Kim Kardashian’s Luxury Delivery Suite, and Other Absurdities From This Week’s Tabloids
Kim’s Diva Delivery: “Kanye West has spent the past month tirelessly promoting his new album, Yeezus, not even letting girlfriend Kim Kardashian’s difficult pregnancy get in the way of his international performance schedule and record-listening parties.” O RLY? “But when Kim, 32, called Kanye, 36, a few hours before his Yeezus event in Hollywood on June 14 and told him she was having stomach pains, he canceled his appearance and rushed to her side.” Kim delivered, prematurely, a “relatively healthy baby girl.” Kim had promised Kanye that there would be no cameras in the delivery room, but she broke that promise. “Kim planned all along to allow cameras into the room and even kicked Kanye out when he became enraged by it. She totally blindsided him!” I hope this story isn’t true, and I kind of assume it isn’t. Kanye “tried multiple times to have the crews removed but Kris stepped in to direct the production — and a fight erupted. Kanye tried to tell Kris that it’s his baby and she needs to butt out, but she gave him an evil look and told him that Kim is her daughter and she has more say over that baby than he ever will.” HAIL SATAN.
Kim’s birth took place in a “$4,030-a-night suite freshly painted and soundproofed,” with “freshly ironed 1,000-thread-count pink Egyptian-cotton sheets on the bed before her arrival.” This sounds like Game of Thrones. “She kept her makeup artist and hairstylist at her side the whole time. And she gave birth in designer heels!” Come on. “Following the chaotic delivery, Kim, Kanye and Grandma Kris had a moment to bond with the tiny baby girl, who weighed in at less than five lbs. While the new dad appeared to fall in love with his daughter instantly — he couldn’t stop staring at her or touching her, Kim seemed to be a bit less hands-on. She announced that she would absolutely not be breast-feeding, exclaiming “My body’s been ruined enough!” COME ON. Kim’s top priority after checking out of the hospital? “She’s been planning to have liposuction and a tummy tuck” but Kanye is freaked out from his mother’s surgeries and doesn’t want her to do it. Kim is mad at Kanye “for not giving her an engagement ring right after the birth.” Is she mad about Yeezus?
Miley’s Parents Are Divorced: “Kids acting out when their parents split up is nothing new. But in 20-year-old Miley Cyrus’ case, the downward spiral was underway well before her mom, Tish, filed to divorce dad Billy Ray,” and now she will listen to The Downward Spiral even more. “Miley’s a wreck over their divorce. Her parents provided structure and set an example that she always wanted to emulate. It’s sad.” Miley has been on “a tear of rash, exhibitionist behavior — wearing next to nothing, twerking at rap concerts, flashing a grill” and “releasing new music about hard-core partying — while trying to cope with her roller coaster of a relationship with Hunger Games star Liam Hemsworth.” Miley called out her dad on Twitter for ignoring her, tweeting, “@billyraycyrus since your text and email obviously aren’t working would you like to talk like this?” She also wished Billy Ray a happy Father’s Day in absentia. A few days later she posted a picture of herself with younger sister Noah and mom Tish captioned “the baddest bitches in the WORLD.”
Gwyneth Playing Emma For Taylor: “What did Taylor Swift and Gwyneth Paltrow talk about over tea in London on June 9? Boys, of course! Sources say Gwyneth, 40, is sharing her secrets to finding a British husband with Taylor, 23.” Oh man, if Taylor Swift stole Chris Martin from Gwyneth Paltrow it would be EPIC. “Gwyneth sees a lot of herself in Taylor and considers her like a sister.” Gwyneth has set Tay Sway up before; she introduced her to Jake Gyllenhaal, “a setup that crashed and burned spectacularly, but Taylor idolizes Gwyneth’s London lifestyle and wants a proper Englishman for herself.” Get ready for the best line. “Apparently, Harry Styles has only increased her appetite for bangers and mash!” Star suggests “ALL THE SINGLE LADS” including Max Irons, Prince Harry, and Nicholas Hoult.
Scandal on Scandal? “In a scenario fit for the juicy series, Tony Goldwyn’s real-life wife is jealous over his too-close-for-comfort relationship with his on-screen love interest, Kerry Washington, 36. In a recent interview, 53 year old Tony — who plays president Fitzgerald Grant — admitted that his wife, Jane Musky, 59, isn’t a fan of his sexy story line.” He says, “My wife doesn’t watch it. I don’t encourage it.” But it continues offscreen. “Jane has been to the set a few times and thought Kerry was too flirty with him in between takes. Tony constantly reassures her that nothing would ever happen with Kerry, but she will never be comfortable with it.”
George Clooney’s Foot Fetish: “George Clooney has a foot fetish – for his own feet! According to a friend, George will wear a pair of socks only once.” Clooney washes the socks and donates them to a homeless shelter.
Misc/Etc: “WTFace?” “she refers to her husband as ‘The Exploder’” “his arms also looked worm-infested” “quest for the Fountain of Youth seems to have led her to the plastic surgeon’s office” “venous to the point of heinous” “He met eyes with her and she went crazy” “Jackman’s HUGH-MONGOUS VEINS” “But he was so insanely arrogant!” “She is not crazy…She’s just hip-hop!” “But in my eyes, you can never be too thin!” “a cute dog who’s clearly in, not out” “Model Bride” “Reese Witherspoon gave a free peep show” “like a kid in a video game” “swimsuit stunner” “the color of your chest needs to match the rest!” “Swimmin’ With Southerners” “frolicked, and fell, in the surf” “Icing your junk” “He feels totally used by her, so he is being extremely spiteful and mean”
Rex Reed Is Kanye?: “I apologize for nothing,” quoth the onetime Myra Breckinridge.
Jennifer Aniston: The latest yuppie accoutrement for stars? Chickens in the backyard! Aniston has a chicken coop on a deck in her Bel Air mansion. “Chickens like it when you visit them with a cup of coffee in your hand.” Also, she says “The Rachel was horrible!” because “It took three brushes — it was like doing surgery!” I mean, your hairstylist did invent it while high.
Valerie Bertinelli: “My husband, Tom Vitale, says he stalked me for 30 years. He used to kiss the TV when I was on!” OK.
Kevin Bacon: “People on the subway will go, ‘Hey! One degree!’ I’ve lost track of how you actually play the game.”
Tyra Banks: “I go, ‘It would be so cool to be a vegan. Gonna start today!’ Then I fry bacon.”
Hayden Panettiere: “Don’t ever get a tattoo in a different language and then go to the country where they speak that language. It’s a bad idea.” She has a tattoo in Italian saying “Vivere senza rimipianti,” misspelled “rimpianti.”
Misc/Etc: “I felt really bad for someone who is swimming in so much hate” “Farrah Abraham is ttly texting Charlie Sheen?” “She thinks he’s a nice chap!” “I ate a chocolate bunny. Embarrassing!” “I’m a football superfan of the Cleveland Browns and New Orleans Saints.” “I was in a school vocal group, Peppermint Rainbow.” “And Jack Nicholson comes out of the bathroom and he’s like, ‘Heh, heh, heh.’” “Being a voluptuous girl has opened many doors” “I don’t like sitting on a beach reading” “I think I’m a fish!” “Bring it, bitch!” “She wouldn’t be comfortable walking down the aisle with a big baby bump showing. For her, that’s not what fairy-tale weddings are all about.”
Blake Shelton Boozing Too Hard: All the “booze is taking a toll on the 37-year-old country star, who, according to insiders, has turned to copious amounts of alcohol in recent months to escape the troubles plaguing his marriage to Miranda Lambert, 29.” Sources say “he seems to drink all day, every day.” He’s been gaining weight as a result. “He has demons. His drinking really accelerates when he’s on the road,” which is “always a wild ride.” His other demon? Fast food. “He loves to go to the Sonic in town and load up on fried food and burgers.” At home in Tishomingo, Oklahoma, he also enjoys “fried cream corn bites at The Rockin’ Rib BBQ, sweet frozen treats from Dairy Queen and takeout from Fish Tales restaurant.” Lambert doesn’t mind. “Miranda thinks he’s cuddly when he’s bigger. Women haven’t stopped swooning over him. So he probably won’t be doing anything to fix it anytime soon.” Yoga fanatic Adam Levine says the odds of Blake getting into yoga are “No chance. Hell will sooner freeze over than Blake getting on a yoga mat.”
“I’ve Had 331 Plastic Surgeries and I Regret Them All!”: “Alicia Douvall always dreamed of being perfect.” She would bring a Barbie to a plastic surgeon’s office and point on the doll to show what she wanted. Surgeons “molded her into a woman so desirable, she dated movie stars like Mickey Rourke and rappers like Diddy, was engaged to basketball star Dennis Rodman and claims to have had sex with Simon Cowell 11 times in one night.” Fifteen years later, she had a change of heart and “the image-obsessed U.K. reality star began second-guessing her vanity — and is now spending another small fortune reversing the damage she has inflicted on herself.” She suddenly wishes she’d never had anything done. Her first operation was at the age of 17. “I persuaded boyfriends to pay for them. I lied to get the money just like a drug addict would.” She had her “toes shortened” so they’d “look good in sandals.” Oh man. “By the time her second child, Papaya, was born in December 2011, Alicia had done so much damage that her face looked frozen and emotionless.” She couldn’t smile. She’s been to rehab for her plastic surgery addiction three times and “admits to once overdosing on painkillers.” So many sad smileys! “I want to be more natural again,” she says, although she still looks pretty nipped and tucked albeit in a less ostentatious way. Overall Douvall had three face-lifts, 12 eye operations, seven nose jobs, four nose implants, three sets of cheek implants, one chin implant, one dermabrasion, four Fraxel procedures, two laser resurfacing treatments, five fat transfers, six lip lifts, one liposuction, 16 boob jobs, her ribs shaved, a tummy tuck, silicone butt implants (later removed), and the toe-shortening operation twice. Plus at least 260 appointments for Botox and fillers. Wheeeeee!!!!!!
Amanda Bynes: “I am an actress and I know what I’m doing.” I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does.
Harry Styles Has a WHAM! Tattoo: It says “never gonna dance again” from “Careless Whisper” and it’s on his ankles. I love it?
Martha Stewart: “As I was driving I saw a girl and guy smoking joints. I said, ‘Boy, those are sloppy joints.’ Of course, I know how to roll a joint! Not that I ever do it.”
Misc/Etc: “Sandy from Grease called: She wants her liquid-leggings-with-leather jacket look back.” “desperate guzzler of stagnant douche aqua” “his well-documented affinity for young porn stars” “She’s a scarecrow. She has no heart.” “self-proclaimed sex addict” “Slugs, snails and puppy dog tails!” “It looks like an erotic Clearasil ad!” “his own private oasis in the sky” “the youthful 71-year-old songstress” “Stop making your boy look like a girl” “she decorated a garden gnome!” “celebrate winning a chicken fight” “So thong, it’s right!” “She can’t possibly be happy with that man” “Kanye’s recent itinerary had taken him to Milan, New York, Paris and Switzerland.”
Katy Pery & John Mayer & Robert Pattinson: “As the sexy singer ping-pongs between rendezvous with these super-hot bachelors, a friend of Katy says it’s simple why John wins in the end: He’s a great lover!” Katy’s “friend” says “John is a physical guy, and the relationship with Katy is mainly physical. The reason she is back with him is that she says it’s the best sex of her life.” Her friends wish she would pick Robert Pattinson instead. “John is a bad boy, and sadly, Katy prefers that. She always falls for guys with an edge. With that edge comes drama, and John is the king of drama.” But Katy doesn’t care what her friends think, because she is having the best sex of her life.
Misc/Etc: “RIRI GOES ALL HEE-HAW” “accentuate her curves and lend a futuristic feel” “Who says no one walks in L.A.?” “C’MON CAM, HE’S SINGLE” “Who needs a guy around when you’ve got power pals like these?” “Preggers-in-purple Fergie” “because she didn’t sleep alone” “put a piece of gum in his mouth” “THE GROOM WORE FLANNEL” “stay-at-home wife-to-be”