Reality Scorecard: Pregnancy Scare!
Real World is back and Bunim Murray and MTV have poured another round of that familiar Real World cocktail: Mix one part big house, two parts frat boy, two parts female eye-candy, two parts sexual ambiguity, and one part ethnic ambiguity, and voilà, Real World: San Diego. So of course, in time that should probably have been spent doing real work, we created rules and drafted the cast onto our teams (see below). Then we sat back and watched as Real World‘s Frank attempted to crazy his is way to the top of the GRTFL leader board. Stay in your lane, Frank — the top of the leader board is meatball territory, at least until you have a pregnancy scare of your own. To be fair, though, your reasons for suspecting a pregnancy would probably be better than Deena’s.
Real World Rules
- Hooking up with a roommate on the first episode: 20 points per roommate (in addition to any kissing or coitus points)
- Being lectured about hygiene or cleanliness: 20 points
- Boasting about having masturbated: 10 points
- Borrowing a condom: 10 points
- Hooking up with members of two different sexes in one episode: 25 points
- Hooking up with a member of the production crew: 50 points
- Playing an awkward game of billiards with someone you’ve cuckolded: 50 points
- Being ejected from the San Diego Zoo, SeaWorld or Legoland: 100 points
- Getting handcuffed on-camera: 35 points
- Being the cause of a visit from any vehicle with sirens: 35 points
- Throwing a punch that gets freeze-framed as the final shot of an episode: 35 points
- Making an Anchorman reference: -5 points
- Making an Anchorman reference that includes the words “Stay Classy, San Diego”: -10 points
- Nearly drowning in a sailing or surfing accident: 50 points
- Quitting during a surf lesson: 10 points
- Parent intoxication: 15 points (for roommate)
- Hooking up with a player from the San Diego Chargers: 100 points
- Hooking up with a Padre: -25 points
- Suggesting a trip to Tijuana: 20 points
- Actually going on a Tijuana trip: 20 points
- Driving the car to Tijuana: 5 points
- Getting lost during a Tijuana trip: 50 points
- Customs trouble at the Mexican border: 30 points per person
- Leaving the show for dubious personal reasons, then returning later: 25 points
Real World Draft Results
- 1. Connor Schell (Who We Thought They Were): Frank
2. Bill Simmons (The Right Reasons): Priscilla
3. Jay Caspian Kang (Fraudulent Coitus): Nate
4. David Jacoby (Blanket Coverage): Ashley
5. House (The Fantashiques): Zach
6. Lane (The Blurcle Jerks): Sam and Alexandra
Deena (Jersey Shore, Jacoby): 60 points. “The whole time I’ve been here I’ve been emotional and stuff, and I feel like that’s a sign of being pregnant.” Ladies and gentlemen, the GRTFL has its first pregnancy scare (50 points). Deena isn’t exactly a fertility doctor. She explains to JWoww that she thinks she’s pregnant because she had sex, is emotional (10 crying points), and gets dizzy from time to time. There’s a good chance Deena just momentarily confused “pregnant” with “drunk.” I hope this catches on like “GTL” did, and every Thursday frat boys across the country start their night by declaring, “Bros, its been a tough week for all of us — lets go out tonight and get pregnant!”
Frank (Real World, Connor): 55 points. The first half of the Real World premiere is like the first few days of freshman year in college. Everyone does everything they can to project themselves as the person they want to be instead of who they really are. With your fresh wardrobe, embellished backstory, and a new pronunciation of your name (“It’s not Dave, it’s David”), you keep up the charade for about four days before reverting back to your real self. Same thing happens on Real World.
Frank arrived at the house with crazy printed shirts, a slightly gay twang, and a “let’s just party and have fun” attitude. He casted himself as the zany bisexual guy that everyone loves to be around, acting all “Look at me, girls, I’m naked in the shower with you” (20 points) and “Hey, bros, which girl do you think is the hottest?” It worked until he went to the nightclub and became the subject of a “Buckle up, this guy drinks a lot” montage, in which we saw him pouring, drinking, or toasting many glasses of alcohol in 10 seconds (5 intoxication points). It happens every season. In his inslopsicated state, he couldn’t keep up the “zany fun guy” act and he turned into Frank, the creepy drunken stalker guy. I think we will see a lot of this Frank this season. He was called a gay slur by some large-breasted bottle-service vultures, so he screamed, “You’re a piece of trash!” at them seven or eight thousand times until security restrained him (5 verbal fighting points plus 25 being-restrained-by-security points). Then, back at the house, he accosted Alexandra, inquiring about Byron, her “soulmate” back home, and asking, “Am I not cute enough? What’s the deal?” He then spiraled so deep into self-loathing that nobody at the house even tried to console him. There’s no doubt Frank is going to Score the GRTFL’s first “getting kicked out of SeaWorld” points, and he has a pretty good chance at losing points for hooking up with a Padre.
Brandon (Survivor, Lane): 45 points. Brandon Hintz has that crazy look in his eye. I can’t tell if it’s an “I killed five people and they haven’t found the bodies yet” look or an “I come off as crazy, but the truth is there just isn’t much going on upstairs” look, but he’s crazy-faced, for sure. This week he cried (20 points) because he’d violated his pre-stated religious beliefs (25 points), summing up the fiasco thusly:
- “I should have been able to control myself. And I didn’t. I failed. I just let my flesh get ahold of me and I struggle everyday. This is like a content battle for me — good, evil, good, evil …”
Not something you want to hear from a man with whom you’re being forced to live with in the jungle.
Snooki (Jersey Shore, Lane): 30 points. Do you remember the first episode of Jersey Shore when Snooki got drunk and slutty and the rest of the house ostracized her? Then they eventually came around, fell in love with her, and began to treat her like a mascot? She’s cast the same spell over the world. A former punchline is now an animal-print-wearing symbol of the formality-lacking, humility-less, un-self-aware person in all of us. That’s why it’s been so hard to see our little mascot go through this breakup with Jionni. She cried four times this week (20 points), unintentionally exposed herself (5 points), and argued with JWoww (5 points). She also touched our hearts with this drunken kitchen table monologue:
- “Im just a bleeping loser. I need to change myself to get married, I swear. No one can bleeping handle me. I hate myself. I hate the bleep who I am.”
We can handle you, Snooki. We don’t hate who you are — we love you. However, you might need to change just a little, since none of us want to marry you. Right now, we mostly want to laugh at you on Jersey Shore. Sorry, babe.
Draya (Basketball Wives LA, Jacoby): 30 points. Oh, Draya, Draya, Draya, how hard it must be to be so beautiful. You have a been gifted and cursed. Your looks will give you power over men but will be your downfall among the Basketball Wives, who see themselves, 15 years and three kids ago, in you. With Draya around other older Basketball Wives, simple conversations turn to arguments (5 verbal fighting points) and casual MMA training sessions turn into life-threatening pummelings (25 physical-fighting points).
In the big human factory in the sky, everyone receives the same total number of human-attribute points, but in different allotments. In this human factory, Laverne and Shirley work the assembly line, creating people with their own unique advantages and disadvantages. Humans’ positive and negative attributes always net zero, save for a few terrible exceptions (see Madoff, Bernie) and wonderful ones (see Markie, Biz) who result when Laverne and Shirley are careless. When they put all of Draya’s human points in the “beauty” category, they didn’t have any left over for “intelligence” or “communication.” This week’s GRTFL Top 5 is a countdown of the Draya quotes that show just badly Laverne and Shirley screwed up when they made Draya.
- 5. “Oh my god, there is poles! I told you, I knew there was poles in here.” (If your daughter is ever this excited to see a stripper pole, you’ve done a poor job raising her.)
4. “My invitation was not a proper invitation. I don’t know how she invited you, but I just got a phone call and I got asked to dance at her wedding. Like, I think she thought I was a professional dancer.” (Draya, she wanted you to strip at her wedding.)
3. “I am like Goldilocks and I keep showing up at the picnic with the picnic basket, but I forget I’m having a picnic with these grizzly bears.”
2. “You could probably spin more on it, like spin for a long time.” (She takes a little too much pleasure in having a stripping protégé.)
1. “Let’s get right to it. The reason I wanted to meet you here is basically because I was hearing some things and I was feeling some kinda way about some certain events.” (Thanks for getting right to it, Draya. Now everything is out in the open.)
Vinny (Jersey Shore, Simmons): 30 points. It’s been so long since Vinny scored any points that I forgot how to he spells his name. This week he got on the board by setting up a “prank that isn’t really a prank” (10 points) and unleashing his legendary manhood (20 intentional nudity points) on an unsuspecting Deena. In the real world, this might be considered a sex crime, but on Jersey Shore it’s just another prank that isn’t a prank.
Laura (Basketball Wives LA, House): 25 points. First, the producers had them go paint-balling and now they have them fight each other MMA style (25 physical-fighting points). The finale of Basketball Wives LA will be pretty much like The Running Man, but one in which Arnold Schwarzenegger has a designer handbag, weave, and heels.
Priscilla and Nate (Real World, Bill and Jay): 25 points each. These two had a curious story line this week that presented viewers with a dilemma: Is Nate an inappropriately aggressive kisser? Or was Priscilla playing victim after a consensual but regrettable snog with a roommate? No cameras were present when the two started swapping saliva (5 open-mouth kissing points plus 20 first-episode hookup points), so making a ruling is difficult here, but we did see them abruptly stop kissing when Priscilla asked Nate, “Can we just, like, chill?”
No woman has ever stopped kissing George Clooney to ask, “Can we just, like, chill?” [gavel noise] I rule in favor of the prosecution. Nate from Real World, you are an inappropriately aggressive kisser and are hereby sentenced to a lifetime of women thinking you’re a creep before you even start speaking to them. Sorry, buddy.
Malaysia (Basketball Wives LA, Simmons): 20 points. Malaysia plugged her children’s jewelry line (20 points for plugging an entrepreneurial venture). If that works out, she’s going to move on to her next project, becoming a cadaver masseuse.
Imani (Basketball Wives LA, Jay): 13 points. After “Crazy” Jackie Christie’s sixteenth wedding to Doug Christie, Imani had a few too many (8 intoxication points), broke down in tears (5 crying points), and announced, “I gave all my love to the wrong person.” In her defense, how could she have known Stephen Jackson was not the right person? It’s not like he charged into the stands and attacked innocent basketball fans, was involved in a firefight outside of a strip club, and proposed to Imani then didn’t marry her for nine years. Oh, wait. It is like that. Exactly like that. My bad, Imani.
Ashley (Real World, Jacoby): 10 points. Ashley is the saddest kind of aspiring model (10 career-plugging points). She isn’t the “Wow, you are absolutely stunning! How have you not been discovered yet?” kind of model. She’s the “I was the cutest girl in my small high school and everyone said I should be a model” aspiring model. She’s about six months away from wearing a thong and hearing a photographer say thing like, “Don’t sit on the motorcycle, Ashley — mount it like a lover you haven’t seen in years.” Poor girl doesn’t even see it coming.
Papa Bear (Survivor, House): 10 points. Again, Papa Bear, you cannot make up your own nickname, you just can’t. I want to love you, Papa Bear. You’re a former New York cop, a level-headed guy, and you’re super adorable when you awkwardly sprint off into the jungle to fake possession of the immunity idol (10 points). But I just can’t co-sign anyone who makes up his own nickname. I hope you get voted off. Sorry, Papa Bear.
“Crazy” Jackie (Basketball Wives LA, Connor): 5 points. “Crazy” Jackie confronted Draya (5 points) about not attending her wedding. Something tells me show was not as upset about Draya not being there as much as basketball husbands Matt Barnes and Doug Christie were.
Semhar (Survivor, Kang): 5 points. The only thing I hate more than spoken-word poets is their poetry. As Semhar was preparing to take part in the challenge on Survivor, she felt the need to break into some of her “spoken-word art”:
- “There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for this man,
I would even take off my clothes and give him a private show,
To the tunes of his soul because he is all that and more,
I would give birth to ten of his children without using drugs to ease the pain,
And even have one more just because our love is that insane,
There is not one thing I would not do for my lover, my best friend, my honey, my boo,
I can’t wait to meet him”
Semhar, do you hear the tune of my soul? It’s a song called “I Hate Spoken Word Poetry and Hope You Get Voted Off Survivor.” I’m not positive, but I think John Lennon wrote it during the acid years.
Mikayla (Survivor, Jacoby): 5 points. Mikayla, don’t get so bent out of shape (5 crying points) when Brandon verbally attacks you on Survivor. If the reality TV thing doesn’t work out, you can always strap on a garter belt and shoulder pads and return to the Tamba Bay Breeze.
JWoww (Jersey Shore, Connor): 5 points. While JWoww was on the phone with Jionni as he fled Italy, she broke out an old trick that all women have mastered — if you want a man to do something, just fake cry. She got her Meryl Streep tears going (5 crying points) and suddenly Jionni and Snooki were attempting reconciliation. If there is such thing as a lie-detector test, there should also be a cry-detector test. That machine would save men around the world from being guilted into doing things against their will.
Previously: Reality Scorecard: Snooki’s Wilt Chamberlain Night
Reality Scorecard: Meatball Sandwich
Reality League Scorecard: Off the Wall
Reality League Scorecard: Climb Every Mountain
Reality League Scorecard: The Situation Goes Twinning
Grantland’s Reality TV Fantasy League: The Complete Rules and Draft Results