Just a Little Logical Speculation About Ja Rule’s Upcoming Microwave Cookbook

There was no way to predict that 2013 would be the year that my strongest beat was “rapper cookbooks.” But here we are.

Just over a month ago, in sync with the release of his album B.O.A.T.S. 2: ME Time, 2 Chainz released a cookbook. The product was released digitally with the purchase of the album, with a select few “must be Illuminati” members receiving actual hard copies.

And now, this week, news of another cookbook. But from a different rapper, with a different angle. If your guess was Chingy, I’m sorry, but you are wrong. His name is Ja Rule. And if you’re like me, wondering where he has been, the answer is whipping up his own cookbook.

And yes, it is a cookbook inspired by his days in prison.

And yes, it is a cookbook featuring only microwavable dishes.

That’s all the information we have right now, but is there really anything else you need? It’s like the movie trailer that’s so good you almost want to skip the film.

While the future of this cookbook is still vague and a lot of questions have yet to be answered (what will the packaging be like? What font will he use? Will the whole thing be written on a roll of toilet paper?), it’s always fun to speculate some directions for a future project to take.

For instance, he could go by the 2 Chainz model and have normal dish recipes, but throw a little personal flair into the instructions. For example:

Penne Vetti Vicci

  1. Pour penne pasta into microwavable bowl.
  2. Go to sink, slowly add water while singing the hook to “Rainy Dayz.”
  3. Place bowl in microwave, set to 4:45. Before pushing start, put on a skull cap with the eye-holes cut out and cue up “Race Against Time” from Venni Vetti Vicci.
  4. Push start and play at the same time. Carry yourself in a gully manner throughout kitchen.
  5. When song and microwave conclude simultaneously, cease the goonery and taste a piece of pasta. If it’s ready, take out of microwave. If not, place in microwave and heat up for the duration of the Ja Rule verse in “New York.”
  6. Take pasta out of microwave. Pour into strainer. Take hot excess liquid and pour over photo of a younger, irresponsible, oft-violent Ja Rule, a man we hope is no longer with us.
  7. Add olive oil and butter and salt and (optional) ranch dressing to pasta.
  8. Find a plastic spoon and eat while watching Exit Wounds.

 
Or it may not be like that at all.

Either way, get very excited about this. He did, after all, tell TMZ “In jail, they’re pretty crafty. We made lasagna, we made cheesecakes, we had lots of things. I really didn’t eat prison food.” So expect creativity and culinary wizardry.

As someone who’s not the most savvy with the pots and pans and spatulas, the prison-inspired microwavable cookbook could be a major force in my quest for adulthood.

And most importantly, be happy that Ja is back. And just in time for the debut of my new Thanksgiving dish, “Rule 3:36 — Corn Dogs.”

Or was it “Blood (Sausage) in My Eye”?

OR WAS IT “ALWAYS ON THYME”?

Bye.

Filed Under: 2 Chainz

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Rembert Browne is a staff writer for Grantland.

Archive @ rembert

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