Let’s Fix the New ‘N****s in Paris’ Video

And just like that, Watch the Throne fever is officially over. Great run, but it’s done.

With the chance of a lifetime to make the most amazingly literal video of all time, The Throne decided to immortalize their tour with a boring kaleidoscope-inspired concert video. I couldn’t be more disappointed.

I’m so upset because I know exactly what the video to “Niggas in Paris” was supposed to look like:

——

Starts with sunrise aerial shot of Paris, France

16-bar instrumental break: Shots of Aziz Ansari and Gwyneth Paltrow (“Niggas”) driving around Paris in a convertible, beginning in the daytime and going into the early evening, looking for Jay and Kanye. At bar 12 of 16, they drive by the Arc de Triomphe and see Jay and Kanye, wearing matching Napoleon Bonaparte jackets, flanked by enormous white horses drinking Ace of Spades out of their buckets.

Jay starts rapping as they Throne-walk toward the convertible. Aziz and Gwyneth get in the back as Kanye takes shotgun and Jay hops in the driver’s seat. When he says the line admitting that he could not care less about the Nets’ success or failure, and then says, “I’d look at you like this shit gravy,” he looks in the rear-view mirror and speeds off, showing a “BKLYN” vanity plate on the back of the convertible.

BALL SO HARD – SCENE CHANGE

When Jay says “This shit weird,” we see Jay, ‘Ye, Aziz, and Gwyn driving down the Champs-Elysees, with no other cars in immediate sight. They get to a stoplight and finally pull up to another car. It’s a tricked out pickup truck driven by Mike Tyson, with Michael Jordan riding shotgun. The foursome ditch their car and hop in the bed of the truck.

BALL SO HARD

When Jay says “Got a broke clock,” the foursome in the back start taking off their most expensive goods and throwing them off the truck as Tyson speeds down the Champs Elysees. Decadence, indeed.

BALL SO HARD

When Jay says “I’m shocked too,” Tyson pulls over in front of the Le Meurice hotel. Jay is in the foreground of the screen rapping “I’m supposed to be locked up too. If you escaped what I’ve escaped, you’d be in Paris getting fucked up too,” but you see Tyson and Jordan rapping along, signaling their agreement with the lyrics, and then toasting at the end of the verse.

BALL SO HARD – SCENE CHANGE

Suddenly they are in a party room at the Le Meurice, by the time Jay utters “Let’s get faded.” Aziz, Gwyneth, Jordan, and Tyson are now all in fancier clothing, but Jay and Kanye are still wearing their Napoleon jackets and kicks. Joining them in the private room are 20 models, Kobe Bryant, Rihanna, Beyonce, Derrick Rose, John Legend, Chrissy Teigen, Jeremy Lin, Chris Martin, Kelly Rowland, J. Cole, Kid Cudi, and the entire New York Football Giants team.

BALL SO HARD

When Jay says “Bitch, behave. Just might let you meet ‘Ye,” he grabs an out-of-control Jeremy Lin by the arm, and points over to D. Rose and Yeezy exchanging numbers. After scolding him, Jay gives Lin his Brooklyn Nets business card wrapped up in a blank check and a note that says, “We’re going to need all the help we can get.”

The Hook: Everyone in the room doing the bounce and saying “that shit cray.” Everyone except Victor Cruz, who is salsa-ing by himself in the corner.

NEW SCENE

Kanye with “she,” played by an Amber Rose look-alike. They’re by Kanye’s car, parked near the Eiffel Tower. When she asks if Kanye will marry her at the mall, Kanye is disgusted, seeing as that they are standing in front of the Eiffel Tower.

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Jay, quickly leaves “she,” and they proceed to Throne-walk toward the Eiffel Tower. Kanye is telling Jay what just happened with this girl, including the fact that in addition to wanting to get married in the mall, she wanted to have a McDonald’s-catered wedding. Jay is appalled.

They hop in the elevator and start flying up toward the top of the Tower. By the time Kanye gets to “doctors say I’m the illest,” the elevator doors open and they walk into a party near the top of the Tower. Present at the party: all of their previous Ninjas, plus new Ninjas Prince William, Kate Middleton, Mary-Kate Olsen, Ashley Olsen, Gucci Mane, and Louis CK. Sure, it took all day and night, but they finally assembled all of their “Niggas in Paris” under one roof and everyone is finally going gorillas.

It is at this point that the Harvard-educated Jeremy Lin, feeling a little unsure of what Jay and ‘Ye are talking about, mumbles, “I don’t even know what that means.” Landry Fields (who was invited, since he’s Lin’s legal guardian until further notice), kicks him and says, “No one knows what it means, but it’s provocative.” Lin, still unable to take a hint and shut up, confidently states “No it’s not. It’s gross.” It is at this point that Renaldo Balkman (who snuck in) says “It gets the people going.” He is correct, but he is promptly kicked out of the party and deported back to Staten Island.

The music starts back and it’s the hook, so now the entire crowd is bouncing again.

After two lines of the hook, Jay and ‘Ye jump on a table and a previously unnoticed curtain opens up, displaying Skrillex. He launches into the dubstep part and everyone in the crowd starts throwing chairs, flipping tables, and causing havoc in any way they see fit. Amid all of the chaos, there’s Kanye and Jay, still standing on their tables, unfazed, rapping, “Don’t let me get in my zone.”

When ‘Ye says, “The stars is in the building,” the shot pans back to the chaos on the floor, and then goes back to the two men for the last four lines, “You are now watching The Throne / don’t let me into my zone / don’t let me into my zone / I’m definitely in my zone.”

The camera pans out of the room, then out of the Eiffel Tower to show that it’s sunrise again in Paris. And that’s the end of the video. There, all fixed.

Filed Under: Jay-Z, Kanye West, Throne Repair Dept., Watch the Throne

rembert_headshot3

Rembert Browne is a staff writer for Grantland.

Archive @ rembert