Previous Episode Recap, in Three Characters:

“omg”

The episode starts with two of our liars, Aria and Spencer, discussing Maya’s blog. Aria’s freaking out because she saw a picture of Maya with the same sketchy wrist tattoo from The Night. Spencer’s hearing her, but not having any of it. Why? She forgot to apply early-admission to Penn and got a B on a test, so her life is collapsing. Oh, and her boyfriend hates her. So she’s got other stuff to deal with.

While this conversation is taking place, weird and nosy and semi-hot older lady CeCe walks into the coffee shop and approaches her two protégés. She overhears “Penn” and tells Spencer that she’s going to a house party where a friend from Penn’s admissions office would be in attendance. In 2005, I applied for college online, but according to CeCe if you give your application to a dude at a house party, it works just as well. Spencer’s pumped.

Next, we leave the coffee shop and go to Hanna’s house. There’s a police officer there, of course, but this time he’s talking to Hanna’s mother. Apparently, there’s a court order that says Hanna has to give a blood sample in five days in relation to the Ali DiLaurentis case. The police officer says his words, and then leaves, causing Mama Hanna to freak and do what any good mother would do at this point: call a lawyer highly invested in the case that also happens to be her daughter’s best friend’s mother.

Where’s Hanna? At school, doing the whole school thing. As she begins her familiar strut down the hallway, she catches the eye of ex-boy toy Caleb, a.k.a. Faux Riggins, a.k.a. Fauxgins. They have a chat and are both super awkward. After a few weird seconds, Caleb asks Hanna to deliver a message to Spencer. She takes the note, he leaves, and then she immediately gets a text.

She finds Spencer and they talk about the text. While this is happening, they see Emily and Paige enter the schoolyard. Emily is smiling for the first time in this entire season (she’s just so pretty). Spencer and Hanna haven’t told her about unlocking Maya’s blog, but don’t want to ruin her current, new state of happiness. Just look at them. So cute.

A very not cute scene is the next one, with Aria walking to Ezra’s apartment and hearing loud screaming. When she gets to the door, a guy storms out. It’s Ezra’s brother, Wesley. When he walks out, a conversation takes place. A highly intelligent one.

Snitch Wesley: “Dude, introduce me.”
Snitch Ezra: “Dude, keep walking.”

Wesley walks away and Aria enters Ezra’s room, demanding to know what’s up. According to Ezra, he’s trying to buy back that car he sold (this could easily be false). The car was a family heirloom left to him, but when he gave up his inheritance, it no longer became his to sell. And his mom wants it back. But, in order to buy it, he has to do the worst thing ever, that being borrow money from his horrible mother, because the former buyer, now seller, has marked it up double the original price. Get that?

If you didn’t, that’s fine, because it’s probably all a lie. All that matters is that Wesley is now in the picture and he might be an even shadier character than Ezra.

After this sketchy scene, we go back to the school, where Hanna runs into Emily. Emily notes that she feels as if everyone’s hiding something from her, and Hanna tells her that they’re all hiding something from her. Hanna tells Emily that they broke into Maya’s blog a few days ago, but didn’t want to ruin her great mood. Emily begins her “I don’t need you to protect me, blah blah blah” speech, and Hanna apologizes. Emily takes the password and says she wants to look at it in private.

As Hanna leaves the scene, Hanna’s mother reenters after leaving the Hastings law firm (Spencer’s mom) and is spotted by Goober, a.k.a. the Pastor, a.k.a. Mr. Will Date Anyone’s Mom.

They chat, and even though she seems to be wanting to avoid the situation, the exchange ends with Hanna’s mother walking away, coyly giving him the look-back of interest.

GOOBER’S STILL GOT IT.

After this precious adult flirtation, we spend way too much time watching Spencer decide what to wear to the party that the UPenn guy will be at. They roll up with CeCe in a convertible, and as they make their way to the entrance, they get a stamp.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. IT’S THE STAMPPPPPPPPP.

But before things go any further, we take the saddest detour to Emily, who is reading Maya’s blog for the first time. Things don’t get sadder than this.

I’m not kidding.

OK, back to the party (which we learn is being hosted by Aria’s ex-boyfriend Noel Kahn’s older brother). Upon entering, CeCe and Kahn the Elder start playing a game of “Truth or Truth.” I know this game sounds childish and harmless, but trust me when I say it’s not.

Another quick detour from the party to the Marin household, as we see Hanna’s mom tell her that the cops came by, but that it’s all being taken care of by Spencer’s mom. Hanna hears her out and skips on dinner (because she has to do what the text message says and show up at a location), which means mom can call up an old flame for dinner.

But more important: back to the party. This game of Truth or Truth is getting personal. Questions of arrest and sex tapes are being asked left and right. While Spencer and Aria watch this aggressive game unfold, Noel Kahn (Aria’s ex) walks down the stairs with a girl.

JENNA.

What happens next? A stand-off.

vs.

So good. I live for this. Noel chats up the two for a bit and then shouts at older brother:

“We’re up next. Me and Montgomery.”

This game is so real I can barely stand it.

We depart from the party again, this time as Hanna obeys text message orders and waits on the corner. While she’s standing there, a car pulls up. It’s Fauxgins. Hanna freaks and tells him that he has to leave now and he screams back something mildly important:

I’m “A.”

a;lskdfjasl;dfjals;dfjaldfjal;fdjad;flkajsdfl;asjfa;lsj;lkfajsl;

He wasn’t lying, but he’s not completely correct. He did send her those texts as “A,” but he’s not the real one. He was just trying to get her attention. That’s why you’re “Faux” and not “Real” Riggins.

NOT IMPORTANT. It’s party time again, as Noel and Aria are facing off. He’s asking questions to get her to divulge information about her relationship with Ezra, and she wants to know about Maya. Before the conversation gets too deep, however, time runs out. When this happens, Spencer says aloud that she’s challenging Jenna before the night is over.

HOW DOES THIS EPISODE END?

Six important things:

• Aria leaves the party, calls Ezra, Wes picks up the phone, Wes then picks her up from the party, and then very casually informs Aria that Ezra got a girl pregnant when he was a teenager.
• Hanna’s mom and Pastor Goober have dinner, it obviously gets broken up by a call from the police, but then he does her dishes and then they MAKE OUT.
• Spencer and Jenna have their Truth vs. Truth battle, which comes down to Jenna wanting to know “WHERE’S THE VIDEO?” and Spencer wanting to know “WHERE’S THE BODY?” But then, as with all games about real-life crimes, the time runs out and they go their separate ways.
• Hanna and Fauxgins keep arguing about the lives and “A” and everything and then they MAKE OUT.
• After believing that CeCe bringing Spencer to that party was just an elaborate way to make out with the host/embarrass her, she gets an e-mail saying that her application had been accepted.
• Ezra tells Aria that he did, in fact, get a girl pregnant when he was 18, but then his mom “took care of it,” involving the pregnant girl getting paid off and never speaking to Ezra again. So yeah, this isn’t Mama Fitz’s first rodeo.

I have a bad feeling someone’s going to get kidnapped next episode. This is bad.

BAD BAD.