Reality Scorecard: Why Won’t Zach and Ashley Score Coitus Points?
You know Conan O’Brien, right? Your “favorite” late-night host whose new show you have never seen? Yeah, that guy. Remember how Conan ends every monologue by saying “We have a great show tonight”? And you always wonder if he really means it? And why he keeps saying it? And how close is he to moving to Idaho to become a farmer because no one watches him on TBS? It’s hard to take him at his word, because not every show has been great. That is how I feel when I write the intros to GRTFL scorecards. So I am going to be honest and tell you that last week’s wasn’t a “great show.” But this week? This week is different.
[Does puppet-string dance, flips hair] “We have a great GRTFL for this week [applause]. From Basketball Wives LA, complete loon and wife of Doug Christie, “Crazy” Jackie Christie is on the show [applause]. She will detail the fall of her Basketball Wives empire and use the word “misconscrewed” at least seven times [applause]. [Licks fingers, adjusts eyebrows] From Real World, the attractive dolts Zach and Ashley are here. They will attempt to explain why they avoid having sex like it will give them rabies [applause]. [Unbuttons, then re-buttons suit jacket] Survivor host Jeff Probst is on the show [applause]. Jeff will detail how this week’s Survivor vaulted him into the play-by-play hall of fame [applause]. We also have a special treat: GRTFL scorekeeper Caitlin Mangum will tell the tale of nightclubbing in Miami with the man, the myth, the worldwide leader in smashing his own head into concrete walls, the Situation! [big applause]. [Does Michael Jackson 360 dance move] On to the top scorers!”
“Crazy” Jackie (Basketball Wives LA, Connor): 25 points. It’s hard out here for a dictator. Like Egypt’s Mubarak, Libya’s Qaddafi, and reality TV’s Paris Hilton, “Crazy” Jackie was so drunk on power that she didn’t foresee her ousting via revolution. Throughout the season of Basketball Wives LA, Jackie has played the role of the elder stateswoman of the clan. Trouble in your marriage? Confide in Jackie. Starting a jewelry line for children? Consult with Jackie. Need a partner for morning cocktails? Call Jackie, she’s already had three. This week, Jackie learned just how volatile the position of power in any social, political, or professional circle can be. The other “wives” gathered to discuss their relationship with “Queen Bee” Jackie and learned that she had been isolating them, lying to them, and turning them against each other. When they confronted Queen “Crazy” Jackie as a group (5 + 5 + 5 verbal fighting points = 15 points), she reacted the only way she knows how — with unfiltered, unadulterated, unbridled crazy talk. This week’s GFTFL Top Five is the top five things that “Crazy” Jackie said that would never come out of the mouth of a non-psychotic person, listed in order from “Meh, that’s not that bad” to “Who is this woman and what does she look like because I need to be on watch at all times”:
- 5. “My daughter hates me. One of them.”
4. “If I am going away, and even if I go for only three days, my hubby is coming.”
3. “I am the first lady of the bleeping league. Period. That’s it. I have been here, done that, 16 or 17 years. You little punks is new to this. I am true to this. You all want to be Jackie Christie but you can’t do what I do, you can’t walk in my shoes.”
2. “You are off the island. I am the island. You know what I mean? I am the main course. You guys are all trying to be in my world.”
1. “I want to take a stone and stone they ass for 15 minutes.”
0. “You are really trying to take this to another level, you lying cows.”
OK, you caught me, I added a sixth. I just had to get “you lying cows” in there somewhere. After watching her try to fight her way out of the emotional corner and seeing how distraught she was about being usurped as the Basketball Wives dictator (5 + 5 crying points = 10 points), I honestly started to feel bad for her. Then I realized that she’d just called herself the main course, and the rest of the women cows, and threatened to take a stone and “stone they ass for 15 minutes.” I stopped feeling bad and started rooting for the other women to drive her into a murderous rampage in which she assaults any attractive female under the age of 30 with the heel of her Louboutin. The NBA owners and players aren’t negotiating about the split of basketball-related revenue in those New York conference rooms. They have that figured out. They’re in there now brainstorming ways to avoid another “Jackie Christie Situation.”
Zach and Ashley (Real World, House and Jacoby): 25 points each. Zach and Ashley refuse to have sex with each other and it’s not innocent or cute. It is annoying and weird. But don’t take my word for it.
- Frank on Zach and Ashley: “The thing about Zach and Ashley is, it is like watching a corny Taylor Swift video unfold. I do not understand why he hasn’t just taken Ashley to Pound Town.” [I have no idea what Pound Town is, but it is now officially part of my everyday vernacular.]
Sam on Zach and Ashley: “Ashley and Zach are not having sex. What I want to know is, why aren’t they?”
And who is most annoyed by this? Ashley.
- Ashley on Zach and Ashley: “I was thinking that with alcohol involved, maybe something would happen, but neither one of us investigated.”
Ashley on Zach and Ashley: “I am not getting laid tonight … but I am horny!”
And why wouldn’t Zach sleep with this woman, whose body is so hot that scientists have taken her DNA so when they figure out human cloning they can give every female her derriere?
- Zach on Zach and Ashley: “Some guys have self-control and are heroes, like me.”
Zach on Zach and Ashley: “Do I want to knock boots? Sure I do, but would a respectful cowboy do that?”
Yes, Zach. A respectful cowboy would do that. At this point your respectful refusal to coitus this woman has been eclipsed by the damage that not-coitusing her has caused. Your not-coitusing Ashley led to Ashley’s crying (5 points) and an argument with Sam/Eminem (5 points).
Listen up, ladies, and learn a trick from your buddy Jacoby: Part of Ashley’s seduction technique involved buying Zach $500 cowboy boots for his birthday. Bad play. The right move would have been to aggressively flirt with his buddies, who were visiting for his birthday. When he feels for one second that you might actually have grown tired of his refusals and moved on, do you know where you are going? Pound Town. I am really digging this whole Pound Town thing. Let’s see if I can work it in again later.
Priscilla (Real World, Simmons): 25 points. Priscilla is a young, tanned, soon-to-be-heavily-tattooed 19-year-old from San Diego. She is very attractive. When you heard her ex-boyfriend was coming to visit, you just assumed he would look like the badass bassist from some Pitchfork buzz band you pretend to be familiar with, and that over the course of their relationship, she played the role of innocent high school sweetheart, oft-cheated-on but happily in denial. When he pulled up on a motorcycle your assumptions were all but confirmed. Then he removed his helmet. Priscilla’s boyfriend, Dylan, just beat Darth Vader in the “most surprised at what was under the helmet” championship. He looked like someone playing a nerd on a UPN sitcom. Pimples, red hair, freckles, no sign of facial hair — the guy was a pair of broken glasses away from a Halloween costume. Somehow this fella Dylan took Priscilla to Pound Town (25 points). Hey, Dylan, propose to this woman before she realizes that 99.5 percent of males are better looking, better hangs, and better lays.
Frank (Real World, Connor): 20 points. Frank, who is “curbing his drinking” at the insistence of his therapist, cried when his boyfriend, Michael, left the house (20 points). I can’t wait until the inevitable episode in which Frank ushers this relationship to a dramatic close with a drunken rampage. Getting into a relationship with Frank is like building your dream house at the base of a live volcano — great until you have to run for your life.
Whitney (Survivor, Connor): 10 points. Is it me or do women from the south crank up the ol’ southern accent when their backs are to the wall? At tribal this week, Whitney realized she would soon be voted off, so she not only turned up the accent but brought on the tears, as well (5 + 5 = 10 points). If any female stranger with a southern accent and tears streaming down her face asked me for a kidney on the street, in less than 40 minutes I’d be on an operating table.
Sam (Real World, Lane): 5 points. During Sam’s argument with Zach (5 points), Zach started pointing at Sam and yelling in his best “tough guy” voice, “Whatchu gonna do? Whatchu gonna do?” Everyone who’s ever seen 10 minutes of WWF wrestling fully expected him to tear his shirt off and finish with, “When Hulkamania runs wild on you?” Mind you, Zach is a 6-foot-4 football star and Sam is a petite lady who resembles Eminem. Quite a “respectful cowboy,” that Zach.
Draya, Malaysia, and Laura (Basketball Wives LA, various GRTFL teams): 5 points. Nothing brings a group of Basketball Wives together quite like their mutual hatred of another Basketball Wife. After these ladies toppled the “Crazy” Jackie empire (5 points apiece), Malaysia addressed the group with an old reality TV staple: “Through it all, I mean, we may argue and bicker and fight, and we have been through hell and back, but we still have each other’s backs and it made me trust you guys even more.” Mind you, earlier this season Malaysia attempted to kill Laura with a high heel. In my book, that is not “having each other’s backs.” But I probably just have it “misconscrewed.”
Sophie (Survivor, Jacoby): 0 points. Sophie negated the 10 vomit points she earned by putting flair on her vote card (-10 points). However, her performance in the challenge added Jeff Probst’s call to the list of epic play-by-play calls in the history of sport. In the pantheon of historic play calls — right alongside “Down goes Frasier,” “Steal by Bird,” and “Do you believe in miracles?” — will be Jeff Probst’s call of Sophie in the challenge. Notice how he dramatically builds and releases tension to the audience: “Sophie almost vomiting … Sophie almost spitting it up … Oooooooooh, Sophie can’t keep it down!” Take that, Vin Scully.
And now, in lieu of this week’s message board, I would like to introduce Grantland Reality TV Fantasy League super-scorer Caitlin Mangum, with a tale to tell about a recent encounter with the one, the only, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino.
Caitlin Mangum: Having watched every episode of Jersey Shore, keeping track of every boob adjustment and grenade smush for the GRTFL, I thought I knew more about the cast than even they did. But after a chance run-in with the Situation last weekend, I realized that he was far from what I expected.
I was at LIV nightclub in South Beach last Saturday night. At some point, my friend Lauren and I wandered past the bouncers and into the VIP area, where she chatted up a man claiming to be the club owner. After a few minutes, he asked us if we wanted to meet “Mike.”
“Mike who?” Lauren asked.
“Mike from Jersey Shore,” he replied.
“Is that that Pauly D guy?” (I know. I need new friends.)
With that, the “club owner” grabbed Lauren’s hand and led us to the Situation’s table.
Some immediate takeaways upon meeting the Situation: First, the man is pretty unassuming. At 5-foot-11 I’m no waif, but I had several inches on the Sitch. Second, considering the Jersey Shore boys spend so much time talking about GTL, I was surprised Mike wasn’t bigger. I am not one to swoon over an oversize triceps muscle, but I thought I would at least be mildly impressed.
Anyway, bottle service was flowing, and while I was eager to sip some Situation-endorsed protein vodka, there was none in sight. So we had to settle for champagne and Belvedere. Mike was surrounded by an entourage of graphic-tee-wearing guys, who seemed happy to step in to pinch-hit after the Situation had taken the at-bat with every female who wandered over.
All of that said, not only was the Situation very nice, but he did not speak in the guido puns and pickup lines I expected. Rather, he chatted for a few minutes about how he was on vacation in Miami for a few weeks and how much he enjoyed meeting fans. Fist-pumping was kept to a minimum, and he mostly just danced in place.
Eventually it turned into four in the morning, and the scantily clad table dancers were replaced by a dancing Smurf (seriously, full Smurf costume), so Lauren and I decided to make our way home. As we left, I texted some of my friends to tell them about my run-in with Jersey Shore’s favorite battering ram. Each wrote back immediately and asked me if the Sitch had tried to pick me up. The answer, somewhat embarrassingly, was no. Should I take offense to the fact that Mike did not try to lure me back for a late-night hot tub? Oh well. I went home and cooked my own five-course meal with the comfort of knowing I didn’t have to schedule an emergency OB/GYN appointment in the morning.
Previously: Reality Scorecard: Worst Real World Cast Ever?
Reality Scorecard: Not With a Bang But With a Smush
Six Ways to Fix Jersey Shore
Reality Scorecard: Snooki’s Crying Game
Reality Scorecard: Snooki’s Wilt Chamberlain Night
Reality Scorecard: Meatball Sandwich