The Disney Corporate Cupids1 unleashed three hours of Bachelorette deliciousness upon us this week that was punctuated by the most promising “This Season on The Bachelorette” in the history of the franchise. This season’s LoveJourney will heavily feature a guy named Sean who looks like Ryan Gosling with a huge nose:
Grantland is owned by Disney.
Moving forward, Sean who looks like Ryan Gosling with a huge nose will no longer be known as “Sean who looks like Ryan Gosling with a huge nose.” He will forever be known as Ryan Schnozling.2 This season will also bring us the return of Normcore Nick:
The source of that brilliant line may or may not have a name that rhymes with Trill Bivens.
But what really makes this season special, what really makes me look at this television program as a stand-alone entity and more than just an amuse-bouche before the return of the genius artistic endeavor known as Bachelor in Paradise, is a revelation like none other in the history of the franchise. Ladies and gentlemen, WE HAVE COITUS CONFIRMATION!
Actual factual, PRE-FANTASY SUITE, confirmed, confessed coitus.
Longtime readers of this column know that the breakdown of the first episode is usually anchored by overanalysis of the limo entrances and introductions, but that will not be the case this season. There is no option but to overanalyze the greatest four minutes and 35 seconds of television in the history of the medium: the 2015 “This Season on The Bachelorette.” But before we suit up and deep-dive into that, let’s first breeze through some highlights of the action that preceded it.
The twist this year is that there are two Bachelorettes. The male suitors voted at the end of the evening (read: early morning), and the losing Bachelorette is sent home and the winner goes on the LoveJourney. This was an exciting prospect at first, but watching it play out, you couldn’t help but think, You know what? This is kind of fucked up. The Corporate Cupids have completely flipped the power dynamic. Instead of the guys all competing to get time with the Bachelorette, two Bachelorettes were running around making sure they gave their stump speech to every guy before the impending rose vote that would send one of them home.
It wasn’t a particularly impressive group of fellas that they had to sway either. Some notables included the amateur sex coach who drove up in a “car pool” and a dentist who has super dentisty teeth and rolled up in a motorized cupcake. There was Ian, who seems smart and cool and normal and also seems to have the exact same hairline as LeBron James. And, of course, we had The Gawd, Ryan Schnozling. After Britt and Kaitlyn’s campaigns concluded, the fellas cast their votes. Ultimately, Britt was sent off in the limo and Kaitlyn remained as the Bachelorette. Don’t feel bad for Britt, though. One can safely assume that as soon as the limo pulled out of the Bachelor Pad driveway, it went straight south to Tulum, where she will no doubt dominate this season of Bachelor in Paradise.
After Kaitlyn was left to raise a glass with her new gaggle of bros, we were treated to “This Season on The Bachelorette.” Without further ado, here is the official Lowbrow Highlights overanalysis:
The Greatest Four Minutes and 35 Seconds of Television in the History of the Medium
0:00-0:33 “I Came Here to Find The Man of My Dreams, My Husband”
The opening salvo of this brilliant artwork sets the table for what is to come. We hear Kaitlyn explain how lucky she is to be the Bachelorette, how she came to find her husband, and what a great group of guys she has. A great group of guys that is clearly anchored by none other than The Gawd Ryan Schnozling:
They also use this section to feature the different points around the globe that this LoveJourney will take us to, and it looks like, once again, the travel budget has been significantly reduced from previous seasons. We see the New York skyline, the cliffs of Ireland, what looks like some English castles, and, you know, the Alamo.3
I REALLY hope we get a Gregg Popovich cameo.
At the end of this section, we get Joe with the Gigantic Sevenhead confessing that he is “falling in love with” Kaitlyn. That is the last we see of Joe with the Gigantic Sevenhead in the entire trailer, so methinks this is a last-ditch effort early in the season from Joe with the Gigantic Sevenhead as he senses he is about to be discarded and headed into the Bachelor in Paradise draft combine.
0:33-0:59 “All Hail Kaitlyn, High Septon of the Good Hang Chicks”
This is the “look at how much fun Kaitlyn is” section. However, unlike past Bachelorettes, Kaitlyn seems, you know, actually fun. I mean, who doesn’t want to hang with a chick who belly laughs like this?
We see Kaitlyn doing stand-up at the Improv. We see Kaitlyn kayaking through a city. We see Kaitlyn out-punch-lining Amy Schumer. We see her playing hockey in a cocktail dress, and we see her dancing in front of a weird collection of warm beer:
And, we see Kaitlyn looking SUPER HOT while boxing:
For real, this season you will see Kaitlyn in every sparkly gown that has ever been made, but she never looks better than she does in a sports bra and boxing gloves.
0:59-1:27 “What Could POSSIBLY Go Wrong?”
This section features Kaitlyn falling in love and making out with the man who is going to be her husband. Then falling in love and making out with another man who is going to be her husband. Then falling in love and making out with ANOTHER man who is going to be her husband. And FINALLY, falling in love and making out with ONE LAST man who is going to be her husband.
Everyone loves Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn loves everyone back. The triumphant music plays, everyone makes out, everything is perfect. WHAT COULD GO WRONG?
1:27-1:56 “Maybe Dating a Woman Who Is Also Dating Two Dozen Other Dudes Is a Little Weird”
After a transition, we open with The Gawd Ryan Schozling sipping a Don Draper-y drink as he, in his signature sleepy deep drawl, asks, “How am I supposed to fall in love with a girl when she is out with other guys?” Then we get a few of the classic Bachelorette moments when the Bachelorette is making out with some dude just a few yards from the rest of the bro-pack as they watch and grumble. This is followed by a bro proclaiming to another bro, “You better shut up, dude, because I am going to fucking kill you.” Then we see boxing action that looks a bajillion times more entertaining than that MayPac bullshit, followed by a pretty solid sumo slam:
They are trying to sell us on “these guys don’t like each other” in this section, but it really reads more like “these guys don’t like watching the girl they’re dating make out with their roommates.” Which, you know, is understandable.
1:56-2:26 “The Return of NORMCORE NICK!”
HE’S BACK! The last time we saw Normcore Nick, he was telling a national television audience that he felt betrayed because Andi Dorfman coitused him right before casting him off. Not exactly the classiest display, but certainly entertaining enough to warrant a return to the franchise. The prevailing theory among The Right Reasons‘s LoveJourney analysts is that Normcore Nick and Kaitlyn met during the offseason, had a little chemistry, and Normcore Nick lobbied producers to allow him to have a go at Kaitlyn. And have a go, he does:
Of course, as all entrants are on any show in the history of reality TV, Nick is immediately rejected by the original cast. Clearly they are threatened by Normcore Nick, and each bro is looking at the producers, looking at Kaitlyn, and looking at each other like, “Bro?”
ABCThe above questioning bro is Jared. Second only to the pre-fantasy-suite coitus confirmation as the most shocking revelation in the season is the prevalence of Jared. How did a dude with the “hair over the ears” hairstyle and the patchiest of patchy beards make it so deep into the season? It is like someone telling you that next year the Hornets are in the Eastern Conference finals — you accept it as fact, but you can’t foresee the subsequent events that will make it a reality. He must get a haircut in Episode 2.
2:26-3:00 COITUS CONFIRMATION!
Get ready for some real Zapruder shit. As an astute observer of the Bachelor(ette) franchise, I have noticed that the super-serious people who edit and produce this important social experiment aren’t afraid to use a little creative editing to make things seem slightly more dramatic. Case in point, the coitus confirmation. Nothing I have ever done in my life is more important than getting to the bottom of the mystery of the coitus confirmation. I now present a frame-by-frame examination.
First we creepily peer through a door at Kaitlyn, in the same dress she wore at the Alamo, and a bro getting frisky on a bed:
Sorry, make that a bed of rose petals:
Next we see Kaitlyn, IN A DIFFERENT DRESS, put the ominous “Do Not Disturb” sign outside of her hotel room:
ABCWe are supposed to think, SHE DOESN’T WANT TO BE DISTURBED BECAUSE SHE IS ABOUT TO COITUS SOME BRO.
Then we get this shot:
Hotel exterior. Not that exciting, right? Wrong. As you look at this hotel exterior, you hear Kaitlyn either working out really hard or having sex. This shot is followed by a knock on a door and Kaitlyn saying, “Noooooo, OK, I’ll be out in 30 seconds.” Then they weirdly cut to a camera placed on a sound guy bored in a hotel hallway:
Note, the hotel hallway has different decor than both the hotel with the rose-petal bed and the hotel with the “Do Not Disturb” sign. Nice try, editor. So, now that they have completely fabricated a scenario in which Kaitlyn put out the “Do Not Disturb” sign, coitused some bro, and is now ducking production, they take it a step further:
THEY SHOW A NAKED GUY RUNNING THROUGH A GOLF COURSE!
When you first watch the clip, you totally believe this is the dude who coitused Kaitlyn running away from production, which is knocking on the hotel door. However, after further examination there are some curious elements in this GIF, were that actually the case. Why is he holding a golf club? How far is the golf course from Kaitlyn’s hotel room? If you were hiding from people, why do so in the middle of a field, you know, naked? Does he have sex with his socks on? Unless Kaitlyn’s hotel room is on a golf course, and they used the golf club as a sex toy, and this guy keeps his socks on during sex on some client no. 9 shit, it is safe to assume that this GIF is unrelated to the confirmed coitus. However, it is safe to assume that this GIF is VERY MUCH related to said coitus:
3:00-3:30 “Coitus Confession”
We hear Kaitlyn announce that one of her relationships “went too far, too fast” and that she “made a huge mistake.” Then, as she weeps, she explains, “I feel so bad!”
Then she says, “I think this will be the most important conversation that I have.” Cut to a close-up of her saying, “It is hard for me to admit it, but we had sex.”
This is not the first pre-fantasy-suite coitus in the history of the franchise. One can only assume that Juany Pabs and Clare, Courtney and Ben, and many others have done the same. However, never before has it been discussed. Which leads to the question that I simply can’t answer:
WHY DID SHE CONFIRM THE COITUS?
Assuming there are no coitus witnesses, why does she feel compelled to confess the coitus? Is she being blackmailed by production? Is her co-coitus-conspirator pressuring her? I am having trouble understanding why she fessed up. I can’t see the strategy. However, I am ecstatic it happened, because …
3:33-3:45 “Then All the Bros Cry”
Jared is all teary:
Dentist Chris is about to jump off a cliff:
God, this is fucking great.
3:45-4:02 “The Backlash”
Now we see Ian the Seemingly Normal, Smart Dude With the LeBron Hairline sitting down with Kaitlyn and telling her, “I don’t question his intentions. I question your intentions. I feel like you are here to make out with a bunch of dudes on TV.”
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Did he just suggest that the Bachelorette herself isn’t here for THE RIGHT REASONS? The tables have been turned.
4:02-4:27 “Kaitlyn Is Not a Bad Person, Says Kaitlyn”
The final section is a montage of Kaitlyn cry faces:
Under all of these images is Kaitlyn declaring, “I made a mistake. That doesn’t make me a bad person.” No it doesn’t, Kaitlyn. You are totally right. However, it does make you the best Bachelorette in the history of the franchise.
Lost in the excitement of everything that was IN “This Season On” is everything that was OUT of “This Season On.” There was no hometown date, there was no Kaitlyn’s family, there was no “I just can’t do this anymore” or “I am falling in love with two guys at the same time” from Kaitlyn, and there was no Kaitlyn standing on the edge of a cliff awaiting her selected bro to come and propose to her. Now, this doesn’t mean that none of those things happen, but it does mean there is potential for those things to not happen and for this season to end with a man-mutiny based on the coitus confession. That may be wishful thinking, but if the intention of this trailer was to keep me invested, consider me ALL THE FUCK IN. I can’t wait to watch next Monday.
Until then, listen to The Right Reasons, watch “This Season On” at least two dozen times to get ready for Monday, and, as always, enjoy the shit out of your weekend. Oh yeah, one more thing, if you go golfing this weekend, only wear socks.