Michael Fassbender’s Penis Still the Talk of the Town
Hollywood just can’t stop talking about Michael Fassbender’s enormous penis! One might have imagined that the dong-sizzle might have cooled on the industry’s most raved-about trouser-steak once Li’l Mike (you know, it’s one of those ironic nicknames, like when your new, 300-pound cellmate tells you everyone calls him “Tiny,” haha) was memorably snubbed for an Oscar nomination, even after George Clooney went out of his way to praise the short game of Fassbender’s Titleist-quality manhood at the Golden Globes. But this weekend Prometheus costar Charlize Theron jump-started the junk-buzz at a Human Rights Campaign gala by praising the actor’s artfully restrained work in Shame, according to E!’s Marc Malkin:
“I have to say that I was truly impressed that you chose to play it big. Most other actors would have gone small, trust me. No, I know because I’ve worked with them … Your penis was a revelation. I’m available to work with it any time.”
Theron knows from subtle peniscraft: In the similarly praised but Oscar-snubbed Young Adult, she had to play against Patton Oswalt’s mangled (but unseen) member, a formidable scene partner in its own right. (It’s unclear what kind of stand-in they used to evoke the proper mood in their close-ups; perhaps there was some kind of modified green screen technique, with Theron emoting to a broken tennis ball stuck to the end of a crooked boom pole, but that’s beside the point.) But with the actress apparently so comfortable discussing her castmate’s gift, one imagines that the set of Prometheus was positively crackling with dick jokes, with innumerable takes brought to a screeching, hilarious halt when Charlize would suddenly pretend a ravenous crotch-alien had just burst forth from the codpiece of Fassbender’s space suit and greedily attached itself to her face. It’s a good thing the presumed Alien prequel was directed by series originator Ridley Scott and not legendarily perfectionist Alien3 helmer David Fincher, who would have demanded upward of 90 takes of the genital tomfoolery before considering the gag acceptable.