Prince Harry Is Crushin’ on Jennifer Lawrence … and Other Absurdities From This Week’s Tabloids
Jennifer Lawrence & Prince Harry: “When you’re Hollywood’s It Girl, strange men become infatuated with you, inhaling your every utterance, typing your name into endless Google image searches. They might be accountants, laborers, lawyers, cashiers — or, in the case of Jennifer Lawrence, the Prince of Wales. That’s right, Britain’s Prince Harry has a royal crush on the Oscar-winning star of Silver Linings Playbook. After a four-month army hitch in Afghanistan, the rakish redhead, 28, is set to visit the U.S. in May and despite his on/off romance with Brit model Cressida Bonas, scoring a date with J-Law, 22, is at the top of his agenda.” The name Cressida Bonas will never stop making me laugh. “Harry has given his flunkies a list of Hollywood hotties he wants to attend” a party he plans to throw. “Harry has a thing for all of them, but Jennifer’s his number-one girl right now.” Is it because she likes to party on hotel balconies with a blunt? Maybe. “Harry thinks Jennifer is a girl after his own heart — very chill and out for a good time.” Everyone thinks that about Lawrence, because duh, that’s her appeal. “Could Jennifer pull a Grace Kelly and live out a princess fantasy?” Something tells me she doesn’t have princess fantasies, but OK. Harry, who is attracted to “buxom blondes” also has a thing for Kate Upton but would possibly switch to brunettes for Vanessa Hudgens.
Misc/Etc: “It was just horrific” “bursting with excitement” “a bottle of wine, pizza, and the two of them” “I’ve definitely got the bug” “Never enter a staring contest with Sandra Bullock’s son” “includes skyscraper boots” “a hot guy in matching leather” “Oh, I thought you were going to go in for a kiss” “criticizing Hollywood’s emphasis on youth” “A ton of kids at school have made fun of me” “I’M NOT CLINGY!” “Brad who?” “he can do that anywhere as long as he has his laptop” “I’m old fashioned” “They want to get the wedding over and done” “I knew I had Oreos in my cabinet downstairs” “It’s like sugar in your coffee” “I saw naked people!” “my first sex scene.”
Gwyneth Paltrow on That Alexander McQueen Goth Dress She Wore to the Oscars in 2002: “I should have worn a bra.”
Lauren Conrad Regrets Jean Capris: “They were so bad.”
Things You Don’t Know About Tim Gunn (Excerpted):
- “My father was an FBI agent under J. Edgar Hoover for 26 years.”
- “My favorite movie is The Wizard of Oz.”
- “When people ask me for advice, I never critique the things they can’t change.”
- “My role as mentor on Project Runway was created mere days before taping the first season.”
- “I have an aversion to parties.”
- “I go to the Metropolitan Museum of Art about once a week.”
- “I have not had an intimate relationship in 30 years.”
January Jones on Single Motherhood: “People keep saying, ‘Oh, poor you,’ but I don’t want to be pitied. I don’t think it’s something I need to feel sorry about.”
Tina Fey: Fey reveals she was rejected from Princeton, but has no regrets about going to the University of Virginia instead. Her job during college? “I made cheesesteaks at a swim club snack bar so my mom could have free access to the pool.” She also asks Paul Rudd to tell the rest of the Anchorman sequel cast that she wants in.
Taylor Swift & Harry Styles: “Was she merely a pawn in a playboy’s game?” A dissection of the Swift profile in Vanity Fair aims to find out. She took Harry Styles back after he confessed to cheating on her only to have “her heart broken again when he became aloof.” Yes, a great way to get guys to not be aloof is to call them out on it in a cover story for a national magazine (or Facebook, for all you regular civilians). On their trip to the Caribbean, “Styles, sources say, left her alone on their yacht for hours. Upon his return, they fought, and she stormed off in tears. Now a Swift source reveals what he said that set her off: ‘I want to get drinks without you because you’re so fucking boring.’” Wayyyyy harsh, Styles.
Anne Hathaway & Adam Shulman: “After a legion of so-called ‘Hatha-haters’ accused her of saccharine speeches during awards season, Anne Hathaway was really upset. Humiliated, the actress, 30, has turned to husband Adam Shulman, 31, for support. The Oscar experience was a little soured, but he tells her she can do no wrong. The newlyweds are lying low in Brooklyn.”
Would Kim Kardashian Be a Bond Girl? “Maybe a Bond movie with three villain sisters!” YES! DO IT!!! KRIS JENNER IF YOU MAKE ONE THING HAPPEN FOR YOUR DAUGHTERS, PLEASE LET IT BE THIS.
How Did They Get the Spring Breakers Cast to Feel Chill in Bikinis? Costumer Heidi Bivens (Justin Theroux’s ex) says “When any of them got self-conscious, I’d say, ‘When you’re in your sixties, you’ll look back at this movie and be so stoked!’” I don’t know about that advice so much, Heidi. It might just make them feel bad?
Rihanna: “I’m not afraid of any person in this world but my mother.”
Sarah Jessica Parker: SJP “revealed that she has given up heels (except for special events) due to a foot deformity caused by years of walking in stilettos for Sex and the City.” COMFORT > STYLE.
Nicki Minaj: “I list green olives on my rider, so when I’m leaving events I’ll sometimes throw the whole jar in my bag!” Watch out when you’re eating those green olives that you don’t get a huge splinter in your ass, Nicki!
Misc/Etc: ”I felt lost, unloved, alone, and at my wits’ end” “unshowered and coverers in spit-up, she began sobbing” “she went for a drive, blasted OneRepublic music and grabbed some Starbucks” “I didn’t feel like a woman, a mom, a wife” “was once Hollywood’s highest-paid actress” “Return to the Millennium Falcon!” “I like getting dressed up, I’m that girl.” “There’s some bats that I’ll be removing!” “I carry all of my stress in my neck” “Skinny jeans are hereditary!” “You only have one body!” “Jennifer is a hipster mom!” “had “no problem running around in skimpy bikinis” “no babies, no husbands!” “Fairy Tale Family Life” “enjoys being pregnant” “No one thinks they’ll actually get married” “decide whether you’ll be bitter or better.”
Justin Bieber’s Breakdown? “Everyone is worried about Justin. He’s smoking weed and drinking sizzurp nonstop, and it’s starting to really affect him.” Three 6 Mafia want nothing to do with this little squirt. “Sizzurp, also known as Purple Drank, is a potentially lethal combination of prescription cough syrup (containing promethazine and codeine), Sprite and candy.” There doesn’t HAVE to be candy; it’s a garnish. “It’s gotten so bad that people are begging him to go to rehab. His team is terrified that he is turning into the male Britney Spears.” They might not be wrong. “Sizzurp can cause serious respiratory problems and heart failure, while the over-the-counter version is just as dangerous” and “can cause hallucinations similar to those created by PCP or ketamine.” Could this new vice be to blame for Justin’s London antics? What’s Kanye’s excuse? “Are these simply the antics of a headstrong teenage millionaire, or a burgeoning drug addict?” His birthday party was ruined after the “weak ass club” wouldn’t let him invite underage friends like 14-year-old Jaden Smith in. The night before Bieber’s O2 arena show, he “threw a massive tantrum” and showed up to the stage hours late. A couple of days later, he “was spotted wearing a gas mask.” The day after that, he “fainted backstage and was rushed to the hospital after the show, but was still well enough to tweet half-naked photos. Was sizzurp to blame for his collapse?” He canceled his Portugal show, claiming illness, but “poor ticket sales were likely to blame.” With the return of Justin Timberlake and Bieber’s unexpected meltdown, “is the world finally recovering from Bieber fever?” Maybe.
Brad Pitt Wears Spanx: “He’s been to London and lives in France, and now Brad Pitt wears ladies’ underpants! A source says the superstar has been sporting a girdle to control his pudgy midsection.” Why, though?
Tori Spelling & Dean McDermott: “Tori Spelling is so busy with her four children, her menagerie of pets and her demanding lifestyle business that she can’t see what’s going on right in front of her nose: Her husband, Dean McDermott, is about to walk out on her.” I sure hope Donna Martin has a great pre-nup for her sake. “Tori is in total denial. She always goes on and on about how strong her marriage is, but the truth is that it’s all totally fake — her marriage is a sham. They fight nonstop and Dean has completely checked out. Their marriage is over.” Since he got with Tori while he was already married to Mary Jo Eustace, it’s not too surprising. “He charmed Tori but he’s a cheater. He has a real sex addiction.” Ugh, you mean a big ego and no ethics. “Dean has no conscience. He was ruthless when he left Mary Jo for Tori, and he will be ruthless when he drops Tori and moves on.”
Kim Richards: “When Paris Hilton finds your behavior embarrassing and inappropriate, it’s time to reevaluate your life.” Sad faces forever. Kim Richards “arrived at Harrah’s Peek nightclub in Lake Tahoe looking loopy, with a very unnatural smile plastered across her face. She was gyrating with a shirtless go-go dancer, stuffing dollars in his pants and dancing wildly on stage. It was so inappropriate at a family event!” Uh, not if the family event is Paris Hilton’s birthday.
Misc/Etc: “D-List sex-tape star to worldwide celebrity” “Rumor has it, she hires only trim staffers” “This is why they make retirement communities” “FROM MOTHER TO SMOTHER!” “She would fake a smile and then roll her eyes when the cameras weren’t flashing” “fawns over him and chases him around” “a real Debbie Downer and that she’s always complaining about something” “making the tacky move” “an X-rated actor shilling champagne” “snorkeled with rays and fed exotic birds” “the boy bander sported quite the manicure” “faked a snooze” “She told him she’ll hide his credit cards” “they were straight-up kissing” “not showing an attractive side of herself” “more and more unhappy and angry” “colossal gall to match his colossal ego” “shied away from being too showy” “confessed to being self-conscious.”
Miley Cyrus Stops Wearing Engagement Ring: “Although Miley, 20, is claiming to be unfazed by talk that Liam cheated on her with Mad Men star January Jones, friends say that in fact the singer is devastated.” Aww, Miley. “Miley hates the rumors and can’t deal with everyone talking about it. She took her ring off because she’s so upset with Liam.” He fled to Australia, which prompted more breakup rumors. “Liam’s skyrocketing fame fueled Miley’s insecurity even before the cheating scandal.” He was an unknown when they made The Last Song together, but after The Hunger Games, he’s a name. “Miley’s struggling and Liam is a massive star.” I don’t know about massive. “She’s afraid he’ll ditch her.”
Terrence Howard on Oprah: “We had such chemistry. To be able to have those love scenes with her and those tig ol’ bitties. She’s such a voluptuous woman.” You are in danger, Terrence Howard. Bring your baby wipes.
Whitney Houston & Ricky Schroder: They hooked up in the ’80s, he admitted on Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live when she guested on Silver Spoons. “She was like 18. She was really hot. It was a one-time thing. I never saw her again!”
The Tanning Mom: “I want to go somewhere hot so I can fry like a bacon and come back and say, ‘Ha! Ha! You can’t arrest me for lying in the sun!”
Kim Kardashian’s a Fraud: A deposition from her divorce trial reveals the truth: She “fabricated scenes” after filing for divorce to make it seem like there were problems with the marriage. When Kris Humphries did his “surprise proposal,” she insisted they reshoot it because she had “a bad reaction the first time” and “didn’t like the way her face looked on camera.” Her fake-seeming breakdown where she cried over her marriage ending was induced with a “tear stick.”
Abby Lee Miller from Dance Moms on Settling Down: “I probably won’t. There have been some wonderful men in my life, but I’m way too picky. Besides, I like to do what I like to do. If I want to get a meatball hoagie and sneak it into a movie theater and call that dinner, I will. I guess I don’t want a husband so much as a houseboy. One that wears really short shorts!”
Taylor Swift: “Taylor wants to hurt men the way they hurt her.” By dumping herself?
Jason Segel Back on the Prowl: Segel was “all smiles during an alfresco lunch with a mystery gal following his recent split from Michelle Williams.”
Misc/Etc: “We hate to say it Gwyneth, but Rihanna looks more polished” “notoriously loose-lipped” “people are making fun of her” “disappearing glass doors” “WHICH THEROUX BROTHER IS HOTTER?” “feeling like a milk machine” “sounds fishy!” “I’m surrounded by four handsome men” “January Jones seems less enthralled” “No gym, no problem!” “Mom’s got muscles!” “Blake Lively makes friends with a sloth” “GET OVER IT, TAYLOR!” “doing fine without Justin” “I could be at the courthouse tomorrow!” “I’m not sure he gets the entire picture” “A BABY AT 40” “the flame fizzled fast” “He’s still being very difficult.” “Life is a competition.”