R-PATZ AND K-STEW R-OVER! … and Other Horror Stories From This Week’s Tabloids

Us Weekly

Kristen Stewart Cheats on Robert Pattinson: The story absolutely nobody saw coming to knock Tom and Katie off the tabloid covers. “From the start, Robert Pattinson longed for more in his relationship with Kristen Stewart. Anything that would prove the guarded actress loved him as ardently as he loved her.” I love how this story is written like Wuthering Heights. It’s so perfect. Pattinson was planning to propose. “He wants to spend the rest of his life with her.” Or at least, he thought he did until “photographers captured Stewart in a series of steamy rendezvous with her Snow White and the Huntsman director, Rupert Sanders, 41. Like a pair of hormone-addled teenagers, the actress and the dad of two — married to British Vogue model Liberty Ross, 33 — spent the afternoon driving around L.A. in search of secluded places to make out.”

Except when you’re the star of a film franchise, there’s no such thing as seclusion from the wily paparazzi.

They parked at various spots and Sanders “was all over her.” The two “would only take a break when they thought someone was walking by. It seemed like they couldn’t get enough.” A mere five days later, Stewart and Pattinson played the part of the perfect couple at the Teen Choice Awards. So what’s going on here? Was the Pattinson-Stewart relationship a setup from the get-go? Was it real and she genuinely betrayed him? Is anyone else surprised that Kristen Stewart is STRAIGHT (or bi)? So many layers!

“Were it not for a phone call, she may never have been caught. Stewart was on her way back to the $6 million Los Feliz love nest after a routine gym trip. But just short of home, she took a call and abruptly turned around to get back on the highway. She headed to the west side of town, ventured into a rundown neighborhood and finally parked her black Mini Cooper in the back lot of a deserted building plastered with FOR LEASE signs.” Damn girl, every cliché. A photographer who followed her there waited it out. “Enter Stewart’s suave director, Sanders — 19 years her senior, with an English accent crisp enough to rival Pattinson’s.” He slid into the car. “Kristen was sitting with her back up against the driver’s-side window, and this guy was kissing her entire body.” Sanders was paranoid, so they moved from the parking lot to a lookout point for the HOLLYWOOD sign. “He showed her just where to put the car.” (That’s not all he showed her where to put). “The two stayed in the car, slouched down and kissing like teens, as neighbors hiked by.” As the sun set, they became bold enough to slouch out into the outdoors. “Leaning against the guardrail, with all of Hollywood stretched before them, he embraced her from behind and caressed her hand and side.” He sensually stroked her side. Stewart appeared “swept up in the moment.” When people passed, they’d split up and “walk in other directions.” Smooth.

Afterward, “Stewart drove Sanders toward his place, stopping three blocks from the house he shares with his kids, ages 7 and 5, and successful wife.” His wife’s brother is Atticus Ross, who won an Oscar for his collaboration with Trent Reznor on The Social Network score. “Sanders and Stewart kissed one last time before he got out of the car, walking the rest of the way home. Stewart sped off, heading back to Pattinson’s place. In a heartbreaking twist for Pattinson, the pair’s relationship seemed stronger than ever in recent months. That is, at least from Pattinson’s point of view.” The couple was PDA-happy at Comic-Con, although a public display of over-the-top affection can be a cover for inner turmoil. “Rob worships the ground Kristen walks on and would marry her in a second. But she likes to keep him in his place, and it definitely works. He couldn’t love Kristen any more than he does now. He would do anything for her.” But he won’t do that. During the filming of Snow White, Stewart stopped returning Pattinson’s calls for days at a time. He even showed up on set to check in on her. At press calls for the film, “Stewart boldly huddled with Sanders’ wife, Ross, who frequently tweets about her husband’s accomplishments.” She recently deleted her Twitter after a single tweet of “WOW.” Sanders and Stewart bonded on set, and Stewart suspiciously traveled to film exterior shots she wasn’t in. Sanders gave her a copy of Joan of Arc. He said, “We had a lot of conversations, seeing through her eyes. She’s made incredibly shrewd decisions for someone who’s half my age.” Well, except for this latest one. He also said, “There’s something very rebellious about her. She’s kind of wild and untamed.” Now the Twilight publicity behemoth is up and running again to promote Breaking Dawn Part 2, and it looks like it will be a blood-sucking free-for-all.

Katy Perry & John Mayer: Upgrade or downgrade from Russell Brand? Kind of a sidewaysgrade if you ask me. “Katy Perry’s last Friday night was a memorable one: She spent it with John Mayer! Days after her divorce from Russell Brand was finalized, she joined the singer at Hollywood’s Soho House.” A witness claims, “They were affectionate, holding hands and cuddling!” The next night he came over to Katy’s place for a pizza party (if that’s what we’re calling it these days). Perry and Mayer almost hooked up a few years ago, right before she got together with Brand. I’m sure John Mayer didn’t like being denied. Katy likes bad boys and John loves tig ol’ bitties. Is his current long, greasy hair an attempt to resemble Brand? Mayer’s rep says, “They are not dating,” but “Perry is plowing ahead. She nailed down her crush!” Good use of “plowing” and “nailed.” I totally want to see a Mayer-Perry sex tape. Guitar face for days.

Scott Disick: “While Kourtney Kardashian was home with their 2-week-old baby, Penelope — Disick was partying poolside at Miami Beach’s Delano Hotel.” A source says, “He was chatting with models!” Be sure to read the Scott Disick story further down, if you like Bret Easton Ellis novels and having your mind blown by the depravity of evil rich people.

Heidi Klum: “We have a rule in the house. Rule No. 1 is always to look cool, and Rule No. 2 is don’t forget about Rule No. 1.” Rule No. 3 is: I am scared when Germans tell me rules.

Mila Kunis: On why she won’t watch reruns of That 70s Show — “You can see me go through puberty, and who wants to watch that?” Like, a ton of people? Also she is dating Ashton Kutcher, and Jackie-Kelso shippers everywhere can’t help but support it, even though he clearly kinda sucks.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: “I was a sort of serious little dude — snobby. I thought girls my age were very frustrating. They were, like, always looking in their compact mirrors and shit, and I thought that was evil. I’m a little more forgiving now!” Not winning a lot of points with the ladies lately, JGL. I think your foot got stuck in your mouth while you were floating in that Inception hallway.

Kate Beckinsale: “I can’t dance at a party where there are teenagers without clearing the dance floor. Those are the things that make me go, ‘Fuck, I’m old.’ You’re a parent and everyone leaves.” Somebody please put Kate Beckinsale in a cougar comedy.

Sofia Vergara: The Modern Family star, who is now one of the highest-paid actresses on television, is on a vacation in Paris with her new fiance Nick Loeb. “She talked about how she needs to get ‘married lady’ clothes, but it’s a joke because she’ll always dress sexy.” What I mean to say is put Kate Beckinsale in a comedy with Sofia Vergara where they’re two cougars hustling cards on a cruise ship.

Misc/Etc: “#canyougetyourownstyle” “convinced Taylor Swift she ruined a wedding” “a desert tortoise” “headed to the Hamptons via helicopter” “Prince Charles scaled a rock wall” “I love my lips!” “The next morning, she raved about the big day on Facebook” “She feels young and happier than ever” “old film reels and vintage guitars” “the elder Clooneys” “She’s in bed and I’ll be there very soon” “Amicable exes!” “Zac Efron enjoying a guys’ night out in West Hollywood” “I have a plethora of life experience” “stick figures depicting their adventures” “mating with another man” “The two did get intimate in their fantasy suite” “You just slept with me!” “to make it seem as if she intended to dump him” “I want to drink, chant with all the soccer hooligans and get rowdy” “Maybe I can settle down” “I’ve got strawberries in one bed” “YOU HAVE CHINESE FOOD IN YOUR BELLY AND MOLLY HAS A BABY IN HERS” “I call him my little catfish” “People ask if I’m having more fun, but I always have fun!” “her self-described perfect body” “You’re a 40-year-old aspiring artist without a Wikipedia page!”

Star

Taylor Swift’s Parents Are Splitting Up: Asked about the lyrics for her new album, Swift said, “They’re sad, if I’m being honest.” Everyone assumed she was talking about her own love life, but it turns out Swift is sad because “after nearly 25 years of marriage, her parents have separated!” A particularly harsh experience for someone so obsessed with fantasies of eternal romantic love and traditional marriage. The family has tried to keep it private. “The Swifts stopped wearing their wedding rings. They haven’t filed for divorce because they don’t want it to damage Taylor’s career.” No one is sure what the exact cause is, but for Taylor’s mom, Andrea, “being on tour with Taylor full-time has been really hard on her relationship with Scott.” This will probably make for some extra-dark acoustic versions of “Love Story” and “White Horse.” When will Taylor Swift dye her hair black and make her dark album. When? Whennnnnnnnnnnn?

Michelle Williams & Jason Segel Are Engaged: “Jason has been playfully telling Michelle almost from the time they first started dating that he was going to marry her someday.” Ha, ha. CREEPY! I would expect no less from Nick Andopolis. He showed up at Comic-Con, where Williams was promoting Oz: The Great and Powerful, and filled her hotel room with purple flowers. He enlisted her daughter Matilda to hand her a note saying “Will you marry me?” and Michelle accepted his proposal. This all seems awfully fast. Maybe it’ll be a long engagement?

Scott Disick Videotaped Sex and Stole From Women? “It’s true that Scott began videotaping himself having sex with girls when he was in his late teens — and then he’d steal from them! Scott and one of his buddies had a system. They would pass themselves off as wealthy stockbrokers, pick up girls in the clubs in the Hamptons, get drunk with them, then take them back to their parents’ homes and claim they were their own. When the time was right, Scott and his friend would go through their handbags and steal just about anything they could get their hands on. They would steal everything from cash to cell phones, to cameras, even credit cards. Amazingly, they were never arrested. It seemed they could get away with anything. Maybe the girls were too ashamed to report them to the police once they realized what had happened.” WOW. His former friend Brittany Reichek says Scott and his friend “videotaped girls and stole from them more than 50 times. I think Scott got as good a high just off the challenge of stealing, as much as from the actual things he stole.” Since getting with Kourtney Kardashian, Disick “had to ditch all his old friends and he had no qualms about doing it!” Kourtney has “given Scott so many chances, but he seems content to remain a party boy the rest of his life, even with his parental responsibilities.” Aw, come on, maybe he can be a party dad.

Jessica Simpson Cheats … on Her Diet: “Jessica Simpson loves chocolate so much, she may lose millions of dollars satisfying her cravings.” A source says, “She’s been cheating on her diet big time. Most days she’s pretty good, but sometimes she feels like she needs to reward herself. And Jessica’s favorite way to reward herself is with chocolate.” Unfortunately for her, the contract she signed with Weight Watchers commits her to losing 70 pounds in a year. “She got used to eating everything she wanted when she was pregnant.” I want Jessica Simpson to eat whatever and look however she wants.

Did Ben Stiller Destroy a Hawaiian Island? All signs point to yes. Stiller “is the owner of a fabulous beachfront home on the Hawaiian island of Kauai.” He “imported rare foliage for his estate — and the plants came with African ants that have been wreaking havoc on the island’s ecosystem.” Supposedly Stiller “feels terrible about it. He knows this is making him look like an obnoxious celebrity idiot. Ben has already offered to pay whatever it takes to fix the problem.” This sounds like a Ben Stiller comedy. Neurotic weird guy ruins fragile ancient ecosystem!

Kate Hudson Is Jealous of Scarlett Johansson: “Nothing can decimate a star’s ego like watching a rival’s stunning career success.” Kate Hudson is envious of “longtime frenemy” Scarlett Johansson and her role in The Avengers. Maybe you shouldn’t have painted yourself into a corner with those terrible rom-coms. “Scarlett and Kate’s rivalry began years ago, when they were competing for Justin Timberlake.” They supposedly hooked up with him in consecutive months, which sounds like it was a really good couple of months if you’re Justin Timberlake. “It’s incredibly petty, but she still bitches about Scarlett to this day. Every time Kate gets an endorsement deal she Googles to see Scarlett’s deal so she can compare. Kate hasn’t had a major hit in ages, but she’s letting it be known that she’s ready to break out of her mold and become the It Girl in Hollywood again.” I’m gonna say Scarlett has the edge here, Kate.

Bruce Willis Wants His Daughters to Respect Demi Moore: “Rumer, 23, Scout, 21, and Tallulah, 18, distanced themselves from their mom to get away from her emotional meltdowns. Bruce has let them know their behavior is unacceptable. Bruce is very disappointed in them, and he’s been calling them spoiled and selfish. He doesn’t understand why they are turning on their mom when, for the most part, she’s been an incredibly supportive parent.” This whole situation is very sad, but at least it sounds like Bruce Willis is being kind of mature and cool.

Misc/Etc: “The couple didn’t stop touching or kissing throughout the party” “Lindsay Lohan looked a little, um, the worse for wear, as she left the Chateau Marmont” “the Papa Hemingway lookalike contest” “the wildly passionate Heathcliff and Cathy” “Minka Kelly played Frisbee with her cockapoo, Chewbacca” “suck her finger” “Kim Kardashian found something quicker than her 72-day marriage!” “What woman doesn’t love a bad boy?” “put on his best beanie and plastic necklace” “Being a dad sure does agree with Ben Affleck” “Diddy got a visit from the Bottle Fairy” “a llama is no sweat!” “channels his bad-boy tendencies into darkly charismatic roles” “She doesn’t want to ride his coattails” “once a hefty and obsequious second fiddle” “I have to admit, my mom doing laundry was pretty great” “I felt like a hamster on a wheel” “turned into a Monster Mash party” “WOMEN OVER 40 SHOULD WEAR LESS MAKEUP” “Make sure you give this Scorpio man his cave to brood in or he will bolt” “a dynamo in the bedroom” “smaller than one of her daddy’s biceps” “Super Bowl, Shmuper Bowl!”

InTouch

Suri Cruise: “I Want My Daddy!” Accustomed to a private-plane lifestyle since birth, Suri didn’t take too well to being shuffled back in with commoners. “Suri was complaining that her ear hurt, and that she didn’t like flying. Then she started screaming and crying, and punching the window. She said, ‘Mommy, never take me on a plane like this again. I want to go on Daddy’s plane!'” Katie tried to calm Suri by showing her photos, but Suri grabbed the phone and called Tom. “Suri was saying ‘I love you, Daddy.'” In the mode of “many divorced dads who spend limited time with their kids, Tom lavished gifts and attention on Suri during their visit.” Suri, of course, would prefer her luxury lifestyle not go away. “I’m sure she’s said to Katie ‘I want to live with Daddy.’ That’s Tom’s whole thing, the fabulous life — the private jets and helicopters, the beautiful houses, the sweets and treats and toys. What kid wouldn’t love that?” Maybe a Buddhist one? “Tom woos people. That’s what he does. He woos the media, he woos Hollywood. He can woo his kid.” Suri has been acting out by throwing tantrums in public, including a recent one about a puppy. “Daddy won’t make you wait at an airport terminal. He doesn’t say no, but Mom does. Who would you rather be with if you were 6?” Katie knows “she can’t compete with Tom on luxury, but she’s not trying to. She’s just trying to be a parent.”

Jersey Shore‘s JWOWW Wants a Wedding Ring: “I don’t even care about the marriage — I want a huge ring to show everyone!” Sounds super healthy and destined to be a success!

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino Almost Died: He paints a picture of rock-bottom. “I was in a hotel room watching a movie. He doesn’t recall what hotel — or even which city — he was in, because by then the lovable MTV personality best known as ‘The Situation’ was in the throes of a drug problem that had him popping up to 15 pills each day of the powerful and addictive painkiller Oxycodone.” He realized the movie starred Brittany Murphy. “All of a sudden I was like, ‘Wait, didn’t she die on prescription painkillers? That could be me. Am I going to be the guy that’s awesome on Jersey Shore and then … that’s it?'” He tried to get off pills cold turkey, to no avail, but suffered “withdrawal systems so severe he had trouble getting out of bed” to hit scheduled paid promotional appearances. “I was going to get paid $40,000 to go hang out for an hour. I didn’t even care. When you’re dependent on a substance it’s the only thing that matters.” He realized that “if I didn’t fix the problem, there’d be no Situation.” He got into painkillers after being prescribed them for a legitimate injury during Dancing With the Stars. “They gave me energy. I was euphoric.” His sister noticed a change in his personality. “It was one of those things that happens so slowly and then, out of nowhere, takes on a life of its own.” Mike says, “Whatever I do, I take it to the max, until the wheels fall off.” He hit rehab with “a Rocky attitude,” listening to “‘Eye of the Tiger’ on repeat the whole time.” His stated goal was “to become the best Mike I could be.” Please hire Channing Tatum to play him in the bio-pic.

Khloe Kardashian & Lamar Odom: “Khloe’s eyes glistened as she looked at the little pink bundle in her arms. As she cooed over her newborn niece, Penelope Disick, Khloe fought back tears and the storm of emotions she was feeling. While the 28-year-old had blogged that she was ‘exploding with joy’ over her sister Kourtney’s new baby, there was also a deep sadness tugging at Khloe’s heart as she realized she might never get to hold a baby of her own.” Odom has put parenting on the back burner in order to focus on his Clippers comeback. While her sister Kourtney has gotten pregnant easily twice, Khloe has been trying since 2009, and is getting hormone therapy IVF treatments. “At times she’s not as happy around Lamar as she’d like to be because she’s feeling really distracted and emotional. The Keeping Up With the Kardashians star feels let down by her body, and Lamar, who’s putting his needs before hers. While Khloe has a husband she loves, a great job, and a good relationship with her family, that doesn’t really matter to her because after trying for two years she still can’t have a baby.” I mean, seriously though, Khloe, it could be worse. But I do feel 4 u girl. “Lamar isn’t finding time for Khloe right now. But he hasn’t said that he doesn’t want to have a family with her. They’re just taking a break from treatments now, but in the fall they’ll try again.”

Misc/Etc: “Too frumpy” “I styled my hair like fro-yo” “alleged promiscuity” “He laughs at her wisdom” “She is so girly!” “Bring Your Boy Toy To Work Day?” “42 and still fabulous” “staring down at a sparkling 3.5-carat diamond and a suitor on bended knee” “You will never feel lonely ever again” “laid-back young lovers” “He didn’t know that she had been sleeping with other people” “obsessive about controlling her image” “usually buttoned-up, duty-bound” “Their body language tells us that they are in love” “His new lady studied his toned body” “a young bikini-clad mystery woman” “I’m too busy to date” “break out the diaper cream!” “beach, school, karate lessons” “As a mother, you can’t just call in sick when you’re lovesick” “a lobster dinner at a friend’s secluded lakeside home” “sharing a small bench, pizza, and deep conversation” “Whose booty will fill the final chair?” “having a Virgo!” “He continues to play the field, despite reports he’s eager to settle down and start a family” “admired dresses for herself, while her baby didn’t even make a peep!” “just to keep the sides tight and get more fresh”

OK!

Katie Holmes’s Secret Diary: “In what may be the most turbulent period of her life — perhaps more wrenching than any angst experienced by Joey Potter, the troubled teen she played on Dawson’s Creek — Katie Holmes is putting her emotions on paper. The actress writes in the most intimate detail of her failed marriage to Tom Cruise, the challenges of giving their daughter Suri some semblance of a normal life, and even the secretive world of Scientology. But before publishers choke from salivating, Katie’s confessions are for her eyes only.” Which explains how OK! magazine got wind of it … how, exactly? “Obviously it would be a disaster if it got in the wrong hands. She keeps the diary in her purse and is careful not to ever leave it out anywhere. It’s not something that will ever see the light of day publicly, but it’s cathartic and healing for Katie.” Is anyone else hoping they put Katie back in the Batman franchise?

Rihanna: “I’m eating everything in life! I miss my ass. It just went away. I need a butt.” I love u.

Kanye Disapproves of Kim K’s Crash Dieting: “Kim was speechless, especially when he told her he missed her love handles. Kim initially thought he was joking, but he was serious.” When Kanye is joking, you will know. Also, I think I just understood what “love handles” actually means for the first time ever, and it is filthy, huh? “Kanye can’t understand why she has lost weight when she knows it’s not the look he likes. He thinks Kim should be doing everything to please him — not herself!” Kanye “is taking it very personally. He’s been sulking and taking it as a sign that Kim is getting restless. He’s quite clingy, and it drives Kim a little nuts.” HUH?

Misc/Etc: “We refer to it as the sex diet” “The best revenge is a fat paycheck” “doesn’t overwhelm, but delights!” “They’ve been bad-mouthing her for being too needy” “I’m not a natural bad-ass” “Does anything make a couple look more right together?” “his hair rising like a souffle” “feels so weird with our clothes on!” “You look like an old liar” “He took care of her after breast-enhancement surgery” “a graduating poetry major who finds it tough to land a job in the real world” “forcing her to make him a magic hat” “She still wasn’t down to her perfect bikini weight” “cruciferous leafy green” “she wants to build her brand” “certainly beautiful enough to be a soap-opera heroine” “Now she only comes back for funerals” “trying to recreate her own clean-cut youth” “It wasn’t normal for her only friends to be her parents and her dolls.” “a mix of Adderall, Red Bull, and nitrous oxide” “drink beer and escape their dull family lives”

Filed Under: Ben Affleck, Ben Stiller, Bruce Willis, Demi Moore, Heidi Klum, Jason Segel, Jersey Shore, Jessica Simpson, John Mayer, Justin Timberlake, Kanye West, Kate Beckinsale, Katie Holmes, Katy Perry, Kourtney Kardashian, Kristen Stewart, Lindsay Lohan, Michelle Williams, Mila Kunis, Minka Kelly, Molly's Magazines, Robert Pattinson, Russell Brand, Scarlett Johansson, Scott Disick, Sofia Vergara, Suri Cruise, Taylor Swift, Tom Cruise

Photo on 2014-01-10 at 12.58 #3

Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

Archive @ mollylambert