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‘Minions’: An Instant Classic, Probably, How Could It Not Be?

The Minions are here. Get excited. Because we’re excited. Minions! So many Minions!

The time is upon us. A day the cowardly have been dreading and the brave have been eagerly awaiting.

MINIONS. July 10. That’s TODAY.

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I can’t believe it’s finally here — they’re finally here.

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When Despicable Me came out, I didn’t see that shit. It was 2010. The Great Recession. The money that once went to seeing animated films at the cinema was now exclusively reserved for mayonnaise and bread. Three years later, there was a sequel. Apparently, it was called Despicable Me 2. I didn’t see that one, either. I did hear the film’s trademark song, “Happy,” 272,345,124,352 times, so I felt like I pretty much got the gist. After that, I assumed I was done living alongside the franchise.

Knowing my CV — grown man without kids who isn’t even a film critic — you may be wondering, why the sudden excitement about Minions? If that’s your question, you probably just don’t get it (art), because, genuinely, what isn’t there to love?

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Truthfully, I’m just embarrassed it took me so long to get onboard.

They’re a drop-dead gorgeous species, the Minions.

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That yellow is so welcoming. And they look so smart. And their shape, you just want to swallow them and then hope that they live in your stomach forever. And the Minions — they’re everywhere.

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Like absolutely unavoidable.

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It’s so cool.

Those are the obvious reasons to fall in love with the Minions. But there is something no one seems to discuss: They’re so diverse.

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It’s hard to think of a culture — or an entire society — more diverse than the Minions. Which is why it’s not a stretch to say this: If you don’t like the Minions, you probably hate diversity.

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I don’t know a single thing about this film, other than that Minions are in it, but I can’t wait to learn this weekend. I also don’t have a single friend willing to accompany me to see Minions, but that’s OK. Because you know the saying: No Old Friends. And that couldn’t be more true now that the Minions are in my life. And all of my human friends are gone forever.

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The only thing I’m looking forward to more than seeing Minions this weekend are the 10,000 words I’m writing about Minions for Monday.

What an honor it will be. Long live Xenu. He’s a Minion, right?