Miley Cyrus’s Ticking Biological Clock … and Other Horror Stories From This Week’s Tabloids

Charley Gallay/Getty Images


Star

Grading the Moms: Welcome to the newest low in celebrity gossip. Grading moms! Yes, that’s right — Star decided to rate women’s parenting with letter grades. No men included. This is so hateful and I am trying to think of a good way to make fun of it besides just screaming “C’MON” but I can’t. C’MON!!!!!

A+: Sandra Bullock (“I do not want anyone to have the pleasure of changing poopy diapers but me!”), Jennifer Garner

A: Alyson Hannigan (hosts something called potty-dance parties)

A-: P!nk (sings for her daughter), Reese Witherspoon (wholesome)

B+: Heidi Klum, Katie Holmes (but … Suri)

C+: Alicia Silverstone (feeds her kid chewed-up food from her mouth)

C-: Angelina Jolie (lets her kids eat junk food and have toy guns), Jada Pinkett Smith, Jennifer Lopez (leaves her twins with nannies), Madonna

D+: Christina Aguilera (“the Dirrty diva enjoys going out and drinking”)

F: Amber Portwood (“chose a five-year jail stint over rehab”)

The Prince William/Prince Harry/Kate Middleton Love Triangle: “Is Prince William jealous of his dashing younger brother Harry? Following the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee celebration, William reprimanded his bride for what he thought was ‘painfully embarrassing’ inappropriate behavior between Kate and Harry! Harry and Kate were particularly cozy during the royal balcony appearance.” It’s true that Prince William looks like a total Pete Campbell in the balcony photos in question and Kate and Harry are totally sharing a ROFL and standing weirdly close. “Having Harry there, whom she adores, relaxes her, because he makes jokes as a way to get through the day. She giggles and forgets the world is watching her. But William told Kate it was flirting and that it wasn’t appropriate. In Kate’s mind, for William to suggest that was absurd. In the past, Kate would have agreed with William and apologized, but instead she fired right back at him and took him by surprise.”

Un-American Superheroes: “Why are filmmakers outsourcing actors to play these beloved U.S. comic characters?” accompanying pictures of Thor‘s Chris Hemsworth (Australian), Superman‘s Henry Cavill (British), Batman‘s Christian Bale (British), and Green Lantern‘s Ryan Reynolds (Canadian).

Justin Timberlake Hates His Curly Hair: “My hair is so unmanageable.” Feel u hard on that, JT. Now get back in the studio! Justin Bieber is breathing swaggy down your neck!

Jessica Simpson’s Baby Weight Battle: Betty Draper trigger warning ahead. “Jess is talking about how she’s eating vegetables and quinoa and drinking green juice elixirs, but her shelves are still stocked with potato chips, frozen pizzas, and cookies. She’s having trouble even getting out of bed in the morning.” She signed a contract with Weight Watchers, which has added to her stress. Her fiancé “Eric had to remind her that she’s pulling in big bucks to get skinny and lose 70 lbs. in a year. He explained that he fell in love with the fit, disciplined Jess. He’s getting turned off by her rolls of fat and triple chin.” A weight coach says Jess is “retaining fluid, and if she’s breast-feeding she’s likely ravenous and still eating like a truck driver. She’s also most likely lacking in the sleep department, which makes any new mom reach for sugar and carbs.”

Miley: The Next Teen Mom? “Miley has been bragging that she and Liam haven’t been using protection, and her feeling is ‘whatever happens, happens.’ She’s ready to be a mom.” Or possibly “racing into marriage because she’s desperate to lock him into a commitment.” Liam may refuse to sign a $120 million prenup. “Miley’s friends think Liam is a jerk, that he uses Miley, spends her money with wild abandon and treats her badly. And Liam’s friends don’t think too much of Miley. They think she’s a low-class tramp and are appalled at some of her outrageous antics. Liam is an Aussie country boy, and his friends and family see Miley as just a typical lost cause.” The real problem if they get married might be “Liam’s wandering eye. He cheated on Miley with sexy blonde Katy Wooten and got too close to Jennifer Lawrence. When Miley hooked up with him he was still hot and heavy with girlfriend of five years Laura Griffin.”

The Bachelorette‘s Front-runner Arie: His dating life is “extremely messy. Between New Year’s Eve and the time he left for filming, Arie was seeing a 20-year-old named Stephanie, a 21-year-old named Courtney, and a 22-year-old named Brittany.”

January Jones vs. Jessica Paré: “January is furious because she pretty much has no story line this season, not to mention she has to wear a fat suit. Meanwhile, Jessica is an overnight sensation. And January isn’t hiding her feelings. January is so completely jealous that she has been treating Jessica like complete crap. January feels like she used to be the sexy star of the show and now she’ s been downgraded — and it’s really upsetting to her. Plus, she feels downright gross in the fat suit and boring makeup.” What is boring makeup? “January always had a horrible attitude while shooting. Now, hopefully, she’ll change her behavior before it’s too late.”

Kate Winslet Snubs Fans: Filming Labor Day in Shelburne Falls, Massachusetts, a local resident says Winslet was “so rude and didn’t acknowledge any of us. She gave dirty looks to roughly 100 people in my town who waited hours to see her on a rainy day. Everyone was yelling ‘Kate, we love you!’ After a short time she left without even a wave or a smile. Kate Winslet really left a bitter taste in our mouths.” Go get your memories erased then.

Misc./Etc.: “with a group of rowdy bros” “Ryan Gosling showed Eva Mendes the Great White North” “kept the party going all weekend in Hollywood” “flashed her granny panties” “bonded with a dapperly dressed monkey” “her added spunk!” “Choose a season!” “skinny-dipping in St. Barts after one too many” “This isn’t the way she thought this relationship would go” “I am declaring this the year of the Rancics!” “slapping cars as they passed” “munching on lamb lollipops” “I see myself being with him for a long time” “when night falls, so do the lavish drapes” “if their marriage lasts, it’ll be a miracle” “Ashlee is between work projects” “Kate Moss is expanding her skill set from supermodel to matchmaker” “he wants an open relationship until she finishes touring” “He’s not a player. There was no revolving door of girls.” “playing with fire, partying hard and flirting with sexy women while he leaves his eight-months pregnant baby mama” “a couple of bickering couch potatoes”

US

Jake Gyllenhaal & Minka Kelly: After her relationship with Wilmer Valderrama fizzled out, Minka hooked up with Gyllenhaal. “Minka wasn’t into Jake when he first pursued her” but in April “decided to give Jake another chance.” However, it went up in flames pretty fast. “It was never serious, and it’s over now.” Does this mean Taylor Swift is going to date Derek Jeter (please)?

Megan Fox Is Pregnant: She is carrying the spawn of David Silver. Brian Austin Green and Fox have “wanted a baby” for a while. Green has a son, Kassius, with his ex, which has helped Fox to learn how to parent. “Brian knows that Megan is mom material. She is amazing with Kassius.” At his baseball games “Megan is front and center, cheering, giving out juice. She’s like every other mom!”

Amanda Bynes: Attempted this tweet to Barack Obama: “I don’t drink. Please fire the cop who arrested me. I also don’t hit and run. The end.” Amanda, please!

Charlize Theron Loves Watching MMA: “I go nuts. I get really into it. I wonder what it says about me that I like sweaty, hot men bleeding all over each other, bashing each other in the face.” That you’re straight?

Andy Samberg & Joanna Newsom: “He had the biggest crush on her. Five years after being introduced by mutual friends, he’s still smitten. They have great chemistry. She loves to cook for him.” And they both love doing silly voices!

Miley Cyrus: “found just what she needed at New Orleans lingerie shop Trashy Diva” and “even tweeted a sneak peek of herself spilling out of the burgundy corset!” Oh yeah, dudes love corsets. “Liam loves that she’s a sexy free spirit.” The engaged couple have been dating for three years. “They are both mature and ready for this. Miley is 19 going on 40.” A therapist warns, “What you want at 19 and 29 can be completely different, even if you think you know who you are.” Liam and Miley “play house with their five dogs in L.A.’s San Fernando Valley. On the weekends they’ll see a movie or go to a museum. Pretty G-rated for a girl snapped smoking salvia and faking fellatio on a penis-shaped cake.” Miley is perfect.

Matthew McConaughey’s Wedding: “Friends, including Reese Witherspoon and Woody Harrelson, listened to John Mellencamp serenade them with a song based on a Bible verse, then had a Brazilian feast.”

Some Thoughts From Julianne Hough

  • “Tom Cruise was so loud and amazing — that guy never stops preparing!”
  • Her boyfriend Ryan Seacrest showed up for her pole dance scene “and liked it so much, he bought me a pole!”
  • “Tom Cruise has never been so sexy! I like older men, if you haven’t noticed. He’s got it going on so hard!”

Snooki Nudes: Somebody leaked some Snoodz — “The images show the Gorilla Beach author posing in a silky white bathrobe while snapping smartphone pictures of herself. In one shot, she’s cradling her breast in her hand. In another, her robe is open. And in a third, she’s topless!”

What’s on Joan Rivers’s E-Reader?

  • War and Peace (Leo Tolstoy): “War was a blast and I’m loving the Peace.”
  • Ugly Beauty (Ruth Brandon): “Books about ugly people should only be read on e-readers because the pictures are smaller.”
  • The Weird Sisters (Eleanor Brown): “This really hit home. My parents always favored my sister and gave her things they wouldn’t give me.”
  • Rules of Civility (Amos Townes): “It made me feel like I was in an art deco dream world!”

Channing Tatum on Rooney Mara: “She’s the most mousy and terrifying person I’ve ever met. She’s such a little introvert.” Channing Tatum quotes are the best.

Caroline Manzo’s Daughter Lauren Got the Lap Band: “I’m still self-conscious about my stomach. My cousin named it because it’s big enough that it deserves a name: Timothy. He’s ‘Tim’ when he becomes a little smaller. And then he’s ‘T’ when he’s like a little pouch.” This is just so strange I can’t even. She’s learning to cook because “I can’t drink liquid egg whites for the rest of my life.” She loves the Lap Band but says “it’s not a miracle button that lets you eat whatever you want. You can only eat so much or you’ll throw up.”

Jen Aniston & Justin Theroux: The couple celebrated a year of dating with a trip to Paris, where they “took a leisurely walk through the lush Tuileries Garden, next to the Louvre. Later, Aniston and the Rock of Ages screenwriter …” HOLD UP. Justin Theroux wrote Rock of Ages? LOL. That makes me like him even more.

Things You Don’t Know About RuPaul (Excerpts)

  • “The person I idolize most is Judge Judy.”
  • “I sleep with a stuffed donkey named Jimmy.”
  • “As a kid, I was obsessed with hot rods, Cadillacs, and drag racing.”
  • “My Louisiana-born mother named me after roux, a mixture used to make gumbo.”
  • “In 1989 I was crowned Queen of Manhattan.”
  • “My favorite film is Elvira, Mistress of the Dark.”
  • Brad Pitt: “I have to learn French because our kids are speaking it.”

    Misc./Etc.: “There was a cherry tomato. He bit into it and it squirted all over my white dress.” “The camera doesn’t add ten pounds, it adds 800 pounds” “He took me to Sizzler and asked if I could get him in my agency” “calming crystal” “action, we go for it and it is tongue all over” “it’s better than crack cocaine” “there’s no summer break” “Thom Yorke showed off his dance moves” “it’s knot hard” “Kate Bosworth eating deviled eggs” “She loves serious relationships” “Being married is wonderful!” “a collection of short stories” “a sunny show amid storm clouds” “it’s a calm life, and one shrouded in secrecy” “She was wearing a hair scrunchie!” “Late nights at trendy clubs? Hardly” “(porridge is a favorite)” “the Freud exhibition” “this meatball was sauced!” “fighting five dudes and the bouncers too” “a bubbly exterior but on the inside I hated myself” “tried several diets and endured cruel comments from anonymous followers” “8 pounds of sausage in a 5 pound bag” “people writing me on Twitter that I’m ugly, fat, gross” “my favorite cheat is vodka” “I bought leather shorts at Betsey Johnson” “He’s like a brother I make out with!”

    InTouch

    Justin Theroux Having Second Thoughts? “He feels like he’s living in a fishbowl” in Los Angeles with Jennifer Aniston and is nostalgic for his old life in New York. “He misses hanging out with his artist friends and their intellectual conversations.”

    Heidi Montag Makes Peace With Her Mom: “Two years after a very public feud with her mother, Darlene, Heidi Montag” says they’ve reconciled. “She reached out, and we’ve been talking. I’m so happy to have her back in my life.”

    Tom Cruise: “Fifty has never looked so nifty! What is this pumped-up Peter Pan’s stay-young secret?” Cruise tells Playboy “I honestly have no idea. I work. I’m always with family. I train, I go without sleep. I just go hard.” Other sources report that Tom’s face is the work of world-famous Brazilian plastic surgeon Dr. Ivo Pitanguy. Tom denies it, saying “I haven’t, and I never would.”

    Misc./Etc.: “Squirt alert!” “Why did I wait to do this ’til I was 90?” “Kids run everything!” “The morning after!” “bumpy and busty” “Is it too late to get him into Magic Mike?” “a trip to the big-and-tall store” “unceremoniously dumping her” “no bad apples in her bachelor bunch” “He’s never had a long relationship and he prefers to date girls that are much younger than he is. He hangs around the college campus to pick them up.” “nobody ends up on TV by accident!” “sluggish and sore in her breasts” “Mickey Mouse or flowers for a girl” Taco Bell and sundae runs” “Her goal has always been to become a mother before she turns 21″ “Backstage, it’s strictly vegan snacks” “She says they have crazy sex all the time” “He was very focused on a hot blonde” “If you back me into a corner, I come out like a lion on fire!” “When I was ten my mother said, ‘You better go to boarding school, people might come kill you.'” “My father’s my best friend” “with a big strawberry cone” “unabashed bread lover”

    OK!

    Michael Phelps: “I don’t want to swim past the age of 30.”

    Katy Perry & Robert Ackroyd: “Into the wee hours, they were spotted canoodling at a warehouse party. Anyone who knows Katy knows she still has feelings for Russell. But Katy’s accepted that Russell will never be able to give her what she needs. He’s moody, insecure, and his ego needs constant attention from women.” Meanwhile Ackroyd is “comfortable in his own skin and doesn’t need to flirt with every girl he sees to feel good.” Plus “they have great sex, and Katy feels so comfortable around him. She doesn’t have to work so hard the way she did with Russell. She’s smitten with Robert.”

    Kim Kardashian: “I am an Elizabeth Taylor nerd.”

    Kendall & Kylie Kardashian, Too Sexy Too Soon? Momager Kris keeps pushing them into bikini photoshoots, even though they are 14 and 16 and “were little tomboys when they were younger.” Fourteen-year-old Kylie’s “blossoming curves are all over the web.” Kris is “proud that Kendall and Kylie are so sexy.” Gross. “Khloe and Kourtney are starting to think it’s over the top. But Bruce is the most concerned.” Koncerned. “It makes him cringe.” Kringe. The family’s video for “Hypnotize” by Biggie “repeatedly zooms in on Kendall and Kylie in skimpy bikinis.” An insider says “Look at Britney Spears, or Lindsay Lohan, or even Demi Lovato. They were way too sexy too young and it really wrecked them.”

    Misc./Etc.: “It’s the definition of unstable and immature” “her hat is major!” “Though horizontal stripes are generally not so slimming, they don’t affect slender Emma!” “They love each other, but their relationship is a total roller coaster.” “jumbo lollipops and churros” “the couple danced to a live performance by Tommy Shaw of Styx” “outdoor dad, family man, and working dad” “flashed her calves” “embraced her uncanny likeness” “the woman with the glitziest swimsuit” “Life is boring until you have kids, really” “handing cops a fake ID” “She’s a marshmallow” “She’ll die right there in prison” “he uses his celebrity to get chicks all the time” “All anyone ever asks her these days is when is she going to have a baby. It’s driving her nuts.” “Being on a vampire show means I can’t age!”  “America’s sweetheart champion.”

Filed Under: Jennifer Aniston, Kate Middleton, Megan Fox, Miley Cyrus, Molly's Magazines

Photo on 2014-01-10 at 12.58 #3

Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

Archive @ mollylambert

More from Molly Lambert

See all from Molly Lambert

More Jennifer Aniston

See all Jennifer Aniston

More Hollywood Prospectus

See all Hollywood Prospectus