Katy Perry’s Roamin’ Heart … and Other Horror Stories From This Week’s Tabloids
John Mayer & Katy Perry & Adam Levine: Katy Perry went to Adam Levine’s annual Halloween party and the two were flirting nonstop. “Adam was touching and hugging Katy affectionately while they did shots together for a half hour, even though his girlfriend model Behati Prinsloo was at the party too. It was kind of uncomfortable.” Perry is show-business buddies with Levine, who is also BFF with Katy’s rumored beau, John Mayer. Mayer once dated Jessica Simpson, whom Levine was once said to have tooted and booted.
“Adam texted Jess that he ‘needed space.’” WHAT? “Then he avoided her calls. She phoned him several times, but he didn’t answer.” While Katy and Adam’s flirtation is probably innocent, there’s no doubt that she knows a potential fling with Levine is her ace in the hole should John Mayer’s wandering eye and life-ruining dick get the best of John and Katy’s relationship.
Blake Shelton’s Cheatin’: Speaking of The Voice, judge Blake Shelton and his wife Miranda Lambert recently won his-and-hers CMA awards, but will that be enough to make Blake Shelton walk the line? Miranda was the other woman while Shelton was still married to “his first wife and road manager, Kaynette Gern.” Kaynette’s mom says, “I know that my daughter was shattered. Blake definitely broke her heart.” Inside sources say, “Blake has always played by his own rules.” Meaning what happens on tour stays on tour? Sure is hard to work that angle these days, what with camera phones and all. “Over the years when he was dating Miranda, he hit on multiple women while he was on the road. Blake just loves the ladies!” Well, Miranda has a lot of songs about seeking vengeance on cheating men, so maybe that will help keep Blake in check. Or maybe their marriage is open, and they’re part of a wild, secret Nashville A-list key-party circuit.
Rihanna & Karrueche Tran Fight to Have Chris Brown’s Baby: “He’s abusive and unfaithful, but apparently he’s also irresistible.” No, not Don Draper; Chris Brown. “The two women are still competing for the ‘Turn Up the Music’ singer, 23, and are now using their wombs as leverage.” This seems like a bad idea. “Both Rihanna and Karrueche are trying to get pregnant because they think it’s the only way to make Chris commit to one of them for good.” Yeah, bad idea. Rih and Tran think that “the woman who has his baby will be calling the shots.” I mean, no? “But why fight over a guy like Chris?” Seriously. “Karrueche has no career and no money, and she is desperate to hang onto Chris. Without him she’s a broke nobody. If getting pregnant is what it takes to keep him, so be it.” Rihanna has a duet with Chris on her new album called “Nobody’s Business.” Rihanna’s “motivation seems to be pure brinksmanship.” Womb-leveraging brinksmanship.
Are You Bang-able? That’s the name of an article about bangs that features Jessica Biel, Demi Lovato, Taylor Swift, and Rashida Jones as role models. Sometimes I feel like my whole life would have been different if i’d had bangs. I know I still could. I’m just saying. Are you Lester Bangs-able?
George Clooney Caught Between Brad and Jen: Both stars want the Cloondog at their weddings. “It’s ironic — George is so anti-marriage and now he finds himself being pulled back and forth over the impending weddings of two of his best friends. But Jen and Brad are fighting over George like children.” Although the weddings will be “anything but the typical catering-hall pot roast and ‘Macarena’ remixes, George still isn’t enthused about having to attend either event.” You mean “Gangnam Style” remixes, I believe. “If George had his way, he’d skip both! The truth is, he doesn’t even believe in the institution of marriage, and he finds the ceremonies terribly boring.” This story is so made up, but I don’t even care. Somebody make a reality rom-com in which George has to be best man at both. “Looks like being handsome and charming has a downside after all!”
Daniel Craig & Adele: “She and Daniel are like BFFs. She calls him Danny Boy, and he calls her Blue, which is her middle name.” Don’t you wish this were true?
Eric Stonestreet on the Heartbreak Diet: “Eric was very upset after breaking up with Katherine [Tokarz]. He really thought she was The One.” He flipped out after hearing that Tokarz is already engaged to a new dude. “He decided to use the news as motivation to get in shape. Now Eric is reportedly drinking protein shakes, exercising and turning his heartbreak-induced weight loss into a self-esteem boost. He should be in great shape for that inevitable Swingers moment when Katherine sees how good he’s doing and has second thoughts.” Ah yes, that inevitable Swingers moment when you realize that the bar you’re at in Los Feliz was in Swingers and then Marty and Elayne start playing.
Robert Pattinson: “Start drinking vodka instead of beer and try to get a six-pack as early as possible, and you’ll be a much more successful actor!” Is Robert Pattinson a troll?
Jake Gyllenhaal: “Jake may look cool now, but see how handsome he appears once he gets some pasta in that beard!” Mmm, pastabeard.
Justin Bieber & His Mom: “Justin Bieber is a total mama’s boy — until she comes between him and a cocktail!” She saw pictures of backstage beer pong and urged her son not to follow in “her once hard-partying footsteps.” Justin swore to his mom that “he would never let her down.” Then he did a Biebeer bong.
Pink Plays Sapphic Cupid: “The singer is working her magic in an attempt to get her good pal and personal trainer, Jeanette Jenkins, back with Queen Latifah!” Latifah was with Jenkins for eight years. Latifah reportedly got together with “choreographer Eboni Nichols shortly after.” Sounds like a typical mid-life crisis for the Queen. “There are whispers that Eboni and Queen aren’t so happy together right now, so Pink thinks this would be a great time to reach out.” Pink hopes to reunite “the rap icon” with her “former love” at a “dinner party, in hopes of reigniting the spark.” Pink is clearly a fan of The Parent Trap.
Pink’s relationship with her motocross racer now-husband Carey Hart stalled several times before crossing the finish line (sorry), so she is a big believer “that couples sometimes need space to rediscover their love.” Can Pink start counseling Taylor Swift on matters of the heart (“The Truth About Love”)? And maybe help ease her into the bi-curious part of Taylor’s potentially forthcoming early-twenties slutty drunk phase?
Misc/Etc: “Holy backside, Batman!” “Meanwhile her sister-in-law and on-screen nemesis” “Eva Longoria may be small, but she is mighty” “she offered cooking (and apparently fighting) tips!” “Royalty suits Rihanna” “dressed up as a rather creepy doll” “sizzled as a sexy Scottish wench” “Psy will be trying out ‘Boot Scootin’ Boogie’” “Her emotions almost got the best of her” “Ryan Gosling can’t help but swagger” “We’re sure her husband loved seeing this!” “formed their own stimulus package” “better off red!” “EVERYONE LOVES FAST FOOD” “There was no shrimp on the barbie for the Biebs” “I feel like some were a mistake” “the older Jenny McCarthy gets, the less she wears” “Mariah decided it was time for some tough love” “there’s no room for sentimentality in business” “Russian high society in the late 19th century was known for its lavish, luxurious fashions!” “And they died happily ever after? Not just yet!”
Why Can’t Taylor Swift Find Love? Like, ever? “All Taylor wants is to be loved.” You might have caught on to that if you’ve ever heard a Swift song. Although she has millions of dollars and another hit album with Red, “she has struggled to find what she wants most: a lasting relationship.” Her recent split from 18-year-old Conor Kennedy is “just the latest in a long line of raw, public breakups with men, including Joe Jonas, Jake Gyllenhaal, and John Mayer.” At least she moved away from guys with one-syllable J names. “She wants a relationship, and she’s an amazing girlfriend. But she hasn’t figured out how to have one and have her career going at full speed at the same time.” Too bad she’s not a feminist (yet). Might help with navigating that whole “precarious career-relationship balance” thing.
Even when Swift was singing about high school love as a teen, she was already far from a typical teenage girl. “She’s a prisoner of her work. It takes up all of her time.” But her work stems from the romantic wreckage that piles up in her personal life. It’s an ouroboros. “She makes it hard on herself because she controls every detail” of her career. According to Reba McEntire, “Taylor works her tail off. I think she is the hardest-working person in the music business, period.” Don’t let Beyoncé hear you say that, Reba. Swift’s tireless work ethic “can grow tiresome for the men who date the star.” A friend says, “Guys don’t want to be sitting around waiting with a rose when she gets off a plane every other month.” How do all the other rock stars do it, then? Taylor’s real issue may be that she is “the ultimate romantic” who “dives in headfirst without always thinking. She thinks that’s what love is. That’s what makes it exciting to her.” And potentially terrifying to the dudes she dates. After just a month of dating Jake Gyllenhaal, she joined his family for Thanksgiving in Brooklyn (“her parents weren’t thrilled”), sucking up to his sister and playing aunt with Jake’s niece. “Her friends told her not to move too quickly, but she didn’t listen.”
Taylor always follows her heart, but sometimes at the expense of her brain. “Her doe-eyed intensity can spook paramours.” That’s code for Stage 5 clinger alert. “She overworks relationships. She puts so much pressure on them, it ultimately kills the deal. Then she’s baffled as to why it didn’t work.” Because she wants to warp-speed all her trysts into forever right away, hoping to be guaranteed the femininity-validating eternal love from a handsome guy that she feels entitled to. This freaks out men for some reason, who tend to run scared and then dump her over the phone.
Gyllenhaal dumped her after a few months of dating. “Jake said it was all just going too fast.” Swift thought that “was a 180-turn and so out of the blue.” He may have asked her to dial down the fervor, which she absolutely could not handle. She told Cosmo recently, “I can’t deal with someone wanting to take a relationship backwards or needing space.” CAUSE WE HADN’T SEEN EACH OTHER IN A MONTH. WHAT? “When she gets in these public relationships with other big names, the magnifying glass is there.” And that can sometimes singe her beaus. “When the unions inevitably end, she retreats even deeper into her work. (Just ask any ex who’s had a song penned about him.)” She is most confident when at work. “She goes back to it because it’s something she’s good at, and she’s not so good at love.” What 22-year-old is, though? Friends claims Taylor is “not as in touch with her feelings as her songs would have fans believe. It’s like she’s analyzing love like a scientist, rather than just feeling it.” Maybe she’s analyzing the feelings because they seem nonsensical and she’s hoping to find out what they mean. Maybe she doesn’t want to go through life an emotional masochist for the sake of her art.
“It’s ironic that she’s a multimillionaire from singing about love.” Yeah, realism. Do you think she’s ever even actually driven a brand-new Maserati down a one-way street? But Swift may be wising up. “With each relationship, she’s less and less naive about the reality of dating. She’s starting to realize it’s not this imaginary fantasy with princes on horses sweeping you away.” She told NPR in November, “It’s all a learning process. And being 22, you’re kind of on a crash course with love and life and lessons.” Taylor Swift’s early-20s experimental slutty drunk phase can’t come soon enough.
The Bachelor‘s Courtney Robertson’s Regrets: “Robertson, 29, regrets being duped by the show’s over-the-top romance tactics. She recalls one date in Switzerland when San Francisco winemaker Ben Flajnik thoughtfully brought popcorn, her favorite snack.” In hindsight, “I realize it wasn’t him, it was the producer.” After the show ended, Flajnik claimed he was “all picnicked out.”
Cheryl Hines: “I’m seriously hoping disco comes back. I miss the Bus Stop.” It is back, Cheryl Hines. I mean, it’s been back for a while now. Some would argue it still sucks. Also, people tell Cheryl they love her on Modern Family because they think she’s Julie Bowen and apparently haven’t seen Cheryl on Suburgatory or Curb Your Enthusiasm.
Homeland‘s British star Damian Lewis on playing an American: “At this point, I don’t know what accent will come out when I order coffee in the morning.” How do you think Abu Nazir (Navid Negahban) feels?
Selena Gomez on Home State Texas: “I’m terrified of what I would have become if I’d stayed there. I’m sure I’d have two children by now. But I’m glad I grew up there.” I have a girl crush on Selena that makes me sort of uncomfortable because she has a child’s face and an adult woman’s body. She seems smart.
Gwyneth Paltrow’s Breasts: “like two eggs in a pan,” according to her speculating grandfather (ew!!!!!!!!!).
Keira Knightley’s Breasts: “I don’t mind exposing my tits because they’re so small.” A Photoshopped poster that made her bustier angered her because it wasn’t very flattering. “I was only angry when my boobs were droopy. If you’re going to make me fantasy breasts, at least make perky breasts.” Here ya go.
Jenna Dewan-Tatum’s Teen Crush on Johnny Depp: “Watching him in Cry-Baby was like, a pivotal moment in my life.” YOU AND ME BOTH, JENNA DEWAN-TATUM. Oh god, I bet John Waters loves Channing Tatum. I mean, I hope he does. I do.
Misc/Etc: “In many ways, I felt brainwashed” “Seductive!” “A fine burgundy!” “Champagne picnics. Moonlit strolls. Stunning vistas. And total isolation.” “Their lives didn’t mesh” “My money is just free-flowing in my bag” “Justin’s a baby, baby, baby!” “I despise pennies” “Supermodel Mom-to-Be!” “Prince Charles hopped on a Harley-Davidson” “Chris Brown misfired as a Taliban fighter” “I can’t be full on salad” “They were all over each other” “currently in the midst of a wildebeest migration” “We don’t want to force the baby into pinks” “A beautiful wife, a family, and songs on the radio” “She tends to be kind of a diva” “a scarf thief he may not be” “Welcome to Robsten 2.0″ “more equal, if sometimes unsteady, footing” “She thinks the world hates her” “the die-hard romantic’s heart is a bit bruised” “I’m really picky now about guys” “Every day I dressed up in a Rose costume and threw all my Barbies in the pool and pretended that the Titanic just sank” “He was so mysterious and nutty and he still is” “Hangover: The Musical perhaps?” “They’re small potatoes” “Art imitated life and everything merged together”
Katy Perry & Russell Brand: “They will never be friends.” The divorced pair “sat at opposite ends of LA’s Staples Center” during the first Laker game of the season. “It was not a warm, fuzzy split by any means. It freaked her out that he was at the same game she was. Thank goodness she could avoid him, but it was still extremely uncomfortable.” Katy likes to keep her vulnerability public, but not that public.
Robert Pattinson Trolls Some More: “Working with a baby is great. I would say, ‘Put a baby in every scene!’” Definitely trolling. Troll on, Robert Trollinson.
Gwyneth Paltrow: “I’m a wife, a mom, and a home cook.” Dude, we know.
Why Do These Stars Look So Different? Plastic surgery, obviously.
The Cast of The Hills: Where Are They Now?
Lauren Conrad: “I kind of hope I’m done with dating!” File under things you should never say out loud, especially to a magazine, unless you want to explore the potential of hearing them echo in your head forever when it backfires. “I finally met my dream guy!” That’s another one to keep to yourself. When asked whether she sees her Laguna Beach costars from high school, she says yeah, “when we’re home for the holidays. It’s like it is for anyone. Everyone goes to the local bar the night before Thanksgiving.” Ugh, that is depressing and amazing. I’d read a minimalist short story about that. Spencer Pratt & Heidi Montag: “They’re reportedly broke after blowing through about $1 million.” Sounds like they’re still living the American dream. Audrina Patridge: “After a turn on Dancing With the Stars, she launched a reality show that was cancelled after one season.” Yup. Brody Jenner: “traveling the world” and cameoing on the Kardashians’ show. About right. Lauren ‘Lo’ Bosworth: “launching a party-supply website” Excellent. Justin Bobby: Works as a hairstylist at a salon in Orange County. PERFECT!
Misc/Etc: “an unflattering effect” “puts the ‘Kapow’ back into Kelly Kapowski” “steals a scary page” “I morphed into Ma!” “He’s been sacked!” “The Playboy Mansion isn’t exactly Chuck E. Cheese” “shows a birthday cake getting rubbed all over her chest” “it was dope” “Poor Taylor Swift!” “the retail store where he once worked” “Tanning for two!” “Your ass looks huge!” “mysterious earplug” “It’s uncomfortable watching Britney because she seems so fragile” “Can you believe it? They’re talking babies” “acting more like a smitten teenager than a spurned lover” “She wanted it to be the perfect night” “He’s been so distant and stressed with basketball lately” “He hates plastic surgery on women” “if you have to ask, you can’t afford it!” “it makes my eyes look sunken-in” “reverts to her old ubersexy ways” “People lie on the internet?”
Jennifer Lopez Tweets Casper Smart on Their First Anniversary: Her Twitter name is @JLo, naturally. She tweeted “@BEAUcasperSMART BEAR!!!!!!!!!!!! Today is OUR’s!! Thank you for sharing your beautiful smile with me everyday! ?#SpecialDay #LOVE!” So embarrassing.
Kourtney Kardashian: “ADDICTED TO BEING PREGGERS”
Taylor Swift’s Relatives: “They’re all on my mom’s side and they’re all women and they’re really loud. They stand in the kitchen and it’s the loudest sound, it breaks noise barriers, and it’s like out of a movie.” Is Swift perhaps a little self-loathing about being a loud woman?
Christina Aguilera: “The birth of my son Max is my greatest song.” You know who is not and has never been self-loathing about being loud? Christina Aguilera. RISE LOTUS, RISE!
Kanye West: “Ate an entire platter of artichoke pizza and had seconds!” Honestly, I don’t like it when magazines body-shame men, EITHER. Let Kanye eat his fucking artichoke pizza and have sex with Kim Kardashian while she’s dressed like a mermaid.
Misc/Etc: “Not all gingers look good in red” “a hot boy-toy fling” “with her perfect wavy locks” “pregnancy smile” “Looks like Harrison Ford didn’t get enough action” “whipping up an omelet and playing a tune” “a provocative tee shirt and super short shorts” “blonde, breezy and carefree” “They’re really gooey and moist” “presents and pony rides!” “His birthday parties are always pretty kickass” “with maple syrup poured all over them” “takes a continental approach” “deep frying another” “the glowiest skin in Hollywood” “They just keep getting hotter!” “Forty is like the new little black dress” “His decisions affect future generations” “It’s always better to run into your ex when you’re with your new hottie!” “KANYE’S LITTLE MERMAID”
Filed Under: Adam Levine, Adele, Blake Shelton, Brad Pitt, Chris Brown, Damian Lewis, Daniel Craig, George Clooney, Homeland, Jake Gyllenhaal, Jennifer Aniston, John Mayer, Justin Bieber, Katy Perry, Molly's Magazines, Pink, Rihanna, Robert Pattinson, Russell Brand, Selena Gomez, Taylor Swift, The Bachelor, The Voice