Reality Fantasy Scorecard: Secret Smushes, Human Catapults, and the Shocking Bachelor Music Video
Would you like to see Ben the Bachelor’s rap video? Do you care what other reality show Courtney the Bill Belichick of Bachelorettes was on? Have you heard who Paula Walnuts from The Challenge thinks killed John F. Kennedy? Does it interest you which state in America Snooki thinks never sees sunlight?
Yes? Good! The GRTFL has answers to all those questions and more. Matter of fact, I won’t even make you wait for the last one, it’s Arkansas. Snooki thinks that Arkansas is in a perpetual state of darkness and has never seen the sun. I am really starting to think that Snooki is some sort of über-genius prodigy who created this character for her Princeton thesis. She is totally getting an A.
Casey S. (The Bachelor, Connor), 105 points: Casey S. is the hottest bachelorette on the show and Ben the Bachelor Who I Have Never Seen in the Same Room at the Same Time as Rafa Nadal has shown less sexual interest in her then he has in the show’s host, Chris Harrison. Any heterosexual man can attest: This is extremely odd behavior for a fella in Rafa’s position. He would at least have to take her on a one-on-one date to check under the psychological hood and try and figure out how this smoke show ended up on a cheesy reality series. Yet he never did. Not only that, I barely remember him exchanging a single word with her. The only possible explanation for all this is my theory from last week that she’s a super-rad Russian spy who appears on TV to send subliminal messages to sleeper cells of post-Soviet spies. Well, she was kicked off the show this week and we are all still speaking English — so I guess I was wrong, thank Tebow.
What was that? Why was she kicked off? I’m glad you asked. She was kicked off for not being in love with Ben, a dude she has barely spoken to and watched repeatedly make out with four or five of her friends. I love The Bachelor.
In dramatic fashion, our aforementioned host summoned Casey S. for a chat. (Does anyone in Hollywood have a better job than Chris Harrison? All he does is travel the world and a toss a sentence in here and there — the bellmen who take the rejected Bachelorettes’ luggage away work harder and get more screen time than he does.) In a manicured Panamanian hotel courtyard, he drops this on her: “It has been brought to my attention … that you are in love with someone else and not in love with Ben.” Apparently some ex-boyfriend named Michael has been hollerin’ at Chris and being all, “Yeah, she’s my girl, she wrote me an email saying how much she loved me yesterday, check it out.” I mean, why else would Chris be standing there holding an iPad? It’s not like he is playing Fruit Ninja in between takes. So Casey S. the Hot Russian Spy dishes about how she really is still in love with Michael but doesn’t want to be, because he refuses to marry her. Then Chris leads her up to talk to Rafa, where she breaks down in tears and sobs, “Honestly I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to marry me. That is not what I want. I really don’t. I want to be with someone like you, who really does want to get married.” (5 points) At this point my wife, disgusted with herself for enjoying all this, blurts, “This is not a very feminist show.”
No. It is not.
Casey S. is kicked off the show (100 points), and Chris relays this information to the gaggle of giddy gals with a little threat at the end, “I want to share something that Ben just said to Casey as she was leaving, because I think it is very important to hear. He said, ‘Be open to finding love. Because if you are not open to truly finding love right now it is just not going to work.’ So if anybody is here and they are not completely open, this is the time to step away.” Translation, if you haven’t given Ben a handy by now … step up your game.
Dustin and Heather (The Challenge, Simmons), 100 points -50 points
[Reality Czar note: I messed up, the rules clearly state "leaving due to injury" is minus-50 points and I gave them 100 for "being kicked off." I'm an idiot.]
This week on The Challenge, rookies Heather and Dustin were sent home (100 points) because Dustin had a boo-boo. Seriously, if Rob Gronkowski can morph into a shirtless Rob Crunkowski and Party Rock his way into the sports news cycle with a high ankle sprain, how come FratPad’s own Dustin can’t answer trivia questions with a cut on his knee? What’s FratPad? Oh nothing. Just the gay porn site Dustin appeared on for years before being cast on the Real World and starting a serious relationship with Heather, who had no idea the intimacy she was sharing with her Dusty he had already shared with anyone with an Internet connection and a credit card. Since this is a judgment-free zone [Ed note: Totally not true.] I’m just going to move on and get to the good stuff. The trivia/spelling bee challenge!
Is case you don’t have an encyclopedic knowledge of The Challenge history — and in that case, what’s wrong with you? — on The Duel 2 the cast was forced to spell words correctly or be thrown off a cliff. “Exercise,” “freight” and “throne” were all misspelled. It was the fucking best. This season they mixed in pop culture trivia and The Challenge history questions to make the cast look even dumber. (It worked.) Also, this time, when the contestants answer a question incorrectly, they were catapulted into a lagoon. It was better than the Super Bowl. This week’s top five list is The Top Five Best Moments From This Challenge — listed from, ah fuck it, I can’t even order them. They are like my children, I love them all with everything I have:
- 1. When Abram was asked who Britney Spears’ babydaddy and ex-husband was, he answered “Aaron Drake” and was then catapulted into the lagoon. Now, had I been Abram’s partner, I would’ve protested. There was a stretch there in which Britney Spears was poppin’ out babies and marriages at a clip that was nearly impossible to keep track of. I feel like the onus is on the Producers to prove that she never had a child and wedded a man named Aaron Drake.
2. Paula spelled “calculator” correctly. There was a better chance of her morphing into a Pegasus and flying away in midflight after being catapulted than spelling calculator correctly. I see you, Paula Walnuts. More on this later.
3. Camilla was asked, “Which Playboy bunny did Hugh Hefner announce he was engaged to in 2007?” Camilla responded, “Bob Marley.” Read that one again. I wish you could see me laughing as I type it.
4. Some people got questions like, “Who played Captain Jack Sparrow?” and, “Who was Bobby Brown married to?” and, “Which creature was the star of the film Jaws?” Naomi, a just-out-of-her-teens Latina from the Bronx, got, “Who was Cher’s singing partner and ex-husband?” and, “What is the word for female fox?” I think the Producers gave her these questions because she was the most fun to watch fly through the air.
4.5. I knew I would be pointing and laughing at these people in this column, so I played along to see how I would do were I suspended above a Dominican lagoon answering trivia questions. It was not pretty. I spelled etiquette wrong, got the capital of Alabama wrong and only got one Challenge history question right. But I have since decided I won’t let my own idiocy get in the way of making fun of the idiocy of others. (I just spelled idiocy incorrectly writing that.)
5. Paula Walnuts was asked, “Who do most people consider to be John F. Kennedy’s killer?” and without hesitation she confidently screamed, “John Wilkes Booth!” This inspired Grantland Guru Bill Simmons to text me, “Paula thinking John Wilkes Booth killed JFK may have been the best reality moment of the past three years.” It was that good. It was so good, I had to test the question on fellow Grantlander Robert “Baby Bear” Mays in the office today, and without hesitation he confidently blurted, “John Wilkes Booth!” I love Baby Bear.
Vinny (Jersey Shore, Jacoby), 40 points: Vinny filled the box score this week. He started off hot, putting up five “discussing one’s bowel movement” points — but that was only the beginning. One evening at the club he was targeted by a young lady who was not, to his mind, up to his standards. That didn’t stop him from engaging with the young lass in the special courtship ritual native to the Jersey Shore — cupping your hand around someone’s ear and yelling yes or no questions into it. However, Uncle Nino’s Nephew was forced to disengage when a more acceptable target blipped on his radar. This young lady, Nicky, was interrogated by Uncle Nino’s Nephew to the point where she revealed that she was a lesbian. This further attracted Uncle Nino’s Nephew because, “When you take a lesbian back to the straight team it is like Christopher Columbus discovering America.”
Now, I am fully aware that lesbians come in all shapes, styles, colors, and creeds, but to me, there was something about Nicky that was a little less, I don’t want to have sex with you because I am into women, and a little more, I don’t want to have sex with you because you are the star of a reality show on which I have watched you have sex with four dozen women who have names spelled in a nontraditional manner.
Her refusal of coitus did not devastate young Vincent, as he had a replacement smush, the girl from earlier, ready to be called up from triple A ball at a moment’s notice. Vinny made that call down to Pawtucket and notched himself not only 25 coitus points but also 10 bonus “Hooking Up with a ‘Grenade’ or Someone Whose Attractiveness Has Been Impugned” points. An experience Vinny reflected on thusly: “My smush with this girl wasn’t that bad. It was an average girl, an average smush, nothing extraordinary. Released some demons, ya know.” I will never refer to the act of coitus as “sex” again. It will now be known as “releasing demons.” Thanks for that Vin.
Courtney (The Bachelor, Lisanti), 25 points: Courtney the Bill Belichick of Bachelorettes was once again eviling her way right into Ben’s heart by being the only lady in the bunch who has mastered the attack-and-then-retreat tactic of seduction. After going semitopless (25 points) in the Panamanian jungle and smothering Ben with affection early in the episode, she turned the tables late:
- Ben: “I like that you notice me and you are assertive and confident and I really like those things about you. I don’t know if it gets you in hot water with the other girls but don’t stop doing it.”
Courtney: “But it is getting hard for me. I lose sight of nights like the other night and the passion.”
Ben: “I don’t know why you would lose sight of that, because I haven’t lost sight of something like that.”
Courtney: “I mean not completely. I just want to feel special and it is hard to feel that way when there are so many girls. I just need to keep that spark alive.”
Alright, let’s pause and admire what Courtney is up to here. Ben starts with a compliment, a gesture that would make all the other women gush — but not the Bill Belichick of Bachelorettes. Courtney counters with how she “just needs something to keep that spark alive.” What does the Bill Belichick of Bachelorettes say after establishing that she “needs something?”
- Courtney: “I am in room 1611 if you have had a long day.”
She is the greatest strategic mind of our time. But she wasn’t born that way. GRTFL super-scorer Caitlin Mangum brought it to my attention that Courtney honed her techniques on some Kiwi reality show titled Treasure Island: Couples at War and (allegedly) has dated a bunch of Hollywood bros, including Vinnie Chase himself. It could be her nature. It could be her experience. I don’t care. I’m just happy she ended up the way that she is. I swear she’s the one who told Tom Coughlin to put 12 men on the field during the final seconds of the Super Bowl.
Abram (The Challenge, Connor), 20 points: Abram on The Challenge is special. He cried this week (20 points) and displayed a collection of tattoos that made my sister-in-law (and Internet sensation) DJ Pillow Queen say, “It looks like he took a crayon and doodled all over himself.” And, actually, that is exactly what he did — took a tattoo gun and tattooed himself. Why would he do that? Probably the same the reason he smeared his own feces all over a jail cell. Because he is a total crazeball.
Blakeley (The Bachelor, Lisanti), 20 points: Blakeley cried when she was rejected by Rafa this week (5 points), even though she was making out with him just moments earlier (5 points). She was not kicked off because she didn’t show enough interest in Ben; she was kicked off because she showed so much interest in Ben that it scared him. Normally, I’d say it’s a fine line between those two extremes. Not this time. Below is VIP Waitress and Off-Her-Rocker Stalker Blakeley’s presentation of a scrapbook (10 points) consisting of memories of the time the two have spent together and Ben the Bachelor’s internal monologue during the presentation:
- Blakeley: “I don’t want to lose you before you even get to know me, so there is something I would like to share. There is something that is very personal that I feel like I have held onto for a long time. This is just something to show you that I care very much about you.” [Breaks out scrapbook.]
Ben’s Internal Monologue: “Um, this is made of little pieces of magazines. I’ve seen this before … this is how kidnappers make ransom notes.”
Blakeley: “This was me seeing myself living with you in San Francisco.”
Ben’s Internal Monologue: “Did this chick just say, ‘Living with you in San Francisco?’ The only way I will ever live with this woman is if we’re both in the same hospital — me on the first floor, her on the secret this-is-where-we-keep-the-crazys 13th floor.”
Blakeley: “This is when I saw myself starting to fall for you.”
Ben’s Internal Monologue: “Where is that security dude who hangs around the set to make sure the girls don’t murder each other?”
Blakeley: “To me this is less of a dream and more of a reality.”
Ben’s Internal Monologue: “Is SOS in Morse code three longs, three shorts, and then three longs? Or three shorts, three longs, and then three shorts?”
Jamie (The Bachelor, Connor), 10 points: This is an actual transcription from an actual conversation that actually happened on The Bachelor this week:
- Jamie: “I want a great kiss with you.”
Ben: “Do you want to try this again?”
Jamie: “OK, first of all when my mouth is open your mouth is closed and vice versa.”
Ben: “Do you want my mouth closed or open?”
Jamie: “First our mouths are going to be closed and we are going to feel each other out. And then once we feel each other out, we are going to open our mouths.”
Ben: “That’s normally how kissing goes. You are not the first woman I have kissed.”
Jamie: “OK, ready? Are you nervous around me?”
Ben: “I am a little nervous right now.”
Jamie: “It’s OK, we are going to plan it and it is going to be OK. You are going to have your mouth closed first.”
Ben: “Mouth closed?”
Jamie: “No, no, no, mouth open … mouth closed … now we are going to explore, OK?”
Jamie: [Leans in then backs away.] “No, first …”
Ben: “I can’t bleeping take you seriously right now. This is like an instruction guide. I can’t handle this.”
A shock to no one: After the kiss (5 points) she was immediately sent packing in tears (5 points).
Emily and Ty (The Challenge, Lisanti), 10 points: Ty and Emily are a force to be reckoned with this year on The Challenge. Their power is fueled by genes, exercise, and a strong hatred of one another … a recipe for victory is there ever was one. This week they ousted Grantland’s favorite couple, Naomi and Leroy. This made us sad. Leroy had one of the most likeable TV stints since Bill Clinton donned sunglasses and played sax on Arsenio. Leroy, no joke, we have an internship for you.
Lindzi (The Bachelor, Simmons), 10 points: Lindzi is the one who wears too much makeup, rode in on a horse in the first episode, and made out with Ben twice this week (10 points). She will never end up getting picked because she is a personality-free square. In fact, most of the girls are square this season. Actual quotes from this episode included, “My heart is jumping out of my chest right now. I am honestly worried that Ben does not see through Blakeley’s sexual dancing. He is letting her sexuality wrap him in,” and, “Courtney always finds a way to pull him aside or stand out or put her mark on him. It is just something that none of the other girls would do. I don’t get it.” News flash, ladies: Men are just robots that follow their penises. Have you never seen a beer commercial?
Nicki, Rachel, Emily, Kacie B. (The Bachelor, various GRTFL Teams), 5 points: All these ladies tried to dodge lip herp while making out with Ben (5 points) but that doesn’t mater. What matters is that Ben the Bachelor is a rapper, and has a song out, and has a video out, and the song and video are about wet dreams. Not proverbial wet dreams, real wet dreams. The following are the questions/comments that came to mind while watching this masterpiece of music and film. Please read along as you watch:
- 1. OK, production value of the intro alone has way exceeded expectations.
- 2. How did the Band-Aid disappear from the doctor’s cheek between when he wrote the prescription and popped up between Rafa’s legs to deliver a line?
- 3. Why did he pop up between Rafa’s legs to deliver a line?
- 4. Why do I get the feeling I am going to be singing this for a week straight?
- 5. Is it me or does Ben the Bachelor have a rhyme pattern more complex than half the MCs on the Billboard chart right now?
- 6. “Because I fall into dreams / of visions of you / where you’re keepin’ it tight / never making doo doo.” Did Ben just say — um, let’s move on …
- 7. Could they really not afford a bigger flashlight?
- 8. Can we all just agree to never film anything in front of a graffitied wall ever again?
- 9. “Now you squirt the lotion at the spray paint mural of that one-eyed girl from Futurama.”
- 10. Are they handing out Jell-O shots on the street?
- 11. They just gave two Jell-O shots to a woman driving a car. They are now officially accomplices to a crime.
- 12. This keyboard solo is dope.
- 13. Ben’s boy better be the next Bachelor.
- 14. OK, the cloud-pattern Snuggie? I’m 100 percent in on Forgery Films. Are they a publicly traded company?
- 15. Why is Ben wearing a wig that is the same as his natural hair? That’s like Obama wearing an Obama mask on Halloween.
- 16. Seriously, fellas, for the desired effect you need a bigger flashlight.
- 17. How did the alarm go off if there were no numbers on it indicating the time?
And the most important question of all:
If this were Andy Samberg and Justin Bieber, how many clicks would it have after being on the Internet a month? A fafillion? Why has this only been watched 35,000-plus times on YouTube? I’m not mad at you, Internet. Just disappointed. (Shout to @Jofferyorquia for hipping me to this. I see you.)
JWOWW (Jersey Shore, Kang), 5 points: JWOWW spent the entire episode sulking over her boyfriend. They need to change her sound bite in the open from, “After I have sex with a guy, I will rip their heads off,” to, “After I have a tiny argument with a guy, I will sit around and be a huge drag.” Looks like Single JWOWW has gone the way of Single Ronnie.
Mike (Jersey Shore, Lisanti), 5 points: This week Mike scored the first ever “Spreading Gossip About Someone Else’s Sexual Activity” points. The word squirt was involved. Related: How have I not been fired for writing this column?