Jennifer Aniston, Forever Alone … and Other Tragedies From This Week’s Tabloids
Jennifer Aniston Pregnant and Alone: “Jen’s plan to wed on some exotic beach by year’s end crashed and burned, brought down, it seems, by a combination of domestic squabbling and Justin [Theroux]‘s career ambitions — mainly his huge commitment to star with Liv Tyler in the HBO series The Leftovers,” which starts filming soon. “Things go so toxic that the couple has taken what is known as ‘a break.'” YEAH, JUST ASK ROSS WHAT THAT WORD MEANS. “Now Jen’s alone with her Smartwater stash and yoga mats, rattling around the SoCal Mansion while Justin’s 3,000 miles away in his beloved NYC, taking meetings, studying scripts and tooling through traffic on his BMW motorcycle.” A freaked-out Jen is worried that yet again, her “life lies in ruins. The wedding’s canceled, her man’s nowhere to be seen.” Justin is a snob about L.A. “He’s always vowed that he’d never live in L.A. because he can’t stand the vacuous people there. There’s no discussion of current affairs, politics, history, art — it’s all movies, how you look and what car you drive. He hates all that and no $21 million mansion in Bel Air is ever going to change that.” Good thing there are no vacuous people in New York!
Meanwhile, “many of Justin’s longtime friends assumed the raven-haired bohemian was simply not the marrying kind” since he spent 17 years with stylist Heidi Bivens without proposing. “To all of a sudden hook Jen and be engaged to her a year later was incomprehensible to most of Justin’s oldest pals.” But how does internalized sexism factor in? “When a man has massive fame and he marries his makeup artist, that’s okay but when it’s reversed, that seems to set men off thinking they’re not as good as their women. It’s a double standard in our culture.” And every culture! “I don’t know about Justin, but he’s a writer as well as an actor and doesn’t just want to end up on her coattails, but how could he not? She’s very successful, and people will identify him as Jennifer Aniston’s fiance. This makes a man feel very inadequate.” Thanks a lot for that depressing analysis, Dr. Gilda Carle. “Maybe this relationship is not so wonderful if he’s beginning to resent her.” Maybeeee. “One can only wonder if he’ll pop in to say hi to his ex Heidi while in New York. Jen can only do this for so long before she ends up alone again.” UGHHHHHHHHHH.
Britney Spears’s Sons Embarrassed to Be Seen With Her: “They’re just now at the stage where you can’t kiss Mommy in front of friends.” Have their friends seen mommy’s music videos? They will be jealous, I swear.
Tom Cruise’s Security Detail: “Tom Cruise is never not surrounded by two rings of plain-clothed security ‘agents,’ as he calls them. That goes double for his precious daughter.” Suri’s bodyguards are “ex Mossad, former members of the elite wing of the Israeli military known for their world-class covert ops and counterterrorism skills. The team is handpicked by Tom, and they’re trained to watch for stalkers, imposing crowds — even someone who may want to kidnap Suri for ransom.”
Misc/Etc: “Kanye is tense in general, but now he’s a new dad” “I’m an extreme person” “AWW, AREN’T THEY SWEET AND RICH” “even deleting the phone numbers of her party-crazed friends, the insider says, and asking others not to tell her about hot new clubs” “the head of Chinga Chang records” “They’re both totally miserable as hell” “she’s alone in the mansion brooding away why it all went so wrong” “all the stuffed toys in the world are no substitute for a lifemate” “I love all those cheesy love stories! I love them!” “Burgers, dogs, and a string bikini”
Kimye & Baby North: “Kim is breastfeeding constantly. She’s loving it.” Kanye is there. He “holds the baby all the time” but he is “not changing diapers.” The baby girl’s name really is North, but they are calling her “Nori” as a nickname. Nori is a popular name in Japan, where it means “law, belief, or seaweed.”
Paula Deen: “They’re jokes … Most jokes are about Jewish people, rednecks, black folks.” Girl.
Will Smith Watches Fresh Prince Reruns Like We All Do: “I saw an episode and I don’t know how this happened, but I had a half shirt on … I was like, ‘Tragedy.'”
Daniel Radcliffe: “People shout out, ‘Hey, Frodo!’ … I admit, when people have put autograph books under my nose I’ve signed, ‘Much love, Elijah Wood.'”
Lucy Liu on Kim Kardashian: “I didn’t know who she was until about a year ago … I saw her image. I was like, ‘Who is this person?'”
Channing Tatum: “If they can make avatars blue, can’t they just CGI my abs?” AND TWINSSSSSSS.
Anna Paquin: “I … suffer from a really severe case of ‘bitchy resting face‘ … It means you look really angry all the time or like you want to kill people or like you’re a giant bitch … I’m really happy!” SOOKEHHHHHHHH.
Sorry, Girls, Adam Driver Is Off the Market: “Girls star Adam Driver, 29, wed his longtime love, actress Joanne Tucker, 30, in a destination ceremony.” It figures that someone who excels at playing a scumbag is probably a sweetheart in real life.
Who Performed at George Lucas’s Wedding? Van Morrison and Janelle Monae! That sounds super awesome, to be honest. Guests included Francis Ford Coppola (who did a reading), Ron Howard, Robert De Niro, Harrison Ford, and Oprah.
Who Came to Robert Pattinson’s House Party in Los Feliz? Bret Easton Ellis, Michelle Rodriguez, Heather Graham, EL James, “76-year-old Oscar winner Warren Beatty!” and Billy Zane’s sister Lisa, who sang. Yes, it’s true. Hollywood parties are just as weird as that one on Mad Men, and just as much fun!
Heidi Klum’s Daughters Love Sushi: “I’m like, ‘Honestly, the poor man that you will meet one day. You’re going to eat through his whole wallet.'”
STFU Armie Hammer: “I used to like to be a dominant lover,” the 26-year-old Lone Ranger told Playboy about his life before marrying Elizabeth Chambers, 30. “But you can’t really pull your wife’s hair.” STFU. He also said an ex “tried to stab me when we were having sex.”
Misc/Etc: “Marriage was an LOL-ing matter to Russell Brand, according to Katy Perry” “made Gwyneth look like a California girl” “expected more from him than a text” “packets of ravioli to heat up!” “Channing Tatum toted a dressed-up pooch” “I’ve eaten Twizzlers in my sleep” “She wore his shirt” “Their connection is very serious and physical.” “I hated my husband when we met in school. He was so good at Shakespeare.” “I love to do Fire Marshall Bill impressions.” “gets double-tapped” “You’ll never feel stupider than when, like, a [child] stumps you” “her ’80s-era clubbing date with Tom Cruise” “JANE FONDA (right) was in the house!” “He’s really advanced” “Crawfish pie!”
Miley on Drugs? “Miley is not in a good place mentally. She’s depressed and having trouble dealing with her parents’ divorce, her unsteady career, fame and more than anything, her volatile relationship with Liam [Hemsworth].” She’s just being Miley! And deciding what that means! Although she finally copped to being a huge stoner, “marijuana isn’t her only vice.” At the Met Ball, partygoers said they “saw Miley snorting something suspicious in the ladies’ room.” Then Miley hung out in the bathroom “chain-smoking and getting crazy” with her friends. Miley “puts up this tough exterior, but her heart is shattered and she doesn’t know how to deal with it. She calls and texts Liam constantly — sometimes crying, other times screaming.” She is “devastated over his cheating, and it’s taking a toll on her emotions. She’ll go nights without sleeping, which is when she posts many of her provocative photos or bizarre videos of herself twerking on Twitter.” That is what makes her relatable, though. “Miley’s loved ones don’t know what’s an act and what’s real anymore.”
Sandra Bullock Ready for The Heat: “You know, we curse. I talk like a truck driver. People go, ‘Women don’t talk like that.’ I’m like, ‘They do! They fucking do!'”
Katy Perry Unlucky in Love: Star asks “why can’t one of the world’s most desirable women find a man who will treat her right?” and suggests it’s because of her “fanatically religious father, Keith Hudson,” who was “extremely strict and controlling.” Katy theorizes that “having him as the primary male figure plays into why she is attracted to troubled men.”
Emilia Clarke Likes Herself Better Blonde: The Game of Thrones star is obsessed with her platinum Daenerys Targaryen wig. “It’s silly to say, but when I take off the wig at the end of the day, I’m rather disappointed when I look in the mirror.” An inside source says, “She wants to wear the wig in public because she believes she’ll be more recognized. As a brunette, people rarely know who she is.” LOL.
Kate Upton & Blake Griffin: Kate Upton is “said to be hooking up with NBA hunk Blake Griffin!” I am here for this. Upton and Griffin were “cuddling all night and couldn’t keep their hands off each other” at a NYC club. “They were grinding on the dance floor” at Avenue and “danced the night away.”
Another Take on Kimye’s Baby: Star says Kim was “in a lot of pain” after the delivery, and that she “wasn’t able to hold Nori very often” as a result. “She also had a very hard time with breast-feeding — her chest was sore, and the pain made it difficult to feed Nori.” Blergh. “While Kanye tried to be sympathetic to Kim’s needs, he spent most of their week in the hospital bonding with Nori. Kim is so used to being the center of attention that it was hard for her to deal with Kanye being so focused on Nori.” In the delivery room suite, “Kris [Jenner] snapped a pic of Nori … and Kanye made her delete it.” THAT BABY PHOTO YOU GOTTA DELETE THAT.
Courtney Stodden’s Boob Job: “I feel way more confident now. I’m having so much fun picking out different tops/dresses/bikinis now that I don’t have to worry about my bra. I’ve never bounced so much before in my life!” The 18-year-old says, “Since I was 12, I’ve wanted Barbie’s boobs,” and after faking it with padding, she “decided to go ahead and get the ‘rill’ deal.” After the surgery she “woke up, and there I was, laying in the hospital bed with great boobies! They’re beautiful, bouncy and bountiful.” Sounds rill rill sketchy, though, Courtney. Please be careful. I like you.
Misc/Etc: “A few children burst into tears” “She and her producing partners are literally ‘Harvarding’ this movie to death” “STARS GET CAMPY!” “the wrath of Taylor Swift’s shrill fans” “See, models do eat!” “Alcohol is the root of 90 percent of their problems” “a humidity-inspired style” “wasted tour bus sex” “Taylor Lautner showed off his parkour skills” “40 going on 14″ “she played the slot machines and then hit the club — alone” “requests baggy clothes!” “She knows her body will take a hit” “but that isn’t stopping the 27 year old from worrying about other women!” “she wants to be engaged by the time she’s 40″ “He has a secret apartment” “caught her tipsy husband ogling a woman backstage” “he lives and breathes women and can’t stop.”
Kim K Obsessed With Losing Weight: “Her daughter wasn’t even 24 hours old, yet Kim wouldn’t stop talking about her body. She kept asking her sisters if she looked smaller and skinnier after giving birth. Kim is obsessed with getting the weight off — and fast.” Kim is funneling all her obsessiveness into “losing the 60-plus pounds she put on” during her pregnancy. “She really believes she can lose the first 30 pounds in the first month. She wants to look good in a bikini by the end of the summer.” She looked good in a bikini when she was pregnant. She is making plans to work out with trainer to the stars Tracy Anderson, who told In Touch that she promised Kim that “after the doctor releases you, I can work with you to make your body look any way you want.” Yikes, OK. “Wanting to get her old body back isn’t the only thing motivating Kim. She’s desperate to please Kanye, who deserted her and moved to Paris for most of her pregnancy.” Kim gained so much weight that “Kanye’s vision of her maternity fashion went down the drain. He’s not happy about how much weight she gained — and said it’s her job to get rid of it quickly.” I mean, I guess it technically sort of is her job, since her job is to fuel tabloid stories like this.
What’s on Olivia Munn’s Nightstand? “Melatonin, The Singularity Is Near by Ray Kurzweil, strawberry lip balm, [and] a 980,000-volt stun gun for protection.” This is why I’m forever a Munnhead.
Brad Pitt Accidentally Spills the Beans: When asked “Do you remember what you and Angelina did on your first date?” he says, “We didn’t have an official first date.” YEAH, AND WE ALL KNOW WHY, BRAD. At least his favorite movie is Saturday Night Fever! “I loved Saturday Night Fever when I was a kid. I couldn’t believe people talked that way! It was just a whole new culture I didn’t understand. It was an R-rated film, and I snuck into it. It holds a special place.”
Wendy Williams on Paula Deen: “It just goes to show you money doesn’t buy you class.”
Summer Breakers: Vanessa Hudgens (Candy) and Ashley Greene (Brit) went on “a surfing trip” to Bali together. That Spring Breakers sequel just writes itself!
Team Gaga or Team Cher? 72 percent say Team Cher. The council has spoken.
Heather Locklear & Tom Cruise: They went on a date in the ’80s that Locklear says was a total failure because he dances too spastically. “You just kind of stand there and don’t know what to do. Do you dance around him? It was weird. I just sat down.” Probably all for the best.
Misc/Etc: “Jay Leno, 63, sports racy thigh-high footwear” “We all scream for … Italian ice” “maybe when I, like, change a tampon” “the kind the guys get to do” “Cameron Diaz, 40, nearly falls in the garbage” “vodka in a bubble bath” “completely neurotic about her looks” “we already miss her ginger locks because they set her apart from the sea of Hollywood blondes” “Is plastic surgery ruining their looks?” “the tank and tutu combo made famous by Sarah Jessica Parker’s Sex and the City character” “we think she should’ve let it burn, baby, burn in a disco inferno” “Oh my god, could you imagine if they really were that big?” “an epic, absurd story of how the American dream can become a nightmare.”