Lowbrow Highlights: Who Did or Did Not Hook Up in the ‘Bachelor’ Fantasy Suite?

ABC

This week’s Lowbrow Highlights include the biannual tradition of network TV show-sanctioned coitus on The Bach, Jax ruining his best friend’s life again, hopefully coincidental racism on The Challenge, the return of Survivor, and, due to about 20 frames of perfect television, we know who “wins” The Bachelor:

So, Which Bachelorettes Had Show-Sanctioned, Competitive Coitus?

Question No. 1: Did Whitney have show-sanctioned, competitive coitus?

Answer No. 1: Absofuckinglutely

http://i.minus.com/ibfG0plxNeQVNz.gif

These three seconds perfectly capture exactly why we know that Whitney is going to end up winning. In fact, I am starting the column with this week’s Lowbrow Highlights Top Five. This week’s top five are the Top Five Things About This GIF That Prove Whitney Coitused Chris, listed from “I guess I can see they have a connection” to “Why are they even flying that poor virgin to the next destination just to dump her?”

5. The Wine Pour: On this boat date, Chris poured Whitney a glass of champagne.1 But instead of going with a couple of ounces in a dainty stem, he poured two cups into a red wine glass. Smart move for someone heading into the fantasy suite.

4. The Head Kiss–Armpit Grab Combo: The head kiss displays some familiarity, but the head kiss/armpit grab combo is a whole other level of “I am about to hit this and we both know it.” Look at how he readjusts the right hand to ensure that it not only rests on the shoulder, but penetrates the armpit area. Kinda gross.

3. The Stony Smile: Only a man on the deck of a boat with 4 ounces of whiskey in his left hand and four fingers full of female armpit in his right hand can smile with that level of satisfaction and content. Try to do it right now. You can’t. This smile also proves that Chris smokes weed. I don’t know how, but it does.

2. The Ankle Sex: Whitney’s ankles say, “Here is an amuse-bouche; the rest of us will be having sex with you later.”

1. The Dick Coaster: Whitney, that is Chris’s genitalia. THAT IS NOT A COASTER. Ask yourself how many times in your life you have accidentally rested your glass on someone’s sex organs. THIS IS NOT AN ACCIDENT. Women aren’t dumb, but they know men are. Whitney is aware of exactly what she is doing here. She knows that merely brushing his ear of corn with her wrist tells him, “If I am using your dick as a coaster now, imagine what I will do with it in the fantasy suite.”

Watching this episode, I came to the conclusion that Whitney is going to marry Chris, move to Arlington, Iowa, and use her fertility powers to genetically engineer a new type of corn that will make them so rich they can move to Chicago. Whitney is basically going to usher in the Interstellar apocalypse.

Question No. 2: Did Becca have show-sanctioned, competitive coitus?

Answer No. 2: No, but that didn’t stop the editors from making you think she did.

Becca is a virgin. Becca isn’t just a virgin, though. She has never been in love, never really had a boyfriend, and her mom said that she has never seen Becca hold a man’s hand. Heading into the fantasy suite, Becca was super nervous about telling Chris she was a virgin. When she finally did, Chris’s response was classic: “I am glad that you … that I … it’s not easy to respond … but I respect that in a lot of ways, and I would be lying to you if I didn’t say that it surprises me.”

Saying “I respect that in a lot of ways” basically translates to “In some ways, I can’t respect that.” And saying “I would be lying to you if I didn’t say that it surprises me” translates to “You gave me a slutty vibe.”

After the revelation, there was some making out: 

ChrisKissABC

And there was the classic shot of them closing the blinds to have their privacy. Then the editors dropped this frankenbite:

“Now that that is out of the way, I am ready to just have alone time and take advantage of this. I have constantly been saying that I am waiting for marriage. The reality is that it is a situation where we are falling in love and I have been waiting a very long time to feel this. It is a perfect day. I am 100 percent in. My heart is all in. I am excited to see what happens.”

There is no chance that Becca waited her whole life to hold some dude’s hand and then all of a sudden competitively coitused on network TV, but the producers will do everything in their power to make that seem like the case. And you know what? Shout to them. I would do the same thing.

Question No. 3: Did Kaitlyn have show-sanctioned, competitive coitus?

Answer No. 3: Sure did.

Remember how three seconds was all it took to prove that Whitney had competitive coitus with Chris? Well, to find out if Kaitlyn did the same, it only takes a single frame of video from the show — this one: 

WhatHappenedABC

The first thing Kaitlyn said to Chris when he sent her home: “What happened?” But it wasn’t a simple “What happened? I thought we had a connection?” kind of what happened. It was a “What happened? Last time I saw you, we were full-on engaged in ass play, and now you are voting me off?” what happened.

Don’t worry, Kaitlyn, you’ll be the next Bachelorette and dishing out roses in no time. Trust.

Fried Chicken, MTV? REALLY?

The only black couple left on the show, Leroy and Nia, won “Power Couple” this week. Power Couple means that you sit at the pool and eat dinner away from the rest of the cast, who all take turns coming to your table and kissing your ass. However, when they sat down to eat, something was … off. Here’s Leroy:

“We sit down for our Power Couple dinner, and it is a little weird because our dinner is fried chicken. I done seen pizza, I done seen fish; you give the two black people in the house fried chicken. I am actually not mad about it, I am happy about the fried chicken. Me and my partner are going to enjoy this black power dinner.”

Enjoy it he did: 

FriedChickenMTV

During the black power dinner, Wes mindfucked Leroy into voting Zach into the dome, and his dome performance leads to the next topic …

Zach on The Challenge: Are We Sure He’s Good?

Just from a purely visual standpoint, he is far and away the most physically intimidating cast member in the history of the show. He is fast, athletic, strong, aggressive, huge, and mean. I would not want to have to tackle Zach. But you are what your record is, and Zach’s isn’t great. Remember when he LeBron’d and cramped up in the finals? And this episode he cost his team the challenge with a dumb mistake — after yelling at Jonna thinking she made a dumb mistake — and, in the dome, he was dominated by Jordan in a sledgehammer-swinging competition. The biggest, strongest, most athletic dude was beaten in a sledgehammer-swinging competition by a man half his size with half as many hands. You are what your record is, and I have to ask, “Are we sure he’s good?”

Jax’s Quadruple Coitus Confirmation on Vanderpump Rules

Jax is a terrible friend. In one scene, he is promising his friend, Tom Sandoval, that he will finally stop telling Tom’s crazy ex-girlfriend Kristen about his love life because his crazy ex-girlfriend is crazy and is trying to ruin his relationship. In the next scene, he is at dinner with Kristen and, well, he does this:

He doesn’t just tell Kristen that Tom coitused the Miami girl, he tells Kristen that Tom coitused the Miami girl, confirms it, confirms it again, confirms it a third time, and then he achieves the unprecedented quadruple coitus confirmation. Not only will he betray his friend by saying the friend slept with someone that wasn’t his girlfriend (for no reason, mind you), he will betray his friend by saying the friend slept with someone that wasn’t his girlfriend and then CONFIRM IT FOUR TIMES. Oh yeah, last season he admitted he slept with Tom’s (then) girlfriend. On Tom’s couch. While Tom was sleeping. Jax is a terrible friend.

Farmer Chris Kisses Like a Fish Eats

Have you noticed that Farmer Chris doesn’t kiss with tongue? Like, ever. Only Kard-Ashley I. could get him to act like he cared about a kiss. He spent 30 percent of this episode making out with his shrinking harem and never once put a hand on a face, never grabbed an ass, and never slipped a tongue. He just did this weird lip extension, repeated peck thing. Check it:

http://i.minus.com/iTiLZFK1XIocl.gif

Weird, right?

http://i.minus.com/ixEFiZixhFkxE.gif

Chris kissing looks exactly like a goldfish scooping up all the fish-food flakes when you first put them in the fish bowl. I bet even Becca, who has never held a hand, thinks he is a weird kisser.

Maybe Madison Shouldn’t Be on Real World

Everyone who watches this show knows that Madison used to have a serious drug problem. The thing is, watching the show, it is easy to lose sight of that fact. She just seems like every other girl in her early twenties on the show; dressing poorly, getting slammered, and making bad decisions in her love life. The whole “I spent a couple years on that boy, stealing money from my family, and getting arrested and shit” part of her life is lost on us. And it is easy to forget. Well, it was easy to forget, until her sister came to the house.

“It is nice to, like, not have her on drugs. That means a lot to me,” says Madison’s sister, Rachel, in an interview that makes us all realize just how real the drug phase of Madison’s life was. Madison’s sister goes on to reveal that Madison stole from her, spent at least two years on drugs, and was so depressing that Rachel moved from Texas to California just to get away from her. With this new perspective, it is hard not to look at her time in the Real World house, only about a year removed from drug addiction, and wonder if it is good for her. Then you hear her start to think about returning to Austin, saying, “I just don’t want to get into a lonely stage again. Because that is when I get scary on myself,” and you stop wondering if it is good for her and start wondering if she should have ever been cast in the first place.

Oh no, I am starting to get bummed out. Can we look at Chris’s smile while his dick is being used as a coaster again to lighten this up?

DickCoasterABC

Perfect.

Survivor’s Back

Survivor, Jeffy P., and his inflated sense of the show’s cultural importance returned to the boob tube this weekend with a new gimmick. This time, the tribes have been divided up into “profession and approach to life.” There is a white-collar tribe, a blue-collar tribe, and a no-collar tribe. These are all very loosely categorized —I mean, there is a hairdresser in the blue-collar tribe — but it is an interesting divide nonetheless. Not that different than brains, brawn, and beauty, but still fun.

After taking a season off last year, I went into this episode wholeheartedly meaning to stick with it throughout. I also go into every first episode of Survivor evaluating which of the female contestants I am going to develop a crush on throughout the season. Early on, I identified So Kim, the “white-collar retail buyer” divorcée from Long Beach, as my Survivor crush for the season. However, she was the first contestant voted out. This didn’t bode well for my chances of making it through the entire season, but the “no collar” tribe has a dude named Vince whose profession is “coconut vendor,” whose favorite sport is “flying rings,” and who wears feathers in his hair, shaves his armpits, and fell in love and got super jealous around camp on the first day. Vince, you are my new Survivor crush. You better make it to Episode 3.

Check back next week for the return of Crazy Ashley S., Kard-Ashley I., Kelsey, and Drunk Jordan on the “Women Tell All” special, more crazy Kristen from this marathon Vanderpump Rules season, and, of course, THE RETURN OF BANANAS! Until then, listen to The Right Reasons, enjoy the fuck out of your weekend, and, as a challenge from me to you, use someone’s sex organ as a coaster. Come on, just do it once in the next week. It will be fun just to see how they react.

Let’s finish this off with one more dick coaster pic. It just feels right:

DickCoasterABC

Filed Under: Reality TV, TV, The Bachelor, Vanderpump Rules, The Real World: Skeletons

David Jacoby is an ESPN producer who somehow became a writer and editor for Grantland.

Archive @ djacoby

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