Katie Holmes’s Plot to Escape Scientology … and Other Thrilling Tales From This Week’s Tabloids
Tom & Katie: “She pulled it off brilliantly. She knew how to get him.” When Holmes left on a work trip to China in June, she found out that “Tom was beginning to audit Suri behind her back.” Cruise’s rep denies it. Auditing is the Scientology practice of “asking specifically worded questions designed to find areas of emotional distress.” When Katie visited Tom on the Oblivion set in Iceland, “Tom was filming and Katie tried to discipline Suri over something. But one of Tom’s Scientology handlers stepped in and said they couldn’t let her do that, and they would have to call Tom.” Katie “snapped” and realized her 6-year-old daughter was being indoctrinated. “There’s an escalation of involvement when kids hit school age.” According to one insider, “It wasn’t so much Cruise she feared, but his inner circle and the people handling her. They were so controlling it was terrifying.” Katie was “monitored around the clock” and “felt she was being watched more than protected.” The Cruise household was staffed with Scientologists, for whom “the key factor was that they were Scientologists, not their training.” Katie’s personal mail “had to be sent to Tom’s team to open first.” The amount of “Cruise control sometimes became comical. When booking hotels, the action star would request that staff cut out magazine pictures of TomKat looking in love and put them in frames around the room.” Real or not, that detail is crazy. A rumor persists that when Cruise first visited Scientology headquarters, “workers in Sea Org — the religious order of Scientology in which members prove their devotion by signing a billion year contract” spent “48 hours planting flowers and trees, then putting ground cover down so Tom couldn’t tell it had just been put there … It looked like Candy Land. He bought it hook, line, and sinker.” David Miscavige “directed all sorts of perks for Cruise to stay in the fold.” Katie bonded with Nicole Kidman, who “knows what it’s like in that freaky house.” Katie may go back to Ohio. ”She can move on and finally live her life.”
Taylor Swift & Patrick Schwarzenegger: “Sparks flew July 4th” between the blonde country chanteuse and the junior Governator as they spent the day at “the Kennedy compound in Hyannis Port, Massachusetts.” Patrick was “being flirty with her” as they played capture the flag in a group. “He kept kicking sand at Taylor.” Nothing says young love like sand in your eyes. “Later, when the sun went down and the revelers lit a bonfire, the duo heated up,” eating dinner together. “They were talking and watching the ocean. It looked romantic!” She is “open to spending more time with the storied clan. She’s an obsessed Kennedy fan!” who collects JFK memorabilia. Taylor Swift is going to be a Kennedy if it kills her.
Thomas Jane: “I’ve stopped wearing shoes. They’re prison for my feet.”
Joe Manganiello: “Someone said ‘Hey Joe, this is Teen Wolf!’ I said, ‘Hey, man, I’m thirtysomething wolf.” Naw, man, you’re Big Dick Werewolf Richie.
Charlie Sheen: Sheen “claims he came up with the stage name of fellow actor Winona Ryder, 46. Her real name is Winona Horowitz.” Is that why her stage name sounds kind of like a porn star’s?
Sean Penn & Petra Nemcova: The unlikely couple “are giving love another go. Sitting at a garden table with pals at L.A.’s Chateau Marmont,” the 33-year-old model “nuzzled the actor, 51,” and “couldn’t stop smiling.” They traveled to Haiti together in June to do charitable work. “She’s in love with him.” GROSS.
Justin Bieber & Selena Gomez: “Women work differently. I can’t figure it out,” said baby Bieb last fall, and it may be proving true. Justin and Selena “fight and then make up all the time.” There are “plenty of girls willing to ease his loneliness” while he tours, and their high-octane schedules keep the couple apart for weeks at a time. “Justin loves Selena, but he is starting to feel antsy. He’s in his prime and can get any girl he wants. He has definitely thought about being free.” Bieber “feels like he should be tapping all the girls who come around. It’s hard.” He tried dumping Selena once, but “Gomez wasn’t having it. She freaked out. So he apologized and got back together with her.” They remain a couple. “Justin is still crazy about her and knows how lucky he is to have her. Everything is not always perfect, but for now they are happy.”
Andrew Garfield & Robert Pattinson: “The truth is, Andrew can’t stand Rob. Andrew hates that they’re put in the same category because they’re both English and around the same age.” Spider-Man gave the cold shoulder to Edward Cullen at a producer’s wedding they both recently attended. It’s likely due to the narcissism of small differences. “Both like intense parts and go after the same roles. They’re just naturally competitive.”
Misc./Etc.: “Yellow is one of my favorite colors to wear.” “It’s the foxes and calves” “too ice princess” “Serial killers fascinate me” “Rich people who waste their lives on beaches piss me off” “I was a 6-foot teen with a perm” “She parasailed” “It’s hard to think now they were ever not a couple.” “They love being engaged.” “bad-boy rocker behavior” “a cheesy boy bander” “hammer out a deal” “Ryan Gosling buying flowers at Whole Foods” “One of her favorite things to do is put on pretend makeup.” “He may be an ass at times, but he comes through for big stuff.” “All I want to do is dip my niece in glitter.” “I’m going to stock up on guns and ammunition!” “I’m the worst bride ever” “I want to be an actress when I’m done with gymnastics” “I want to find a boyfriend who treats me like a queen!” “I’m going into a cave!”
Christina Aguilera: Her ex-boyfriend, dancer Jorge Santos, spills on their relationship 10 years ago. “She brought up marriage. For me, I was 18 and definitely not ready.” He broke up with her in 2002, suggesting that “Christina will never tolerate a man who is more successful than she is.” Diva. “I was ready to keep dancing, and I think she wanted me to just be there for her, on her path. I wanted to do more than be just Christina’s boyfriend.” Matt Rutler should thank him.
Jennifer Aniston & Justin Theroux: The couple “will do almost anything to please each other physically.” Not sexually, dummy. To their appearances! This means braids for Jen and a full body wax for Theroux, since Jen “prefers her naturally hairy man to have a smooth chest” (which is criminal, honestly). “Jen has been totally shaking things up lately — and it’s all because of Justin. He is so unconventional and really does prefer Jen with a little more edge.”
Thoughts From New Real Housewife of New York Aviva Drescher: The stay-at-home mother who “had her leg amputated at age 6 after a farm accident” weighs in. She “feared she’d never find a man,” thinking “Who’s gonna marry me?” She hopes that “by seeing me doing all these shallow activities with these very bitchy women, teenagers and children who are amputees can say, ‘Hey, I can do that too.’” Be famous for no reason except possessing wealth? She is “just not a fan of women who are mothers and over the age of 35 and partying like it’s 1995.” She calls Ramona Singer “a businesswoman, and ultimately, just another party girl.” Meow!
Bob Odenkirk on playing Breaking Bad‘s Saul: “I studied Hollywood agents. They’re chess players. They stay at arm’s length from the product, but they gain a lot from manipulating it the right way. In showbiz it’s movies, on Breaking Bad it’s meth.” Of Saul’s style he says “If a clown wore a suit, that’s what he’d wear.”
Prince William & Kate Middleton: “Barely a year after their nuptials in Westminster Abbey, royal insiders describe Prince William and his wife, Kate, not as glowing newlyweds but as a dispassionate couple stuck in the sexless rut of a decade-long relationship.” Having met while in college and stayed together ever since, William worries he “missed out on all the fun.” Kate has to put up with “long, lonely nights at their isolated country estate” while Wills tends to his military obligations. They are putting off having a child. A source says “I can only speculate that right now he’s reluctant to get tied down with a family.” Kate doesn’t want to ruin her now-famous figure. “The flight attendant’s daughter is suddenly the world’s most adored fashion icon. With a baby, the glamour would be over.” Prince Harry prods at his brother by joking that Will is now “middle-aged” while Harry romances “a string of beautiful girls,” knowing Will “must regret missing out on so much because he was tied to Kate.” Friends “feel he should have sown some wild oats before settling down. You just hope he hasn’t gotten married too young and is tempted by other women.”
Misc./Etc.: “adorable little bodyguards” “never a bride” “Are they preggers?” “gave his tush a rinse” “an angry stomp down memory lane” “channeled her inner suburban mom” “BULGING MUSCLES LOOK MANNISH” “mystical alchemy test” “Showbiz Parents Trump Talent” “OK, tiger mom!” “a seven fruit supersmoothie requiring exotic ingredients” “hysterical on her QVC appearances” “She and her husband cheat on each other” “throwing tantrums and making women cry” “fired and replaced by a younger hotter Housewife” “it’s no secret that women grow up faster than men” “handsome uberweirdo director Harmony Korine” “She was spending a lot of time with older guys” “a summer squall” “jealous of his largesse”
Jane Pitt & Angelina Jolie: Brad’s mom’s letter to The Springfield News-Leader praising Mitt Romney for his “Christian conviction concerning homosexuality” has driven a wedge between Jane Pitt and her daughter-in-law. Jane’s letter also called Obama “a liberal who supports the killing of unborn babies.” Brad thinks “his mother did this to embarrass him. It’s even more humiliating for Angelina.” Brad’s brother Doug Pitt tried smoothing things over, pointing out that “moms and dads and kids agree to disagree all over the world!”
Mindy Kaling: “I don’t care if he’s gay, I’m still gonna make a run at Anderson Cooper.”
Channing Tatum: “Sometimes a thong completely betrays you, but if everyone is dressed in a thong pretty much any conversation is going to be funny.”
Kate Beckinsale: “I don’t wear knickers. I mean, unless I’m wearing a very short skirt — or maybe if I’m going on a mountain expedition with extra layers. But no, I don’t like them.”
Misc/Etc: “Matronly hairdo” “nice abs, mom!” “I can’t get enough of this wookie!” “Adam Levine shows his fake facial hair range” “Posh hung out with a dolphin” “I OD’ed on makeup” “She finds herself attracted to older, buffer men” “Being a mom has made me so tired” “There’s something fishy going on” “Ironically, the man who won her heart was later to break hers” “I don’t think we know each other nearly enough to even be entertaining this. I don’t think we should get engaged.” “You’re the one I want to pick!” “Taylor, who claims she’s single” “She’s an actress and cabaret dancer” “The birth will surely be on camera”! “a HOOTERS waitress when she first met the baseball star” “The fast cars and mansions validated me”
Suri Cruise: “Katie’s putting on a brave face to the public, but behind closed doors she’s leaving in fear.” A source says “If the Church of Scientology thought they had to kidnap Suri to guarantee her survival, I think they’d do it.” While “Katie wants Suri to be raised Catholic, there are many Scientologists who believe Suri is some kind of ‘golden child.’” Katie may not “believe that Tom would do such a thing” but “she doesn’t trust people in the church. Suri’s safety is above everything.”
Kim Kardashian: “She’s totally addicted to being famous and can’t stand the thought of just becoming some has-been.”
Mila Kunis: “I feel like a gay man, sometimes, in a woman’s body.”
Andrew Garfield on Ryan Gosling: “That freaking dreamboat. I think about him often. I have a proper man crush.”
A 5-Year-Old Art Prodigy Speaks: “My paintings look like space and they’re not real,” she says of her work, “done in bright splashes of acrylic, with an occasional toy dinosaur, penguin, or butterfly attached.” Her inspirations are “unicorns, dragons, fairies, ponies, oceans, sand, planets and space.”
Kate Moss: “Sometimes it’s more important to be well presented than comfortable.”
James Franco: Franco will be writing a new column for Playboy called Francophile, “which will explore space, energy, and magic.” Sounds like he’ll be collaborating with that 5-year-old artist any day now.
Howie Mandel’s 4th of July party: America’s Got Talent judge Howie Mandel heard the sound of people having sex in his bathroom during an Independence Day party, and rather than knocking, called the police, thinking a sexual assault might be taking place. The cops arrived at the Calabasas home only to find two guests admitting to consensual hijinks after drinks.”
Kate Walsh: “Belize’s barrier reef is amazing. Did u know it’s the 2nd largest reef in the world?”
Carly Rae Jepsen: “Nude photos of a brunette resembling the ‘Call Me Maybe’ singer surfaced on the internet this month, causing quite a stir.” Her rep says, “This is 200 percent not Carly.” A 21-year-old model named Destiny Benedict has taken credit for modeling in the photos, saying, “Well I just want to say this Carly Rae is a beautiful girl and I’m honored to have been mistaken for her.”
Misc./Etc.: “skews too young” “It wasn’t a warm bear hug” “he thinks I’m falling in love with him!” “wearing a Sin City smile and not a whole heckuva lot else” “soccer, Spain, and scruff” “looking a tad weary” “Jess is into leather!” “far too much the gentleman to stare anywhere but into Milla’s eyes” “if they’re so comfortable with it, why am I so uncomfortable?” “stars bragging about movie sex scenes” “how to shove antibiotic pills down her throat” “cybersquatting on meatloaf.org” “My days as a bachelor are nearing an end!” “the baby already has two bikinis!”
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“ITS TIME THAT US MEN STARTED RESPECTING TO THE BASIN THAT OUR QUEENS SIT ON! LETS RAISE THE NEXT GENERATION TO HAVE BETTER AIM SO WOMEN DONT HAVE TO PEE & POOP ON OUR PEE!…and IM NOT TRYING TO POOP ON YOUR PEE EITHER! BASICALLY, TO ALL THE FRAT GUYS AND SHITTY DADS, QUIT FUCKING UP THE DEUCE SESH FOR THE REST OF US! BUMP THIS CUT IN ALL AIRPORT BATHROOMS AND FOOTBALL GAMES! FUCK A DRUNK DAD PISSING ON THE GROUND, AND A FRAT BRO TOO HAMMERED TO HANDLE HIS DANGLER! MAN UP AND LEARN DONG CONTROL!…IM OUT!!!” — Macklemore