Reality Fantasy Scorecard: When You Absolutely, Positively Have to Pee on the Dance Floor
This GRTFL is being dispatched from Indianapolis during the lead-up to the Super Bowl. As I write this, the muted bass of hip-hop vibrates the hotel window, the hoots and hollers of revelers tickle my ears, and the creepy desperation of middle-aged, drunken “clients” in ill-fitting suits oozes through every wall. Did I go to a party tonight? No. I stayed in my room, watched Jersey Shore, and wrote about the television shows people refuse to admit they watch. Would I have it any other way? Absofuckinglutely not. There will be other Super Bowls, but there will never be another Bill Belichick of Bachelorettes, another sexual assault as casual as what we saw on The Challenge, or another episode of Jersey Shore in which Snooki urinates her way around the boardwalk like a wolf marking its territory. (Hey, I saw The Grey last week; it haunts you.) These events need to be recorded, they need to be scored, and hacky jokes need to be written about them. Above all else, duty. To the top scorers:
Vinny (The Challenge, Jacoby) 110 points: The Challenge got weird this week. Real weird. Vinny Who I Have Never Seen In The Same Room At The Same Time As Chaz Bono joined the rest of the cast on an evening at the discoteca. That alone is neither remarkable nor interesting. I mean, what do you do when you go to the nightclub? You have a few drinks, you might two-step your way around the floor a little bit, chat up a couple strangers, maybe get a phone number or whatever, and call it a night. That is not what Vinny does. Vinny has a bajillion drinks (10 points), takes his shirt off, and sexually assaults his friends. That happened.
Mandi, a young lass with a history with both CT and Wes, was just minding her own business bopping around on the dance floor when an inslopsicated Vinny came up behind her and removed her top. What in the world would possess him to do such a thing? It is not okay to take other people’s clothes off unless you are a Harlem Globetrotter and the other person is a referee. Under those circumstances it is hilarious — under these circumstances it is childish, disrespectful, and damn-near criminal. If Vinny were older, he would have learned from David from Real World
San Francisco Los Angeles that the Bunim/Murray Producers frown on such behavior. The release of Mandi’s breasts into the Dominican air marked the end of Vinny’s time on the show (100 points) and, more important, the end of the Chaz Bono joke for the column. Rest in peace, “Vinny looks like Chaz Bono” joke, you will be missed.
Sarah (The Challenge, Jacoby), 105 points: I have it on good authority (read: I totally made up) that this was the conversation about what to do with Sarah between The Challenge producers after they decided to kick Vinny off the show:
- Producer 1: “Okay, now that Vinny is gone, we don’t have a partner for Sarah. What should we do?”
Producer 2: “I don’t think she’s hooked up with anyone else on the show, so there is no replacement ex.”
Producer 1: “Call Jenn With Two Ns, she has hooked up with everyone that has ever been on or worked on this show in the past decade.”
Producer 2: “I did, she was slurring and mentioned something about being tied up at OTAs for the Lingerie Football League.”
Producer 1: “Okay, well, should we just kick Sarah off the show then?”
Producer 2: “I’m not sure, you know how much this means to her.”
Producer 1: “I know. She is going to lose her freaking mind. Who is going to tell her?”
Producer 2: [puts finger on nose]
Producer 1: “Fine, I’ll do it. But only if you drop me into her bedroom in one of those shark cages. It’s the only way to guarantee my safety.”
Producer 2: “She can still stab you through the holes in the cage.”
Producer 1: “Good point. Do we have a suit of armor?”
Producer 2: “Yeah. The one we used for interviews with CT before he turned soft.”
Producer 1: “What about a cattle prod?”
Producer 2: “CT ate the cattle prod on Rivals.”
Producer 1: [thinks for a minute]
Producer 1: “Can’t we just have TJ tell her? Everyone likes TJ; he is the peanut butter and jelly of TV hosts.”
Producer 2: “Good call.”
Once TJ broke the news that she was off the show (100 points), Sarah went completely crazypants and started crying (5 points). She was so devastated that I legitimately felt bad for her — for, like, four seconds before laughing my ass off.
Courtney (The Bachelor, Lisanti), 65 points: Last week Courtney The Model Who Won’t Stop Talking About Being A Model was so manipulative and precise in her seduction of Ben and emotional destruction of her fellow wannabes that I dubbed her The Bill Belichick of Bachelorettes. At the time I had no idea that performance was just an amuse-bouche and Courtney’s true entrée of evil was yet to be served. By the end of this episode, we saw Courtney giggling as she left bitching bachelorettes, a blubbering Blakeley, and bonered Ben in her wake. There is no end to what this woman is capable of. She may have killed John F. Kennedy.
Like Belichick, Courtney does not play by the rules. After not receiving a rose on her group date she proclaimed, “I have something planned for him. I am going to make good on my promise. Something that will refresh him and rejuvenate him. I don’t know if he has ever skinny-dipped with a model before, but it could be fun.” (10 points) And with that, Operation Ben Boner was launched. The first objective of the operation was to gain after-hours access to Ben’s lair. To achieve this, Courtney threw a robe over some skimpy lingerie, poured two glasses of wine, and waited outside of Ben’s room for him. Upon his arrival, Courtney leered at Ben and offered, “I thought you might need a little nightcap.” Objective accomplished.
The second objective of Operation Ben Boner was to create a sexualized environment. Courtney had no shortage of methods to accomplish this. Before the two of them had even sat down on the couch she detailed what a long day he must have had and offered to draw him a bath. When he didn’t take that bait, she pulled a bottle of lotion out of her robe pocket and went with the classic, “How about a massage?” When he didn’t bite on that offer, she just straight-up opened her robe for Ben to have a peek at her lacy lingerie. She then hinted that the two of them should go skinny-dipping. Objective accomplished.
Once on the beach, Courtney The Bill Belichick of Bachelorettes disrobed (25 points), declaring, “I am going to rock your world.” Seconds later the two of them joined hands and blurcles and plunged into the Puerto Rican surf. While she had him hypnotized by her nudity, Courtney showered Ben with flirtatious giggles and romantic kisses (5 points) — and then, like a matador unsheathing the sword and holding it behind the cape, she went in for the kill. She threw her head back and wrapped her legs around Ben’s waist. Operation Ben Boner: Accomplished. (25 points)
The next day, in an interview before the rose ceremony, Ben admitted, “Courtney and I shared a very intimate moment and right now I feel kind of crappy about what happened.” Feel crappy? Intimate moment? Does Courtney deserve coitus points?
The Bill Belichick of Bachelorettes isn’t happy merely enticing erections from intended targets. She burns the candle at both ends — surgically picking apart the psyches of opposing bachelorettes like Tom Brady destroying opposing secondaries. So naturally — and for the second consecutive week — the GRTFL Top Five List is the Top Five Bitchiest Things Courtney Said To or About the Other Bachelorettes and Their Super-Bitchy Subtexual Meanings. This week, we’ve ordered them from “That wasn’t nice” to “Does she even have a soul?”:
- 5. Bitchy Statement: “Lindzi, she has just got an annoying personality. And Jamie, she is just a hot mess. And Casey S. I haven’t really seen much interaction with him. Of all the girls left, I think Ben does really like Kasey B. a lot. She kind of rubbed me the wrong way in the beginning. But she does worry me a little bit.”
Super-Bitchy Subtextual Meaning: “I am likely going to murder Kasey B.”
4. Bitchy Statement: “These girls are [makes the "squares" motion] and they have no idea what I am capable of. I need affection and you gotta do what you gotta do. I would rather go skinny dipping in the ocean than have a rose.”
Super-Bitchy Subtextual Meaning: “I am the only one here with any game whatsoever. Forget Ben, it will be shocking if any of you end up with anybody.”
3. Bitchy Statement: “Ben and Elyse on a one-on-one … it should be interesting. It doesn’t really bother me too much. It did cross my mind that I might not be seeing her again. I hope I got her number; I could use a personal trainer.”
Super-Bitchy Subtextual Meaning: “Just kidding. I don’t really need a personal trainer. I am a model.”
2. Bitchy Statement: “Kasey B. is 24 and she doesn’t have a lot of world experience. She is really cute with her baton twirling, but she reminds me of a little girl and I think Ben needs a woman. I have an idea in mind so I am not too worried about the rose.”
Super-Bitchy Subtextual Meaning: “Kasey B., you are an asexual little girl. I will show Ben what a real woman looks like. A real naked woman. Enjoy your baton.”
1. Bitchy Statement: “I guess it is bittersweet. Really sweet for me and bitter for her. Her hopes and dreams just went out the door with that purple bag, and I am feeling good. I am feeling like a million bucks.”
Super-Bitchy Subtextual Meaning: “Not only were all of your hopes and dreams just crushed … you have an ugly bag.”
I love Courtney The Model Who Won’t Stop Talking About Being A Model so much. She and Single Ronnie should have their own show. I’ll produce it. Does anyone have contact info for Ben Silverman?
Jasmine (The Challenge, House), 35 points: Jasmine from The Challenge is a Tom Brady: A late-round pick who has a chip on her shoulder, one she uses as motivation week after week. This week an intoxicated Jasmine verbally and physically attacked her partner, Tyrie (5 + 5 + 25 = 35 points). For those scoring at home, Jasmine has now attacked both an animate and an inanimate object in the first two shows of the season. She is the most destructive 30-pound object in human form since Chuckie. Matter of fact, if next season is The Challenge: Twins I am putting big money on Jasmine and Chucky beating Vinny and Chaz Bono in the finals. (C’mon, did you really think the Chaz Bono joke was dead?)
Mandi (The Challenge, Connor), 30 points: Mandi being de-topped by Chaz Bono (5 points) at the club and her subsequent physical attack of Chaz (25 points) was so troubling that I don’t feel comfortable joking about it.
Tyrie (The Challenge, House), 25 points: Tyrie got in a verbal argument with Jasmine (5 points) that he finished by pulling down his pants to reveal his derriere (20 points) and declaring, “You can kiss my black ass!” Sadly, like suspenders, faux-hawks, and do-rags, the “kiss my [enter ethnicity here] ass” move is something white people just can’t pull off.
Snooki (Jersey Shore, Simmons), 20 points: Snooki was so enthralled by the music, so captivated by the moving mass of humanity at Karma, so entranced with her dance … that she urinated on herself in the middle of the floor (10 points). Of all the things this little mascot monster has done on this television program, this was the one that she chose to be most embarrassed about. Own it, Snooki! You danced so hard you urinated on yourself! Wear that like a badge of honor! You did what you had to do in pursuit of your passion. You are like a marathoner or a trucker or that crazy astronaut lady who drove around in diapers. Be proud of yourself, not ashamed.
But to be fair, you should be ashamed of the time later in the episode when you peed on the deck of the house (10 points). That shit cray.
Mike (Jersey Shore, Lisanti), 20 points: Mike is losing his mind. I know there are weird lawyer-y rules that say I can’t suggest that he was on drugs when he went on a confusing “everyone hates me even though no one hates me” rampage this episode — but he insisted on staying at the bar after everyone left, he was hanging with a shady bunch of pseudo-friends, he was extra emotional, he wouldn’t shut up when he got home, and he didn’t go to sleep for hours. I am not saying he was on drugs, I am saying if he wasn’t on drugs he should tell everyone that he was on drugs because that is the only possible explanation for him being a strangeball all episode long.
Jennifer (The Bachelor, Lisanti), 15 points: Ben threw us a bit of a curve and sent home Jennifer, the redhead he made out with earlier in the episode (5 points). Let’s just say Jennifer didn’t take it well.
- “I think being loved is one of the greatest things in the world. Caring so much about a person and ending with them breaking your heart. [Tears up.] I want to be loved and to love someone back. [tears and sobs and hiccups] I just don’t get it” (10 points).
When the women on this show mistake “Ben didn’t pick me out of 25 women to propose to on a national TV show” with “I will never find love the for the rest of my existence on this planet,” it is an odd mix of depressing and hilarious. Actually, no, I take that back, it’s mostly hilarious.
Elyse (The Bachelor, House), 15 points: Which one is Elyse? Oh yeah, the one that looks like a mix between Snooki and Rob Gronkowski. Ben took her on a one-on-one date this episode that ended with him denying her the rose. He claims that he rejected her because he didn’t see their relationship developing the way that his relationships with the other women were developing, but my guess is that he sent her packing because she holds her nose when she jumps into water. Dear people who hold their noses when they jump in water, YOU DON’T HAVE TO HOLD YOUR NOSE WHEN YOU JUMP INTO WATER. I would have sent her home the second she surfaced for air.
Blakeley (The Bachelor, Lisanti), 10 points: This week on the group date, Bachelor Ben made out with Blakeley a bit (5 points) and then split the ladies up into two teams to play baseball. No bullshit, it was the most competitive baseball I have seen that didn’t end with Aaron Boone hitting a home run and me getting so depression-drunk I peed the bed. At stake: The winning team got to continue on the date while the losing team would be sent home. Of all the people on this show that I would expect to be athletic, Blakeley the VIP Waitress was waaaayyy down on my list — not because she is a VIP waitress with enormous fake breasts, but because … well … okay, fine, because she is a VIP waitress with enormous fake breasts. But she was like Ozzie Smith in the middle infield, scooping up every single ball hit in her direction. It was an impressive performance. Sources tell me that the Marlins just signed her to a Double-A contract. Blakeley’s efforts weren’t enough to get her team the win, which was enough to make her cry (5 points).
Nicki, Kacie B., and Emily (The Bachelor, Various GRTFL Squads), 5 points: Nicki, Kacie B. and Emily all snogged on Rafa Nadal this week (5 points each) but that doesn’t matter. What does matter is the fact that I once said that Courtney The Model Who Won’t Stop Talking About Being A Model is the most attractive bachelorette. I was way wrong. In order to get an objective, clear-headed opinion, I asked my wife, whose judgment is not clouded by the fact that Courtney has this evil, weird sexuality about her. Without hesitation she said, “That tall blonde one who doesn’t say anything is the prettiest.” She is 100 percent right. So, looking at Casey B. (tall blonde one that doesn’t say anything), I kept asking myself, “Self, why doesn’t this gorgeous woman ever say anything? Is she a mute? Is she a robot? Is she a transvestite?” Then I figured it out: She is one of those super-rad, hot Russian spies (see Chapman, Anna) sent to America to go on The Bachelor and send coded messages to sleeper cells during her appearances. You’re welcome, CIA.
Leroy and Naomi (The Challenge, Jacoby), 10 Points: Leroy and Naomi won the stupid “Dome” challenge and got 10 GRTFL points. Producers, are you really out of ideas? I just deleted a list of five better challenges I wrote because I want to save them for when I am inevitably hired to run Bunim/Murray Productions. Seriously, get at me — there is no one that cares more about The Challenge than I do … except for Sarah.
Vinny and Pauly D (Jersey Shore, Jacoby and Kang), 5 points: Vinny and Pauly both made out with strangers while at Karma (5 points) to celebrate the return of Vinny from his self-imposed depression/anxiety/I-don’t-want-to-get-drunk-every-night-and-make-out-with-strangers exile. I swear, if the cast of Jersey Shore saw Vinny drowning they would throw a bucket of water on him. Also, while we are on the topic, Vinny, please see above regarding faux-hawks. Thanks, man.
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