Kirstie Alley’s Man-eating Days … and Other Horror Stories From This Week’s Tabloids

Star


Kirstie Alley’s Juicy Memoir Is All About Men: She dated Tim ‘Otter’ Matheson in the early ’80s “until one fateful night when his secret fiancée’s unexpected visit forced Kirstie to escape out the window.” It was then that she learned, “don’t trust actors, no matter how many éclairs they offer you.” She and Patrick Swayze had an emotional affair during ’85 miniseries North and South while they were both married to other people. “Patrick told Kirstie that he was falling in love with her and she, in turn, begged him, unsuccessfully, to have sex.” As in she begged him unsuccessfully or the sex was unsuccessful in some way? “This man and I never had sex or did sexual things, but I consider what we did more dangerous and a betrayal to our spouses.” Does they mean they played, like, really steamy games of Connect Four?

Alley fantasized about Ted Danson and his “big dick” during her time on Cheers, although she never got to sample the merchandise. The cast once conspired to photograph Danson in the shower, but “things didn’t go according to plan.” Kirstie says, “George Wendt kicked the door open. I snapped the photo of the naked Ted. I swear to God he was well endowed. I would show you the picture, but my hands were shaky.” She calls handsome Dancing With the Stars Maksim Chmerkovskiy pro “mysterious” as well as “capricious, rude, thoughtless, and bossy. He is also gentle, childlike, fragile, and sensitive.” Be sure to take Alley’s revelations with a lot of salt. She also claims she and John Travolta fell in love during Look Who’s Talking, although they never hooked up. It’s possible some of these passionate love affairs may have taken place mainly in her imagination. I wanna see the receipts.

Jason Sudeikis & George Wendt: “Jason Sudeikis has been an emotional mess since his beloved uncle, Cheers star George Wendt, was rushed to the hospital with chest pains.” Oh, you didn’t know Sudeikis and Wendt were related? Good luck unseeing Norm every time you see Sudeikis.

Peter Facinelli & Jennie Garth: He thinks he “looks like the bad guy” and wants her to stop giving interviews about their divorce. “It’s hard for her to be civil with him, because she’s so angry.” Garth says her husband abandoned her after 11 years of marriage and three daughters. Peter thinks his ex is being “a publicity hound.”

Mariah Carey Uses La Mer Creme on Her Babies’ Butts: “Not only do Mariah and hubby Nick Cannon drop big bucks on designer baby shoes, imported Italian crib linens and bubble baths using only bottled water, but the ultrarich parents use pricey La Mer moisturizer as diaper cream!” Is anyone surprised? The woman has a mermaid room in her penthouse. “It’s $150 for one ounce, but Mariah spends $1,900 per massive 16-ounce jar and only uses it on her 18-month-old twins’ delicate fannies. Nothing is too good for Mariah’s babies. She probably spends more than $6,000 a month on the lotion alone so the kids don’t have diaper rash. She uses what’s left over on her own face — why not?” TREAT YOURSELF, MIMI.

Misc/Etc: “Do I smell pizza?” “a smooch from her much older boyfriend” “David Arquette nearly naked in a landfill” “from mellow and friendly to arrogant and self-absorbed” “Now she controls his every move, and they’re together nonstop” “sick of playing second fiddle to her sexy parent” “her dating life is miserable and she wants a boyfriend” “She put the focus on herself to gain sympathy, like always” “Is it too late to rename the movie Slow and Cautious?” “cattier than a high school clique!” “any ending could be happy if the price is right” “boozing, clubbing, and hitting on random girls” “I’m glad I have sons, or I’d be broke!” “Olive Garden. Mmm, I go there all the time!” “looked the part of a chimney sweep” “Taylor Swift is BOY CRAZY” “a boy band’s worth of famous guys” “celebs pick love over marriage” “he pursued the door” “he’s being used by the bisexual actress” “Ja! Ich bin verliebt!” “his groupies have long been a thorn in her side and she has found other women’s numbers on his cell” “they can work on babymaking”

Us Weekly


Justin Bieber & Selena Gomez: “The world may have one less Belieber” and one more lonely girl. The couple broke up in November after her trust issues ran into his desire to play the field. “He wanted to experience other girls.” Bieber has already been “texting other ladies constantly” even as he tries to get Selena back. Sources say “They’re young. They’re always on and off. Now they’re on a break. Tomorrow, they could be back on.

Taylor Swift: “I’ve learned that some people I meet inspire songs and some don’t. That’s why I have a lot of songs written about the same person. Some people have that unexplainable It factor. And you never know when you’ll meet one.” She says Red‘s dubsteppy “I Knew You Were Trouble” is about “chaotic, intensely out-of-control emotions” and “a danger too tempting to pass up. You ignore the danger signs and hope you’ll be the exception to the rule. I wasn’t.” She hopes the dudes she writes songs about listen to them and think about what they did. “I picked up my guitar and wrote it instead of picking up the phone and calling someone I missed. It’s like putting a message in a bottle. I know the person I want to hear what I’m saying will get it eventually.” She is optimistic about the future. “I hope I’ll age gracefully and know when to step out of the spotlight. And I hope I’ll end up happy.”

One Direction’s Zayn Malik’s Celeb Crush: “Rihanna. She’s so hot that I’m too scared to approach her!” Considering RiRi has discussed how much she hates it when guys find her intimidating, I’m guessing this pairing won’t be happening soon. Too bad, because I would love it if Rihanna dumped Chris Brown for Zayn.

Daniel Day-Lewis & Sally Field: To prep for her role as Mary Todd Lincoln in Lincoln, she and Daniel Day-Lewis “texted for seven months before filming. Daniel started it. We texted in character.” What does Abraham Lincoln text? Does DDL always text in character? Do you think he occasionally texts Paul Dano menacing statements just for a laugh? I sure hope so.

Josh Duhamel on Male Modeling With Ashton Kutcher in the ’90s: “We were so into it. We thought we were so cool. It was like a real-life Zoolander.”

Rachel Bilson: “All men hate harem pants, but I don’t give a shit. They are so comfortable. You get a little room, you know?” For your balls?

Kate Moss on Fellow ’90s Supermodel Christy Turlington: “The last time I saw her she was wearing a twinset. You can think twinset, but you can’t wear one.” SHADE.

Katie Holmes: “I still think of myself as Midwestern. I mean, I’ve had boxed wine. It’s good. And it’s a lot easier to open.”

Misc/Etc: “emotional affairs” “It wouldn’t dawn on her that her revelations would be hurtful to anyone” “The idea of leaving Earth on a space shuttle scares me” “I’m obsessed with fat babies” “She cherishes her chompers!” “I can spit water through them” “your ice cream cake is on the way!” “flaunted her G-cup breast implants” “I could absolutely be dominant” “stars like to stick out their lickers” “Jon Hamm packed his goodies” “a showbiz baby” “He’s known since the moment things turned romantic” “they jump on tables and even throw food at each other!” “I’d be shocked if they got married” “Did the Real Housewives join a fight club?” “No one’s happy for anybody, I feel like” “I’m not going to ask him to marry me!” “Oh, you mean, like, drug dealers?” “donkey booty” “Her mom had her looking like a slut, with three inches of makeup” “No girl that young should be considered sexy!”


In Touch

Extreme Cougar Wives: There’s a new TLC special about older women with much younger men. “For Stephanie, a 65-year-old hypnotherapist whose husband passed away while they were making love, part of the attraction is that Octavio, 28, won’t die on her.” Yeah, I’m setting this up to record right now. “I’ve already lost a husband, and I don’t want to lose another.” Octavio is “not her first younger boyfriend, but he is her most serious.” Seventy-six-year-old Hattie says, “I have the sex drive of a 20-year-old.” She admits, “I would like one of these young men to stay with me much longer, but they don’t.” She is “afraid to get too attached. I’ve trained myself not to fall in love. But I’m not totally in charge of that.” It’s like Golden Girls crossed with HBO’s Girls.

Lady Gaga Shades Adele: “I don’t really care if they think I’m fat because, quite honestly, I did gain about 30 pounds. Adele is bigger than me — how come nobody says anything about it?” before adding “I think her confidence is something I have to match.” Lady Gaga, you are setting yourself up for a big fall with all this Artpop promo.

Kourtney Kardashian: “Has had two books on the New York Times‘ best-seller list.” Just sit with that for a second.

Suri/Sara: Katie Holmes calls Suri “Sara” in public, so as not to attract attention. Yes, I’m sure being Katie Holmes with a young girl in public attracts no attention at all. “It’s a privacy issue.” At a Build-a-Bear store she was spotted “requesting that her stuffed animal be named ‘Sara’ and she even specified no h so she and the doll would have the same number of letters in their names.” NUMEROLOGY.

Adele Comes Correct on Lady Gaga’s Bullshit: “I’ve always been a size 14-16 and been fine with it. I would only lose weight if it affected my health or sex life — which it doesn’t.” Lady Gaga’s a bit of a twit sometimes, innit? Although Adele is now with Simon Konecki, she still says, “I’m after Prince Harry. I know I said I wouldn’t go out with a ginger, but my crush is Prince Harry! I’d be a real duchess then. I’d love a night on the town with him; he seems like he’d be a right laugh.” He would be a right laugh. Hey, you know the saying, until you go ginger you’ve never experienced real pain.

Kelly Clarkson: “I think men in general prefer women with confidence. It’s all about how you carry yourself.” She is in a happy relationship and plans to write about that. She says “I remember listening to Alanis Morissette’s Jagged Little Pill and thinking ‘Oh my God, I can actually say what I think!’ So I write what I’m feeling. It’s therapeutic.”

She says that before current beau Brandon Blackstock she “didn’t have a lot of boyfriends. Like two!” Her favorite movies are Dumb and Dumber and Talladega Nights because she is perfect. The celebrity she was most excited to meet was “Lauren Graham from Gilmore Girls. I was so excited. Like way more than the Pope.” Despite her new body confidence, she admits, “I dream daily of a boob job. I have little boobs. I really want one. But I’m so scared, I would never do it. I’m a wussy girl, and I’d get freaked out. But I totally get why girls do it.” Then she says, “I’ve never really been insecure.” Wait, what?

Misc/Etc: “Daughter or date?” “I’m a human Christmas tree” “Motherhood is the most important role for the Southern belle” “my hair takes seven hours to do sometimes” “four more beers” “a run for their undies” “the singer strips down to stockings and stilettos” “what a cheeky lad” “a racy surprise bachelorette party” “Mad Hatter Mischa Barton” “She is a spitfire!” “Her old man!” “He played the role of the perfect partner” “drinking and acting wild until 7 a.m.” “making it rain” “She’s no dummy” “never goes anywhere without people taking notice” “looking forward to having an ice cream cone” “He wasn’t being affectionate with her at all” “There was very little intimacy in the final stages” “He was working it” “She likes him, and she knows he’s a player” “NAOMI LIVES IN A UFO?” “indoor swimming pool that turns into a dance floor”

OK!


J.Lo & Casper Smart & Marc Anthony: “Despite their differences, there is a lot of mutual respect between Marc and Jennifer. He was shocked when Jennifer told him she was just having fun with Casper. If she’s being real, while she’s fond of Casper, she couldn’t see herself tying the knot.” But codependent Lopez “has got to have a man in her life at all times, so you can be sure that if she is going to ditch Casper, she already has someone lined up to take his place.” [Sigh of relief.]

Jenny McCarthy’s Midlife Crisis at 40: “I bought a sports car, started dating young guys and I’m twirling glow sticks at nightclubs.” That’s called multitasking.

Paul McCartney: “There is no humane way to farm sea turtles.” True that.

Blake Shelton: “My dad always told me, ‘Son, you should write a song about your brother.’ I just needed the right person to write this song with and the right person to sing it,” he says of his CMA win for “Over You.”

Misc/Etc: “Britney’s is a bit too mini” “shudder at the thought of turning the big 4-0″ “We can’t wait to see who captures her heart next!” “Does No Doubt have a portrait aging in a closer somewhere?” “LOVELY IN LEATHER” “it’s fine to have a work husband as long as your real husband is okay with it” “in a lot of shots, my face looks plastic” “reluctant to make their relationship public” “she’d be better off eloping” “It won’t be a cheesy beach wedding” “setting her sights on the ultimate Hollywood conquest” “a fantastic revenge fling if nothing else” “He’s still a man, and he is dying to vindicate himself” “fun and cathartic” “She assumed she had the upper hand” “her meal ticket – that iconic face”

Filed Under: Adele, Ashton Kutcher, Blake Shelton, Casper Smart, Daniel Day Lewis, Jennie Garth, Jennifer Lopez, Jenny Mccarthy, Jon Hamm, Justin Bieber, Katie Holmes, Kelly Clarkson, Kirstie Alley, Kourtney Kardashian, Lady Gaga, Marc Anthony, Mariah Carey, Molly's Magazines, One Direction, Paul Mccartney, Rihanna, Sally Field, Selena Gomez, Taylor Swift

Photo on 2014-01-10 at 12.58 #3

Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

Archive @ mollylambert