he did it, and it’s awesome.

Penn Masala (A capella group)
Oh really, Obama? Penn Masala and not the Sing-Off’s own Dartmouth Aires. This might cost you the election, Barry.

Chris Pine (Actor)
No.

Richard Plepler (Co-president of HBO)
No. They cancelled How To Make It In America.

David Plouffe (Senior White House adviser)
The Legend.

Alfreda Robinson (Associate dean)
Don’t know you, but I love the name Alfreda. So yes.

Peter Rouse (Counselor to the president)
I guess.

Kenneth Salazar (Secretary of the interior)
Only if he wears a bolo tie.

Kathleen Sebelius (Secretary of health and human services)
Only if she wears a bolo tie.

Eric Shinseki (Secretary of Veterans Affairs)
Only if he wears a bolo tie.

David Simas (Obama adviser)
Doesn’t own a bolo tie. So no.

Bobby Rae Simmons aka B.o.B. (Rapper)
No, Barack, no. Switch him out for Young Jeezy and finally admit that he got you elected the first go-round. Just admit it, Barack. It wasn’t you. It was Young. End of story.

Reggie Smith (President, Chicago chapter of NFL Players Association)
I mentioned earlier that Obama wanted NBA season tickets in every stadium. This also applies to football. Dude is trying to HANG OUT once he’s not the president.

Katie Smith (WNBA Player)
Yes.

Emmitt Smith (Former NFL player)
No.

Julianna Smoot (Deputy campaign manager)
I also have email-beef with you. But yes.

Maya Soetero-Ng (President Obama’s half-sister)
I guess.

Hilda Solis (Secretary of labor)
Yes. Hilda is the bomb.

Elena Sotomayor (Vice president, Cardenas Marketing Network)
Why not.

Esperanza Spalding (Musician)
Has to be invited to everything, I’ve decided.

Regina Spektor (Singer)
Yes. I missed you, girl.

Gwen Stefani (Musician)
No. I haven’t missed you, lady.

Gloria Steinem (Feminist)
A must-have.

Mitch Stewart (Political campaign organizer)
Email beef.

Curtis Stigers (Jazz musician)
Sure.

Larry Summers (Former National Economic Council director)
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

James Taylor (Musician)
Bring Carole and I’ll consider it.

The Band Perry (Band)
No.

The Roots (Band)
Only if they become the Obama house band for the next 10 months.

Train (Band)
Only if they refuse any offers to become to Obama house band.

Robert Tuke (Attorney)
No.

Jesse Tyler Ferguson (Actor)
Mitchell. Modern Family. Yes.

Vampire Weekend (Band)
Absolutely. Bring the girl from the Contra cover to all events.

Steven VanRoekel (Chief information officer of the U.S.)
No.

Thomas Vilsack (Secretary of agriculture)
Yes. Love this guy.

Kate Walsh (Actress)
Yes. They need the ginger vote.

Kerry Washington (Actress)
Yes. They need the beautiful, gorgeous, large forehead vote.

Debbie Wasserman Schultz (Congresswoman)
Yes. They need the Florida, crimped hair, potentially gold-toothed vote.

Harvey Weinstein (Producer)
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Denise White (Entertainers and Athletes Group)
Sports related, so obvi.

Buffy Wicks (Operation Vote Director)
Sure. Why not.

Wilco
No. Switch them out for a better Chicago-based band.

Olivia Wilde (Actress)
Wrong Olivia. Get Munn. Always get Munn.

Tristan Wilds
Yes. First Wallace and now Michael. The Wire collective is the most important part of this list.

Rita Williams
No. Wasn’t on The Wire.

Kaye Wilson
Sasha and Malia’s godmother. The only reason I say yes, because she wasn’t on The Wire.

Oprah Winfrey
Blue Ivy Carter’s godmother. The only reason I say yes, because she wasn’t on The Wire.

Ledisi Young
No.

To quote Grantland deputy editor Dan Fierman, “You are REALLY not going to get that job as the campaign’s official blogger now, Rem.”

Yes, Dan. Very true. Can’t win them all.

Filed Under: Arcade Fire, Barack Obama, David Jacoby, Strange Bedfellows, Will.I.Am

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Rembert Browne is a staff writer for Grantland.

Archive @ rembert