Leo DiCaprio’s Super-Sad Birthday Story … and Other Tales of Woe From This Week’s TabloidsFRANCK FIFE/AFP
Leonardo DiCaprio’s Sad 39th Birthday Party: He threw a bash in New York, at the same place he would probably be anyway on any given weekend: Tao. Doesn’t this guy ever get bored of clubbing and want to do something more relaxing, like direct? Leo’s “39th birthday fete had champagne, models and Kanye West.” Guests at Tao Downtown in NYC included Orlando Bloom, Kristen Wiig, and Leo’s interchangeable young skinny blonde arm candy of the moment, Toni Garrn, 21. The party, which included a champagne charity auction and a half-hour concert by Kanye and 2 Chainz, went until 4 a.m. and sounds kind of depressing, right? Like for his 39th birthday Leo just threw himself the greatest My Super Sweet 16 party?
Katy Perry Prayed for Prism: In case you needed more proof Katy has gotten back in touch with her Christian rock roots, “She turned to daily prayers and Transcendental Meditation to write her ‘favorite song,’ the stirring ‘Unconditionally’” as well as “postdivorce purge ‘By the Grace of God.’” According to Katy, “Unlike other pop stars, I need to make myself vulnerable to create.” MEOW. What’s with every pop star being such a special snowflake lately? Who says other pop stars aren’t just as vulnerable as you? Didn’t you see Miley cry? Did you hear Artpop?
Will Smith Denies Affair With Margot Robbie: “NO, THEY WEREN’T GETTIN’ JIGGY WIT IT.” Robbie went on the record to say, “There’s absolutely no truth to the ridiculous rumor.“
Oprah Winfrey Humblebrags: “Not great bandwidth here in the Himalayas so if I drop out you all understand.” Yes, of course we understand, now will somebody please help get Oprah some decent bandwidth in the Himalayas!
Claire Danes Was a Lisa Simpson: “I was that really obnoxious kid who always had her hand up and was desperate to scream out the answer in class.” (Me too.)
Ashton Kutcher: “I’m a grower, not a shower.”
Miranda Lambert’s Weight Loss: “People always say, ‘It’s all downhill from 30.’” COOL! “I wanted to get ahead of the game a little.” The star lost 25 pounds in the last three months, after resolving to go on a diet before her 30th birthday. She said, “I want to find a happy medium between feeling good about my body and having a beer and barbeque.” She and husband Blake Shelton refuse to give up drinking, which is their favorite downtime activity. “After years of gaining and losing, Miranda is seeking more than a short-term fix.” LEAVE MIRANDA LAMBERT ALONE!
Kelly Clarkson Doesn’t Believe in Genres, Wants Babies Immediately: “We are in the age of the iPod, and I grew up on everything, from rock to rap or even classical. As long as it’s soulful and empowering and I’m true to myself, I think I can pull it off. I have yet to try hip-hop, though! I would if the song is right.” As long as you do your own twerking, Kellz. She also says, “My eggs aren’t getting younger!” Yes, but Adele warned her that children might overtake her huge career. “I saw Adele at the Grammys, and she said, ‘Girl, don’t have a baby 'cause everything else will go on the back burner. I’m living in babyland!’ I keep adding stuff on, but I want it all.” Yeah, but I bet Adele gives good real talk. Clarkson wants to put out a pop album and a country album next year, and be on Broadway. Behind these hazel eyes!
Things You Don’t Know About Questlove (Excerpted)
“I am left-handed.”
“I’m also right-handed!”
“I have not had a drop of tap water in 30 years.”
“It’s my fantasy to play a dead body on Law & Order.”
“My hair smells like French toast.”
“I once flew to Tokyo just to eat Jiro’s sushi for my birthday.
“I love Google Doodles.”
“I’m the hottest bitch in this place. (Seriously, I have a high iron count.)”
“I reference Back to the Future 10 times a day.”
“My best Valentine’s Day date was at Prince’s roller skating party”
“I can tap dance.”
Misc/Etc: “Faux modesty is the best policy” “sassy, showstopping sparkles” “Turns out they were ‘catfished’” “This could happen to anybody” “I’ve been known to put them on after an event” “You can expire after a while in heels!” “Maybe they’ll be the keys to the heart of some man who comes into my life!” “Spermy” “I’m not going to date a loser. I need him to win.” “I always loved to get naked so I thought I may as well get paid.” “Swamp Creature!” “playfully posed in a wheelchair” “Unbe-effing-lievable” “Diana Ross left a Beverly Hills Ralphs” “with a USB bracelet” “twerking with Brad Paisley” “Tina Fey watching herself in Mean Girls on a TV during her blowout at a Drybar in Manhattan” “she wanted to celebrate him” “raise 1,000 kids”
Britney Spears & Robin Thicke Had a Fling: In the past, y’all. “Ten years ago, Robin was secretly spending time with another controversial singer: Britney Spears! The pair had a fling in 2003 — when Britney was at the top of her game but no one knew who Robin was yet. He was trying hard to develop a reputation as a hot young singer and Britney was the biggest thing in show business. Oh and he was still dating Paula Patton the whole time. The flame went out quickly and Britney was marrying Jason Alexander in Vegas by 2004. Robin married Paula, who “has always let him get away with a lot.” Is “Blurred Lines” about their open marriage?
Kimye: Kanye is “obsessed with his ongoing Yeezus tour and trying to plan the wedding of the century — all by himself. When Kim does voice her frustrations, her hot-tempered fiancé usually does something over-the-top to appease her. To make up for his crappy behavior and mood swings, Kanye makes these grand gestures — gifts, trips, clothes — and it pulls her back in again. The gestures are big, but the day-to-day is always the same. He checks out. Kanye told Kim he’d give her the world. But he’s such a loose cannon that she doesn’t know what to expect from him. It’s hard to plan a future that way.” FIGHTER JETS!
Will Smith’s Weird Post on Facebook for Willow’s 13th Birthday: Will posted “No more little ones in the house … I think I’m gonna get Jada pregnant tonight.” That doesn’t seem defensive in light of last week’s cheating scandal whatsoever!
Jennifer Lopez Is a Living Barbie Doll: A new Barbie doll was made in her image. “Growing up I was very limited. I’ve kind of turned my own life into Barbie’s life. I followed my dreams.” This makes her cars make sense. Fans are annoyed that the limited edition J. Lo Barbie is missing Lopez’s signature asset: a badonkadonk.
Liam Hemsworth’s Mom Teaches High School Sex Ed: “It was interesting until she talked about her own personal experiences.” Ooh, is Mrs. Hemsworth a chronic oversharer? That explains a lot about Liam’s love for and engagement to Miley.
Elizabeth Berkley’s Most Hated Costume: “The pleated pants they made me wear on Saved by the Bell. I hated them.” She presumably loved the Showgirls costumes, because they are exquisite.
Misc/Etc: “That image will go nicely with her exposed breasts and twerking” “they’re both accomplished piano players” “Heading back to her home planet?” “celebrates tying Elvis Presley” “It’s her job to look good and she needs to remember that” “Ogling on the job! These guys get caught red-handed” “He’s glad she came!” “I’m normally in my second REM cycle by now” “Beast mode!” “Katy Perry, posing with geishas” “gray hair, puffy under-eyes, and what appeared to be the faintest of wrinkles” “HAS MILEY GONE TOO FAR?” “Silly, pathetic child trying to act edgy and cool” “I’m a 100-percent man” “I am nobody’s whore and I am nobody’s fool” “They were kissing in the pool” “THE TWEETING BRA” “sexier now than I was in Showgirls!” “My boobs have grown very large and I don’t know why”
Jennifer Aniston Pregnant and Alone: I guess it’s been a minute since there was a “Poor Jen” story. Can’t you just let her be happy and have a bob, tabloids? “Jen is hurting again. Suddenly she finds herself desperately lonely, suffering through the long absence of her raven-haired second husband-to-be, who is launching a six-month stint 3,000 miles away in his beloved New York, shooting the HBO series The Leftovers.” Justin Theroux is excited because the show “could go a long way toward making him a star in his own right and quashing the perception that he’s Mr. Jennifer Aniston” but the gig also has been taking up all of his time, “raining all over Jen’s dream of becoming Mrs. Justin Theroux.” Why is being Mrs. Justin Theroux supposed to be Jen’s dream but Mr. Jennifer Aniston is painted as Theroux’s nightmare? Fuck off, OK! “Jen is in full marriage mode now. Before he left, she was really trying to pin him down to tie the knot. But Justin is getting so fed up with wedding talk. It’s not that he doesn’t want to get married, although there are some friends who think he’ll never go through with it.” Jen is considering buying a ranch in Taos, New Mexico, where they could live away from paparazzi and press. “If friends are correct and she is pregnant, it’s going to be unbelievably hard on her. She did not plan on being left at home playing mom on her own. She’s doing her best to stay positive, like she always does, but there are moments, especially in the evening, when she really misses him.” She want Theroux to feel successful in his own right, but she also wants him to be around to hang out with her all the time. “The fact that Justin is filming in NYC only exacerbates one prevailing tension between the couple. Jen, of course, is an L.A. woman tied to the SoCal sun and sand; he’s a downtown Manhattanite to the core — and still keeps the apartment where he long lived with ex Heidi Bivens. It’s been a huge sticking point in their relationship. Justin loves that city. It’s where he chose to spend most of his adult life. He always wanted their base to be in New York, and no amount of luxury in their Bel Air mansion will change that. She’s done everything to try and make him feel at home there, including building him his own marble sauna for his morning read of The New York Times.” Their Beverly Hills palace could easily become a prison if he misses New York. Jen isn’t filming anything and has been “ratting around the 8,500 square foot spread all by herself.” She entertains friends like yoga teacher Mandy Ingber, hairdresser Chris McMillan, makeup artist Gucci Westman, and Chelsea Handler. “Justin is saying why don’t they just bide their time for a little longer and plan something when shooting finishes next spring. But Jen doesn’t want to wait that long — she fears Justin may be cooling on her — and it’s causing all kinds of friction.”
Jennifer Lawrence: “I’m not good with big dresses and stairs.”
Liv Tyler: “I’m so glad the ’90s are back. I’m so nostalgic for the whole aesthetic.”
Misc/Etc: “SHE THOUGHT THEY HAD A FUTURE TOGETHER” “adds a sexy touch to this conservative look” “women love gadgets too” “THERE’S A LOT LESS LAMBERT” “the diva also took time to scream at some food” “MUM WUVS YOU” “the poor dads get forgotten” “she even posts pictures of her tummy on Instagram” “THE HOUSEWIFE STARTS HER OWN PODCAST” “He’s been scary, tender, funny, heartbroken, sociopathic — and a Mouseketeer!” “overindulged on more than a dozen of the miniburgers” “Tiffani Thiessen: Secrets of a Hot Mom”
Life & Style
Simon Cowell on Fatherhood: “There are a lot of boring things that happen when you have a baby.”
Ethan Hawke: “Sexual fidelity can’t be the whole thing you hang your relationship on.” Shut up, Ethan Hawke.
Selena Gomez on Her First Encounter With Taylor Swift: “She was 16 with the confidence of a 25-year-old. Actually I should say 80-year-old because she’s such an old soul.”
Misc/Etc: “Gwyneth looked tres chic while in Paris” “a night off from mom duty (and mom duds)” “cropped it like it’s hot” “Boudoir bombshell!” “her music has lost its twang” “morning sickness bracelets” “still wearing a full-on face mask” “Ian McKellen, 74, stripped to skivvies featuring his Hobbit character Gandalf and the famed line ‘You shall not pass.’” “the funny girl’s extensions hit the pavement” “George and Julia LOL” “I drink!” “The newlywed flew solo” “put her violin skills to the test” “With a job like this, who needs vacation!” “an awkward gross length” “It was the strongest weed ever!” “Was he eating bonbons upstairs?” “terrible skin” “This is something your pimp forces you to wear. Who’s her pimp these days?”