Jennifer Aniston Is Pregnant, for Real This Time! … and Other Familiar Tunes From This Week's Tabloids
Jennifer Aniston Pregnant? “Alone at last at the hotel, Jennifer Aniston could finally take off her corset.” What an EVOCATIVE sentence! At a TIFF after-party, the “tequila-loving Aniston sent someone to the bar all evening to bring back her new signature on-the-rocks cocktail — water.” Maybe she was just thirsty! “Aniston may have mastered all the tricks of Operation Bump Cover-up, but she is incapable of hiding her excitement. She’s thrilled!” Whatever she wants, man. “Painted in her 2005 divorce as a woman too career-obsessed to have a baby with Pitt, Aniston was left reeling with hurt.” GEE I WONDER WHO GAVE HER THAT REPUTATION, TABLOID MAGAZINE. “Then her prince finally showed up.” OHHH GOOOOOD.
Miley Cyrus: “There is no girl out there speaking on behalf of the country girls who are turnt up.” Now there is!
Things You Don’t Know About Alan Cumming (Excerpted)
- “I was the voice of Black Beauty, and I am the voice of Gutsy Smurf.”
- “I don’t have a middle name.”
- “I’ve been married to a woman, and now I’m married to a man.”
- “I am pretty nifty with a chain saw.”
- “I once danced with Walter Cronkite.”
- “I’ve never seen Grease.”
- “My dog, Honey, can do impersonations of Andy Warhol, Halle Berry, Carol Channing, and Mary J. Blige, all while wearing the same wig.”
- “I used to think Martha Stewart owned Martha’s Vineyard.”
- “I was knocked out by a deer.”
- “I was once escorted off a plane by the FBI.”
Zooey Deschanel: “If somebody made the mistake and asked for an autograph, I could sign Katy Perry’s name. Why not? I don’t want to disappoint anyone.”
Daniel Radcliffe: “It’s not that I feel awkward, it’s that I look awkward.”
Ray Romano: “When you’re middle-aged … you can’t do anything tw. I don’t Twitter. I don’t twerk. I haven’t seen a Twilight movie.”
Kristen Wiig & Fabrizio Moretti Rekindling Their Romance? “Two months after they called it quits, Kristen Wiig, 40, and Strokes drummer Fabrizio Moretti, 33, hung out in Brooklyn on September 13. A source said the duo strolled through the borough’s trendy Williamsburg ‘hood (gourmet coffees in hand, of course). Later, the pair — who dated for 18 months — ducked into eatery Motorino.” Another source say the former couple has “stayed friends” but an eyewitness says “They acted like a couple — they kept leaning into each other!”
Jake Gyllenhaal Is in Love (and Not With Taylor Swift): Gyllenhaal “has told friends his serial-dating days are over. The former heartbreaker (see: Taylor Swift’s album Red)” says things are totally great with new love, model Alyssa Miller. He’s “different with her than he’s been with other girls. He wants to see where this goes. They’re very serious.” DID THEY DRINK MAPLE LATTES TOGETHER THO? “Gyllenhaal wooed [Miller] with home-cooked meals and within weeks, the model was head over heels, says an insider. Ditto for Gyllenhaal.” He even introduced her to his mom, screenwriter Naomi Foner (Taylor also met Naomi, and Jake’s big sister Maggie). Jake “looked at [Alyssa] like she was the only person in the room.” He’s an actor! That’s what he does! “He’s in love like I’ve never seen before.” RED.
Misc/Etc: “KIM’S ROCK IS ON THE BLOCK!” “I was 14, running around. Nobody wanted to see that.” “I was this dude who didn’t sing” “It was sugarcoated bubble-gummy pop” “he’s used to ‘disgruntled’ subjects” “No, I need a tight leather dress to keep all those hamburgers in.” “we had a little flingy-wingy” “Shirtless Stud!” “I love walking in the rain. Another favorite thing.” “He felt like he was living in her shadow and wanted to break out” “They get along like best buds!” “They want to enjoy being newlyweds for as long as they can” “He’s a free man” “Update the Harvard alumni magazine!” “A WILY MILEY” “She’s a party girl and he’s low-key” “They used to do normal things, go skateboarding and get sushi. Now she’s naked on TV!” “Fifteen going on Real Housewife” “Those colors belong in a waffle cone”
Why Is Gwyneth Afraid of a Vanity Fair Profile? “Most celebrities would kill to be on the cover of Vanity Fair — but not Gwyneth Paltrow.” When Paltrow found out the magazine planned to profile her without her consent by asking friends and colleagues to dish the dirt, she sent out an emergency e-mail threatening to cut them off if they played along. “Might the article expose something she fears would damage her career — or worse, her personal life?” Hmmm. Gwyn’s “propensity for one-upmanship has reportedly ruined her friendships with stars like Winona Ryder and Madonna. What new information could cause her reputation to sink further?” YES, WHAT INFORMATION? “Gwyn is obviously hiding something, and she’s going out of her way to make sure it doesn’t get out.” Don’t worry, Star is on it! “The most obvious potential sore spot in Gwyneth’s life is, of course, her marriage to Coldplay frontman Chris Martin, 36. The two are seldom seen together, prompting rampant speculation that their relationship is on the rocks.” Maybe they just hate attention hahahaha jk. Some people “are surprised that their marriage has lasted so long” since “accusations of infidelity have dogged her for years.” Supposedly she cheated on Brad Pitt with Sliding Doors costar John Hannah, and then cheated on Ben Affleck with Viggo Mortensen (although rumors suggest Affleck had been cheating on her first). “Could a potential cheating scandal be the reason Gwyneth is trying to thwart the exposé?” Perhaps? “Recently, a tipster reported that the Goop guru had carried on an affair with a literary figure, prompting Star to investigate the claim.” WHO? PHILIP ROTH? I BET IT WAS PHILIP ROTH. Star contacted the former personal assistant “of Gwyneth’s rumored lover” and were immediately served with a threatening letter from Gwyn Gwyn’s attorney. “Where there’s smoke, there’s usually fire, and in this case there’s a lot of smoke.” The smoke is just coming from her darling new wood-burning outdoor pizza oven!
How Did American Idol Lure Back Jennifer Lopez? With “a promise that she’d be the only female judge.” Plus “a $2.5 million pay hike” for things like “two spray tanners and her around-the-clock masseuse.”
Demi Moore Is Dating Her Ex-Boyfriend’s Father: “Demi Moore is keeping it in the family — because the actress is dating restaurant mogul Peter Morton, the father of her ex-boyfriend Harry!” Harry Morton runs a restaurant chain called Pink Taco and is best known for also dating Lindsay Lohan a few years ago. “Demi, 50, dated Harry for almost six months before she broke things off in May, and now it’s Peter, 66, who’s caught her eye.” What happened to that Australian yoga pearl-diver dude? “Demi’s enjoying Peter’s maturity. He’s more of a gentleman than she’s had in her past relationships. She loves that she’s not a cougar anymore but instead the much younger woman.” Harry Morton also dated Demi’s daughter Rumer Willis, which, uh, I don’t know about that dude. “But while most people would be uncomfortable with the loose family dynamics, pals say Demi is all for it.” OK.
Liam Hemsworth Moves on From Miley: “Just two days before Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth announced the end of their engagement,” Hemsworth was seen “getting cozy with Mexican actress Eiza Gonzalez!” The pair left a club together at 2 a.m. and were seen making out in public the next day. HOW IS MILEY DOING?
Leonardo DiCaprio’s Beach Body: “The only thing great about the Great Gatsby star, 38, is his recent calorie intake! The modelizer doesn’t seem concerned about keeping up with his ultrafit girlfriends — and so far, it hasn’t really mattered!” LOL.
Sharon Osbourne & Jay Leno: “Want an unpleasant mental image? Sharon Osbourne admitted to having a fling with Jay Leno before she married Ozzy.”
Misc/Etc: “He was flirting with women and definitely not acting married” “the aging pop star has outdone even herself” “an entire floor of a hotel for her entourage” “RUINS PAL’S WEDDING” “only interested in popcorn movies and being famous” “he’s been on a crazy caviar diet to slim down” “a shameless attempt at twerking” “Time to join Lindsay in rehab, Dina!” “the most sought-after toddler on the block, Harper Beckham!” “Go out on 100 dates before you have sex!” “Julia Roberts got in some girl time with Taylor Swift” “ruining their designer duds as they shoved cake into each other’s faces” “has a way of getting women hooked on him” “Can’t a girl have some fun?” “You can still be a successful woman, but when your husband gets home, greet him at the door and make him feel like a man”
Beyoncé’s Ex-boyfriend Tells All: “She was the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen,” says Lyndall Locke, Beyoncé’s ex who took her to prom in 1997. “I loved to write her love poems and spend hours watching movies and playing Connect Four with her.” Dude Beyoncé is sooooooo good at board and tabletop games!
Courtney Love Loves Breaking Bad: “In the early ’80s, I hung out with street punks in San Francisco and we did meth. I did it for about a week and then I was like, ‘OK, enough.'” Courtney says that was the last time she did meth, but “happily admits her current addiction to AMC’s Breaking Bad, which follows chemistry teacher turned meth overlord Walter White (played by Bryan Cranston).” She binge-watched the episodes in a week, about the length of her ’80s meth binge. “I’m completely obsessed. It made me realize that I’ve tried all drugs — except for Walt’s signature blue meth!”
Will Blake Shelton Sign Your Bra? “Sign it?? I may need to borrow it!! #moobs”
Nick Carter From BSB Regrets Past Drug Use: “I regret taking ecstasy. The amount I did caused changes to my brain that are responsible for my bouts of depression now.” He cut down on drugs in 2008, after he was diagnosed with a weakened heart. “During the height of my problems, I did ecstasy, cocaine, and drank a large bottle of vodka a night.” This is in his memoir, Facing the Music and Living to Talk About It. He says his most toxic relationship was with Paris Hilton, to whom he was engaged. “Paris was the worst person in the world for me to hook up with. She fed my worst impulses as far as partying.” Nick feels “lucky to be alive.”
Misc/Etc: “She’s the most high-maintenance celebrity” “prim styling is age-appropriate” “So naturally, he will turn to a woman who acted as a surrogate mother to him” “She refuses to touch somebody else’s shower water” “She acts like she’s a nice person, but she’s an absolute monster!” “Mama still hasn’t shaved her neck hairs” “Jenelle, 21, explains they were rushing home to have sex” “If I had more time and a lace-front wig, it would look perfect!” “Rihanna, 25, gets her own tongue wagging while playing with her Vivienne Westwood penis purse” “Aren’t you surprised that I have one?” “bunny hat for fashion bunnies!” “Would You Want Your Mom Acting Like This?” “She is being overtly sexual for ratings” “candy buffet”
Ashley Greene: “Being sexy is about intrigue and mystery, not putting everything out on the table.” Sprangggggg breaaaaaak forevaaaaaaa.
Taylor Swift & Brenton Thwaites: “Looks like Taylor Swift is head-over-heels again!” Suck it, Jake/Harry/John! Swift and Thwaites have been “hanging out a lot lately, and Taylor won’t stop talking about Brenton, according to a friend, who says being love-struck is not unusual for the country star, who’s 23.” You don’t say! “It happens every time she dates someone. She spends every waking minute she can either with him or talking about him.”
Tom Hanks a Secret Steampunk? “Everything you write on a typewriter sounds grand. The machine may last as long as the rocks of Stonehenge.”
Misc/Etc: “My son thinks he’s a cool dude” “It’s a safe bet that few kids have a hipper mom” “Coughing while singing is no bueno!” “GUESS WHO’S GOING ON THIS GUY’S FACEBOOK PAGE” “It’s weird, but if you’re okay with it, who am I to judge?” “We’re really trying to be — not trying, we are — normal people” “Tweeted Tay” “TAKING THE EX ON VACATION” “the first redheaded child ever signed to the prestigious Ford Modeling Agency” “for which she posed with a stripper pole” “even spotted lovingly wiping crumbs off her lip” “BUYING FANS?” “They’re in love with women who seem to enjoy humiliating them” “a series of international incidents” “READY FOR THE COUNTRY?” “astrology is ‘in'” “Rihanna’s got good taste”