Rembert Explains the ’80s: The Super Mario Bros. Super Show

Welcome back to our series Rembert Explains the ’80s. Every so often, we’ll e-mail 25-year-old Rembert Browne a video from the 1980s that he hasn’t seen. Rembert will write down his thoughts as he’s watching it, then we’ll post those thoughts here. This week’s installment was selected by reader Rich Rindone: The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!, Episode 64: “Robo Koopa/Captain Lou Is Missing.” If you have an idea for a future episode of Rembert Explains the ’80s, e-mail us at hollywood@grantland.com.

0:03 Yes, the video game music. I’m so happy.

0:08 Oh, of course there’s a rap. This must be super late in the ’80s. I’m talking “Halloween 1989 is right around the corner what am I going to wear OK I’ll be Bobby Brown but I need to get the haircut first” late-80s.

0:09 Oh, this is also happening:

0:15 I did not think this was going to be a real-people show. Thought it was a cartoon-people show. Interesting.

0:17 Wait, there are cartoons? What? Are the people just the opening? I guess that’s cool.

0:34 REAL PEOPLE AND CARTOON PEOPLE AHHHHHHHHHH

This is going to be a terrifying show. I don’t know if I can handle this.

1:17 So … the radio just announced that Cyndi Lauper made an announcement that some guy name Lou went missing. Also, this took place as “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” was fading out. Slightly confused, but will play along?

1:27 Oh, OK. Cyndi just walked through the door. That makes sense.

1:38 There’s also a real studio audience. And in addition to that, there are sound effects whenever someone does something routine like reach in their pocket and look to the left. Again, interesting.

2:02 It’s a cartoon again. I don’t think I like this back-and-forth.

2:34 This cartoon makes me want to play video games. But I can’t. Because then I’ll get fired because everything falls by the wayside when it’s time for video games. I don’t even have a gaming console anymore, because if I did, I’d just tell people I’d moved out of the country so I could cut off all human interaction and play Crash Bandicoot and Spyro the Dragon for the rest of the decade.

3:00 This cartoon is kinda wack.

3:15 NEVER MIND. Robo Koopa just called princess a “fungus queen.” That’s rude as hell. I’m hooked.

3:45 I’m going to to buy a Nintendo today. This might be my last day at Grantland.

4:01 Where’s Cyndi? I miss the live studio audience and horrible mustaches and accents.

4:20 This is boring again. In other news, I want to watch Johnny Quest. Any iteration.

6:00 I’m listening but I’m no longer watching. I’m on eBay looking for consoles. Do you remember that Lion King game for Sega? Good googly moogly.

10:00 It really ended with the cartoon? No more Cyndi? There has to be more, right? PLEASE?

(Internet search … Internet search … Internet search … Internet victory.)

PART 2

0:02 More cartoons? Come, on life, hook a brother up with some Lauper.

5:30 CYNDI’S BACK.

Is she supposed to be Russian? Talking about Comrades and wearing a beret. AND READING FROM A RED FOLDER. Very interesting, Cyndi.

5:50 Who is this captain Lou and why does everyone care about him? Why is Cyndi making such an impassioned speech? Wait, why is Cyndi on this show? Also, why did I suddenly get so invested in Cyndi Lauper, owner of the second-most unpleasant verse on “We Are the World”? I’m confusing myself.

5:59 Lou Search Central.

This is so weird. Definitely not the good kind.

6:20 Oh, of course. The President of the United States of America just sent a message to Cyndi. About Lou. Of course.

6:30 The search for Lou is off, sayeth the President. Bummer. Huge bummer.

7:17 Wait, did both Luigi and Cyndi just call his brother “MARE-io,” not “MAH-rio”? Has this just ended a two-decade-long argument I’ve been having about the correct way to say it? I can’t believe I’ve been wrong about something for so long. My sincerest apologies to Mario the singer for saying so many rude things about you over the years.

7:30 Oh look, Lou’s back.

Gross. Why on earth would the president be invested in this guy? Great presidential decision on the part of H.W. Bush. “Screw Lou, 1,000 points of Light.”

8:50 Wait, Cyndi and Lou are leaving? Are they an item? Why does she get her own walk-out music whenever she traverses stairs? What on earth is this show?

9:01 Luigi just said “Mar-io.” THE DEBATE CONTINUES. I TAKE BACK MY APOLOGIES, SINGER OF “LET ME LOVE YOU.”


That was one of the worst shows I’ve ever seen. If you hate yourself, watch the closing credits. Only if you really hate yourself, though.

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Rembert Browne is a staff writer for Grantland.

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