Justin Timberlake Is NOT Cheating on Jessica Biel With His Cousin … and Other Close Calls From This Week's Tabloids
Is Justin Timberlake Cheating on His Wife? The rumors started “when Justin Timberlake left a party at Philadephia’s Sigma Sound Studios with a beautiful blonde close behind.” Has his commitment to monogamy already gone bye bye bye? Nah, it’s his cousin. “Should I just go ahead and change my name to mystery blonde?” tweeted the blonde, Caitlynn Timberlake. “The party gossip, however, has affected Justin’s wife. It’s no lie that Jessica is getting sick of all these rumors about her new husband. It’s even more annoying because the truth is they’re very much in love and are talking about starting a family next year. So for him to be linked to a woman who happens to be in the same picture is starting to wear a bit thin.” Well, don’t hold hands with any mystery blondes in front of photographers, Justinnnnn.
Creepy Jen Aniston Pregnancy Fanfic: “The dream is twins. She can’t wait to look into their eyes and see Justin staring back.” Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!
Vanessa Hudgens to Play a Stripper: In a new thriller called The Frozen Ground. “I got to go to a strip club and talk to a bunch of strippers. One of them was like, ‘My daughter loves you! She loves High School Musical.” Spring breaaaaaaaaak.
Misc/Etc: “Why the wedding fake-out?” “and amazing plateau like area” “for the light perfume smell” “an unofficial sommelier” “WHY NOT IN ROMANTIC FRANCE?” “does nothing for her figure” “Please Dad, no fumbles” “loud but very good looking!” “she looked effortlessly beautiful as she walked through the cobblestone streets” “Their bodies, their rights” “She called him her boyfriend.” “She’s threatened to trash him all over Hollywood if he dumps her.” “She’s exhausted and her insecurities are growing” “Little girls especially unlock something in your heart” “but nothing can stop the circus”
The Bachelor’s Gia Allemand’s Suicide: “How could a woman who seemed to have it all — beauty, fame, a loving family — take her own life?” Allemand “hid her pain behind a picture-perfect smile” and “kept a lot of her feelings bottled up.” Her relationship with NBA player Ryan Anderson was on the way out. “The two fought constantly, says a source, and had even argued the day he found her body” hanging from a metal staircase. Gia, 29, “was miserable that another relationship went wrong. All she really wanted was to be married, with a family.” She and Anderson lived in New Orleans, where he played for the New Orleans Pelicans, but he “refused to put a ring on her finger.” His excuse? Being 25. “Ryan is young. He wasn’t ready to commit. Gia wanted a future.” She was “lonely” when he was playing away games. “She expected to get” her fairy-tale ending “with Ryan — soon. But Anderson thought otherwise, which led to tear-filled arguments. He started breakup talks. They were fighting a lot.” While Ryan was in Vegas on a solo trip he lied and told her he was going to bed, only to be pictured “in a club, popping a bottle” on Instagram. She “bailed on attending a friend’s wedding” in Chicago, because “watching pals tie the knot was a particular sore spot for Allemand. All her friends were getting married. She wondered when it would happen for her.” Although she told friends she was contemplating a move to New York, it never materialized. She “didn’t want to burden others with her issues.” The bikini model was “a very insecure person” in high school who was “sweet, but she never thought highly of herself.” Two boob jobs later, she was appearing in Maxim. But a string of romances with athletes made her jaded about the prospect of lasting love. “She gave up so much for all of her relationships.” She always “wanted to be the best girlfriend ever,” but couldn’t seem to lock down a husband. “Gia felt like she was failing at the one area in her life that she really wanted to succeed in.” Anderson is “so devastated, he can’t stop crying long enough to speak.” He feels responsible for the tragedy, and like it could have been prevented. Former Bachelor star Melissa Rycroft says, “I think we all thought we knew her. I think people saw her life was going well. But nobody may ever know what was really going on deep inside of her. It’s so sad.”
Jennifer Lawrence Hates Goat Cheese: “I have the taste buds of a 5-year-old.”
Cedric the Entertainer: “I own more than 200 hats.”
Tyra Banks: “I’m all about smoky ‘smize.’” But also: “I’m an allergy medicine whore.”
Kyra Sedgwick on Married Sex: “It’s not always hot … Sometimes it’s just getting it done once a week, whether we need it or not.”
Michelle Obama: “I want to be this really fly 80-, 90-year-old.”
Ethan Hawke on Dating: “I’d meet somebody … They’d [say], ‘This is exactly like Before Sunrise.’ And I’d have to … leave.”
Harrison Ford Hates Technology: “I don’t need it, I don’t want it, and I’m stuck with it.” You and everyone else, Indy.
Harry Styles on His Inevitable Taylor Swifting in Song: “I can’t say I’d have dated someone less famous to avoid it. At least she’s a great songwriter!” Is that reverse shade? What’s that called? Sun?
Drew Barrymore Wants Another Kid: “Maybe two kids so they can run around life together, roll their eyes at their parents together like Rusty and Audrey Griswold.”
Misc/Etc: “The playful bustier!” “they had unprotected sex a year later” “I’m like a Chihuahua, shaking and peeing!” “Can I touch one? You don’t want both? You just want one?” “They’ve made it OK for me to look at my own children occasionally with disgust” “It’s no fluke that we’re having fun” “Michelle Obama keeps making me take selfies” “Anti facelift” “What, no scrunchie?” “Every impulse he has is so hilarious!” “It baffles me that we fill stadiums” “Always up for a 2 a.m. ice cream run!”
Jennifer Garner Tells Ben Affleck It’s His Turn to Parent More: “Jennifer Garner wants husband Ben Affleck to trade the director’s chair for the high chair.” Garner is “eager to get back to work while Ben tends to the couple’s three children.” Good for her. “Jen has played homemaker while Ben has been the toast of the town.” This has left Jennifer proud, but “with mixed feelings” about her own career. Jen “used to have a red-hot career and she wants it back.” Now that the couple is done having children, she’s told Ben it’s his turn to put in some serious work at home. She told a reporter, “The past few years have been about my family. But now I feel my turn is around the corner. I don’t know what it’s going to be, but I’m ready for it!”
Katherine Heigl’s Money Issues: She fell off the A-list as quickly as she was put on it after Grey’s Anatomy and Knocked Up. “Since her husband Josh Kelley is a struggling musician, he hasn’t brought in much money over the past few years. So she’s stuck holding down the fort.” The reason she doesn’t get hired? Heigl’s “notoriously bad attitude” is holding her back. “No one wants to deal with her drama.” So she’s “taking whatever she can get, including commercial gigs — most recently for Vicks ZzzQuil sleep-aid.” With two daughters, Heigl “is very anxious about her financial future since her last few films have flopped.”
Whoopi Goldberg: “I’m fat and I love it!” Whoopi, I love you! “Screw those skinny bitches! I’m old, happy and will eat whatever I want.” YEAH!
Kristen Wiig Bummed About Fabrizio Moretti: The couple broke up in July “after dating for more than a year and a half” and “the former SNL funnywoman was left devastated — and is now without her favorite drinking buddy. She’s at a loss for what to do. She’s become very withdrawn. Everyone’s really worried about her.” The 40-year-old actress and her 33-year-old ex-beau were “party buddies, and that was their undoing. They would hit all the dive bars in L.A. and the loft parties in New York City.” Done with SNL, she has lots of free time to wonder what went wrong.
Khloe & Lamar Still on the Rocks: Even though Kris Jenner keeps reassuring the press everything is fine, she is lying. “Publicly she is acting like nothing is wrong, but privately Khloe is completely freaking out.” Lamar and Khloe haven’t lived together in months, and have no plans to reunite. “Khloe is making herself insane by trying to control Lamar. It’s just a matter of time before their marriage explodes.”
Jessica Simpson: “The former sex symbol feels overwhelmed, exhausted and paranoid as she battles to lose the baby weight” while “hovering at an unhealthy 178 lbs.” Who exactly decides what’s unhealthy? Let her chill, she just gave birth. Simpson, “the onetime owner of a Barbie-esque figure fears her surplus size could do irreparable damage to her career and send her fiance, retired football player Eric Johnson, 33, off to slimmer pastures.” UGH, SHUT UP. “Jess is embarrassed to be naked in front of Eric, so she only changes in the bathroom with the door shut and locked. The Jess Eric first met walked around naked all the time.” SHUT UP.
Misc/Etc: “I hate fake media friends” “a little bit of a rascal” “caught on a secret audio tape calling her a ‘fucking whore’ and threatening to ‘beat her ass’” “She stank. It was especially noticeable during the yoga classes.” “Maybe it’s time to move to Europe!” “He thinks that backpack is cool and looks really good on him.” “Since she is lactose intolerant and has talked about it in the past, this would have made her a laughingstock yet again.” “the diva apparently changed her mind” “Last Yizzle” “Sun’s Out, Guns Out!” “a comedian turned way-too-serious actor” “He was flirting with every other woman in the place, while she was left on her own.”
Mischa Barton Shut Down a Reunion of The O.C.: ”Never say never, but I think things have to feel right. And it doesn’t feel right.” WHATEVER, MARISSA IS DEAD.
Years Since Oprah Winfrey Last Smoked Pot: Thirty-one years. Although we all needed a joint or 15 after her interview with Lindsay Lohan.
Britney Is Cheap and We Love It: “Britney Spears may be a multimillionaire, but she’s a bargain shopper at heart.” ME TOO, BRIT BRIT. “New legal documents detail how the ‘Lucky’ singer, 31, spent half of the $14 million she earned last year — much of it at discount 99-cent stores and fast-food chains like McDonald’s and Subway. One of the mom of two’s big splurges? Shelling out $3,400 on Christmas lights!” That is my kind of lady. Cheap for life!
Justin Bieber Wants a Wife and Kids: “I can’t wait to have a beautiful wife and little kids running around.” How many kids? “We’re going to wait and see as to when and how many! Those things are in God’s hands, not mine.” Also, “It’s fun to be young, fall in love, and be in love.” This is about Selena Gomez, huh? How does he chill out? “I work out, listen to and make music, hang out with my friends and sleeeeeep.” Beeeeeeep. His favorite go-to karaoke song is “Lose Yourself.” His favorite movie is Step Brothers and his celebrity crush is “Betty White.” LOL JB, u troll.
New Princess Di Conspiracy: “British police are examining new information claiming that Princess Diana and Dodi Fayed, who were killed in a 1997 car crash in Paris, were actually murdered by a member of the British military.”
Mick Jagger Sees the Harry Styles Comparisons: “I watched a concert of One Direction on the TV — it reminded me very much of our early concerts.” Because you dance like goofballs? “They want me to come and jam with them. I said, ‘Yeah, I’ll come and play with you anytime!’” Oh man, please invite me to THAT party.
Leo DiCaprio & Bradley Cooper Love Man Buns: They “both rock topknots!” On a “recent vacation together in Belize (along with their model girlfriends), the actors both wore their hair in sumo-style chonmage buns.” I miss Leo’s headbands.
Misc/Etc: “I don’t think she’s a criminal mastermind.” “stop trying to show the average woman how much you’re like her” “You can’t really know a man until you walk a mile in his scrotum.” “Secret lovers!” “My butt cheeks are killing me” “Maybe he should have stayed home with the baby!” “Take that, Tom Cruise!” “Look out world, Kylie Jenner is a licensed driver!” “FANDOM MENACE” “It’s raining dogs and dogs!” “Lindsay Lohan smokes a cigarette and brushes her teeth at the same time” “atop a chopper” “She wanted to be married” “let the stress drift away as she floated in the warm blue waters” “Eventually, sex would be a nice release” “Now that she has a killer bod, can someone to share it with be far behind?” “MOMMY MAKEUNDER!” “It’s clear she would have fallen for anyone”