New Survivor Cast Includes Spank-Crazed 1980s Sitcom Star, the 2000 National League MVP

“I like this cast!” says Jeff Probst in the introductory video CBS just released for the upcoming Survivor: Philippines season, the show’s 700th.

Jeff Probst has a gift for understatement.

The two notable contestant announcements among the canon-fodder normals: Lisa “Blair Warner” Whelchel and former San Francisco Giants MVP Jeff “Hi, Barry Bonds! Call Me!” Kent. You may (or may not, depending on your age) remember Whelchel as the rich, spoiled blonde from the 1980s boarding-school sitcom The Facts of Life, or, if you’re a fan of her more recent vintage of semi-stardom, from her public advocacy of correctional ass-thumping. Whelchel tells EW she’s not going to play the star card, but she’s also not going to pretend she doesn’t have one: “I’m not going to volunteer it, but at the same time, even though there are a lot of young people and I’m sure they have no idea who Blair Warner is, there are some older people and even if only one knows it certainly will get around, so I won’t deny it.” But once those first hunger pangs hit, let’s not be too shocked to hear her shrieking, “Someone catch me some motherfucking fish! Don’t you know who I was? I will go Jo Polniaczek on your ass” as she tries to eat pieces of her tattered Eastland School vest.

Meanwhile, Jeff Kent just wants to play the game the right way. “I don’t want to embarrass myself. I’ve got a reputation in baseball. I’ve done some stupid things in baseball,” Kent says in the video, almost certainly referring to his infamous truck wash. Unless the producers stage a challenge in the flatbed of a soap-slicked Ford F-150, Kent will probably avoid a repeat of that particular phantom humiliation. (Note to producers: We know it’s already too late, but please, please include a Whelchel-Kent foam-party knife fight in the back of a giant pickup. The public demands it.)

Among the civilians: a Miss Utah Teen and third-runner-up for Miss Teen USA, a “country girl” lesbian who may have just invented the word “fracade,” a guy who looks like he time-tunneled to the 2012 Philippines set directly from the Limp Bizkit mosh pit at Woodstock ’99. But they’re not famous, so we’re not going to care about them until Probst threatens to extinguish their torches. Or if they’re accidentally injured in the knife fight.

Filed Under: Jeff Probst, Survivor

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Mark Lisanti is an editor at Grantland.

Archive @ marklisanti