Justin Timberlake’s “CASTRATION CELEBRATION!” … and Other Horror Stories From This Week’s Tabloids

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US
Justin Timberlake’s Bachelor Party: “Bros, brews and bow ties!” Timberlake celebrated “his final days of singledom” with all his closest dudes. “Clad in ties and fedoras, his crew of 25 pals (and his dad!) hit Las Vegas, where they tossed back drinks poolside.” Justin probably brought his dad so that we’d all know this was a clean-cut bachelor party where no hookers would end up buried in the desert by the end. “It was like Boardwalk Empire.” So it was kind of boring but looked really nice and probably cost a ton of money? “It was mellow. Intentionally so.” They jetted from Vegas to Mexico where they played beach volleyball in T-shirts that said “CASTRATION CELEBRATION!” Sigh … “He didn’t want to get in any trouble. Jessica’s brother was with them!” Could this be a decoy bachelor party meant to distract from the real bachelor party that will take place soon in a sex dungeon in Amsterdam?

Mitt Romney on Snooki: “I’m kind of a Snooki fan. Look how tiny she’s gotten. She’s lost weight. She’s energetic. Just her spark-plug personality is kind of fun.” She’s voting for Obama.

Paris Hilton Is Awful: She was taped by her cabbie talking about gay men. “They’re disgusting. Most of them probably have AIDS.” In case you still had any lingering affection for Paris.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Kids:
“I only let them watch TV in Spanish or French.” OF COURSE YOU DO.

Justin Bieber Knows Women: “I don’t think I’ll ever stop learning about girls. You never know whether they’re going to be happy or sad, do you? You kind of have to hope that they’re going to be in a good mood.” I feel the same way about Justin Bieber.

Maya Rudolph’s Minivan: “No one mentioned the fact that it’s a party bus.” I love you, Maya Rudolph.

Misc/Etc: “FIANCÉ FOR HIRE” “For the boys!” “seduction, scheming, sabotage” “It’s totally spun for publicity” “in case I get too sweaty” “I can grill anything” “It’s very sexy!” “I make her look better by looking insane!” “Get low!” “Nick Kroll eats a Fatburger” “It’s all basically for TV” “I can make beef Stroganoff if forced” “They were clapping and praying.” “Men are idiots.” “I have a fear of things coming out.” “They took the same flight to L.A. and ignored each other.” “sporting socks with sandals” “fake their engagement” “making out in a supermarket aisle” “I never would have texted you” “a self-proclaimed pro at covering up his true locations with tweets” “She doesn’t want to be the girl who has been engaged three times but it has never worked out.” “He’s outgoing, confident, and smooth.” “You’re full of self-loathing.” “Xanax was passed around like candy.”

Star

Tom Cruise Leaving Scientology? Since his divorce, Cruise “has lost his swagger,” not to mention plenty of weight. “Tom, 50, is starting to realize the role his faith has played in his love life. And after suffering through this most recent and particularly painful divorce, the superstar may be finally turning away from Scientology!” How astonishing would that be? “Tom hasn’t admitted that he’s definitely leaving Scientology for good. But he’s distanced himself from those in the church and has been hanging out with good friends who aren’t part of the religion.” Those friends are leading him away from the church. “He’s finally seeing that being such an advocate for Scientology hasn’t served him as well as he’d hoped — he’s gone through three divorces and his public perception has sunk to an all-time low.” An ex-member of the church chimes in. “He’s associated with a cult, and it’s hurting his reputation.”

Cruise reportedly distanced himself once before, after his divorce from Nicole Kidman, but David Miscavige worked to bring him back into the fold. But Miscavige “is just using Tom for publicity” and “would not hesitate to throw Tom under a bus were he to break free.” But if he did break free, life would be less hellish than for most ex-Scientologists. “There will not be the same consequences for him as there are for normal people who leave Scientology. He will not be clobbered and spit on and attacked.” A Paramount exec thinks Tom has to decide soon. “I have never known anyone who loved being a movie star more than Tom. I would tell him to choose. You either have to be at the top of Scientology or you have to be a movie star. The two are not compatible. You can’t manage a movie career and a freak show.” Tom’s hatred of being alone may impact his decision. “He goes nuts if there’s not someone else around him.” How about you shake off those thetans and see if Paul Thomas Anderson will put you in a great movie again?

Justin Bieber Goes Vegan: “Hell hath no fury like a pop star without protein!” Usher convinced the baby Bieb to go vegan. “His mood took a major nose dive — he was such a brat. Soon everyone was begging him to just eat a steak!” Or at least a Bieburger. “Justin ordered a tofu steak and tempeh tacos from Real Food Daily in L.A. and was really grossed out. He made a big show of spitting out the food and making gagging noises.” Selena Gomez was embarrassed to realize her boyfriend is 5 years old. “She had encouraged the health kick but told him to drop it. She said that being vegan turned Justin into a jerk.” Swaggy.

Robert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart: “Rob couldn’t believe that Kristen was telling everyone that he’s bad in bed. Not only did she cheat on him, she humiliated him.” I guess it could be worse. It’s not like she said he was bad at acting.

Seth MacFarlane & Emilia Clarke: They’ve been dating since JULY, you guys. How did we all not notice this? “They were all over each other.” Stephen Fry tweeted that he saw the couple sing at a jazz club in London. So in case you were wondering what these two people could possibly have in common besides both being on television, it seems they share a corny love of standards. Now try not to think about Seth MacFarlane saying “Khaleesi” in the Stewie voice during sex.

Jennifer Lopez & Casper Smart: “He thinks that offering to have a baby with Jennifer will show her he’s serious about a future with her, as she has actually questioned if he is indeed gay.” Patti Stanger, possibly right for once in her millionaire-matchmaking life, says, “DUMP THE GUY!”

Steven Seagal vs. JCVD: Van Damme says of Seagal, “Everyone is talking about how big he’s gotten. I’m trying to talk to him, because if this guy could get back into shape he would be great!” Seagal supposedly turned down Expendables 2 because he hates Van Damme, but Van Damme thinks Steven was just “too self-conscious about his flabby form.” Seagal “dismisses JCVD’s criticism with a wave of his meaty hand” saying, “Van Damme can say whatever he wants.”

Misc/Etc: “Steve Buscemi hoarding treats at the dessert table” “used two crustaceans to make a point” “While mommy’s away, the boys will play!” “sitting on a golden throne and wearing nothing but a glittering jersey” “flashing your fanny on national TV is a DON’T!” “bored and bedraggled — a look New Yorkers know all too well” “Maybe it’s performance art?” “Models are supposed to be pretty, not sane” “Pro football is hard enough without the distractions of a celebrity partner.” “her ego is so bruised” “quit being boy crazy and put her career first” “with a double chin and thick thighs” “What young lady doesn’t dream of being 52 and alone with a closet full of identical black t-shirts?” “They feel like they’re being replaced by a younger actress.”

InTouch

Blake Shelton: “Even in the middle of summer, I have a Merry Christmas album crankin’.” He states, “I’m from Oklahoma: We love to hunt and fish and drink beer with friends and burn stuff in the yard.” How does his wife Miranda Lambert handle his flirting with contestants on The Voice? “She’s a flirt, too, but she doesn’t take me seriously — she knows I’m full of crap.” Perhaps literally? “The first time I watched Honey Boo Boo, it gave me runny doo doo.” The last person he said “I love you” to is Jimmy Fallon, after beating him at “beer-cooler races on his show.”

January Jones: “I lean towards the avant-garde.”

Karl Lagerfeld’s Favorite Middleton: Pippa? Kate? Neither. He likes their mother Carole, 57. “Carole is very sexy, sexier than the daughters. For a woman who must be 50 or so, I think she’s great. Full of energy!”

Zac Efron: “Working out is my biggest hobby. It’s my Zen hour.”

Jude Law: “It appears he has undergone hair replacement surgery.” Hate to say this, but about damn time. After bombing in Hamlet, it’s clear Jude Law mostly leans on his looks.

Misc/Etc: “She likes to cook. I like to bake.” “I’m happy with my weight and I’m not going to kill myself for it!” “I just never thought it would happen to me.” “Dress classy, dance cheesy!” “Hey, it beats the Titanic!” “Nice to be you — I mean see you!” “wake up and swim in the ocean, guy” “shuts down when he’s mad and flees to his loft” “He can only have so many conversations about ovulating.” “disc-dancing polar bear” “acted like the happiest couple on earth” “They really, really, like all the fame.” “expose her alleged past as a stripper” “She’s so fake. She’s the devil.” “They started making out!” “Chest in show!” “Wow, I’m engaged!” “I want my boobs out.” “I want something sexy with a princess feel.” “I want to rage for four days.”

OK!

Kim Kardashian & Kanye: “Kanye puts Kim on a pedestal. He only criticizes her constructively.” Is that why he threw out her wardrobe and told her she wasn’t allowed to wear supportive bras anymore so that she might better match his adult magazine from the ’80s fantasy? “If anything, Kim has realized what a stabilizing force Kanye is in her life. It reassures her about what a stable father he would be to a child.” Yes, “stable” is a word that really describes Kanye. Kim, too, actually. Super stable, those two people.

Misc/Etc: “Conservative yet fun” “actually really laid-back and drama-free” “You guys were very funky.” “Who doesn’t want to see other people’s junk?” “It’s naughty, but it’s hard not to” “watching trashy TV and eating a frozen pizza” “They all celebrated with a ginger ale toast.” “the couple canoodled” “Baring her breasts to the world” “a rogue gust of wind” “It’s pristine and old-fashioned, as if from another time.” “a trip to the California desert” “It did affect him deeply that she would do something so permanent in his honor.” “She fell into the wrong crowd and it was all downhill.” “He always wanted her to write poetry from him, but she never made the effort.”

Filed Under: Blake Shelton, Gwyneth Paltrow, January Jones, Jennifer Lopez, Jude Law, Justin Bieber, Justin Timberlake, Kanye West, Kim Kardashian, Kristen Stewart, Molly's Magazines, Ok!, Paris Hilton, Robert Pattinson, Seth Macfarlane, Snooki, Star, Tabloids, Tom Cruise, Us Weekly, Usher, Zac Efron

Photo on 2014-01-10 at 12.58 #3

Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

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