Khloe Kardashian and the Game’s Alleged Love Child … and Other Horror Stories From This Week’s Tabloids
Who Is Khloe Kardashian’s Baby Daddy? “Photos of the reality TV star hopping into the tattooed arms of rapper The Game in L.A.’s Runyon Canyon ignited a firestorm of talk that she was cheating on her husband Lamar Odom — a controversy that shows no signs of abating.” OK! then uses every photo they can find of Khloe with her hand on or near her stomach (there are a lot, from all different times) to claim she is pregnant. While pregnancy was her dream, “that doesn’t mean it’s all roses and lollipops.” (Is that a phrase?) The Game says he and Khloe were just promoting his 60 Days of Fitness program. According to him, “We have never and will never be sleeping together. Lamar is my homie and her husband and I wish people wouldn’t spread such false rumors.” Do you though, Game? Because this is the most publicity you’ve had in years.
Katy Perry & Russell Brand: “Reeling from her breakup with musician John Mayer, heartbroken songstress Katy Perry has been secretly calling ex-husband Russell Brand for support.” Does anyone else secretly ship the idea of Katy and Russell getting back together? “She’s had another blow to her confidence, and no one knows her better than Russell does. Katy wants answers. She’s totally questioning everything: why she keeps going for the wrong guys, if there is something she does that turns them off after awhile.” I think the first question answers the second one. “Katy, 28, and Russell, 37, have managed to forge a fragile friendship in the wake of their 2011 split just 14 months after wedding in India — an elaborate six-day affair that featured the pair arriving on elephants.” Just thinking about Katy being so happy on her wedding day riding an elephant knowing what would happen later makes me feel SO SAD. “Russell always, to this day, teases Katy that she was the only girl who could get him down the aisle. He’ll always care very deeply for her.” Which doesn’t mean he wants to reconcile, he’s got to cad about some more. “Katy knows she’s still rebuilding after her divorce and that was the reason she allowed herself to be so vulnerable when it came to John.” Let’s be real: it was probably John’s dick game that made her so vulnerable. It is rivaled only by Jon Hamm’s straggling dong.
Katie Holmes: “A lot of people have gone through a lot of stuff.” Vague!
Rihanna: “Well, I Instagram everything about my life, whether it’s smoking pot, in a strip club, reading a Bible verse — how crazy, I know!” Straight flexin’.
Eva Longoria Loves Cats: “They’re sources of unconditional love and passion. I find them very similar to women — independent, feminine, and finicky.”
Mark Wahlberg: “The erstwhile Marky Mark is mulling a reunion of his band, The Funky Bunch.” He said, “I’ve just got to find the right time.” Well if you can spare a few minutes out of your busy pants-dropping schedule …
Misc/Etc: “Will the baby save her marriage — or end it forever?” “Lace can appear matronly, but not when it’s see-through!” “If this were Facebook, you would suggest your friend change their status to ‘it’s complicated.'” “I’M ALWAYS READY FOR LOVE” “She wants to be a country star!” “Then she discovered boys and kind of forgot about everything else!” “She’s always written poetry as a hobby” “Not that she’s a diva or anything” “They’re sophomoric, but as long as nobody gets hurt or is left mortified” “men who are tall, dark, handsome, and younger!” “Call him a starter baby” “I fall in love with personalities” “just one of those couples who fight like cats and dogs” “We’re not telling” “She wants to get out of the rat race completely and live like an artist in Europe.”
Jon Hamm’s Straggling Dong: “Mad Men star Jon Hamm’s penchant for going commando under Don Draper’s snug suits reportedly became a problem on set during the show’s sixth season.” A paper reported that “the actor, 42, was asked to wear skivvies under the 1960s duds because of his ‘distracting’ assets.” A source reports to Us, “It’s true. The man is packing! Costumers have their hands full.” SEASON 6 STARTS NEXT SUNDAY!!!
Justin Bieber: “The biggest misconception about me is that I’m a bad person.” OK.
Things You Don’t Know About NeNe Leakes (Excerpted):
- “My Yorkie is named Playa.”
- “I like to drink water from a wineglass.”
- “My celebrity crush is Simon Cowell.”
- “I am a ‘glam’ma’ — short and fabulous for grandma”
- “In high school I was a basketball player and a cheerleader.”
- “I can be a loner.”
Elisha Cuthbert’s Wedding Plans: “All my inspiration is on my Pinterest boards. I haven’t been stressed at all.”
Ellen Pompeo on Snoop [Dogg] Lion: “You smell him before you see him. You see the cloud of smoke and then there he appears.”
Jessica Alba vs. Gwyneth Paltrow: Battle of the macrobiotic Brentwood super-moms! Alba says, “I didn’t grow up with a bunch of money, so my tips are much more grounded.” Gwyneth didn’t respond because she was too busy shilling a $450,000 spring wardrobe and opening a series of blow-dry/yoga bars with her trainer Tracey Anderson and hairstylist David Babaii, who says you’ll be able to get a new hairstyle to go with your “new body.” TEAM ALBA.
Kimye: “Half the baby names on our list aren’t Ks.”
Justin Theroux Also Loves Leather: Boots, that is, with jeans. “Other options seem almost too grim … Sweatpants? Cargo shorts? Light slacks? Just the word slacks me anxious.” The man looks good in leather, OK?
Misc/Etc: “Justin Bieber is angry” “slow-jam this news” “YUP, I BRIBE MY KID” “the ponytail was perfect!” “probably pulled the cord” “fruit soda and codeine” “It’ll look sexier if you arch your back” “Do you feel intuitive?” “the duchess watched videos in the office of the nonprofit” “I love outdoor activities!” “we all hang and play dominoes” “these outfits would befit a gigolo” “JT a ginger?” “he let himself go a bit kinky” “He messed around with tons of models, but she’s different” “wants to lock her down for life” “This is the first time she can be a woman” “go up one cup size”
Amanda Bynes: “If the DUI and the hit-and-runs former Nickelodeon star Amanda Bynes was charged with last year didn’t seem to rattle her family, her shocking new look — sparkly studs in her cheeks, drag-queen makeup, bleached hair, outlandish wigs and revealing outfits — and increasingly disturbing tweets, like March 21’s ‘I want @drake to murder my vagina,’ have finally shaken them up.” But why? Kim Kardashian likes it! “Amanda’s family thought this was just a phase, but now they’re really worried. They’re convinced she is genuinely sick and needs help — so they’re staging an intervention.” She’s working on her perfume, duh! It will smell like the sadness of a thousand selfies.
John Mayer & Katy Perry: “John Mayer seems to be ‘Hot N Cold’ when it comes to his relationship with Katy Perry. After gushing over his relationship in recent interviews, stating that he is ‘quite happy,’ the music industry’s most notorious ladies’ man has hit an all-time low — dumping Katy for getting fat!” [Record scratch sound effect.] Katy is “devastated,” says a friend. “She is so confident, but as soon as she put on a few pounds he was constantly putting her down.” Katy doesn’t actually strike me as the most confident person, she seems pretty insecure. This obviously wouldn’t help. “Despite John’s shallow reasoning, insiders say a shattered Katy would still like to make it work!” Well, this is clearly a huge red flag that it’s NOT WORTH IT, KATY PERRY. “She’s going to make sure she looks amazing. She wants him to take her back.” She DOES look amazing, though. Patti Stanger tells it like it is: “To kick a hot girl like Katy out over some love pounds, this man needs to be punished. No woman will ever be enough for jaded John.” Word. Can I still Photoshop John and Katy into Mad Men Season 6 promo shots of Don Draper and Megan? And maybe Jessica Simpson into Betty Draper while I’m at it?
Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin: “She is well known for doling out nonstop lifestyle advice, but Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t only facing public criticism for her oversharing — she also irked husband Chris Martin when she told the world that she had suffered a miscarriage. Chris has always been a private person, and her TMI behavior really bothers him. She really went too far with the miscarriage. It was a horrible thing for the family to go through and a really traumatic personal time. Gwyneth’s decision to be more open is no accident. Sources say the 40-year-old is determined to be the next big media personality, and it’s making her husband of nine years unhappy.” Was he happy before, though? I’ve heard Coldplay songs.
Angelina Jolie’s Backup Plan Career: She wanted to be a funeral director. “It sounds like a dark, strange thing to do, but that was going to be my path.” This makes me miss the old Angelina.
Zoe Saldana & Bradley Cooper & Suki Waterhouse: “Their romance may be over, but Zoe Saldana hasn’t let go of Bradley Cooper just yet.” Friends say the Star Trek star “is fuming over Bradley’s romance with 20-year-old British model Suki Waterhouse. She thinks Suki is way too young for him.” Well, I mean, she’s right! “Zoe’s been obsessing over it. She even watched clips online of Suki modeling.” Saldana and Cooper dated on and off for the past year, breaking up for the last time shortly before awards season. “Since age is a huge obsession in Hollywood, Zoe’s confidence is at an all-time low. Age is something she stresses about. So she’s really sensitive.” That’s because she’s 34 and her 38-year-old ex is dating a 20-year-old after claiming a 22-year-old (Jennifer Lawrence) was too young for him.
Lindsey Vonn Cheating on Tiger Woods With Kris Humphries? “Despite the two looking blissfully happy in their first posed portraits as a couple, Star can reveal that Lindsey, 28, has been hooking up with Kris for the last eight months, even after Tiger was in the picture. Kris, who is still caught up in a bitter divorce battle with Kim, is apparently heartbroken over Lindsey’s decision to go public with Tiger.” Kris Humphries sure is heartbroken a lot. He should date Taylor Swift!
Misc/Etc: “Professional ballroom beefcakes” “She may seem like more of a DJ type” “I try not to mention it so I don’t scare all the girls” “he hates the fact that she has a boyfriend” “pro paddleboarder Slater Trout, 18″ “SCARES THE BOYS AWAY” “She just can’t stop giving ammunition to the Hathahaters!” “She is dressing like a single lady who is available” “liked her low-key and invisible” “ironing his undies in a sparkly gold thong” “I’ve been ridiculed that I look like Miss Piggy” “all she really wanted to do was get married after going to dental school” “already an exhibitionist at age 16!” “a very messy congratulatory hug” “She’s got a shot at a ring” “DO THEY SPEAK ELVISH?” “Sea lion around” “Her goal is to be a ‘virgin’ bride!” “clearly having an early midlife crisis”
Russell Brand: “That marriage was shaky from the get-go. It was a drag, man.” Whoops, so much for Russell and Katy Perry getting back together. Also, shu’ up, Rusty!
Number of Hours After Her Sentencing Before Lindsay Lohan Snuck Into a Club: 13.
Sofia Vergara & Her Boobs: “When they are fake, you take the bra off and they are still perfect. Me? No. I have to bring them up!”
Katie Holmes: “When you’re cleaning out your ears, you probably don’t want an audience!” DON’T USE A Q-TIP!
Amanda Bynes: “The troubled actress, 26, became the butt of jokes (again) after appearing to take credit on Twitter for inventing the abbreviation ‘LOL.'”
Olivia Munn: She has a big white dog named Falkor. This is why I’m a Munnhead!
Misc/Etc: “THEY’RE REAL” “I had sex with him in the bathroom” “Call a tailor, stat!” “depriving the dress of its slimming appeal” “refrain from going commando and um, holster his gun” “I do eat a lot of burgers” “I put a movie on, some weird horror vampire thing” “He doesn’t want to grow up” “these blonde bombshells reportedly vie for the same roles” “and let’s hope those abs!” “his steadiness on the sand” “some notice-me boots” “celebrates the first day of spring” “National Ravioli Day Pasta Eating Contest” “with the help of a jet pack” “He’s a bookworm” “I wasn’t sleeping, I was givin’ lusty realness” “He’s sweet, hot, his body’s ridiculous” “Putting their glasses of red wine down, they moved in closer”