Reality League Scorecard: Off the Wall
This week we added the basketball “wives” of Basketball Wives LA to the GRTFL mix. If you’ve never seen this show, you (a) are not a self-actualized human being, or (b) must not be “classy.” We drafted these women who may or may not be married to NBA players but presumably slept with about a dozen of them:
1. Jay Caspian Kang: Imani Showalter (Steven Jackson’s ex-fiancée)
2. David Jacoby: Draya Michele (“history of dating players”)
3. Bill Simmons: Malaysia Pargo (Jannero Pargo’s wife)
4. Connor Schell: “Crazy” Jackie Christie (Doug Christie’s wife)
5. Joe House: Laura Govan (?)
6. Lane Brown: Kimsha Artest (“partner” of Ron Artest Metta World Peace)
7. Lane Brown: Gloria Govan (fiancée of Matt Barnes)
But none of this matters right now because of what the Situation did on Jersey Shore.
Ronnie (Jersey Shore, House): 90 points. People throw the word “unbelievable” around too liberally. It’s actually very easy to believe a Kanye West performance, the view from Runyon Canyon, or the mac and cheese at Freemans. But what happened this week on Jersey Shore — that was unbelievable.
Facing an attack by the Jersey Shore house’s (allegedly) chemically enhanced silverback gorilla Ronnie, the Situation turned, ran full speed into a concrete wall, and smashed his head on it. The man intentionally hit his head on a concrete wall and concussed himself. (Read that last sentence a second time, please.) Then, semiconscious on the floor, he grabbed a pillow and held it up to his forehead. Too late for head protection, Sitch, you just Zidaned a prison wall. Then Ronnie, confused, tackled a woozy Situation (25 points), threw some unimpressive punches, and was restrained by security (25 points).
Ronnie was oddly affected by the fact that Sitch tried to give his skull a new shape with a concrete wall. He went on to verbally fight with Sammi (5 points), threaten to leave the show (15 points), and cry into the insect arms of JWoww (20 points). Ronnie, don’t take it so hard — this just opens the door for the return of your way-more-fun Black Spider-Man true self, Single Ronnie.
The Situation (Jersey Shore, Jay): 70 points. The man smashed his head against a concrete wall. Intentionally. Hard. After the fight (25 + 25 points), he spent some teary alone time (20 points) in the house thinking about how little his “family” cared about his injuries.
I watched it seven times, spent six days thinking about it, and still don’t understand what would cause a man to try to give himself a skull fracture like this. Here are the top five reasons I could come up with, listed in order of probability:
5. The least plausible explanation is the one Mike himself gave. He explained to Ronnie that, in a previous fight with another intimidating opponent, he smashed his head through a wall and thus avoided a confrontation. Let’s imagine a parallel universe in which this actually happened. In that universe, do you think he would ever go back to the “smash my head through a wall to avoid a fight” well? Did he make a mental note after it happened? “Wow, that worked like a charm. I’ll have to remember to break that out again in a pinch.” No, not even in that universe does this make sense.
4. It was a legitimate suicide attempt. Maybe this should be higher than no. 4.
3. Ronnie was blocking the door. Mike was so terrified by the huffing, bulging silverback before him that he decided his only chance for escape was to break through the wall and leave a Situation-sized hole behind him, like Daffy Duck.
2. When faced with violence, he reverted to the lessons he learned as a kid in karate class. However, due to his schedule being packed with haircuts, mani-pedis, and nightclub appearances, he only made it to the class where they broke wooden planks with head-butts. So when he pulled his mental karate file, all that was in it was “How to break stuff with head.”
1. He’s an idiot.
The Wall (Jersey Shore, undrafted): 50 points. When I reached out to the Wall for comment, I received this statement from the Wall’s handlers:
“C’è stato di recente uno sfortunato incidente che coinvolge me e un giovane di nome Michael Sorrentino. Mr. Sorrentino mi ha attaccato e sono stato costretto a difendermi. Non da quando il grande Marco Materazzi è stato un italiano così brutalmente e ingiustamente attaccatiin questo modo. E ‘stato portato alla mia attenzione che ho segnato 50 punti questa settimana nella tua “GRTFL” per la lotta fisica e vincereuna battaglia decisiva. Non ho alcun interesse a partecipare al vostro ‘campionato fantasia.’ Inoltre, informi il compagno di stanza grandepetto che sembra una mantide religiosa al testo me.”
(Translation: “There was recently an unfortunate incident involving myself and a young man by the name of Michael Sorrentino. Mr. Sorrentino attacked me and I was forced to defend myself. Not since the great Marco Materazzi has an Italian been so viciously and unjustly attacked in such a manner. It has been brought to my attention that I scored 50 points this week in your ‘GRTFL’ for physical fighting and decisively winning a fight. I have no interest in participating in your ‘fantasy league.’ Also, please tell the large-breasted roommate who looks like a praying mantis to text me.”)
Malaysia (Basketball Wives LA, Simmons): 45 points. Bulls point guard Jannero Pargo averages 6.6 points a game. His wife, Malaysia Pergo, averages 45. After plugging her jewelry line for kids early (10 points), Malaysia finished with an assault-request and physical-fight combination (10 + 25 points) as she defended herself from Laura’s rhino charge. She also taught a great lesson to future generations of basketball wives: Removing one’s heels while being assaulted gives you both better balance to deflect the charges of oncoming basketball wives and two stabbing utensils. It is important to pass lessons like this on to aid the evolution of basketball wives.
Melissa (Bachelor Pad, Lane): 30 points. You will be missed, Melissa. The GRTFL just won’t be the same without your overtweezed eyebrows, delusional attachments to men that you just met, and your patented “cry, threaten to leave, cry, then cry again” combination (30 points). As Melissa weeps in the back of the limo, you can’t help but wonder what awaits her at the end of that road. One can only assume she goes back to her job as a waitress, throws an apron on, cries, falls in love with first customer she sees, cries when he leaves, threatens to quit, doesn’t quit, falls in love with sous chef, then attempts suicide when she sees him talking to the hostess. If anyone lives in Boca Raton, please do some reconnaissance to confirm that this plays out every day like I assume it does.
Laura (Basketball Wives LA, House): 25 points. Laura scored 25 points for attacking Malaysia and justified her appearance on the show thusly: “There was a rumor I was sleeping with someone famous.” The identity of that celebrity was never revealed, but he’s more than 7 feet tall, not known for his ball handling, and has a name that rhymes with Maquille O’Beal.
Sammi (Jersey Shore, House): 20 points. Sammi killed Single Ronnie, the most enjoyable character in television history, when she roped him back into the least enjoyable relationship in television history. I heard she got in two verbal fights (10 points) and cried twice (10 points), but I can’t be sure because I continue to boycott her camera time in mourning of Single Ronnie. However, the events of this episode leave the door open for the return of our old friend. If Zombie Single Ronnie comes back from the dead next week, I am going to draft him and try to get him away from House on a technicality. I have already lawyered up.
William (Bachelor Pad, Simmons): 20 points. William cried (20 points) when he was voted off. As a guy who has logged plenty of frequent crier miles himself, it’s hard to make fun of a fellow tear-dropper. Unless it’s Michael Lohan. Then it’s supereasy.
Blake (Bachelor Pad, Simmons): 15 points. Blake won the kissing challenge (10 points) and took Michael’s ex-fiancé Holly on the reward date on which they kissed (5 points). Watching two hours of kissing this week on Bachelor Pad really makes you wonder how it became the go-to move for romantic affection. “I like you. Oh, you like me, too? Cool, let’s smash our faces together, move our heads around, and lick each other’s tongues.”
Ella (Bachelor Pad, Connor): 15 points. Ella had a kiss on a date (5 points) and won the kissing challenge (10 points) that is now an annual Bachelor Pad tradition in which the entire cast kisses everyone of the opposite sex. Another annual Bachelor Pad tradition is the entire cast appearing in interviews in the following episode with lip herp.
Holly (Bachelor Pad, Lane): 10 points. Holly can’t decide which fauxhawked bro is her reality TV soul mate. She has a classic female conundrum that has played itself out the same way since the dawn of time. She could pick (a) Michael, the nice guy who is head-over-heels in love with her, or (b) Blake, the hot guy who tongues down every chick he makes eye contact with. Of course she chooses Blake (5 kissing points), and cries about it (5 points). Next week, we find out whether Michael loses the battle for his ex-fiancé and if his fauxhawk loses the battle to cover his receding hairline.
Draya, Basketball Wives LA, Jacoby): 10 points. All the beautiful butterflies known as basketball wives were once caterpillars known as “groupies.” When a “groupie” gets engaged to a professional athlete, the metawhorphosis process begins. The groupie wraps herself in a cocoon of hair weave and emerges as a true basketball wife. Even though, prior to metawhorphosis, they were once groupies, basketball wives detest groupies. When Draya was questioned by Gloria, she made the mistake of mentioning her modeling career (10 points), and that was all Gloria needed to label her a groupie. Gloria will now spend the rest of the season doing whatever it takes to ensure that Draya does not get engaged and begin metawhorphosis.
Gloria (Basketball Wives LA, Lane): 10 points. Gloria went to acting class (10 points for plugging an acting career) and rehearsed Shakespeare’s As You Like It. I think the producers were planning on featuring a basketball wife ironically performing the “All the world’s a stage” speech on a reality show, but reconsidered when they realized the only people who know Shakespeare and watch Basketball Wives are themselves and Phil Jackson.
JWoww (Jersey Shore, Connor): 10 points. JWoww had a cry (5 points) and a verbal fight (5 points), then gave the most ridiculous sound bite since the last Allen Iverson press conference:
- “I don’t want that bleeping kid to die. I don’t want him to die.”
JWoww, he hit his head. He is not going to die.
Pauly (Jersey Shore, Jacoby): 5 points. The language barrier can be tricky in foreign lands. While in the club, a local man went up to Pauly and said, “Che Cosa?” seven or eight times. Pauly took this as an insult and tried to fight the man (5 points). Which is too bad, because, really, the man was only trying to invite DJ Pauly D for a cup of coffee at this lovely coffee shop in Mount Clemens, Michigan.
Snooki and Deena (Jersey Shore, Lane and Jacoby): 5 points. Snooki and Deena cried (5 points) and timed it well, because it looked like they were crying about Situation’s going to the hospital, but really they were crying because they ran out of wine, didn’t have sex with anyone that night, and realized they weren’t going to get any camera time.
Kirk (Bachelor Pad, Kang): 5 points. There’s a guy named Kirk on this show? (5 kissing points)
Vienna and Michelle (Bachelor Pad, Kang): 5 points. Wait, what? Vienna and Michelle scored only 5 crying points each this week? And they’re on the same team? If you don’t watch this show, you can’t understand how improbable this is. The chances have to be one in a billion. This is like LeBron James and Dwyane Wade being on the same team with a 1-0 lead in the NBA Finals and los… Oh, wait. Bad example.
Jackie (Basketball Wives LA, Connor): 5 points. Jackie kicked off her season with 5 points for questioning Tanya’s “class.” Keep in mind that Jackie once came down from the stands to assault Rick Fox with her purse. Class personified.
Vinny (Jersey Shore, Simmons): 2.5 points. Vinny wore sunglasses at the club (2.5 points) and said this about Ronnie’s true essence:
- “When he is dating Sam, he flips out and turns into another person, and then says he is sorry. But that doesn’t make it OK. You have to fix the problem.”
Ronnie, listen to the “Dr. Phil of the house.” Fix the problem! That “other person” you turn into is “Ronnie,” and you really are “Single Ronnie.” There comes a time in everyone’s life when you find out who they really are. This is that time, “Ronnie.” Now get out there and start spreading some STDs.
Bill Simmons (The Right Reasons): Somehow Jay Kang ended up with another no. 1 overall supplemental pick in the GRTFL. That makes three if you’re scoring at home. Jay turned out to be the smartest guy in this league — he picked an absolute shitshow of a team, struggled to pass zero total points for the first three weeks, then convinced his good buddy Lane to just keep feeding him no. 1 overall picks until he could right the ship. Meanwhile, I absolutely nailed my draft, nailing my no. 1 overall pick (Adam Royer, who had our only triple-figure week), handcuffing Amy Fisher with her cocaine-jaw tormenter Steven Adler, picking Bachelorette runner-up/erection-concealer Ben Flajnik, and somehow landing the two winners of Love In The Wild (two people I can’t name because, like everyone else on the earth, I didn’t watch the show). Add everything together and it was a Belichickian performance. It was so good that, just like with Belichick, other teams could only bring me down by accusing me of cheating; all that was missing were the 15 Gregg Easterbrook attack columns blaming me for ruining the integrity of reality fantasy leagues.
Don’t worry, everyone — my run is coming to an end. With my initial class of all-star picks gone, I’m stuck with the half-eaten carcass of a “here’s what you get for picking in the back of two supplemental drafts” roster. My best hope to stay atop the standings? Somebody who’s married to Jannero Pargo. Jannero Pargo! Note to self: Become better friends with Lane. And soon. Unrelated: Situation vs. Ronnie was the single biggest letdown since Teri Hatcher went topless in Heaven’s Prisoners.
David Jacoby (Blanket Coverage): After serious consideration and internal turmoil, I have decided not to include Bravo’s The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills in the GRTFL. You see, the Real Housewives franchise is like heroin. I have never tried heroin because I am positive I would like it. I bet heroin is a good time. Such a good time that you’d want to do it again and again and again until you’ve sold your last pair of socks and are performing sexual favors for businessmen in alleyways. I do not mean to make light the seriousness of heroin addiction — I mean to respect it.
I enjoy The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills too much. And Bravo doesn’t mess around with these shows either. They stagger them so half the time there are two running concurrently. And they have the Andy Cohen Watch What Happens after shows. It would be a mess. Including the Real Housewives in the GRTFL would inevitably lead to me explaining to Dr. Drew how I became addicted to Bravo programming. Nobody wants that.
Jay Caspian Kang (Fraudulent Coitus): The wall might have knocked out the Snitch-uation, but the biggest loser in that confrontation was Ronnie. We’ve all put up with this Sammi nonsense because we know that at some point, Ronnie is going to go Ron-Dog on somebody’s face. The fact that he got upstaged by a wall and then retreated to the comforts of Sammi’s arms … Well, a special place in hell, amico mio.
Speaking of special place in hell, on Project Runway, Bert discussed being old, frowned a lot, talked to his family via some useless HP Skype-lite technology … AND COMPLETELY REDEEMED HIMSELF! Runway, more than any other reality show, puts you through giant swings of emotion. For example, Viktor Luna, the oft-bow-tied designer whose face sags like a used coffee filter, was one of my favorites during Weeks 1 and 2. But after last week’s “win” (it doesn’t count if it’s a team effort), he’s been insufferably bitchy, bow-tied, and generally unfunny. Which brings me to a larger point — just because you’re bitchy, on Project Runway and have mean opinions, doesn’t mean that you automatically get to play the “funny, bitchy guy.” I’m the second-shortest guy on the Grantland basketball team (Lane Brown is 5-1). That doesn’t mean that I should automatically suit up at the two and shoot the majority of our team’s 3-pointers, right?
Lane Brown (The Blurcle Jerks): Five points? Am I really going to make it through an entire season of Jersey Shore without scoring any hookup or STD-scare points? Snooki, you’re an embarrassment to yourself and the Blurcle Jerks. GRTFL owners: Does anyone have a problem with my trading her for Jionni and Situation’s neck brace? Also, Jay Kang is 4-8.
Note: This is our last post of the week. Happy Labor Day! We’ll be back on Tuesday.
Previously: Reality League Scorecard: Climb Every Mountain
Reality League Scorecard: The Situation Goes Twinning
Grantland’s Reality TV Fantasy League: The Complete Rules and Draft Results
Reality Fantasy League Jersey Shore Supplemental Draft: Rules and Results
Reality League Scorecard: J.P. Wins The Bachelorette, But Scores 70 Points, At Least