Prince Harry’s Royal Jewels … and Other Horror Stories From This Week’s Tabloids

Us Weekly

Prince Harry Is Out of Control: En route to Las Vegas the ginger prince “had two things in his sights: vodka and women.” And I’m all out of bubble gum. “The trip was like The Hangover, only without the monkey.” That’s The Hangover II; The Hangover had a tiger. “He was naked for a long time at the party. He kept spilling his drinks and dancing. He didn’t seem to care what he did.” But after photos leaked online, the British monarchy expressed their extreme disapproval. “Harry was pressured to delete his secret Facebook account, on which ‘Spike Wells’ could post ginger jokes on himself and interact with pals.” Spike Wells LOLs. The party binge started on Necker Island for Richard Branson’s son Sam’s 27th birthday. “The plan was just to sunbathe, swim and get drunk. With the booze flowing, Harry lived up to his wild kid-brother rep, doling out kisses and sloppy hugs.” A friend says, “Harry’s a funny drunk, but he always seems a bit vulnerable.” Perhaps he’s been thinking about his mother Princess Diana, as it comes up on her death’s 15th anniversary. “Dirty Harry” has had a trail of scandals, including brawls with photographers, reports of using racist epithets, and his famous 2005 Nazi Halloween costume. Harry may have been trying to “force the queen’s hand all along” with his recent nude billiards antics. “Harry has been making a case for a redeployment to Afghanistan, which he worried the palace would deem too dangerous. He’s definitely going now. The royal family will want to redeem his image. This sort of move is very clever. Clever like a ginger fox.”

Taylor Swift Ruins a Kennedy Wedding, Doesn’t Care: Swift and her 18-year-old “beau Conor Kennedy showed up uninvited to his cousin Kyle’s wedding. Blame it on love: When her man mentioned the fete, Swift jumped at the chance to tag along. The problem, according to mother of the bride Victoria Gifford Kennedy, was that Conor, 18, failed to RSVP. An hour before the Boston affair, he texted, asking to bring the star, 22.” Texting an hour before a highly formal event saying you’re gonna show up? Sounds like an 18-year-old dude to me. “I responded with a very clear, ‘Please do not come,’” Victoria told the Boston Herald. When Swift’s arrival caused a stir, threatening to upstage her daughter, Victoria asked her to leave — twice.” Taylor pretended not to hear her and stayed. Her friends claim it was “a huge misunderstanding” and that Taylor is really “polite and respectful.” I don’t know, sounds like Taylor threw some shade. Don’t you know who I am? We are never ever leaving this wedding. Like, ever.

John Mayer & Katy Perry: “He dumped her over email.” I’m sorry, I can’t, don’t hate me. “She was furious and really hurt. She was into him, but he wasn’t feeling it.” She’s been nursing her broken heart by hanging out with best friend Shannon Woodward, with whom she hit up Disneyland last week. Perry’s friends told her to avoid investing her feelings in John Mayer too much, but she couldn’t help it. “They felt it was just a rebound and worried about his intentions. They urged her to cool it.” Can’t wait to hear the song, though. Meanwhile, Russell Brand has been spending sexy time with Ginger Spice, who is sadly no longer ginger.

Things You Don’t Know About Tyra Banks (Excerpts):

  • “I’ve got rhymes! When I give speeches, I finish with a poetic rap”
  • “My favorite word is flawsome. You + your flaws + awesome = flawsome!”
  • “I’d be a giraffe, with my long neck and eyelashes!”
  • “I eat burgers with no bun, extra mayo”
  • “I often go to amusement parks in disguise”
  • “I Instagram so much I’m getting carpal tunnel syndrome”
  • “I always teach waitresses how to booty tooch. That’s popping your booty out while you pose.”
  • When Will Clive Owen’s Daughters See Closer? “I don’t care if they’re 35, I don’t want them to see that.” Sorry your dad is so hot, Clive Owen’s daughters.

    Gwen Stefani: “I try not to be, but I’m super neurotic about diet.” YOU’RE PERFECT, GWEN.

    Minka Kelly & Chris Evans: The couple dated in 2007, when Kelly reportedly dumped him for Derek Jeter, but have recently rekindled their romance. “She did a number on him back then.” Chris hopes he doesn’t get screwed over again. “He’s still a little insecure, so he’s being cautious.” Have you seen the Peter Berg–directed video where Minka Kelly plays Adam Levine’s girlfriend and they’re a poor couple and he’s a boxer? Here you go.

    Mila Kunis & Ashton Kutcher: “They were loving Dodger Dogs and pretzels.” Who doesn’t?

    Emily Maynard & Jef Holm: The bloom is off the final rose. “Emily even said ‘Jef’s not Mormon, he’s bore-mon.’”

    Misc/Etc: “I’m a tomboy!” “He maintained his innocence” “female backpack” “pounding it out” “I’ll leave you, I swear” “I felt the design captured Spain” “I like to call it Watermelon Jolly Rancher!” “Miley’s NYC Punk Look” “plucked proof of an infraction” “Dick Van Dyke stocked up on paper towels” “buttered up in Bucharest” “let it blow” “tag along with baby Mabel” “They’re seriously obsessed with each other” “He gave a speech about how much he loved her” “The girls were very curious!” “the supermodel’s native land” “grinded and gyrated” “It was tacky” “the brash bad boy” “filling their cart with containers of Pringles, deli meats and cat food” “(whom she seduces!)” “get horizontal” “it’s more fun to have that tension” “Lambert hands her departing man a breakfast sandwich.”

    Star

    Suri Cruise & Shiloh Pitt: No, they’re not dating … yet. “While both tots have every luxury, their lives lack one element crucial to child development: boundaries. According to those close to their nannies, both girls are allowed, even encouraged to do whatever they want, whenever they want — even if it seems strange or downright wrong to outsiders.” Hit me with your worst shot, Star! Shiloh “has spent her life trying to emulate her father.” The tomboy “considers herself a boy. She will only wear boys’ clothes.” Angelina “refused to let her use a public men’s restroom recently, prompting Shiloh to yell, “I want to be a boy, like Daddy!” I can’t imagine Angelina Jolie would be upset if Shiloh used a men’s restroom, or be mad at all that her daughter might identify as male. “Both parents allow Shiloh to indulge her tomboy fixation, even standing by as she collects dead animals. Shiloh loves tarantulas. She begs her brothers to play ‘Spiders’ with her and tortures her sisters by chasing them around with the dead spiders.” WELL YEAH, CAUSE THEY WOULDN’T PLAY SPIDERS. Angelina bought Shiloh “a taxidermy bird.” They’re the Addams family! The Jolie-Pitt children all suffer from a lack of boundaries. Seriously, though, she wears T-shirts? She has bad table manners? She disobeys rules? She sounds like a kid. “She loves getting bloody. If she gets a bloody knee, she acts like it’s a medal of honor.”

    Suri Cruise, on the other hand, is a frilly child princess out of a Victorian girls’ novel. “Suri’s only playmates are nonexistent. Suri loves her imaginary friends, Tom and Katie think it’s strange but they just want her to be happy, so they go along with it.” After the couple split, Katie overindulged her daughter’s fantasies. “Katie spent money on high-end furniture and had an interior decorator decorate a room just for Suri’s imaginary friends, even going so far as letting Suri pick out the colors and toys for them.” And of course “Tom’s Scientology-prescribed parenting style involves treating Suri like an adult — which means letting her eat whatever she wants. And he and Katie have lavished their little girl with everything from $25,000 tiaras to a $150,000 collection of shoes, including gold Louboutins.” COOL IDEA. “Suri loves credit cards, so Katie added Suri’s name to one of her cards and lets her use it to buy candy each week.” COOLER IDEA. Candy that she feeds her imaginary friends. “While most kids sip from cups, Suri prefers a baby bottle. She’s been known to demand fresh-baked cupcakes on a golden platter at 1 a.m.” I mean, if you could demand fresh-baked cupcakes in the middle of the night it might happen once or twice.

    A psychologist weighs in and says that “for these two girls, time with their parents is replaced with overindulgence.” But “kids need discipline to help them learn right from wrong and to develop strong relationships later in life.” Also so they don’t turn into entitled spoiled brats from hell. “Their biggest similarity is that they are both going to end up on the psychiatry couch for many years.” And the tabloid covers!

    Kim Kardashian’s Beauty Budget: Kim spends $2,175 a week on treatments and products related to her appearance, like manicures, facials, and lash extensions. Are you surprised?

    Natalie Portman’s Wedding Dress Tax Dodge: “Natalie Portman’s awkward, unflattering $30,000 Rodarte wedding dress was a fashion bomb, but financially it’s a hit! Since the pricey gown was a gift from the label, the Black Swan bride worried she’d be paying hefty taxes on the dress. But Rodarte, who is keen to make Natalie the brand’s new face, declared the dress on loan ‘indefinitely,’ meaning Nat wouldn’t be on the hook for an enormous tax bill.”

    Russell Crowe Smells Terrible: “Russell Crowe totally transformed himself to play biblical boatbuilder Noah in Darren Aronofsky’s upcoming epic film Noah.” Part of his method acting? “He’s been experimenting with skipping showers. He has to look like a very old, very weathered man for this movie, but you don’t want to be inhaling when he walks past. He reeks!” His weight gain for the film isn’t helping. “All of this is combining to make a potpourri of foulness, and everyone is counting the days until the project is done.” This makes Crowe the latest A-lister, after the perennially smelly Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt, to be called out for his rank personal-hygiene habits.

    Connor Cruise: “has become a major cougar magnet.” Tom’s son has been “cutting a wild swath through Hollywood, earning big bucks in his DJ career and picking up a slew of girls … well not girls exactly.” Although Connor “usually turns down his middle-aged admirers,” dad Tom is still worried about “women preying on his son.”

    Jessica Chastain: “I hope that people don’t get sick of me.” She also says, “I work with a lot of men you would think would be scary — Tom Hardy, Michael Shannon, Al Pacino, Sean Penn. They have an aggressive vibe, but it’s because they have this vulnerability. So once you get to know them, they’re all kittens.” Did you know she refuses to reveal her real age? That just means she’s over 30, in actress. “I never say. Clearly, I’m not 15. But I like mystery.”

    Bai Ling: “Why not just call her Babe-ling?”

    Anthony Bourdain: In the season opener of No Reservations, “he visits Austin, Texas during the South by Southwest festival — and gets a tattoo while waiting for a whole pig to roast. Bourdain claims to hate hipsters, but he’s as hip as they come.”

    Misc/Etc: “Bear-hugging an undressed woman” “He’d also continue to party with the ladies” “She’s too busy with her boyfriend” “Isn’t he entitled to some fun?” “Who says yard work can’t be sexy?” “Who says money can’t buy friends?” “Must be tasty!” “Potato-sack party!” “toned and tiny” “The roses are gold” “it’s skeletal-ing” “tarty-old-widow outfit” “his pants are too low” “a slew of dummy followers” “openly accused her of being fake and desperate” “it’s no secret Miley likes to party” “can’t blame anyone but himself for his drinking” “hurt and confused that she’s ignoring them” “had a baby and doesn’t care about clubbing” “All-natural ladies need not apply!” “This relationship is totes over, obvi” “baby-hungry” “the ugly side of Hollywood” “unbearably attractive couple” “GETTING OLDER DOESN’T MEAN YOU’LL GET LESS HOT” “You can’t be vain”

    In Touch


    Tom Cruise Looking For a New Wife: Like an evil viscount or ancient vampire in a romance novel, Tom must have a mate. “He is definitely looking.” He was at the Hotel Bel-Air in Wolfgang Puck’s restaurant “aggressively checking out a brunette during a recent business dinner. He seemed pretty distracted.” He’s erased Katie from his database. “When a relationship is over, he just emotionally wipes the woman out. If it weren’t for Suri he’d never think about Katie again.” Right, because if you’re a god whose success is predestined, what does it mean that one of your ventures failed? “He’s already looking for the next Mrs. Cruise. He’s asked friends to set him up with girls. Scientology expert Rick Ross … ” HOLD UP HOLD UP. There’s a Scientology expert named Rick Ross. It’s probably just the rapper Rick Ross. “He split with Katie and Nicole Kidman because of Scientology. This time, he’ll likely pick someone with deep roots in the organization. Tom will have access to a lot of information about any girl that catches his eye.” And since Tom “is aware he has an image problem,” he’s hoping a replacement appears sooner than later. “He has about three months before he has to promote his next movie. I’d be very surprised if he doesn’t have a new woman in his life by then.” But “while Tom is on the hunt, Katie is focused on her No. 1 concern in life: Suri. Katie hasn’t even begun to think about dating.”

    Jennifer Lopez: “Do not arouse the wrath of the great and powerful J. Lo!” The stubborn Lopez “never admits when she is wrong or embarrassed. She’s been that way since she was 12.” Leah Remini went on a girls’ weekend with BFF J.Lo to try to convince her to dump Casper Smart. Remini “used the opportunity to gush about Jennifer’s ex Marc Anthony’s new girlfriend Shannon De Lima. That’s exactly the type of thing that gets to Jennifer. It makes her sad and jealous.” Her closest friends “suspect Smart is just a gold digger and a player,” as his visit to an exotic massage parlor suggested. Jennifer is “not feeling it as much.” But since she previously felt her love was strong enough to hire Smart as her lead choreographer, she’s “in no rush to pull the plug — just yet. The whole ‘let’s get married and have a kid’ thing is definitely over. She’ll wait until the tour’s September break to really think things over.” September: the month of really thinking things over.

    Nick Lachey: “I’M READY TO NEVER SLEEP AGAIN.”

    Misc/Etc: “Dangerous city for a party boy” “Jennifer Lopez wears many hats, but this one is the strangest” “I styled my hair like caramel candy” “No wood-paneled station wagon?” “swampy chapter” “I myself am bisexual” “start partying again after boredom sets in” “early Halloween shopping” “accessorizes her LBD with a baseball bat” “unbuttons her pants to make room for her growing belly” “out for pan-Asian food” “a selfish violence-prone party boy who has humiliated her” “outing to a frozen yogurt shop” “confronted him about smoking pot” “Scott’s friends in Miami are partiers, and they’re all on the club scene” “The clubs even stay open later than in LA” “a horrifying experience for an already-exhausted mom” “a drunken frat boy” “blackened their name” “a tragic loss from which they’ll never fully recover” “glamour and dignity” “She would love to have made him her boyfriend” “DADDY, I’M SCARED” “Every girl dreams of a ring”

    OK!


    Katy Perry & John Mayer: “He’d come up with all kinds of excuses to not suit up and show up. And you can tell that sort of shit doesn’t fly with adult women.”

    Jennifer Lopez: “The most important quality is that he is sweet. I like the good guys.” Aw, J.Lo, that is so cute and not true at all. Please dump Casper Smart and work on it.

    Maria Sharapova: Has a line of candy called “Sugarpova.”

    Alanis Morisette & Alicia Silverstone: The ’90s icons are best friends. Isn’t it ironic? Not really, since they’re both super into healthy new age living. Silverstone supported her friend as she put her handprints in the Guitar Center Hollywood RockWalk. Alicia says of her friend, “This woman was my idol, I was obsessed with her, and so looking back truly moves me. She’s such a talented lady.” Alanis herself decided to do it because friends encouraged her to “enjoy the egoic aspects of this fantastic career, so here I am.” Put Alicia in a video, Alanis! You can play the Liv Tyler role in an updated version of Aerosmith’s “Crazy” where the wild girls are now vegan moms.

    Kanye & Kim: “Kanye begs Kim, ‘Don’t turn into your mom.’” Oh boy. “Kanye is terrified of women turning into their mothers.” Cool story, OK! “Kris can be fearsome at the best of times, and Kim already shares some of her traits. Kim can be bossy, and she likes to be in control, getting her own way.” UNLIKE KANYE. “When they started dating Kanye adored the way that Kim was assertive and ambitious. But now the novelty is wearing off. She’s full-on all the time and he can’t ever relax.” I don’t think it’s her fault that ‘Ye can’t relax. “Much as Kanye loves Kim, he’s terrified that as she gets older she’ll become more like her mom — and he’s not sure he can live with that.” He got mad at her for being messy. “Despite his bad-boy image, Kanye is actually a neat freak.” Um, you can be a neat-freak bad boy. Patrick Bateman? “Kanye suddenly had a horrible premonition of how his life could turn out. In Kris, he could see how Kim might be in twenty years.” Oh for fuck’s sake. “He’s seen what a tough time Bruce Jenner gets and the last thing he wants is to be henpecked like him! Kanye, 35, was also alarmed by a recent interview in which Kim, 31, said she was looking forward to growing old with Kanye and being together when they were 80. That set alarm bells ringing for Kanye. He sees Kim for the sexy woman she is but suddenly it’s dawned on him that she’s not going to stay hot forever.” Oh for motherfucking fuck’s sake. “He’s not so sure he wants to grow old with someone. Much as he likes the idea of marriage and babies, he also likes the idea of having a hot young wife, even when he’s old himself.” (Drops mic.)

    Jessica Simpson: Simpson’s parents are separating, and “as she watches her parents’ marriage dissolve Jessica is rethinking matrimony altogether. She told (fiancé) Eric that she has lost her faith in marriage.” She doesn’t know where to turn. “Jessica was counting on Ashlee’s emotional support, but they can’t get along anymore. Ashlee doesn’t call, and she certainly doesn’t help Jessica.”

    Taylor Swift: “She hates seeing famous guys because they always try to avoid going out on dates. They always just invited her over to their house, using the paparazzi as an excuse.” LOL. I bet Taylor loves Girls. “But Conor asked her on a proper date, like an old-school gentleman. He’s an old soul. An old soul who still does homework.” He’s 18. It might be his first date ever. She is going to ride that Kennedy connection into the ground. “Taylor is an old-fashioned country girl at heart and always imagined getting married young. Most of her old friends are already married and on their first baby, so Taylor feels left behind.” This will end well. “Conor makes her feel like the most beautiful, special girl in the world. She says it’s like a fairy tale and she doesn’t want it to end.” Bonus gossip: Conor’s dad, RFK Jr., is dating Cheryl Hines! Does that mean Taylor could eventually be Cheryl Hines’s daughter-in-law? Does LD know he’s almost a Kennedy? LD!

    Liv Tyler: “I feel like I have cotton balls in my head.”

    Misc/Etc: “Meanwhile another ex released nude photos” “don’t let the ecru suit fool you” “I can float!” “Shaquille O’Neil got in the sombrero spirit and jumped in with a mariachi band” “published reports that she’s been sexting another man” “You call that a peach? This is a peach” “No it’s not OK! No one is that important!” “A detailed accounting of all the ladies John Mayer has dated over the years might explain his need to chat on at least two cell phones” “Vivienne got the role through her agent – Mom!” “His bad boy naughtiness is his charm” “That’s when Jennifer Aniston, 43, is planning to end her single life.” “He’s worried that he’d be total jailbait in there” “Kids called her a bitch!”

    Filed Under: Ashton Kutcher, Chris Evans, Emily Maynard, Gwen Stefani, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Lopez, Jessica Chastain, Jessica Simpson, John Mayer, Kanye West, Katy Perry, Kim Kardashian, Mila Kunis, Minka Kelly, Molly's Magazines, Natalie Portman, Prince Harry, Russell Brand, Russell Crowe, Star, Suri Cruise, Tabloids, Taylor Swift, Tom Cruise, Us Weekly

    Photo on 2014-01-10 at 12.58 #3

    Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

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