Katy Perry and John Mayer Call It Quits … and Other Horror Stories From This Week’s Tabloids

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People

Katy Perry & John Mayer Break Up: Call me a naive sucker, but I really thought these two could go the distance. They made it almost a year, which is like a decade in John Mayer relationship time. As recently as March 2, she tweeted, “My boyfriend is taking me to a kitten shelter in his truck. I can’t think of a more perfect Saturday.” In the time since then, something must have gone down, because by March 18 she was tweeting “ATTENTION: Mercury is OUT of retrograde today. Thank GOD.” The split has now been announced in People, which means it was probably confirmed to them by either Mayer’s or Perry’s rep. So what went wrong? Let’s do a postmortem.

They got together last summer, making it official when they were spotted at Los Angeles’ FYF festival. She posted a pic of Mayer wearing a Santa costume around the holidays with the caption “Santa Baby.” They attended the Grammys as a couple in full glamorous style. They went to Hawaii for New Year’s, D.C. for Obama’s inauguration. They were photographed double-date hiking with Allison Williams and Ricky Van Veen on March 6. On March 17, Katy was seen going for a hike with Selena Gomez, then hitting up a screening of Spring Breakers later that night. Mayer was elsewhere, hanging out at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in Los Feliz with his longtime friend B.J. Novak, who was performing. Mayer “was in a good mood and hung out in the lobby afterward talking to his friends.” Mayer and Perry haven’t been seen together in two weeks. “Following seven months jam-packed with relationship milestones — meeting the parents! house-hunting! a ring!” (he gave her a heart shaped ruby for Valentine’s Day) “the once-inseparable couple have been spending time apart in L.A., showing signs that their romantic fireworks have flamed out.” Faaaaaaalling from cloud niiiiiiiiiiine! Their reps both refused comment, but Perry has been subtweeting Mayer by posting hurt and angry songs, like “Landfill” by the indie-rock group Daughter, which has the lyric “I want you so much, but I hate your guts.”

The split comes as a shock to anyone who thought Mayer was seriously going to change (me, for example!), after he spoke glowingly to the press about Perry, and claimed it was his first serious adult relationship. Katy’s friends were skeptical about John’s supposed turnaround, reminding her of his “reputation as Hollywood’s most outspoken heartbreaker, with a string of on-again off-again romances with A-list women.” But it’s DIFFERENT with ME! Katy probably thought the whole time, while also trying to watch her step. Perry’s marriage to Russell Brand made her more cautious about dating, as she realized that her “perfect partner is someone who won’t be threatened or have weird motives.” When they got together last summer they both pretended it was casual, a rebound for Perry after Russell Brand. They hooked up a few times and then Mayer bailed, but by the time they reunited for FYF Fest they decided to give it a real shot and suddenly, the romance got incredibly serious. Perry feigned an interest in keeping it low-key, possibly to protect her neck. A friend says “She didn’t talk about forever with John. She talked about next week.”

Since the split, Katy has tried to shut John out of her mind. “She gets really withdrawn when there’s a change in a relationship. It would be all ‘Russell this’ and ‘Russell that.’ Then she suddenly stopped talking about him. That’s what has happened with John. She used to say things like ‘John’s working on new music.’ Recently she didn’t mention him at all.” Perry is back in the lab, writing new songs and probably texting Taylor Swift “OMG U WERE SO RIGHT!” Mayer is headed out on tour soon. He keeps saying he’s changed, but has he? He told NPR “I was 28 for four years. Now I just feel this capacity to love and to be happier.” Meanwhile, “Katy would eventually like to settle down again. She is worried about getting older, which sounds ridiculous considering she’s 28.” Maybe she can be 28 for four years. I wouldn’t count these two out. As soon as John can’t have Katy anymore, he’s going to want her more than anything again, and incurable romantic Katy won’t be able to help herself when he pulls a dramatic The Notebook style stunt to win her back.

Britney’s New Boyfriend: His name is David Lucado, and he’s rumored to be an employee hired by her family to mind her. The official story is that they are friends taking their relationship to the next level. “Britney and David were initially friends and slowly got to know each other. They’ve spent almost every day together.” Lucado works for a law firm, although lately he’s been spotted chaperoning Spears shopping, golfing, and eating at restaurants in the Calabasas area. It’s very unclear where he came from, or how he became (or was hired to be) Britney’s boyfriend. He’s an average-looking dude who favors baseball caps. Nice work if you can get it, I guess? Britney looks happier since splitting with Jason Trawick and The X Factor.

Bradley Cooper & Suki Waterhouse: Remember when Bradley Cooper said he wouldn’t date Jennifer Lawrence because she’s young enough to be his daughter? Well, apparently Bradley Cooper doesn’t remember because he’s now dating a 20-year-old model named Suki Waterhouse. I guess hanging out with Leonardo DiCaprio rubbed off on him. “Waterhouse recently split from musician boyfriend Miles Kane, and Cooper’s relationship with Zoe Saldana ended last year.” Cooper and Waterhouse were spotted in Boston “teasing, touching, laughing.” I’m not saying this couple was blatantly set as a PR stunt, but OK, I’m saying that. He should’ve gone with a French model since Bradley Cooper always talks about how he’s bilingual in English and French. That way the answer to the question of what the hell they talk could be like oh, of course, they speak French to each other.

Ruth Ann Steinhagen; The Sports Stalker Who Inspired The Natural Has Died: Ruth Ann Steinhagen, a 19-year-old from Chicago who nearly killed a baseball player in 1949 and helped inspire Bernard Malamud’s 1952 book The Natural and the 1984 Robert Redford movie, died at age 83.” She was a typist who became obsessed with Eddie Waitkus and attempted to murder him, leading to one of the first known stalker crimes to become publicized in the mass media. “Steinhagen had a crush on the Cubs’ Eddie Waitkus, but when he went to the Philadelphia Phillies, she lured him to a hotel room and shot him.” She had built a shrine to Waitkus in her room, clipping out every photo and article about him she could find. She lived with her parents, who said she would often set a place for Waitkus at the dinner table. She got Waitkus to meet her at a hotel room by having a note she’d written delivered to him, and he mistakenly thought she was someone he knew. In the hotel room, she said, “I have a surprise for you,” before shooting him in the chest with a .22 rifle, to which he responded, “Oh baby, what did you do that for?” She had planned to stab him to death and then shoot herself, but couldn’t find any more bullets. As Waitkus bled, she called to the lobby and told them she’d shot a man. “She was sent to a mental hospital and released after three years. She never spoke publicly of the crime and lived in obscurity until her death.”

Vanessa Hudgens: “I’m a foodie with a bottomless stomach, so I went crazy.”

People Who Write to People

“The candid celeb photos you used truly showed how excited even the biggest stars get at this awards show. This was a fantastic year in movies, and your issue captured the greatest moment’s of film’s biggest night.”

“It’s exciting to find out that Jennifer Aniston’s wedding is coming soon. Not only is she about to become a blushing bride, but also she’s getting a second chance at happily-ever-after. I wish her and her fiancé Justin Theroux nothing but the best. I have no doubt that her ceremony and her wedding dress will be gorgeous.”

“I was elated to see a photo of former Ally McBeal actress Calista Flockhart vacationing at a beach in Rio de Janeiro with her 12-year-old son Liam.”

Misc/Etc: “Girlish, smart, occasionally clueless” “I love that he coaches his 7-year-old son’s Little League team and cooks dinners at home!” “Thank you for the great cover story on Jennifer Aniston’s life and her wedding plans” “one paragraph long and only talked about their affinity for facial beards” “Gerard Butler salutes a group of sailors” “take a ride on a hobbyhorse” “Tom Brady swoops in to steal a kiss from the sleeping infant” “SWELL DUDES” “didn’t stay home nursing a broken heart” “#napoleonsyndrome” “she struts in a bodysuit” “look forward to hobnobbing with John Stamos” “They love each other. Always have and always will” “Yes, but is it bad at braking?” “I wanted it to feel organic and natural” “grunting, grasping, violent” “If you want to seduce a man, you might wear a certain dress.”

Us Weekly

PETE CAMPBELL & RORY GILMORE ARE ENGAGED: “Their Mad Men characters had an ill-fated affair. But off camera, Alexis Bledel and Vincent Kartheiser are excitedly celebrating their engagement.” Fandom mash! “They couldn’t be happier. Vincent proposed a few weeks ago. She’s been wearing her ring. It’s huge!” The pair have been together for a year, after meeting on Mad Men when she played a very stiff housewife with some serious mental health problems. She was no Gloria Trillo.

Gwyneth Paltrow: “Sometimes we’re left with that specific hunger which comes from avoiding carbs.” OH, ARE WE?

Karolina Kurkova: “I only put on makeup for date nights with my husband; I have to remind him why he loves me!” Oh, for fuck’s sake.

Steve Carell: “[My wife] forces me to watch Project Runway. I wish I could leave the room. But I am so into it. I’m weighing in, like, ‘Oh, wow, look at that hemline, right? Looks cheap.'” Shade! Now start watching RuPaul’s Drag Race.

Michelle Obama Jokes About Barack: “This is the man who still boasts about ‘this khaki pair of pants I’ve had since I was 20.’ And I’m like, ‘You don’t want to brag about that.'” Can Michelle Obama just host the Oscars next year?

Olivia Wilde on Jason Sudeikis: “I thought, he won’t be interested in me … I’m not beautiful enough.” Girl, do you have body dysmorphic disorder? Because, girl …

Joshua Jackson & Diane Kruger: He doesn’t approve of her desire to catch up on Dawson’s Creek. “He doesn’t want me to watch. He grew up in front of the camera with pimples and bloatiness.” Maybe so, but Team Pacey never seemed to care.

Misc/Etc: “We didn’t want anything ‘too baby’ so we kept it modern” “(which Molly hung!)” “It’s going to be a cool experience!” “Crikey, no more pigtails!” “Sour Patch Kids are my weakness!” “I love hip-hop, but I’m also a big Coldplay fan” “I’m shy!” “He’s always a mess!” “I love the coconut flavor” “I have a big rack” “my friends are basically laughing at me telling me that there’s going to be poop everywhere.” “it was sort of a three-person scene” “I love that you’re my little TV ho!” “Madge with a badge!” “Spidey shleps!” “They’re not broken up yet, but they’re fighting” “They smothered each other” “She told a friend the wedding will happen” “it was a meaningless thing other than the physical aspect” “I love this woman!”

 

Star

Anne Hathaway & Osama bin Laden: “It’s not every celebrity that can say they’re more despised than Osama Bin Laden. Yet a Google search for ‘Anne Hathaway’ and ‘hate&#8217 yields a staggering 31 million hits — while a similar search about the terrorist mastermind results in only 21 million.”

Kim Kardashian: “Pregnancy isn’t coming between Kim Kardashian and her obsession with cosmetic surgery — even though doctors and her baby daddy Kanye West are worried for her unborn child. Kim is totally addicted to treatments and injections. She had no idea being pregnant would take such a toll on her body. So, since she can’t stop her figure from expanding, she’s focusing on her face and has become more obsessive than ever.” Recent photos show her with a “suspiciously plump pout” that could only have come from lip injections. Doctors advise against fillers and Botox during pregnancy, Botox in particular is “a big no-no because you don’t want any potential transfer to the baby.” But the baby will look so young! “Kim’s image remains her priority. She is terrified of not being pretty — it is literally her worst nightmare. Kim thinks there is no harm in continuing her normal routine.”

Angelina Jolie Forces Her Kids to Speak French: “Since setting up residence in France, Angelina Jolie is obsessed with making sure her brood speak en Francais, or else! Eyewitnesses spotted Angie giving Pax, 9, and Zahara, 7, a stern language lesson.” Vraiiiiiiii. “If they asked Angelina a question in English, she would just turn her back and walk away. Only when they spoke in French would she respond. It was like she was training dogs or something — it was a bit extreme.” Those kids are gonna be such fun teenagers.

Blake Shelton Cheating on Miranda Lambert? “He’s charmed millions as the good-guy coach on The Voice, but Blake Shelton isn’t as loyal as he may seem on TV. Amid rampant speculation that he’s been carrying on an affair with budding singer Cady Groves for almost two years — practically the entire length of his marriage to country singer Miranda Lambert — Blake, 36, has tirelessly done damage control, even joking about the reports on Twitter.” Acknowledging the rumors is never a good look, Blake. It just makes you come off as defensive and the rumors seem more true. “Miranda is monitoring his phone and has threatened divorce [if] any suspicious calls or texts come through.” That’s paranoid but not quite paranoid enough, since he could easily have a burner just for his goomahs. “She may be right not to trust him: Star has learned that Blake has been seeing multiple women throughout the seven years he’s been with Miranda!” Oh, Blake … we were all rooting for you. “While Miranda, 29, claims she believes that Blake and Cady, 23, never slept together — despite their overtly flirty Twitter relationship — sources tell Star that the pair did indeed have an affair that spanned years.” Noooooooo. “They’ve been sneaking around, hooking up whenever they could get away with [it]. She’s crazy about him and hoped he would leave Miranda. But when Miranda caught on recently, Cady got dumped. Sources say a scorned Cady is out for revenge. Blake has always gotten away with his cheating, but he’s played with Cady’s heart for too long. If she goes public with her story, it’s going to end his marriage.” Miranda Lambert chooses to stay in denial, with “her head buried in the sand.” Unfortunately, Cady is just one of a number of women Blake has stepped out on her with. The “Sure Be Cool If You Did” crooner tends to drink a lot on tour, and when he gets drunk he tends to flirt, and flirting leads to, well, you know. One fan who hooked up with Shelton in ’07 said “We all went back to their buses. Blake grabbed me and started kissing me. He was a sloppy kisser, so I pushed him away. I didn’t even know he had a girlfriend!” He was seen sucking face with a different woman outside a Las Vegas bar in ’09, “then leading her back onto the tour bus. It seems the old take-‘em-back-to-the-tour-bus strategy has been his M.O. for years.” Him and every other rock star on the planet, since time began. Another fling of her time on Blake’s bus: “He told me I reminded him of Miranda. We had drinks together and then went back to his bed on the bus. We had sex all night. I’d like to say it was great, but we were both pretty drunk. I told him I couldn’t believe he was doing this to Miranda, and he said, ‘You’re doing it too!'” Smooth line, Blake. You’re a real Don Draper. Blake and Miranda’s second wedding anniversary is coming up in May, assuming they make it that far.

Dick Clark, Frat Guy: “Bros forever! In his will, Clark left $1 million to the Delta Kappa Epsilon Foundation.”

Misc/Etc: “She keeps trawling the internet looking for answers” “kitty is quite the contortionist” “her simpering, unfunny turn” “handknit by Peruvian artisans” “rehearsed, pretentious, and irritating” “vanishing like Brigitte Bardot” “she’s losing the Hollywood popularity contest” “her air of saccharine smugness and transparent self-congratulation” “stop that irritating fawning and gushing stuff” “braying into her phone about how drunk she got at a party” “Lena Dunham’s laundry-loving dog Lamby” “He’s still a little taken aback by how voraciously she’s spending” “I look like a man” “Rich Pets of Instagram!” “ageless abs” “I don’t love L.A. to be honest” “fighting back rumors of a breakup” “thoroughbreds both equine and human” “Tom Hardy or that adorable puppy?” “set high school hearts aflutter in the 90s”

 

OK!

Miley Cyrus & Liam Hemsworth: Although the young engaged couple are currently split up, Miley has her fingers crossed they’ll still reconcile. Cyrus “begged him to give their relationship another chance during international phone calls next week.” Girl if he’s cheating before you’re even married, it might be best to let it go. “There are genuine feelings here and neither wants to walk away, which is why Miley’s still hoping he’ll take her back. She’s been leaving him messages begging him to take her back or at the very least talk to her.” After Liam was spotted leaving an Oscar party with January Jones, “Miley was horrified. It brought out all her trust issues with Liam.” Nonetheless, “there’s hope they may get back together because let’s face it, they have split up before, and they really do love each other.” OK.

Jessica Simpson’s Second Pregnancy: “I’m exhausted, eating Tums. That’s my snack of choice.”

Taylor Swift Throws Out Her Fan Mail: “BUT A WOMAN RESCUES LETTERS FROM THE GARBAGE, RETURNS THEM TO THE SINGER” OH, GOOD I’M SURE SHE’LL BE SO HAPPY ABOUT THAT. “Local resident Kylee Francescan used a Nashville recycling dumpster recently” where “she discovered hundreds of letters addressed to Taylor Swift.” Kylee said, “It just really bothered me, because I know how much her fans mean to her.” She delivered the mail to a TV station, who publicized the story and got in touch with Taylor’s reps who sensed a hatchet job in the making, claimed it had been a mistake, and came to pick up the fan mail.

What Does Jennifer Love Hewitt Want? She made her debut “at the age of 3 — singing ‘The Greatest Love of All’ at a livestock show.” She says “I have so much I would like to accomplish. I would like to direct a romantic comedy feature. I have a ton of ideas for projects I want to produce. And I’d like to learn to skateboard.” Of her character on The Client List she says, “Her heart is always in the right place, even if sometimes her body isn’t.” The nature of the show has forced her to become “very comfortable with my body.” Do you think John Mayer still has her number in his phone? Her body is still a wonderland. Of aging, she says “I don’t have a problem with it.” Her biggest vice is ice cream, and she escaped the “child star curse” by having “an amazing family that kept me down to earth. A diva attitude would not have been tolerated. They also really instilled in me that everyone is equal and that you should treat everyone with kindness and respect. I also have a really strong work ethic and am a bit of a perfectionist.” Her dark secret is that among friends, she “has been known to tell some pretty dirty jokes.” We love you, Jennifer Love Hewitt; Heartbreakers is a very underrated movie!

Tiger Woods & Lindsey Vonn: “Tiger Woods, 37, and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn, 28, spent a week together aboard his luxury yacht, Privacy.” LOL.

Jenny McCarthy: “I intimidate men because I have a strong personality.”

Jessica Alba Is a Cheap Date: For her first date with her now husband Cash Warren, they “took a bike ride” and “stopped for licorice at a 7-11 store.” That is honestly the most/only romantic thing I have ever read in one of these magazines.

Misc/Etc: “WELL DUNST!” “Look what Lammy got us! Our baby boxer” “If Matt doesn’t go, we won’t go” “EASY, BOYS, SHE’S TAKEN” “All the tanning and the shaving” “gives a cool-dude hello” “(with wife Fergie)” “Ironic, isn’t it?” “thoughtless remarks” “She’s big into smoothies. She’s fruit-obsessed.” “She became a big name because of a small bikini” “that shit’s PLATINUM” “She feared their days were numbered” “I even get bored with my wigs!” “HIS EMOTIONS WERE ALL OVER THE PLACE” “It can be very distracting if you have a band of regrowth.”

Filed Under: Angelina Jolie, Anne Hathaway, Blake Shelton, Bradley Cooper, Britney Spears, Jennifer Love Hewitt, John Mayer, Katy Perry, Kim Kardashian, Liam Hemsworth, Miley Cyrus, Miranda Lambert, Molly's Magazines, Taylor Swift, Vincent Kartheiser

Photo on 2014-01-10 at 12.58 #3

Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

Archive @ mollylambert