John Mayer Has Feelings, Too … and Other Absurdities From This Week’s Tabloids


Us

Taylor Swift and John Mayer: “Every guy in Hollywood knows the drill: Cross Taylor Swift and end up with a song about you.” Drill Taylor Swift, and risk ending up with a whole album’s worth of songs about you. And so John Mayer steps up to defend himself against Swift’s “Dear John.” He says “It made me feel terrible. Because I didn’t deserve it.” Get that? He didn’t feel terrible because she struck a chord with her lyrics about how he’s “an expert at sorry and keeping lines blurry.” A “blindsided” Mayer snipes, “it was a really lousy thing for her to do.” Funny how he who dishes it out the loudest (“sexual napalm”) can’t take it for even a second. “It really humiliated me at a time when I’d already been dressed down. I mean, how would you feel if, at the lowest you’ve ever been, someone kicked you even lower?” I don’t know, how would I feel if somebody said they had a “Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock”? A friend of Swift’s says “He played her and now he’s claiming he got played? What a loser.” Mayer’s sources claim Mayer had “thwarted” Swift’s advances because “she was too young” and he “didn’t feel comfortable going there.” Swift’s friends tell a different fairy tale. “John was a player and treated her like shit. She felt like he looked at her as a conquest.” Mayer’s new roots-rock album Born and Raised debuted at no. 1, while Swift recently had a Valentine’s Day “pathetic single girls” party. Sure seems like Mayer and Swift are destined for some Rhett Butler and Scarlett O’Hara realness.

Matthew Fox and Dominic Monaghan: Monaghan tweeted of Fox, “He beats women. No thanks.” When a fan followed up with another question, Monaghan replied, “He beats women. Not isolated incidents. Often.” Heather Borman, the party-bus driver who Fox supposedly punched in the groin while intoxicated, dropped her lawsuit against Fox a few days later because “She was intimidated and frightened that Fox had filed a countersuit for defamation.” One source claims “Dominic is bitter and lashing out for no reason,” but another says Fox, a married father of two, “is rude and arrogant. Seriously, he thinks he’s so cool.”

LOL Adam Levine: “Maybe the reason I was promiscuous and wanted to sleep with a lot of women is that I love them so much.” Or maybe you’re just a slut? Levine got dumped by his Russian supermodel girlfriend Anne Vyalitsyna due to his supposed proclivity for cheating on her during their two-year relationship. He decided to get back at her by dating her good friend, fellow lingerie model Behati Prinsloo. “Behati always had a crush on Adam. And she was a little jealous of Anne.” Vyalitsyna unfollowed Prinsloo on Twitter, so you know it’s real.

Things You Don’t Know About Jay Leno (excerpts):

  • “My first onscreen kiss was with Fran Drescher.”
  • “I don’t drink alcohol — mostly because I am afraid I’d like it.”
  • “I knew football wasn’t for me in junior high, when I couldn’t get the helmet to fit my head.”
  • “I don’t own any shorts.”
  • “My draft number for the Vietnam War was 273.”
  • “I don’t like soup. It seems like a way for people to screw you out of a meal.”
  • “After moving to L.A., I was picked up twice for vagrancy.”

Charlie Sheen on Wanting to Have Sex With His Ex-Wife Denise Richards: “She still looks fucking great. Do I want to? Yeah! Does she? Don’t know.” Considering Richards is back with her other ex Richie Sambora, I’m gonna guess not.

Christian Bale and Drew Barrymore Went on a Date When She Was 13: “We went to see some bloody awful horror film, and that was the end of it. She never called again.”

Jenny McCarthy: “The next time you’re watching the Academy Awards and thinking how sexy it would be to date George Clooney, think again. George probably borrowed his girlfriend’s Spanx.”

Drew Barrymore’s Wedding: “She seems bohemian, so you wouldn’t expect it of her, but she was kind of a bridezilla — micromanaging everything.” They had a traditional Jewish ceremony underneath a chuppah and Cameron Diaz recited e.e. cummings’s “I Carry Your Heart.” Their first dance was to a Band of Horses song and there was a backyard teepee. Somewhere, Tom Green sadly put his bum on something.

Hot New William Styron Gossip: Kristen Stewart and Jennifer Lawrence both want to claim the role of Peyton Loftis in an adaptation of William Styron’s 1951 Southern coming-of-age classic Lie Down in Darkness.

Julianna Margulies on the Rigors of Filming: “This is why Judy Garland was on pills. I can’t keep this up. I need a pill!”

Misc/Etc: “sheer lace and crystal” “On fire!” “I’ve always loved my nose!” “the fatter the butt, the better” “It needs more Channing Tatum!” “caffeine-free mango passion-fruit tea” “You just sent me a picture of fire” “you moody cow” “You will show partial side boob. You will show two cheeks.” “hunky run-in” “complaining about boys not being mature enough for her” “Al Pacino and James Caan enjoying a meal with James Woods” “She is painted in this Mother Theresa light” “feuding with the family of her dead fiancé” “underwent plastic surgery before appearing on TV and hopes to land a rich husband” “West Virginia hood-rat backwoods” “Starving artists need not apply!” “She started to get a bad reputation around town.” “She was tormented in school” “trays of fake mustaches” “once the tears dried” “historic Jewish Ghetto” “That bastard could pull some nasty shit up on the internet” “one who takes off her bra!”

Star

Mary-Kate Olsen and Olivier Sarkozy: “They looked like father and daughter as they sat next to each other at the N.Y. Knicks game back in April, but they are far from it. He is Olivier Sarkozy, playboy and half brother of former French president Nicolas Sarkozy, and she is Mary-Kate Olsen, American darling 17 years his junior. And much to the distress of Mary-Kate’s friends and family, they are lovers.” THEY ARE LOVERS. Sarkozy’s “flashy resumé is deceiving. He’s a womanizing love rat. He and his brother think it’s normal to date many women at once.” You mean he’s French. “Mary-Kate may think she’s in love and being swept off her feet now, but before long she’ll realize she’s just one of many women that he’s making pancakes for in the morning.” At least pancakes! When Sarkozy’s ex-wife Charlotte heard about the new couple she said, “That’s not right. It’s grotesque!” Mary-Kate may be down for the May-December romance due to her “daddy issues.”

Kelly Clarkson’s New Boyfriend a Cheater? Clarkson may have found love in Nashville with her music manager boyfriend Brandon Blackstock, but after a series of interviews where she gushes about him, she might want to slow her roll. Blackstock’s ex-wife, Melissa (with whom he has two kids), “caught him running around on her three or four times. Melissa wasn’t happy and wanted out.” The couple finalized their divorce last year. “Melissa knows all about Kelly and has no problem with her. She’s glad he found someone who’s good with the kids.”

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore: “When Demi heard Ashton talk about the mistakes he’s made, she started to think he wanted to reconcile. She really wanted to believe he wanted her back.” But “Ashton isn’t interested in getting back together. He is tired of Demi’s drama and all the baggage she brings with her. Also, Ashton has realized that more than ever, he wants to have kids of his own — and that isn’t likely if he stays with Demi.” More little Kutchers, just what the world needs. “Demi is again broken-hearted, and everyone is worried sick that this is going to push her into a tailspin. She is still so fragile right now. All her friends and family are scared she is going to relapse.”

Kelly Preston and Nicole Kidman: “They both know what it’s like to be married to a megastar Scientologist with ego problems. Nic thinks her friend needs time away from John Travolta, so she can get counseling from non-Scientologists.”

Britney Spears’s Awesome Rider for The X Factor: “Three kinds of iced teas, macaroni and cheese, white-meat chicken nuggets, a variety of mini burgers, a platter of Snickers bars, a cotton candy machine, a popcorn machine, full-body massage chair and her own manicurist.”

Sharon Stone’s Boy Toy: “Stone’s latest conquest is a South American stud who’s literally half her age! The sultry actress showed off her new Argentinean boyfriend, Martin Mica, on an L.A. beach.  The hunky male model, 27, was not shy about showering Sharon with passionate kisses and sensual massages during their romp on Venice Beach.” GET IT GIRL, ALL OF IT.

Misc/Etc: “Pregnant with a food baby!” “cheerleader car wash” “young mystery woman” “dozens of girlfriends and one wife” “it takes a girl who loves attention to wear this” “Chefs have become the new rock stars” “Their figures are just an illusion” “a relationship kind of guy, except he ends things before the two-year mark” “Her face is especially round” “you’ll get your gorgeous gem!” “He is really bummed.” “Only problem is, he has a long-term girlfriend!” “fresh-made caramels” “Britney is a mess” “not only younger but prettier” “a bit of the hippie” “endured broken engagements” “beneath his exterior of rippling, rock-hard muscle lies a sensitive, intelligent softie” “My dad is so in love with my mom” “hard to tell if this was a good or bad night” “nothing like a healthy dose of German hospitality to blur the vision” “the government confiscated his dead body” “a sexy poor man” “that electric feeling of falling in love!” “panda bears”

In Touch

Rihanna and Drake: Partying in Miami, “Rihanna and her on-again flame Drake looked very much like a couple. They were holding hands the entire night. He was parading her around the club like she was his girl” and they were “all over each other” snuggling in a corner. Will Drizzy “be the one to tame Rihanna’s recent party girl antics? He’s a really nice guy and treats Rihanna better than any of her other boyfriends have, by far.” I guess Drake calling Riri a ho on Twitter is relatively mild compared to, you know, Chris Brown.

Jenny McCarthy on Dating: “As I’ve gotten older I have raised my standards. I’ve set the bar pretty high. After one too many broken hearts I said, ‘I deserve more.’” She is still hurt that ex-flame Jim Carrey no longer has any contact with her son Evan. Her new gig hosting Love in the Wild has taught her to keep it in her pants, for at least a little bit. “I saw the girls who gave it up right away were the first to lose. Guys like the chase.” She’s been dating Chicago Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher since April. “Good girls definitely finish first. At heart, I’m traditional when it comes to love.”

Sofia Vergara’s Clubland Nightmare: “Sofia Vergara might soon see her life portrayed on the big screen — and she’s not happy about it. New Line Cinemas has confirmed they’re developing a script about her former boyfriend, Miami nightclub kingpin and convicted murderer Chris Paciello. The Modern Family star, 39, and Paciello, 40, dated in the late-90s, and according to a friend, Sofia even put up her home as bail when Paciello was arrested. Sofia’s worried about how she will be portrayed and wants to get this stopped. She feels betrayed by Chris and doesn’t see the point in dredging all of this up now.”

Chord Overstreet and Lily Collins: “They were making out nonstop” at his birthday party. The Glee star previously dated Emma Roberts, who has hooked up with Zac Efron, who was dating Collins (daughter of Phil) until recently. “Young Hollywood is a small world!”

Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis: “Despite attempts to keep their developing relationship under wraps, Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher have been spotted together again.” They “grabbed a late-night dinner at Cafe 101 in L.A. and then went back to his place. She was hanging on his every word.” I hear Young Hollywood is a small world.

Prince Harry, Misunderstood Ginger: “He may be known as the royal family’s biggest player, but deep down Prince Harry wants kids just as much as his big brother. It’s rather sad for Harry. He’s not as wild as he’s made out to be.” He told Katie Couric, “I’ve longed for kids since I was very, very young. I’m waiting to find someone who’s willing to take on the job.”

Misc/Etc: “clunky black shooties” “Eva Longoria divorced Tony Parker, but she’s still in love with his home country of France.” “I get pursued by men in their twenties all the time” “You’re the sexiest pregnant woman!” “I don’t believe in marriage, I believe in a commitment you make in your heart” “I can’t walk around the house naked anymore now that we have a daughter” “Glass, I will have my revenge” “drop a bomb — and not a Sake bomb” “He’s a stand-up guy in a land of con artists” “Her face is more rounded and so is her bottom” “He just wants to have fun” “She isn’t happy that he’d date someone she thought was her friend” “haunted by the spirit of her ex” “Everyone was dreading having her there” “She’s never alone!” “I love being naked!” “I hate showing off my body” “from pretty punk to glamour girl!” “funnier as a redhead” “brain-exploding” “seducing influential wives” “fashion, technology, cars”

OK!

Models Complaining They Can’t Get Dates: Elle Macpherson says, “I don’t get men hitting on me. It’s crazy. I’ll go up to a guy and say ‘I think you are so beautiful’ but it doesn’t work.” Olympic hurdler Lolo Jones, cover girl for ESPN The Magazine and self-professed virgin until marriage, says “I need a date.” Carolyn Murphy, promoting cosmetics, told a reporter that she was currently still hunting for Mr. Right. “It’s awful. I hate dating. Where is he?”

Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart Getting Married? “To them, the Twilight wedding was cheesy. They want their wedding to be much more authentic, with soul.” How do you have an “authentic” wedding? What does that even mean? “It is important to him that music be a big part of the wedding. He’s writing a song for her and plans to perform it for her on the vintage Fender guitar she bought him for Christmas last year.” They’ve considered “black wedding bands” because “Kristen isn’t into big diamonds.” Other “spontaneous” touches will include toasts and vows. “Rob and Kristen want their wedding to be beautiful and meaningful — but not so overplanned that it chokes all the joy out of it.” Maybe they’ll choke each other out in a gazebo to express their love.

Misc/Etc: “looking forward to an amazing romantic summer” “it takes a swimsuit model” “shorten her legs” “A major part of being Matthew McConaughey involves frolicking on a Southern California beach” “a gay journalist with a lurid secret life” “resembling a middle-career Mel Gibson” “the hirsute 1970s” “one of those toothy sci-fi monsters that terrorize major cities” “animal-style fries are a must!” “The flowers are going to be really dramatic.” “For the first time in her life she doesn’t feel fat.” “until she gets her vertigo and fainting spells under control” “American size 0″ hemp protein shake with papaya” “a protrusion in her normally concave midsection” “it was obviously a really poor decision to put that child in a washing machine” “dads love geodes!” “50 is the new 30!” “I officially have a lot of experience seducing younger women.”

Filed Under: Adam Levine, Britney Spears, Jay Leno, Jenny Mccarthy, John Mayer, Kelly Clarkson, Kristen Stewart, Molly's Magazines, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Swift

Photo on 2014-01-10 at 12.58 #3

Molly Lambert is a staff writer for Grantland.

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