Reality Fantasy League Scorecard: Basketball Wives, Sea Turtle Coitus, and the First Death Threat of the Season!

Courtesy of MTV The Challenge

Hold on to your hair weaves: the Basketball Wives are back. Basketball Wives is supposed to be a reality show that gives a glimpse into the world of the women in the lives of professional basketball players. It isn’t. It’s really a series of lunches in which well-dressed, attractive, and gossipy young women get together to insult whomever in their circle happens to not be presently at the table. Oh yeah, occasionally a drink is thrown, a weave is tugged, and murder is attempted. Naturally, it’s a perfect fit for the GRTFL, so we made up some rules and drafted teams:

    1. Lisanti (Shaunie)
    2. Connor (Evelyn)
    3. Bill (Tami)
    4. Jacoby (Royce)
    5. Jay (Kenya)
    6. House (Suzie)
    7. House (Jennifer)
    8. Jay (Kesha)

If I make it through NBA All-Star Weekend without seeing one of these women in their natural environment, I will consider the whole trip a failure. Let’s have a look at the lowbrow high scores:

Top Scorers:

Camilla (The Challenge, Lisanti), 45 points: Watching reality TV is a little like fishing. It’s a Zen process — one marked primarily by comfortable boredom and routine, and only occasionally broken by a rare flurry of activity that reminds you to cast the line in the first place. Camilla’s performance on this week’s The Challenge was just such a moment. I considered detailing the underlying insecurity and jealousy that led to her fantastic display of alcopsychoholic delirium, but really it boils down to this … she is fucking crazy. Awesome crazy.

It all started with an innocent trip to the nightclub, a couple (dozen) shots of vodka, and a hint of disinterest on the part of her teammate/romance target, Johnny Bananas. What followed cannot be captured by the English language, nor can it be rationalized — it was simply the most captivating performance caught on video since dramatic chipmunk. On a dime, she went from fun party girl raising a glass to her friends to vengeful vixen, telling Johnny Bananas out of nowhere, “You can bleep whoever you want to bleep!” (5 points) She then proceeded to demonstrate her own freedom by seductively grinding all over the nearest male humanoid stranger in her vicinity. At this point the rest of the cast ushered her out of the nightclub because it was clear that she was inslopsicated (20 points), enraged, and in no mood to curb her crazypants conduct.

Camilla’s drunken display upon arriving at the house provides us with the perfect opportunity to break out the ol’ GRTFL top five list. So, without further ado, here’s the Top Five Most Shocking Things the Boozy Brazilian Camilla Did in Her Hoochie Haze, listed from “She’s not crazy, she’s just passionate” to “I would be worried about her killing herself, but to be honest, I think she’s already dead”:

    5. The Attempt to Get Into Banana’s Hammock: The first thing she did when she got to the house was to get in Johnny’s bed. Mind you, she spent the last two hours of her life telling Johnny how much she hated him. I know, I know, this is pretty much par for the relationship course. Just keep reading.
    4. The Why-God-Why?!? Maneuver: In what should soon be sampled by a dubstep DJ and made into the chorus of a vengeance dance jam, she cries (5 points) and yells, “I HATE YOOUUUU. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO MEEEEEEEEE?”
    3. The Chair Attack: After losing the battle to keep her top on, (5 points) she attempts to make amends by winning a battle against a chair (10 points). She lifts the poor pillowed seat over her head and smashes it to the ground, expecting it to explode and splinter into pieces … but it doesn’t. She was actually kind of adorable in her failure.
    2. The Classic Death Threat: At one point while she was Courtney Loving, she set her sights on Bananas and screamed, “You piece of bleep. You cheater. YOU ARE GOING TO DIIIIIIEEEEEEE!” No one has said, “You are going to die” with such pure, genuine intention since Axl Rose welcomed us all to the jungle.
    1. The Zombie Swim: After Camilla raged her way into the backyard, she did something that will live in GTRFL lore for the rest of time. She just kept walking, right into the pool, without even breaking stride. It was like watching a lemming casually stroll off a cliff. It was so troubling, it caused her castmates to remark, “She looks like she is possessed by demons!” Which caused Bill to remark, “That was an insult to people that are really possessed by demons.”

Courtney (The Bachelor, Lisanti), 35 points: There isn’t much left to say about Courtney’s performance in this episode that wasn’t covered by Hollywood Prospectus Editor/Bachelorette Consigliore Mark Lisanti on Tuesday. In case you didn’t see her work…she marriage raped The Bachelor. Like, for real. While the two of them were in the grassy square of her hometown they had the following exchange:

    Courtney: “When I was seventeen I had one of my first photo shoots here (10 points). And it was like sunset, right that time around the golden hour ya know. And they were setting up this wedding. Actually they do weddings here. Ya know, its kind of rustic.”
    Ben: “It’s totally nice.”
    Courtney: “I could definitely see myself getting married here.”
    Ben: “Is that a wedding they are setting up for now?”
    Courtney: “That’s what that would be.”

Before Ben knew it he had a bowtie around his neck, his wedding vows on his tongue and a ring around his finger. At some point after hearing her profess her love (20 points) and finishing the ceremony with a kiss (5 points) I’m sure Ben turned to the Producer and was all, “Hey bro, this feels funny, am I getting legally married right now? Like, for real? Or is this just television-pretend like when I acted as if I was into riding horses for that loony Lindzi chick?”

In four years Ben is going to get a call from his lawyer saying, “Do you remember a woman by the name of Courtney Robertson? Well, because of some loophole in Arizona state law she is your lawfully wedded wife. What? Yes, I’m sure! I watched you marry her today on video! She’s filing for divorce and is demanding that you pay her 2.5 million dollars or she will disclose the fact that on a drunken night in Puerto Rico you coitused a sea turtle. Yeah man, that wasn’t her below the ocean’s surface, that was a sea turtle, she has DNA proof and everything.”

Nicki (The Bachelor, Simmons), 35 points: Too many pillows on a woman’s bed is a red flag. Seriously Nicki, how do you stand to benefit from having 63 pillows on your bed? In what scenario are they going to come in handy? The weirdest thing about Nicki is that the pillows are the only weird thing about Nicki. She has a normal family, isn’t obsessed with horses, isn’t still twirling batons around like a fifteen year old and isn’t a genius/robot/model sex kitten using a reality show as an attempt to gain enough notoriety to usurp Stacey Keibler as the Clooney arm candy de jour. She is a pretty, normal, balanced young lady that is head over heels in love with Ben (20 points) and probably is the best choice for him, all things considered. But no matter how many times she makes out with him (10 points) or cries over him (5 points), there is no chance he is going to propose to her at the finale. Not after next week when Courtney unloads a U-Haul full of her hottest model friends, lingerie and sex toys into the fantasy suite for their overnight date.

Kesha and Kenya (Basketball Wives, Kang), 20 points: One of my biggest qualms with reality shows is that they try to trick us into thinking that they aren’t reality shows. Hey Basketball Wives, why are you trying to rationalize the introduction of these two new characters on the show? Do you really think we’re buying that these two women just happen to be in New York, wearing lav microphones, have romantic lives with athletes, are plugging their entertainment careers (10 points) and inserting themselves into the Basketball Wives circle of friends right when the new season is in production? Seriously? Go with an honest approach! In the first episode I would have had a voice over that said, “Meet Kesha and Kenya, the new women that we brought on the show to argue with the girls from last season. Also, we moved the show to New York because Evelyn has already pulled the weave out of the head of every female over 25 years old south of the Mason Dixon line. Buckle up.”

Emily and Ty (The Challenge, Lisanti), 10 points: Emily and Ty not only won The Dome (10 points), but Emily also landed the insult of the season. After being voted into The Dome, she eyed the veterans of the cast and spat, “Maybe one day when I do a thousands challenges and have no life I will have power in the house.” This led to Friend of Grantland Joe House and I having a furious conversation about how impressed by her we were, which led to me Googling her, which led to me finding her blog, which led to me realizing there are probably more productive ways of using my time.

Lindzi (The Bachelor, Simmons), 10 points: I have been watching this show for months now and the only three pieces of information that I have about Lindzi — who made out with Ben twice this week (10 points) — are that she loves horses, is into horses and really enjoys riding horses.

Kacie B. (The Bachelor, Jacoby), 5 points: Remember that thing at the beginning of the column when I said that watching Camilla Alcopsychoholic out was the joy of watching reality TV? Well, there are also rare occasions in which you can’t help but empathize with the raw, real emotion you’re watching on your flat-screen. These are the occasions when you realize that these creatures are human — and as a fellow human you can’t help but feel sympathy when they’re experiencing the depths of heartache and depression. Kacie B melting into a gloopy ooze of insecurity and self-doubt after being sent home by Ben The Bachelor this week was just such an occasion. Behold her final soliloquy as she took the limo ride back into loneliness:

“I thought I knew what he was looking for, but I guess I was completely wrong. I had no idea this was coming and I am so upset. Why? [Sobs] (5 points) It’s not me. I thought it was me. I was stupid. [Sobs] Why am I not good enough like I don’t get it? This is why I don’t love! This is why! [Wails] I loved him and I don’t know what to do next. WHY DID THIS HAPPEN? WHAT THE BLEEP HAPPENED? WHAT THE BLEEP JUST HAPPENNNNNNNNED?”

As I watched this, an uneasy feeling of guilt flooded my stomach and a tear formed in my eye. I felt horrible for this poor woman who had been forever scarred on national TV for our viewing pleasure. I felt inadequate and incomplete for taking such pleasure in her plight. It was awful.

That lasted about ten seconds. Then I played it back seven times, laughed my ass off and have been wrinkling up my face and screaming “WHAT THE BLEEP JUST HAPPENNNNNNED?” over and over at any opportunity since Monday. It still hasn’t gotten old.

Filed Under: Basketball Wives, Grantland Reality TV Fantasy League, Reality TV Fantasy League, The Bachelor, The Challenge

David Jacoby is an ESPN producer who somehow became a writer and editor for Grantland.

Archive @ djacoby