Johnny Depp’s Broken Heart … and Other Sob Stories From This Week’s Tabloids

Us

Johnny Depp’s Broken Heart: “On a recent night at West Hollywood’s Sunset Tower Hotel, Depp was uncharacteristically quiet and alone. Johnny looked forlorn. He sat at the bar, nursing his drink, listening to the piano player. He seemed to be lost in his thoughts.” His split from Vanessa Paradis was just made official and he has subsequently “turned to women for comfort.” His life in the French countryside with partner Paradis was “idyllic” for years. “Johnny would walk to the local cafe, sip an espresso with the men of the village and stroll home. That was his dream.” But Paradis found it stifling. “She would always complain that she was bored. She said she felt like an old woman who had given up on life and constantly told him she wanted to live in L.A.” While she encouraged him to take the role of Jack Sparrow, she became “resentful” of his long shoots on location. “Vanessa started to feel like she’d sacrificed her career for his.” Depp “started to drink heavily.” He disappeared constantly to London and New York “rather than be in a dark and brooding mood around the kids. He wouldn’t contact Vanessa because he knew she’d give him hell.” After the split, Depp started hanging out a lot with Marilyn Manson. He started sleeping with Amber Heard, his co-star in The Rum Diary, despite the fact that she has a serious girlfriend. They bonded over a shared love of Hunter S. Thompson. Paradis responded to Depp’s infidelity by screaming, “If I see her, I’ll drown her!”

Matthew McConaughey’s Proposal: “The first words out of her mouth were not ‘Yes.’ But I did say, ‘Look, I’m down on a knee. I’ll stay here a while. I will outlast you.’”

Denise Richards: “I’d rather Charlie Sheen want to sleep with me than chop my head off!” Her publicist wants her to “go out with a teacher.”

John Mayer and Jennifer Lawrence at Medieval Times: Your body is The Hunger Games. “Mayer held court with Jennifer Lawrence during an outing to the L.A. theme restaurant.” Can I have your skin? “They were playful and nudging shoulders.” The single Mayer “kept telling the waitress to get her more beers as a joke, implying that he wanted to get her drunk. She laughed about it.” Her boyfriend of two years, Nicholas Hoult, “trusts Jennifer. She gets hit on all the time because they are separated a lot, but they’re still in love.”

Gayle King: “I changed my name from Gail to Gayle in seventh grade because I liked to make a loopy y.”

Salma Hayek Hates Exercise: “It’s tiring, boring, and you have to smell everybody else’s sweat.”

Girls Gone Grunge! A photo spread of young female celebs wearing flannel. “Plaid-clad celebrities resurrect ’90s fashion nirvana.” Sample caption: “Emma Roberts looked ready to mosh.” Over-bored and self-assured?

Tina Fey: “Saw her honeymoon go up in flames when her cruise ship caught fire.”

Joan Rivers Quits Botox: The 79-year-old comedian decided to stop using the injectable after “I couldn’t blow out the candles on my birthday cake.”

Misc/Etc: “it reflected the red carpet!” “In the pink!” “Pastel belles!” “Shapers slimmed her down” “I always have something on my face” “I tweet tons” “I’ll grab a stranger’s hand” “He really wants to take care of her” “fed a black rhino” “aquatic jet pack” “I’m 24, not 50!” “Slingin’ it!” “He’s like a full-grown man!” “Robert Pattinson singing as Zac Efron hit the bongos” “share breakfast and kisses” “showing off toned torsos” “in it for the long haul” “those dreams don’t include a walk down the aisle” “Absence makes the heart grow lonely” “He should be, but he’s not” “she was dying to have his child” “sucking off me for everything” “She’s very conceited” “Claire Danes moves to Caribbean soul music” “I loved the leather pants”

Star

Marilyn Manson and Avril Lavigne: Mall-goth OTP! Shippers rejoice! “Avril Lavigne, 27, and Marilyn Manson, 43, platonic friends for years, are suddenly romantic now that they’re both single. Avril has been in Paris and Marilyn is on a European tour, so whenever he has a break he flies back to Paris to be with her. They’ve been hooking up and then Skyping when they aren’t together. It’s not really serious yet, but they’ve definitely got a little love connection going on.” Sex tape please.

Jen Aniston and Justin Theroux: “[A]re loving vacation sex so much, they’re thinking about extending their trip and moving on to Hawaii next.” GET THAT DICK, JEN! The couple “stayed holed up in their suite for two days, doing nothing but making love.” In Capri they “took a private tour to the famed Blue Grotto and asked their guide to give them some private time. After Jen and Justin disappeared, the guides heard suspicious sounds.” Apparently “Jen is gushing that sex saved her relationship with Justin. It’s been a boon for them to have time for nothing but physical bonding.” I think of science when I hear “physical bonding.” GET IT.

Channing Tatum Talks Magic Mike: “We took a lot of time designing our thongs, because the thong is your armor, man. It’s your sword. Well, I guess it’s really the sheath for the sword.”

Bethenny Frankel’s Designer Imposter Bags: “Bethenny’s Hermes Birkin is from Chinatown, not France.” It seems that “Frankel’s breast implants aren’t the only fake thing about this reality star.” All of her “bags are knockoffs!” I will never understand the culture of expensive status handbags. Bethenny’s “first Birkin bag worn on Real Housewives was bought off eBay.” Scandalous! “There is a woman she uses that brings the fake Chanel, Gucci and Hermes handbags to her home. The bags are the highest-quality knockoffs from China. It’s really tough to tell the difference.” The most confusing part is that while the real bags range from 5 to 50k, the knockoffs can still cost as much as $1,500. Just get a regular cheap purse like a normal person.

Paris Hilton’s Ghost Twitter: “Her seven-million-plus followers read ‘In bed watching Family Guy. Love this show!’ the moment she was arrested for cocaine possession.”

Halle Berry’s Ex Gabriel Aubry: “The male model had been planning all along to live off Halle’s fortune, upping his demands every step of the way. He’s only 36 years old and refuses to work. He doesn’t want to be a model anymore and just plays golf all day or hangs out at the Beverly Hills Hotel pool. Her friends and family are outraged that she now has to support him.” Is Halle Berry that rich from Swordfish?

Courtney Robertson:The Bachelor‘s Courtney Robertson isn’t afraid to show some skin, but she understands that some people are. The model shows her support for children with serious and fatal skin diseases.” This is your life, Courtney Robertson.

Madonna As Ozymandias: “The Material Girl tried to exercise her way to everlasting youth, but time catches up with everyone.”

Blue Tints Do Not Make You Avant-Garde: “These guys may be talented, but are they too cool for ordinary shades?” featuring a gallery of guys in blue lenses including Bradley Cooper, Tim Burton, Johnny Depp, and Robert Downey Jr.

Drama at Dallas: Everyone hates Jesse Metcalfe. “No one can stand him! Jordana Brewster and Josh Henderson particularly dislike him.” Metcalfe is “incredibly competitive with Josh, who has emerged as the show’s breakout star. That infuriates Jesse,” who they say is “nasty, vicious and unhappy. He has a chip on his shoulder and feels so entitled, and he thinks he is better than everyone else.”

Misc/Etc: “THE GOOD, THE BAD, THE OMG” “Speedos would have been fine” “backstage lash management” “her beer pong match” “Director William Friedkin playfully tried on a Gina Gershon mustache” “gold leaf and python” “horrified at her expanding body” “A calm Alec Baldwin” “falsely out Melissa as a stripper” “these beauties were always hot” “makes guys purr” “shy, lanky, and boys hated me” “She’s an unconventional beauty who’s just Johnny’s type” “where’d she go, Ridiculously Gorgeous Girls High?” “Pretty Little Lovers” “a guy who loves some meat on your bones is a total keeper” “Face it: It’s easier when you’re young” “Tight abs and a tightwad?” “she may learn some rope tricks the hard way” “Off the clock, the spicy redhead goes sexy librarian”

In Touch

Katy Perry’s Movie Is Going to Be Sweet: “A honeymoon video it isn’t.” Katy Perry’s new concert documentary is incredibly up front about the dissolution of her marriage. “The dream of being in love is a lot different from the reality of making it work.” Perry says, “There were times when what was going on in my personal life was so overwhelming that I had to bend over to let those tears fall straight out of my eyes and not my false lashes just as I’m about to go up on that ramp and sing ‘Teenage Dream.’” Wow. The money shot in Katy Perry: Part of Me is Katy doing the aforementioned bawling her eyes out and then going onstage smiling as if nothing is wrong. “I’m just trying to keep my marriage alive,” she says at one point. Despite the breakdown of her marriage to Russell Brand, she says, “I still believe in love and marriage. I’ve just learned lessons along the way. I regret nothing.”

Dieting Ruined Anne Hathaway’s Looks: “Anne Hathaway feared she’d be a blushing bride for all the wrong reasons. On a severe fast for the film Les Misérables, she lamented that her skin was paying the price.” She broke out while “living on hummus and radishes” to play the role of Fantine. She lost weight but became “difficult to be around.” Too many radishes. “During a May dinner party at Anne and Adam’s Brooklyn N.Y. apartment, the pal says the star stared glumly at her plate while the rest of the guests feasted on risotto. She was being a downer.” But since the film wrapped, Anne has “resumed her normal vegan diet” and “can focus on an even bigger role: being the star of her wedding.”

Stars’ Plastic Surgery Regrets:

  • Heidi Montag: “Lipo gave me cellulite!” Heidi “works hard to lessen the dimpling with a strict diet and exercise regimen,” but “she’s no longer the confident beach babe she once was.” She says, “I’m so insecure about my legs. I rarely wear shorts. Getting lipo is my biggest regret. It’s been really haunting and hard to deal with.”
  • Jenny McCarthy: Tweeted a swimsuit pic of her natural body at 19 with the caption “why the hell did I get a boob job?”
  • Nicole Kidman: “I don’t use Botox anymore. I can move my forehead again!” Yeah right, Nicole!
  • Kim Kardashian: A surgeon says “Kim definitely had a nose job. She used to have an ‘ethnic’ Armenian nose and now she has a very chiseled one.” But “all of the work was unnecessary,” as “she was unique and beautiful with naturally great cheekbones and lips.”
  • Lindsay Lohan: “[L]ost her youthful look” to “a cocktail of procedures including a nose job, lip and cheek fillers, Botox and veneers.” She denies any plastic surgery, claiming “there’s nothing fake about me!”
  • Megan Fox: “Though her rep denies it, Megan Fox, 26, has undergone eyelid surgery, a nose job and cheek fillers.”
  • Sofia Vergara: “I think plastic surgery can make you look prettier.”
  • Eva Mendes: “I’m considering doing a lot. I want to do it so badly!” Don’t do it!
  • James Marsden Unexpectedly a Dad Again: “James Marsden has discovered he is about to become a dad again. The sexy star of 30 Rock is reportedly expecting a child with 24-year-old Brazilian model Rose Costa, who is a look-alike for his estranged wife, actress Lisa Linde, 40.” Liz Lemon is gonna be pissed.

    Tom Cruise Will Be Without Suri for His 50th Birthday: “My family and I have an understanding on that matter.” I’ll bet you do. “I have spent a lot of birthdays on set.”

    Jessica Simpson Captions Her Pregnancy Boobs: “Just taking a walk around the block. Street legal???” Maybe she was listening to Street Legal.

    Mila Kunis Is Wrong:
    “I don’t think of myself as particularly attractive at all. I also don’t have that naturally sexual or sensuous way of behaving that some women have.” You’ll be glad to hear that’s a performance, then.

    Stabbed in the Heart by Her Own Mother: “Teen Mom Catelynn opens up to In Touch about how her own flesh and blood sold her out. Inside the cruel web of lies.” Catelynn claims her mom sold a fake story about her daughter being pregnant. “My mom lied. I think it’s because she has no money, so she’s trying to sell her daughter.” Catelynn’s mom “has a history of substance abuse issues and has been unemployed since being fired from her factory job.” Yikes, that’s sad.

    Jessica Biel: “Getting married is an opportunity to explore new things in life.” Like the major possibility of having your life ruined by Justin Timberlake?

    Misc/Etc: “far too sexy not to pair it with heels” “the baggy folds in front” “I’m obsessed with dessert!” “Rad Bromance” “fiery layers” “Kristen Stewart can turn that frown upside down” “DILF OF THE WEEK” “a sad, strangely bloodless conclusion to a once-passionate romance” “They are both very sexual and very artistic” “a powerful game-changing moment” “unwedded bliss” “you always yearn for a girl because I love shopping and fashion” “The women get so aggressive!” “Testing out a cleavage clamp” “Intimacy is important to me, but you don’t have to have sex every day” “Someone tried to bite off my nipple ring” “The women are more dangerous than the guys. If you let them do what they wanted, they would go crazy!” “I like the booty shorts better” “a life-size installation on complete with a human ballerina in a South African shopping center” “facial hair prosthesis”

    OK!

    The Song That Made Channing Tatum the Most Money As a Stripper: “It was Usher. I did ‘You Make Me Wanna.’” Good choice!

    Kristen Stewart: “She comes off as a punk chick, but hand her a baby and she turns into Mother Goose. So sweet and loving.”

    Justin Bieber Sags His Pants: “Screaming fans got a good look at his tightie-whities — especially when he leaned over!”

    Misc/Etc: “America will tool” “Angie gets all horny” “Peaches the French bulldog” “a cruel twist of fate” “his girlfriend of 14 years” “build a thick amniotic sac” “They love to stay home and snuggle” “their real love is forever!” “The movie really awoke something in both of them” “getting pregnant with Rob’s child is the perfect out” “old hippies from way back” “I am about to be the biggest jerk in America” “just being alone” “They pretty much always go to family restaurants” “running through the streets barefoot” “lob out a boob” “Fried artichokes four times. But they’re vegan!” “Yesterday was a fasting day for Jewish people.” “You end up being 80 and alone.”

    Filed Under: Anne Hathaway, Charlie Sheen, Halle Berry, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Lawrence, Jessica Biel, Jessica Simpson, John Mayer, Johnny Depp, Justin theroux, Katy Perry, Lindsay Lohan, Madonna, Marilyn Manson, Matthew Mcconaughey, Molly's Magazines, Paris Hilton

    Photo on 2014-01-10 at 12.58 #3

    Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

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