Lindsay Lohan Is a High-Class Escort?!? … and Other Horror Stories From This Week’s Tabloids

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Lindsay Lohan Is a High-Paid Escort: According to her father, Michael Lohan, Lindsay “is getting paid to date rich men. Dina is pimpin her out. It’s disgusting.” A second source confirms the story. “The dates last for days, and the guys pay for everything — hotel, travel costs, food, whatever — as well as jewelry and other gifts.” While she might just be receiving a fee to act as “arm candy for wealthy men who like to be seen with beautiful and famous women.” Clients include Prince Haji Abdul Azim, third in line to the throne of Brunei, and Spanish-American painter Domingo Zapata.

“Domingo let Lindsay live in his penthouse at the Bowery Hotel in NYC for free and at his L.A. pad at Chateau Marmont.” Zapata rescinded his kindness after Lohan’s hit-and-run incident in September. “He said that Lindsay kept taking, taking, taking and asking for more — cars, dinners, clothes, everything.” Lohan is now hanging out with “Vikram Chatwal a.k.a. The Turban Cowboy, who owns a chain of luxury hotels.” Is that a self-appointed nickname? Michael Lohan says “Dina is exploiting Lindsay because she’s broke too and gets 20 percent of everything Lindsay makes.” Michael Lohan is not the most reputable source, though. A friend of Lindsay’s says her escort work is “no big deal” because Lohan is “totally broke and in serious debt, and no one will hire her.” Plus Lindsay thinks of it as a kind of method research for some future role. “Being an escort is just an easy way for her to stay above water. [Lindsay] says she’s an actress and won’t turn down getting paid good money to act a certain way!”

Beyoncé Shuns Her Baby Brother: Beyoncé refuses to meet Nixon Knowles, the son her dad, Matthew Knowles, fathered during an affair while still married to Beyoncé’s mother, Tina. “Beyoncé was so furious about her father’s affair, she refuses to meet her little brother.” Matthew Knowles does not have a great relationship with Nixon Knowles himself, nor the child’s mother, Alex Wright. She says Knowles has “tried to deny Nixon full child support. This isn’t about the money. It’s about accountability, education, and providing Nixon a secure life.” Has Beyoncé ever done a song about Matthew Knowles? There’s so much we don’t know about Beyoncé, no matter how many revealing HBO specials she does.

Jessica Biel Jealous of Anne Hathaway: “In Jess’ mind, she and Anne are direct competitors. But her friends don’t have the heart to tell her she’s nowhere near being in the same league as Anne.” Jessica Biel has friends?

Plastic Surgery Nightmare: “Fat is taken from your own body and injected into your face to fill the hollowness around the eyes and define cheekbones.” — a description of $3,000 “fat injections.”

Taylor Swift Photograph Caption: “Alone Again, Naturally.”

Kimye: “Kanye West and his baby mama Kim Kardashian are kohabitating!”

Kathie Lee Gifford: “When was the last time you cracked open a bottle of merlot at the office? If your answer is ‘Never,’ then you clearly don’t work with Kathie Lee Gifford, who enjoyed her usual glass of red wine during the Today show.”

Bethenny Frankel: “She does tons of yoga and doesn’t eat.” That’s one way to handle a tough divorce, but probably not the healthiest. “Bethenny loves being thin and hates being alone. She’s already looking for the next guy to be with, and she thinks she has to be skinny for that.” Why is this woman getting a talk show again?

Russell Crowe Getting in Shape: To win back his estranged wife, Danielle Spencer. “Danielle was disgusted with him and how he let himself go. She needled him about how old, grizzled, and doughy he’d gotten.” It was for a ROLE, OK? He was playing Russell Crowe.

Misc/Etc: “Champion Chugger” “because of her secret feelings” “she has made a huge effort to get to know her, but every time she’s made to feel inferior.” “packing the pounds back on at an alarming rate” “her breasts were so large” “the enemy of my enemy is my new BFF!” “she has quite the volcanic temper” “whether he likes it or not, Entourage made him a star” “planning pranks for his wedding” “THE WHEELBARROW” “they had no sex life because he was no longer into her” “Fame changes people” “the picture was like a heart attack in an email” “sometimes even our impeccable sources get it wrong” “Look away, Taylor Swift!” “Who knew he was so domestic?” “The Wide World Of Wipes” “He knew she had a boyfriend, and he respected that” “her unstable emotional state and bizarre eccentricities” “he’s only pretending to be in love with her” “Guys are going to come out of the woodwork!”

US Weekly


Britney Spears & Jason Trawick Split: “He had been planning to break up with her for months.” Rumors went around that he told her entire team before Britney herself. Friends think Trawick, who also managed Britney and served as one of her co-conservators “was using her.” News of the breakup came out at the same time as Britney’s departure from The X Factor, adding to the suspiciousness of it all.

What Happened With Harry & Taylor? Their Caribbean jaunt was a surprise gift from Harry Styles to Taylor Swift. “He planned it and whisked her away. And promptly broke her heart.” After a giant fight Swift “fled the island of Virgin Gorda in tears, and found herself single. Again.” After spending every second together, Styles “got drunk and left Taylor on their boat for a few hours without telling her where he was going.” A “crying and furious” Swift was also “knocking back cocktails.” Styles tried to apologize, but Swift “called him a dick and accused him of running around with girls.” She caught the next flight home “to teach Harry a lesson. She expected him to call and apologize. He didn’t.” Instead Styles partied on Necker Island with Richard Branson, “in a hot tub with the Virgin mogul and bikini-clad girls.” A source says “He doesn’t know how to be a boyfriend, so she walked.” Swift regretted the big blow-up and started texting Styles nonstop, but “Harry wouldn’t call her back. He thinks she’s too emotional.” That’s one way to put it.

Courtney Cox’s Face: Cox, as you may have noticed from Cougar Town promos, is “game for anything when it comes to antiaging treatments.” She says “I’m very open to trying to prolong the inevitable. I’m a big laser believer.” As she prepares to turn 50, she has invested thousands of dollars into treatments involving ultrasound waves and spot-erasing lasers. So no one told you life was gonna be this way. I wonder if she’s seen Brazil?

Teen Mom Farrah Abraham Waxes Her Daughter’s Unibrow: “I felt bad for her.” Her daughter put up a screaming fight during the wax, so Abraham waited until the tot fell asleep and then surreptitiously plucked out the remaining hairs. Sigh.

Tori Spelling’s Worst Date Ever: “After her suitor suggested they skip dinner, the 90210 vet downed four cocktails and vomited.” She says “It was Donna Martin on prom night all over again.” Tori Spelling just IS Donna Martin.

Was Ben Affleck Snubbed? 91% of US readers say “YES.”

Patricia Heaton: “I wish somebody would take me to Funkytown.”

Ryan Gosling: “I had a car full of [girl scout cookies]. I didn’t know what to do. So I started just, like, throwing them out the window to people on the street. At the time I thought, This must be what Santa Claus feels like!”

Misc/Etc: “I’m going to punch my birthday cake” “After a hot yoga class when I’m supersweaty” “spilled ice cream on his pants mid-outing” “Are there even Blockbusters left in the world?” “Every day somebody thinks I’m Beyoncé” “I don’t know who told you that to try and get in your panties” “I look quite fetching in a cowboy hat” “I love the word huzzah but I can’t stand the word ointment” “I do the hokey pokey but I refuse to turn myself around” “I’ve seen both John Denver and John Mellencamp in their underpants” “My bebeee” “Awakened by her cat” “Oh my God, he’s so New Jersey” “Bill Murray breaks it down” “Amy Poehler and Tina Fey head for the dessert cart” “There’s no drama” “punched the pillow belly”

InTouch


Is Sean From The Bachelor A 29-Year-Old Virgin? “Sean’s a good Southern boy. He’s hooked up with different girls, but it never gets to sex.” Uh, I don’t know what Southern boys y’all have been talking to. “He’s so flirtatious and charming. But then nothing happens in the bedroom. Girls are thinking ‘Is it me? But it’s him.’” Sean says he just “thinks sex is something special” that “should be shared with the one you’re going to spend the rest of your life with.” Despite “saving himself” Sean just “can’t keep his clothes on.” He strips off his shirt constantly, to taunt the ladies. Let’s just put it out there. There’s something Sean’s been meaning to tell us: He’s single.

Bradley Cooper on Jennifer Lawrence Dating Rumors: “If it didn’t happen by now, it’s not gonna happen. I could literally be her father.”

Claire Danes: “I would make a lousy stay-at-home mom. It just wouldn’t suit me.”

Ryan Gosling’s Mom: Wore a gold brocade coat to the Gangster Squad premiere that she borrowed from Gosling’s girlfriend, Eva Mendes. Gosling told press “My mom’s wearing my girlfriend’s clothes.” SORRY, HATERS!

Mariah Carey Is Perfect: (1) “One thing we all know: Whitney [Houston] was not to be toyed with.” (2) “”In school they used to call me ‘Mirage’ because I was never there.” (3) “I was the world’s worst waitress.” She also confesses that she likes to “go for walks in semi-disguise. I like to go to public places and do things that I would never get a chance to do. The other night I went out wearing all Nick’s clothes.”

Heidi Klum: “If you are wild and crazy in bed, bring it on so the other person is well aware that you have little devil horns that come out every once in a while.”

Scott Disick: Lord Disick “was a model for young-adult books!” Specifically “as the cover boy for Heartland, Laura Brooke’s series of novels aimed at tween readers about a horse farm.” Oh, god, YA books about girls and horses. “Scott was an awkward teenager — completely different than how he portrays himself now.” Because now he’s an awkward cokey weirdo who aspires to be Patrick Bateman?

Misc/Etc: “Stop looking for publicity” “been transformed into something unpleasant” “I try to perfect myself” “drapes her burgeoning belly” “Cute dog! Cuter dude!” “SEND IN THE CLONES” “I was craving winter” “the other dress weighed 500 lbs” “something in her cheeks is in the wrong place” “many shivering stars” “Munchin’ on cookies with my girl” “She’s heavily medicated. They treat her like a child.” “He’s being difficult.” “They’re just friends. It’s not romantic.” “She’s peeling away the layers and showing what she really is: human” “You need to separate love and hygiene.” “She looked like she’d done a lot of Botox” “He’s still single.” “hated becoming a woman” “You can see the implants” “refers to her lady lumps as ‘prizewinners’” “These guys aren’t strangers to trading in on their looks.”

OK!


Taylor Swift: “She had the major hots for Harry.” So what happened? “Taylor was a little too intense for the free-spirited Harry.” WHAT DO YOU MEAN TOO INTENSE?

Zooey Deschanel: “Somebody asked me, ‘How did you start doing comedy?’ and I was like, ‘By being unintentionally funny.’” She is so, so, so good on New Girl.

Angelina Jolie: “Other little girls wanted to be ballet dancers. I wanted to be a vampire.” And now you are! Hooray!

Misc/Etc: “two marriages, a lesbian affair, substance abuse and self-mutilation” “newly minted ex” “shares a few yuks” “four snow bunnies” “the chemistry was good” “I didn’t think it would be that easy for me to get pregnant but it was” “It’s a rhythm and it’s hard to teach it” “their little pup, Frisbee” “spirited and challenging” “Our animal friends are family and we consider it the greatest privilege to know them.” “She’s no rookie when it comes to dating.” “a lonely divorcee pushing 40” “procreating and parenting wildly” “She is terrified of any sorts of chemicals”

Filed Under: Angelina Jolie, Anne Hathaway, Ben Affleck, Beyonce, Bradley Cooper, Britney Spears, Claire Danes, Harry Styles, Heidi Klum, Jennifer Lawrence, Jessica Biel, Lindsay Lohan, Mariah Carey, Molly's Magazines, Russell Crowe, Ryan Gosling, Scott Disick, Taylor Swift, Teen Mom, The Bachelor, Zooey Deschanel

Photo on 2014-01-10 at 12.58 #3

Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

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